[Ruari's apartment] No one really ever wins ~ [Leifr]

It was late in the afternoon, and Arden Dasher had just woken up. She’d made herself a tea and was curled, chin-to-knees on her friend Ruari’s couch. Thankfully, she was alone. Ruari must have been at work or something. Inevitably, the slender brunette’s thoughts turned to her recent break-up. The term made her want to throw up.

One day soon they’d have to sit down and work out what they were going to do with all of their things. The couple had lived together for three years, expecting to stay together for much longer than that. They had a lot of miscellaneous junk, as well as all of their furniture, their puppy… Thinking about it made her head spin. Sindri would get to keep the dog. It hurt, but she wouldn’t take that away from him too. What about the dining room table they’d built together? Her heart gave a tight squeeze at the thought. Their lives were just too impossibly entangled to imagine life without him. She was distracted by all of the little details – who kept the cutlery? Who kept the bed? What did she do with the jewellery that he’d given her? – because it was easier than looking at the big picture. Who was she without Sindri Trickett? She didn’t know. She hadn’t been single since she was fourteen. The very idea of trying to extract herself from their relationship was terrifying.

A part of her still felt like this was temporary. Sure, they hadn’t been emotionally intimate for months, but there was a reason that they’d managed to last so long too. There were times when the couple had been so close to that stereotypical idea of perpetual bliss that it wasn’t funny. Dash didn’t know when the shift had been. The image of a night where Sindri had come home late from work appeared in her mind’s eye. She remembered turning the shower on and locking the door, then just sitting on the bathroom floor and crying. The change had been long before that, though. The brunette was sure that she’d be raking through her memories, trying to pinpoint the exact moment… for a long time. It was easier than looking forward. Wondering where she’d be in a few months – where she’d be living (by herself), where she’d be working (she couldn’t keep working at the reservation where Sindri was) – it filled her with a crippling anxiety that made her want to shut down.

The girl had never felt so utterly hopeless in her life.

A knock at the door startled her out of her little reverie and for a moment the brunette considered just going back to the spare room that would be her bedroom for the next few weeks and ignoring it altogether. Then she realised that the knock was probably for her. Instantly, the girl was hit with a wave of guilt. Leifr. Of course. Dash swallowed against a dry throat and placed her cup of tea on Ruari’s small table in front of her. She hadn’t seen him for a while. Not since before… Before. The girl moved automatically, getting off of the couch and moving towards the door. Already, she could feel a tightness in her throat. Her palms were sweaty and she felt sick. Dash wished she could fade into the air around her. The sensation reminded her a little of the disorientation of waking up after a vision. Right now she’d rather have a thousand visions in a row than open this door.

She opened the door.

The brunette realised, with a sickening shock, that she was wearing one of Sindri’s old shirts. Dash had always worn them to bed, and she hadn’t changed yet. The shirt was practically hers. She forced a smile as Leifr came into view, but she didn’t have any words. Silently begging him not to notice the shirt thing, Dash stepped back to let him in. She felt like she was falling, right now. “Leif,” she started hesitantly, shutting the door behind him and hesitating for a moment with her slender fingers around the handle to turn and face him. “It’s… good to see you.” A sad little smile was all she could manage before her gaze dropped to the floor. How often had the three of them spent time together? Leifr even looked like his brother. "Would you like a cup of tea?" she asked faintly. Despite his letters detailing the contrary, Dash was sure a small part of him must hate her. They all would.

He’d sat down in his pub,debating whether or not he should go over to Ruari’s, where he guessed Dash would be. Leifr knew she probably didn’t want to see him, but he’d been thinking about her, his brother, the whole thing, for the past few days since he’d heard about it all. He wasn’t even part of the break up, but it still made him hurt like he had been. He didn’t know where he stood, really, Sindri was his brother, his flesh and blood, but Arden was practically his sister. Sindri and Dash had been together since they were fourteen, and he’d gotten to know the girl before that. He couldn’t, and wouldn’t choose sides, ever. He knew that for sure, it was more a matter of figuring out how to process it all.

Ever since his brother had first introduced the two of them, he couldn’t remember a time when they hadn’t done something together at least every few weeks. It was, or had been their routine. It was just gut-wrenching for the man to try and comprehend what it would do to two of the most important people in his life, and there really nothing he could do besides be there for both of them.

In the end after hours of debating and going back and forth, he’d decided that he would end up going to see her, he needed to, not to try and make himself feel better, but to make sure she was okay. Knowing that she was a seer, and how sensitive she was in general without her gift, he couldn’t even begin to know what she was going through. He’d written her a few letters, and told her everything he could about how he was feeling, and to reassure her that he wouldn’t hate her, and still loved her, even though she probably was feeling as though he would feel the opposite, he knew that was the kind of person she was. Knowing that Leifr also knew that she would blow the letters off, and he couldn’t blame her for that.

Dash was going through some serious emotional turmoil and upset, and in going over there, it was about just trying to help her. He’d done what he could do for his brother, and knew that Sindri would be okay, he could reach him much easier, not to mention having the rest of the family. Dash had them too, but she needed much more convincing than Sindri did, he hardly needed any convincing of that fact. It tore the bartender apart to even have to be in this kind of situation, but he’d be damned if he wouldn’t do whatever he could for the both of them.

And that was what found Leifr at Ruari’s apartment, knocking on her door and hoping like hell that Dash would answer the door. He wasn’t quite sure that she wouldn’t just ignore him till he went away. She didn’t. When Dash opened the door, Leifr let himself breathe a silent sigh of relief, she was okay. Just being able to see her with his own eyes and see that she that she was actually okay, was more than he could have asked for. It was clear she was hurting, and that was what Leifr wanted to help- to take away, but he was fairly sure she wouldn’t let him, even if he could. She was wearing one of Sindri’s old shirts, but he wouldn’t make anything out of that, there would be no point to it other than hurting her. Following her into the apartment Leifr did his best not to look too worried, even though he knew she’d see through everything he’d try and hide. The minuet she tried to smile at him, he could feel his heart breaking a little more for her. She was feeling more than anyone could know, even him. He returned her smile with a soft and encouraging smile of his own, hoping it might help at least a little “It’s good to see you too, Dash. I’ve missed you.” It was true, and if there was one thing he wanted her to know, it was that, that he really meant what he had said. He wanted to hug the woman that was practically his blood and promise that he’s make it better, but he knew that would only make things worse, and so he settled for a cup of tea instead “A cup of tea would be great, thanks.” He wanted to say something, do something, but he didn’t know what would be okay, and what wouldn’t.     

It was nice to see him, it really was. The problem with him being here, however, was that she felt conflicted. Leifr was strongly associated with family. He was fun and protective in the way that an older brother should be. But he wasn’t her older brother, however much she might feel like he was. And it really wasn’t her prerogative to lean on him or burden him with her feelings. She felt bad enough talking to Ruari about it, and Ruari was her best friend. “I missed you too,” she told him meekly, smiling a little. In fact, Dash had spent a while avoiding everyone. Talking about problems didn’t make them any less real, and being alone was just so… peaceful. Leifr didn’t really move, so she gestured vaguely to the couch. “I’ll just be one sec. Feel free to make yourself at home.”

The slender brunette made her way to the kitchen and quickly busied herself with making him the hot drink. Her actions were automatic, and she took the moment to collect herself. Dash already knew how Leifr liked his tea, so there was an uneasy kind of silence for a minute as she did so. She didn’t really want to be the one to break it, but as she brought back a steaming mug of tea, the young woman’s inherent politeness overrode her lack of confidence. “How are you, Leif?” she asked softly, placing his cup down on the table in front of him and hovering uncomfortably for a moment. Was sitting next to him okay? The girl realised how ridiculous she was being and took a seat next to him on the edge of the couch.

“I’ve been keeping busy,” she told him, lying smoothly. The brunette wasn’t sure if this was what he wanted to hear, but it seemed to be what everyone wanted to hear right now. She knew that no one really believed her, but it seemed like the right thing to say. Her mother certainly hadn’t bought it, but the witch had put off telling her mother about it for as long as she could, so the woman had shown up here only a few days ago. Every time someone new found out about it, it felt like a strong reminder of the actual break-up itself. Dash laced her slim fingers together tightly and placed her hands on her knees. Everything about her body language screamed that she was uncomfortable, but she was far too polite to say anything to the effect. Really, Dash felt like she was imposing, even though Leifr was the one who had shown up here.

Nodding slightly “Thanks..” Leifr slid himself down onto the couch, and took a moment to remind him that at least she was physically okay. That was all he had been hoping for, at the bare minimum. And, she had let him into the flat, which had been more than he had been really expecting as well. He was grateful to see her return with his tea, it would give him something to do with his hands, he was feeling twitchy. Gently picking the cup up off the table, the wizard took a sip while keeping an eye on Dash out of the corner of his eye. He could tell she was still uncomfortable, and that made Leifr want to kick himself. He shouldn’t have come, it was still too soon, but he had really wanted to see her. He couldn’t help that, he cared about her like she was his own family, and he considered her as such.

Once he had finished taking a few sips of his tea, he answered her question “ Doing alright, I suppose. Living life the best I can, you know?” He paused, and hated to ask the ever predictable question, when he knew he wouldn’t get a real answer, but he couldn’t stop himself from asking it either “How about you, Dash?” He looked at her this time, as he spoke, willing her to give him something real, knowing though that that wouldn’t be the case. As she answered, he debated calling her out on her lie, but also knew that that wouldn’t do any good, it would just upset her further. So instead, the man  nodded and accepted what she had offered him, but not before speaking up one more time “You know you can talk to me, right? I might be his brother, but I still consider you my friend, my family. And I’m not going to sit here and watch you hurt if there’s something I can do, Dash.” Once he’d finished speaking, Leifr found himself staring at his boots, not wanting to look his host in the eye, he wasn’t sure he wanted to see the effect that had had on her.

What was he supposed to do now? He wasn’t sure, he knew he should, and would finish his tea before doing anything else. Part of him wondered if he should just leave before he made anything worse, but the other part of him knew that that would do nothing than provoke her already rampant insecurities about everything. And that was not something he was willing to do either. So instead, he simply picked up his cup of tea, sipped, and cleared his throat, and waited to see what would happen.

 You know you can talk to me, right?

“Leifr…” The brunette didn’t know what she wanted to say, but surely he could guess how she felt? Yes, they were friends. Yes, they’d been like brother and sister for several years now. Did it change the fact that looking at him made her feel like crying? No. Somewhere, deep under a thick layer of guilt and sadness, a logical voice told her that she could probably keep him as a friend… and that it would just take a while. But did she even want to stay “friends” with him? Everything about their relationship existed because she’d been in love with his brother. The three of them had spent a lot of time together, but separate to that, were they really friends? And now she’d broken his brother’s heart. What was he doing here?

“I’m fine,” she repeated, a crease appearing between her eyebrows. The girl’s voice was a little shaky like she was about to cry, but it was also clear that she was resigned to her fate. “I’m not drinking or hurting myself or anything, I’m just… coping. Working, coming back and cooking dinner… Looking for a place to move out to…” Dash trailed off here, chewing the inside of her cheek rather anxiously. She stared at her folded hands because if she looked at him now, she doubted that she’d be able to stop herself from crying. Really, she’d done enough of that lately. He didn’t seem to be looking at her either. The brunette hadn’t lived on her own before, but she didn’t want to live with random roommates. She wasn’t really a city girl. It was too loud here, too busy, and every time she woke up she was disoriented. Nothing felt real. Nothing felt right. And she didn’t have anything to do.

Sindri had said a lot of hurtful things when they’d fought the second time, but she couldn’t really blame him. Dash wrung her hands together anxiously as she reflected on it all. Another uncomfortable silence took over, and she didn’t know if she could or should break it. She’d never taken criticism too well, and she couldn’t stop herself replaying the part where he blamed her “gift”. It was probably the worst thing he’d said, since it was something she really had no control over. The girl took her tea and sipped it to have something to do. It was draining to have Leifr here, she realised. She adored him, but she didn’t know what to say or how to act. Largely, she knew that it would be wrong of her to lean on him, or put him in a side-choosing position.

“So…” the girl turned her pretty hazel eyes to him finally. She didn’t want to ask, but she did want to know. “…How is he?”

The wizard wished there was some way he could make Dash feel better. He knew that by saying most of what he’d said was making her sadder, even though they were kind and well meant words. Even knowing that Leifr couldn’t stop himself from cringing, it wasn’t hard to tell that she was still very much hurting. It made the man sad to think that in a way he’d brought the sadness upon her, by showing up. Though at the same time, he couldn’t say he’d change anything if he’d gotten a second chance to reconsider visiting his longtime friend. As much as it pained her, and made him feel selfish, Leifr knew he’d done the right thing by coming by. Sure, she didn’t really want him here right now, and that hurt, but one day when she was able to heal and move on, she’d at least remember that he had been there for her.

Normally the ex-Gryffindor would have been able to accept that Arden had wanted some space, because he knew what it felt like to be surrounded by people when the one thing one really wanted was to be alone with their thoughts. But it was hard to watch someone who he cared about immensely, hurt in the way Dash was hurting now. Leifr was terrible with his emotions, it was true, but he knew that being there was sometimes better than anything else, only he could hope that it did something. When Dash tried to insist that she was fine, Leifr knew better than to argue, that would only serve to make things worse. She wouldn’t be feeling top notch for awhile, but he knew the witch was well on her way to getting there at some point. So instead of insisting she wasn’t or arguing, he nodded sympathetically.

What she had said was true, she wasn’t hurting herself, and she was doing things, trying to move on no matter how much it hurt. He admired Dash for her strength, because he knew not only would it be hard on her, but that the witch would also have a hard time just forgetting six years of her life had ever happened. Sure, Leifr hadn’t been there himself, but that was one of the many reasons he hadn’t. He wasn’t honestly sure he could handle the emotions and the backlash that came with a breakup. He might have been chicken, but he admired the fact that the witch was handling it as well as she was. And then Dash asked the question Leifr had been waiting for- How is he?.  Sighing softly Leifr returned her hazel gaze with his own “Honestly...he’s hurting, just like you. He misses you, I think.” Even as he spoke Leifr regretted having to tell the truth, because he knew what that would do to Arden, but he made himself go on anyway  “I think he’s going to move out of the house. He’s doing alright, just like you, though. Trying his best.” What else could Leifr say without upsetting her? The wizard wasn’t sure, but he did know that he’d probably said enough, too.

Draining the cup in his hands, Leifr gently set the cup on the table and waited a few awkward beats, afraid to look at Dash and see what kind of damage he’d done, and settled at looking at his boots. Finally once he couldn’t stand it any longer, the wizard made himself look at Arden, and realized he’d over stayed his welcome. Clearing his throat softly, the man made ready to go “Thank you for the tea, Dash....and I am glad to see you’re doing alright. Just don’t forget I’m here if you need me, yeah?” He knew the chances of her following through were slim, but he felt as though he should offer anyway. And with that, he turned and quietly slipped out the door. 

The girl looked like a mess. Her hair was straggly and her hands were shaky and it was taking all of her resolve to keep herself together. Crying all over her friend right now was a bad idea. Dash tried to focus on this. Focus on the fact that, despite her frail, willowy looks, she was a strong, capable individual. She was earthy and emotional, sure, but also practical. She was balanced.

Dash tried not to study Leifr’s face as he sighed, but it was impossible. Concerned hazel eyes searched blue ones for answers. She tilted her chin down in a slight nod. Sindri was hurting? She couldn’t say that she was surprised, but it still hurt to hear. “I miss him too,” she breathed, her throat suddenly tight. She kept her composure as he spoke, but internally she just wanted to curl up and cry. It was probably what was going to happen as soon as he stepped out of the door. The girl wasn’t really surprised to hear that Sindri was moving out of their house. It was the way that he dealt with pain, after all. She understood completely. She wouldn’t want to be living there either.

Trying his best.

The girl’s gaze fell to the ground, her eyes vague and lost in thought. A few strands of hair fell in front of her face and she didn’t bother to push them away. His words echoed in her mind. Leifr wasn’t really telling her the whole truth, but she couldn’t push for more than he’d given her. Dash wondered just how bad Sindri was. She’d lost the right to know when she’d walked out of their front door, but that didn’t change the fact that she wanted to. If nothing else, Sindri Trickett was half of who she was for almost a third of her life. They’d grown up together.

Leifr’s words brought her back to the present. “Of course,” she replied with a gracious nod, standing hesitantly. “I’m sorry.” Her words were soft. The girl gave him a tense, sad smile, “I’m just, you know… tired.” She waved her hand airily indicating the state of her mind right now. Her eyes met his and she knew that he was aware that tired wasn’t exactly what she meant. Dash also knew full well that it was highly unlikely that Leifr would be the first person she’d go to if she needed support. Distancing herself from the Tricketts had to be the best thing for her right now. Leifr was walking away.

“Bye,” she called gently after him, standing there awkwardly for a moment as he shut the door behind him. The brunette didn’t move from where she was standing until she realised that she was crying. Her eyes snapped to the clock on the wall. Ruari would be home soon. Dash wiped her tears away and tried to take a deep breath. Shower, tidy up the kitchen, cook them both a meal. Maybe she could find a distraction.