[Zephir's apartment] Tiny dots on an endless timeline ~ [Aline]

Zephir watched her body’s gentle movements with the eyes of an impartial observer. The slight rise and fall of her chest as she took slow, even breaths. The odd twitch of her fingers or toes, moving in reaction to some unknown dream event. His eyes travelled slowly from her ankles, up over her bare bum, to the dip of her waist. Her curves and dips were all in the right places. By traditional standards, the woman had an amazing body. Aline was asleep, facing away from him. Lying like that, naked in front of him with soft morning light illuminating her skin… He couldn’t deny that she was beautiful.

The healer turned his back to her, and was still for a moment with his legs bent over the side of his bed and his elbows resting on his knees. Something about this situation had him feeling uneasy, and he knew exactly what it was. Zephir was a contemplative man, his internal workings might as well have been the back of his hand. The ex slytherin was fairly reliable when it came to dissecting and analysing himself and his emotions, and now was no different. He didn’t want to wait for her to wake up to be able to talk about it, but he also wouldn’t wake her up. She deserved a sleep-in.

With a quiet sigh, Zephir pushed himself off of the bed to a standing position. He stretched, rubbed his face with his hands and moved to the bathroom to splash himself with some water. It was early morning still, but he was surprised they’d even slept in this late. They’d both had a lot of early mornings over the past few days. With rotating rosters, it was a pleasant thing for the two of them to get the same day off. There had been some discussion about doing something together today, like eating out or, more likely, ordering in. Zephir wondered if he would talk to her today about the thing that had been weighing on his mind lately.

After feeling somewhat cleaner, Zephir quickly dressed himself, took his wand and keys and apparated from their balcony to the muggle-free section of the busy downstairs street. He needed to get out of the house, and out of his bedroom. The man walked purposefully, without any real direction, through muggle London. He wasn’t sure where he was going, but without even thinking about it, he’d formed the conversation he was going to have with Aline in his head.

Asking her to move out, or more accurately, telling her that he didn’t want to live with her once their lease expired in a month’s time, wasn’t something that he’d do lightly. Ultimately, though, Zephir was a selfish man, with his own wants and needs and goals. It would be completely out of character for him to not let these things come before others. His relationship with Aline was becoming increasingly complicated, and he knew that she could feel it too. He didn’t like the sudden normality of the comfort they provided for each other. Massages, conversations, sex, favours. It was becoming increasingly likely for the two of them to share his bed. He felt comfortable with her. 

It wasn’t really a traditional problem – he wasn’t in love or anything ridiculous – but he didn’t think he could afford to maintain their relationship. They were just friends with bedroom benefits, but the young man had observed a shift in the way they interacted over the past few months. He was uncomfortable with the feelings he had, even though they were mostly strong feelings of friendship. In his situation, strong friendship wasn’t really an option. It wasn’t part of the plan, and neither was she. Zephir’s capacity to put others before himself extended only to a select few – the sisters he had to provide for and his mother. Any sort of emotional obligation he felt towards anyone else was a weakness and a problem. She simply had to move out.

He returned to their apartment with a cloud of seriousness. Introspective walks tended to do this to the man, and by the time he’d apparated to their balcony, two coffees and a croissant in tow, Zephir’s demeanour and body language showed him as closed and cold. He was cold, impartial, mechanical Zephir today.

He found her on their couch in the dining room. The man held out a coffee for her, keen to shrug off his long overcoat. “Morning,” he said, offering the chocolate croissant as well. “I think we should talk about some things.”

Shit. This couldn't be happening. Not to her. Not now.

Aline stared at her reflection in the mirror and deep blue eyes in a pale face were staring back at her. Her brown waves were up in a messy bun with a few strands framing her face and she looked sick. Exactly like she felt. After waking up she'd felt the world spin and relieved that she was so close to Zephir's ensuite bathroom, she'd ran over to the toilet and thrown up. After rinsing her mouth with cold water, the young woman had tried to remember what they'd eaten last night and how much she had drunk, realising that it hadn't been much.

Last week, she had thought she'd gotten some food poisoning but it was quite unrealistic that it was back and all of a sudden the shock hit her hard. Shivering, the witch had thrown up again, her skin ice cold. After taking a shower, Aline had grabbed a pair of shorts and a tank top and had thrown one of Zephir's shirts over so that she wouldn't freeze. The shower had calmed her down enough to brew a few potions to make sure and while she worked, the shivering was gone. Being healers, the two always had the ingredients for the most basic potions at home and right now she was more relieved about it than ever.

The calm didn't last long though. As soon as she knew, the former Gryffindor broke down crying, feeling completely and utterly helpless for the first time in years. It took her a while but eventually she managed to get up and move to the couch. The tears didn't want to stop, though. Hating herself for being so weak, the witch curled up in a ball and cried until she felt like there was no tear left inside her. And then she heard the familiar sound of the balcony door opening.

He was back.

Stifling another sob, Aline tried to wipe the tears away with the back of her hand, glad that she had no makeup on. He'd still be able to see it, though. Zephir wasn't stupid, on the contrary. He was probably one of the most intelligent people she knew and it was one of his traits she appreciated most but right now she wished he wasn't so intelligent and observant and good at reading people. You're an idiot, Aline. She almost laughed out loud at the stupid voice in her head. It was right, though. She was an idiot. Who else should she tell? Right, he was the only person who probably wouldn't judge her immediately. The only one she could tell.

The brunette trusted him, more than she trusted anyone else, except Seth. But there was no way that she'd tell her little brother, no freaking way. Taking a deep breath, she moved on the couch, ready to face her roommate. Lover. Friend. He'd understand and he'd help her figure this out. That was all she needed.

Her soft lips parted to speak but nothing more than a "Thank you." escaped her. He was different today, his voice was cold and there was no warmth in the way he stood there. Compared to last night, a completely different man was standing in front of her and for a second she wondered what had happened between tonight and now. Deep inside the witch probably knew. She had known for a while that it wouldn't go on like this forever but she'd dismissed the thought every time it had come up. Her life was way too comfortable right now to question it and to change anything but that was the problem, wasn't it?

Everything had probably started to go downhill the day they had broken one of their most fundamental rules. It had been his decision and since it had felt right in that moment, Aline had spent the night in Zephir's bedroom. Once the rule had been broken many more nights had followed until it had become almost normal to sleep in the same bed every now and then. Sure, they had definitely spent way more nights apart than together but some wall had collapsed that night and it had been down ever since.

After taking the coffee and the croissant out of his hands, Aline took a sip before her blue eyes focused on him again. She had to tell him now or she would never do it. Exactly in the same moment he began to speak again, Aline raised her voice and their words mingled.

I think "I think" we should talk about "I'm pregnant." some things.

“What?” he asked, the man’s voice retaining its icy edge. He didn’t mean to be cruel, but her words and his previous mood were drawing deep, dividing lines between them. Zephir watched her carefully, only now noticing the way that she sat; her unusually slumped body language, the way that her eyelashes were wet. His first thoughts were defensive, but Zephir’s mind had immediately entered a mode where he was able to react emotionally and process those emotions internally without affecting the way that he looked or acted.

She was so far away. That was something that he noticed immediately, though his mind provided him with other possibilities; it was him that was the distant one. He checked this against current information. Was she reaching out for him? Did she want or need his help? Was she looking for emotional support? Zephir asked these questions of himself in a clinical way. This was the most effective way to deal with it. “Are you sure? You’ve checked?” The man shrugged his big overcoat off, careful not to spill his coffee, before hanging it over the back of the couch and taking a seat next to her.

Zephir’s brain ran this information against what he knew. He’d frozen initially, imagining all situations in which Aline being pregnant was a factor. He already knew how she felt about children. How she felt about work right now, and her youth, and the possible restrictions that a baby would impose on her. Aline wasn’t the mothering type. Zephir quickly came to the conclusion that she shouldn't keep it. The man quickly acknowledged his bias in the matter - he didn't want that for her.

Zephir’s mind was in overdrive. He couldn’t help it. Possible futures stretched out before him, unchartered and unchecked until he dissected and classified them. First things first; it wasn’t his child. There was no way that it could have been. He was too careful, too paranoid that something like this might occur to ever let it happen. Zephir didn’t want children. He doubted that he ever would, but if if happened, it wouldn’t be happening for another fifteen years at least. He was sure of it. A month shy of his twenty-fourth birthday was out of the question.

The man shifted closer to her on the couch, choosing his actions carefully. His expression softened and he reached out to touch her arm. “Are you okay?” he asked seriously. That was probably the more important question to ask. “I can help you,” he offered, his voice carrying the same serious tone, with a little more weight this time. Hopefully she knew what he meant.

What?

His voice was still as cold as ice and she flinched slightly. Aline wasn't used him to behaving like that, not around her at least, and she wondered what she'd done to deserve all of this. Her life had been perfect only a few days ago and now it was in ruins. It wasn't his fault, though. Of course it wasn't. She'd always known that their relationship - or whatever it was - couldn't continue like that even though she'd always told herself that it would certainly last one more day. Days had turned into weeks and eventually into months but it was absolutely clear that it was over now. Another tear ran down her face but she was too exhausted to even wipe it away.

"I checked, yes." The former Gryffindor was one hundred percent sure that she was pregnant and she also knew who the father was. It had to be him. Shit. Aline shut her eyes for a few seconds but as soon as the images from that night came back, she opened him again. There was no way she would tell him about it. "It's not yours but you already know that." It wasn't a question, just a simple fact. There hadn't happened much between them during the few weeks before and after she'd slept with Leifr Trickett due to their different shifts at the hospital and furthermore Zephir was too cautious to let anything like it happen. Well, she'd thought she'd been safe as well but apparently not safe enough.

Zephir sat down next to her and being so close to him made her want to lean her head against his shoulder and to cry until she would fall asleep but she fought against the urge and stayed just where she was, arms around her bent knees. It didn't help that he touched her arm and that his voice was all soft suddenly but she still didn't move. Aline knew it had been the right decision to tell Zephir but it didn't make the situation any better. He would help her now, she didn't doubt it for a second but it wouldn't change anything. Not in the long haul.

She closed her eyes once more and when she opened them again, she looked straight at his face. "No, I'm not okay. I'm everything but definitely not okay." Aline took a deep breath and fought the feeling of nausea that was threatening to overwhelm her again. She was surprised that there weren't more tears streaming down her face but maybe she'd just run dry. Her eyes had to be all red and puffy but she didn't care if she looked ugly right now, it just didn't matter.

I can help you.

Aline knew exactly what he meant and she was grateful that he'd said the words first. From the moment on she'd realised that she was pregnant, Aline had known what she would do. What she had to do. There was no way she'd be able to care for the child. She'd be a horrible mother and she was pretty sure that Leifr didn't want to be a father right now. It probably wasn't fair that she wouldn't even offer him a choice but fairness was definitely not what she had in mind right now. Not trusting her own voice, the brunette just nodded.

She checked. Of course she’d checked. Zephir had always felt a little uneasy about the whole idea of pregnancy. For people like his mother, it was defining. Her whole identity was connected to very traditional ideas and concepts surrounding womanhood. Being a mother, being maternal; these things were absolutely essential to her understanding of herself. Zephir had never felt particularly paternal. He was only young, after all. Zephir had never really factored children into his identity. Pregnancy – the whole idea of something inside you growing from a cluster of cells into a tiny, fragile, floppy human thing was very alien to him. He understood that some people found such ideas fulfilling and important and defining… but they were far away from him and, he knew, far away from Aline.

Her sense of self was built on other things. Ambition. Drive. Connections. He didn’t think she was as intelligent as he was, but she was definitely on the cleverer end of the spectrum. And motherhood wasn’t a concept that she connected with. He knew this already. Actually, he was quite surprised that she was so upset. He wondered if that was a hormones thing, or if he simply didn’t know her as well as he thought he did. He was sure he’d had her pegged. Zephir said nothing as she confirmed that it wasn’t his; he was too careful. Too cautious. An unwanted child could literally ruin his life right now. He simply couldn’t afford to make mistakes. “How far along are you?” he asked gently, slipping into his Healer-Zephir persona. In his head, he did calculations. He listed off ingredients silently. It wasn’t a particularly difficult potion to brew, but there were some ingredients that they might not have in their cupboard.

He resisted the urge to frown. He wasn’t in love with her – it was much less emotional than that. But he still didn’t want to see her hurt. Her eyes were red and puffy and she looked messy. It was uncharacteristic of her to look so… disheveled. He didn’t like that she was in pain. He didn’t need to be in love with her to not want to see her cry. Zephir’s hand slid to her back, his touch soft, but sure. The woman was his friend.  “Do you want to do it today?” he asked quietly, in a low voice. “I can check our stores…” The man trailed off, dark brown eyes flicking momentarily to the cupboard near the kitchen where their potion ingredients were kept.

He wanted to ask more questions – who the father was, for instance. Internally, however, he balked at the idea of whoever the man was being a “father”. Zephir assumed that it had probably been a one night stand, perhaps with someone Aline had never seen again. It was her style. He didn’t think that an act like that warranted the title of “father” being handed out, just because it culminated in a pregnancy. Perhaps, however, he was simply being subjective here. Zephir had his own issues with his own “father”, after all. His free hand went into his hair. He ran his fingers through it, over his scalp and let his hand fall back into his lap. This wasn’t something he’d been expecting. Mentally, however, he’d already made a list of everything he’d need, along with the doctor’s recomendations he’d give her; spend the day resting. Use a heat charm for the bed if she got cold.

Aline would never have thought that she'd ever be in the situation she was in now. An unwanted pregnancy at twenty-one... She knew that there were people who wanted children that early on in their life but she had never been one of them. Sure, one day she probably would want to have a child but that day was definitely not now, maybe not even in five, six or seven years. The thought of motherhood had always been so far away, an abstract thought, to be honest, but now that it had hit her right in the face, Aline knew exactly that she didn't want it right now. It just wouldn't be fair to the child. Deep inside she knew that it was a lame excuse, that she was being selfish but she couldn't change what she was feeling.

The cold version of Zephir had been replaced by the one she knew so well, the professional, logical one and seeing him like this made her calm down a little. Now that he knew, Zephir would fix everything and soon she'd be able to go back to her normal life. He acted exactly like she'd expected him too and she had never felt so grateful in her whole life. "Five weeks, I think," she replied, counting the weeks since she'd last seen Leifr. Yeah, five weeks seemed about right. It was early enough to do whatever Zephir had in mind without any complications but the thought almost made her feel sick again. For a brief second she'd thought about keeping it and then giving it up for adoption but as soon as the thought had occurred to her, she had dismissed it again. No. she couldn't do that. The former Gryffindor wasn't sure if she could ever give her child away if she really decided to get it which is why she only had one choice here.

"I think so," she whispered, a pleading look in her blue eyes. The sooner this was over, the better. The brunette had made her decision and he knew it was the right one for her but at the same time she feared that she would change her mind if she waited a few more weeks. Today or tomorrow probably wouldn't make a difference but still... Aline closed her eyes, once more fighting the urge to move closer to him - and lost. Her hand was at her back and she shuffled closer until she could lean her head against his shoulder. It wasn't that she wanted him to do anything, all she wanted was to stop feeling so alone.

There was silence for a while until she broke it, her words barely a whisper. "Does it make me a bad person?" The woman had never judged anyone for making that decision but now that she was in the situation to decide over life and death, she wasn't so sure anymore. Did she even have the right to act that way? To be so selfish? To think about her own life instead of the child's? Aline knew that she couldn't change her mind but she also wanted to hear it. She needed someone to say that she was doing the right thing, that it was the best for everyone. She needed him to tell her that it was okay.