[Rybinsk] talking to the moon (Alyona)

15th November

Anastasiya had been hopeful that somehow November would have been an improvement on the last three months, but so far that had just not been the case. Some part of her had been secretly pleading to the universe that Aglayka would make some kind of miraculous recovery and be able to fly just as well as she could before all of this, replacing her as the star of the show and then Nastya wouldn’t have to perform. Since Aglayka had broken her clavicle though, creating another obstacle in a series of setbacks, it was quite certain that all hopes of not having to perform would be dashed.

The posters of her that seemed to be omnipresent throughout the school were not helping her either. Every time she passed one Nastya was tempted to rip it down or set it alight. She hated the icky feeling she got in her stomach whenever she saw them, and she knew that it wasn’t helping her in recovering from her downward spiral in October. If there wasn’t anyone around to see her, Nastya still struggled to convince herself that she deserved to eat a good meal, whether she was hungry or not. In fact, she was surprised she’d been given so much freedom. She was sure that Omner Valera would have tattled on her slight slip-up, almost throwing her lunch at the poster, to her mother but Alyona hadn’t said anything. It must have meant that she didn’t know, which pleased Nastya very much. Despite what her mother said, she didn’t want to be worrying her mother about such a weak thing again.

It was nearing the end of her second full week of training again, and Nastya felt that she was keeping up well. Perhaps… almost too well. While she most certainly hadn’t managed to become weight-restored yet, her strength and stamina had almost returned to its full glory, and Nastya was beginning to abuse that. While she was training, she didn’t have to think about all the problems within her family, and especially with Aglayka, and so she tried to make training last as long as humanly possible without anyone catching on. Veronika had to ask her to stop at least twice while they worked together in the studio, Nastya was determined to fix her rigid and sharp movements that Veronika had spent the last hour criticising her for, feeling she had to be perfect in order to perform, to take Aglayka’s place. She felt she had to be her sister for the performance to go well, otherwise she would be hated. It wasn’t until Veronika physically grabbed her arm to grab her attention that Nastya gave up for the day. Of course, then she worked with Andrey in the arena and she refused to stop again when they worked on handstands, feeling that she wasn’t straight enough, that her split variation was too uneven (even if it wasn’t) and he had to bellow at her after asking her to stop three times.

When she got home, Nastya was feeling the effects of her overwork, and she was so tired and sore all over. After she had dinner, Nastya immediately changed into her pyjamas and settled down into her covers to sleep until the morning. The combination of the stress about her elder sister, her fear of performing and the lack of the dreamless sleep potion that she had relying on for a while made her brain have other plans though, as suddenly Nastya found herself on her broom in a fully packed arena, and her performance was going terribly. People were shouting horrible comments at her from every corner and she saw a hex being aimed at her from the corner of her eye. Nastya tried to escape by flying her broom higher and higher until she was far above the school’s buildings and it occurred to her that a fall from such a height would be fatal. She was convinced no one could hit her from such a height though, until she felt a stunning spell hit her straight in the stomach and she fell off of her broom, screaming the whole way down. But, she didn’t stop falling, she kept going and going and the arena was now fading into black just as she was about to hit the ground…

Nastya woke up with a loud shriek, as she sat up as quick as a flash, with loud and gasping breaths as she shuddered with disorientated wide eyes and raised eyebrows, frantically searching her surroundings. Realising she was still, somehow, in her own bedroom, Nastya patted herself to make sure she was still in one piece. Not satisfied until she stood up, Nastya shivered as the duvet fell to the floor and she felt herself wringing with sweat as her silk pyjamas clung to her. It was just a nightmare… but it had felt so real! She sank back down on the duvetless mattress, running her hands through her slightly damp hair, hearing how her heart was still beating so fast in her head. It had almost been real. It could have been real.

A sharp sob escaped her as she buried her face into her hands. Nastya had never cried so much for her entire life as she had in the past few months, but she just couldn’t help it, the situation was too much to cope with. The artistic flyer didn’t want to have to ask for a dreamless sleep potion from Alyona again. She wanted to be able to get past that… it wasn’t healthy or sustainable. Nastya wanted to be improving, not worrying her mother even more.

And yet, there was no way she could just go back to sleep, even if it was super late at night. Her mother had told her over a month prior to go to her when she needed help whenever she needed it. Perhaps it was time to test whether Alyona had truly meant it or not. She didn’t really need help, she just needed company until she calmed down. Surely, that wasn’t too much to ask.

Nastya opened her bedroom door and quietly padded down to the other part of the house downstairs, softly crying the entire time. She had passed her parent’s bedroom, the door was ajar and Nastya’s brow furrowed as she could quite clearly see no one was in there. Hearing a noise in the kitchen area though, Nastya placed a hand over her mouth to muffle her cries as she passed her own old bedroom and headed in the direction of the noise.

As she neared the kitchen though, Nastya let her hand fall giving up on trying to mute her cries, as she figured that the sobs would at least announce her arrival and she wouldn’t startle her mother by just appearing in the kitchen unexpectedly. As she spotted Alyona, Nastya paused in the door frame. “Mama?” She snivelled, still slightly shaking from her startled nerves. With another cry, Nastya rushed towards her mother, wrapping her arms around her in a much-needed hug. “I’m so glad you’re awake.” She muttered under her breath. “I’m sorry… but it was so real!” She sniffed again, letting go once more. “You said I could come to you anytime… I just… I don’t want to be alone, right now.” She hung her head low, as she wiped the tears from her cheeks, hoping she wouldn’t be admonished.

@Alyona Tikhomirova

Alyona was tired and yet she couldn’t sleep because she felt too restless. She had considered taking some sleeping potion as it might also help her to lessen her headache but then again she felt that she had no time to sleep with all the things going on. The preparations of the Christmas gala at the artistic flying school were going on and while she was not immediately involved like Aleksandra and Andrey, she was still doing her best to assure that it would be a success despite all the problems that the family was facing.

She tried to help Nastya without making it seem as though she was observing her. She got reports about how her youngest daughter was doing from other family members but kept the knowledge to herself for most of the time. She did not want to confront her if it wasn’t necessary, did not want to intervene if it wasn’t called for. Nastya should feel responsible for her own actions and not be reprimanded for any minor struggles she went through. She wanted Nastya to feel good about herself (as much as that was possible nowadays) and regain some confidence. Alyona felt that so far her approach had been successful and the relationship between the mother and her younger daughter was not too bad at the moment either.

With her elder daughter, though, things were more complicated. Aglaya seemed to blame her for not being able to fix her complicated clavicle fracture with just one flick of her wand. Alyona had given up on explaining to her that such an injury took time. She had initially tried to make her see that for a muggle this was a really nasty injury that took months to heal and that she would get her fit within weeks but apparently that was not a prospect Aglaya wanted to accept. They had started physiotherapy by now but, as it was, the reigning artistic flying champion was still struggling to move her right arm. Alyona assumed that by the end of the month Aglaya would be able to start training again, but she didn’t want to mention it to her yet. It was never a good thing to put a date to a recovery. There was no guarantee that the recovery would progress the way she expected anyway, especially not with Aglaya.

She was in the kitchen, brewing some healing potions when she heard a shriek. For a moment she wondered if she was having hallucinations. It would not surprise her. She knew that she was sleep deprived, exhausted, and struggled with a constant headache that not even a strong potion could fully remove. She checked the time and was actually taken aback to see that it was already 2 am now. As usual this fall, Anton hadn’t returned home from his workshop and was likely to spend the night there. Alyona sometimes wondered if he still loved her at all. She felt little love for him lately. In fact, the woman was usually mad at her husband if she even found time to think about him at all with all the things she had to deal with.

Soon enough Alyona realised that she had not been hallucination as she heard sobs. She turned to face the kitchen door and soon saw Nastya enter. “Nastenka,” she said softly, offering a tired smile. As her daughter approached her and wrapped her arms around her, Alyona gently rubbed her back. She realised that her pyjama and hair were damp and could, therefore, guess that she had had another bad dream.

“It’s okay,” she said, trying to focus and come up with something comforting to say. Nastya freed herself out of the hug and Alyona nodded sadly. “It was only a dream, though. It’s all good and I’m here for you.” She tried to smile but had to stifle a yawn. Until Nastya had shown up she hadn’t even been aware just how tired she was. “Would you like a cup of tea?” she asked, thinking that a warm drink would help her daughter. She’d like to have another vodka herself but, knowing how Nastya reacted to alcohol, she dismissed this thought as she already put two cups on the table.

Nastya closed her eyes as her mother gently rubbed her back, so grateful and glad for the physical comfort. She needed to feel that she was still alive and still loved. Her mother was warm too, and it was very comforting. She briefly wondered if Alyona could feel her heart thumping violently against her chest as much as she could.

She drew a shaky breath as her mother said that it was okay. That was probably true, but it sure didn’t feel okay. Her mother was right, of course. It was only a dream, but it definitely didn’t feel like it. It had really felt like she was at the gala, genuinely trying to perform, really getting stunned, really falling off her broom. It was terrifying to still think about. Nastya had had such a thought (albeit not quite as dramatic) in the back of her mind for weeks, and quite clearly she was still worried that it was a real possibility despite what her mother had said to her over a month prior. “I know but… it could have been real… could be real.” Nastya muttered as she wiped away more tears, trying to stop crying as her shoulders jerked up and down in spite of this effort. “Thank you, Mama.” Nastya said, as her mother said she was there for her, rubbing her arm for additional comfort, not daring to ask for another hug again so soon.

Alyona asked if she’d like a cup of tea, and Nastya managed the tiniest of smiles as she sighed with relief. Sniffing a few times before responding as her heart rate finally started to calm down a little, Anastasiya nodded first with one final sob escaping her before she managed to find her voice. “Yes, please…” She whispered, and watched as her mother put two cups on the table, pleased that Alyona was clearly joining her. “Thank you.” Nastya smiled at her, wiping the last of the tears away.

Glancing over to what her mother had clearly previously been doing, Nastya spotted the potions brewing, and hopped up onto the counter but she hadn’t realised how sore she was from overworking in her training until she felt the aching feeling all down her sides. “Agh…” Nastya groaned before she could stop herself. She hoped that her mother didn’t hear or notice. Quickly trying to divert the attention, Nastya hastily asked “What are you brewing?” in a shaky voice.

“Yes,” Alyona said quietly, “some nightmares could be real and some actually are,” a sad laugh escaped her and she shook her head slightly. She felt like she was living her own nightmare for weeks now and she just wished that there was a way of waking up from it.

Alyona was glad that Nastya wanted a cup of tea. While she could easily have gone on brewing her potions if she wanted to do something while talking to her child, she felt that making them tea would seem a lot less like she was struggling with the situation than if she just went on with the task she had been dealing with before. She boiled some water and selected a few herbs to put into a tea strainer that she placed in the teapot. She had chosen some herbs with calming effect, hoping they’d indeed help them both to relax a little.

“What’s wrong?” Alyona automatically asked as she heard her daughter groan. She felt how her heartbeat quickened a little and took a deep breath. She hoped that it was nothing that needed her attention. She did not really feel up to dealing with any complicated matters anymore this night.

“Nothing really interesting,” she responded to her daughter’s question about what she was brewing. “Just some healing potions to refill the vials…” her voice trailed off. She lifted a hand to rub her temple, hoping that her headache would not get any worse than it was now because that would make it even harder to focus on helping Nastya.

“Shall we go into the living room to have our tea?!” she asked, suddenly eager to sit comfortably. She summoned a tray, put the cups as well as the tea pot on it and carried it into the living room. Once she placed it on the table, she poured them some tea and sank down on the sofa.

“So, do you want to tell me about your nightmare?” she asked her daughter. Truth be told Alyona was not too eager to hear about the nightmare but she found that, maybe, hopefully, talking about it would make it seem less real to Nastya and would consequently soothe her.

Nastya didn’t know what to say as her mother said some nightmares were actually real. It was clear what Alyona was referring to, of course. Nastya didn’t want to unpack their shared living hell that night though. The artistic flyer felt that it was much easier to ignore it when she could. It wasn’t what she really meant either, Nastya was partially convinced that the dream was almost prophetic somehow, that it was trying to warn her that something was going to go horribly wrong during the gala. Her mother, of course, had been given little context to go off of though. Anastasiya wasn’t able to say anything anyway, as another soft cry escaped her. All she could do was nod slightly to her mother’s words.

She watched her mother attentively, much more than was really necessary, as Alyona made the tea. Nastya needed something to focus on to keep herself out of her own whirlwind of thoughts.

Nastya silently cursed herself for not hiding her discomfort better as her mother almost instantly questioned what was wrong. She felt she should have realised that Alyona would have been overly aware of her behaviour, even if she was able to get away with some liberties while Alyona wasn’t around. The youngest of the Tikhomirov sisters decided she was going to have to get better at hiding these things, and get better at deception. “Nothing,” Anastasiya snapped reflexively, waving a hand in an attempt to look nonchalant. “I’m fine.” She stated somewhat aggressively, with clear urgency to her voice. Hopefully, her mother would accept her words and not press her any further on the subject. Nastya didn’t want to have to get any more entangled in a web of lies than she already was. It was getting tricky to keep up with all the excuses she made. Besides, she wanted to feel the aching, as it would stop her from pushing too hard in training later on, which was doubly important if she was to meet Zhenya at lunch. Nastya knew she couldn’t risk working too hard too soon, otherwise someone would eventually notice. She could probably start ignoring the aching, ignoring the dizzy spells when it came closer to the gala though, since Nastya knew that would have to work harder than she ever had in her life before it to be perfect. She felt the audience wouldn’t accept anything less.

“Oh… I see.” Nastya muttered. There was nothing really much else to say. Nastya didn’t really care what Alyona was doing, she had tried to cover up her pain and failed. There was no point drawing out a lengthy discussion over something so mundane and boring. She did, however, notice her mother raise a hand to rub her temple and her eyebrows furrowed in concern as she narrowed her eyes. She wondered if Alyona would actually appreciate her asking though, especially since she hadn’t appreciated it when her mother did the same and so she kept quiet.

“Yes, please.” Nastya confirmed as her mother suggested going to the living room. She vastly preferred the idea of a comfortable sofa where she could lean back instead of an uncomfortable counter where sitting up took some effort. As Alyona summoned the trays, it took a little bit of time for Nastya to shimmy off of the countertop and land her feet on the floor. She bit the inside of her mouth this time to prevent any noises of discomfort that she made as her sides twinged again. Nastya ended up moving much slower than Alyona as she moved into the living room, only flopping onto the sofa after her mother had already sat down. Nastya decided to completely abandon the concept of personal space, sitting close enough to her mother that their shoulders were touching. She still desperately needed physical contact and she was going to do anything to get it.

“No.” Nastya said confidently as her mother asked if she wanted to tell her about the nightmare she had, picking up her cup and taking the first sip of tea, sighing in relief as she did so. “Maybe…” She retracted after a few moments, looking down into her tea now, second-guessing herself. Maybe if she told Alyona about the nightmare, her mother wouldn’t make her do the gala after all? Nastya turned her face slightly to hide a small conspiratorial smirk. “Actually… yes.” She finally decided on as she took a sip from the cup again and leant back on the sofa, tucking her legs underneath her.

“It was about the gala,” Nastya began, glancing at her mother for a second before lowering her eyes to the cup that she was cradling. “And… my performance.” She took a shaky deep breath in and out, still unable to find the courage to look at Alyona. “Everyone there in the crowd hated me… they yelled such mean things…” Her voice trailed off as she took another sip of the tea, eager for it to do something and somehow instantly calm her down. “And… and then someone tried to hex me.” Nastya’s chin wobbled as she took another shaky breath. “I tried to dodge it and then somehow I ended up so high that I was flying higher than all the buildings in Rybinsk. I thought no one could get me up there…” A tear rolled down her cheek as she paused again, feeling a lump in her throat. “But they did. And I couldn’t stop the fall, so I kept falling and falling and falling…” Nastya put the cup down haphazardly on the tray, spilling some over the edge as she did so. Finally, she dared to look at Alyona with watery eyes. “That’s not going to really happen, is it?”

“Nastenka,” Alyona said exasperatedly, “do tell me what’s wrong. I don’t want you to hide anything from me. Not after all that has happened lately.” She looked at her daughter sternly now, wondering how Nastya could possibly think that hiding anything was a good idea. “I might not always have been there for you and your sister when you needed me but I’m here now and I want to help wherever I can. Please, let me do that.” Alyona wanted to help her daughters for their sake as well as her own, feeling that, maybe, if she felt that she had done her best to assure that they were well, she’d get rid of her own headache, too.

Relieved that Nastya accepted to move to the living room, Alyona made her way there. She tried to remember when she had last just sat on the sofa, drinking a cup of tea and couldn’t really remember.  What she couldn’t remember either was when she had last sat on the sofa with her daughter right next to her so that their shoulders touched.

Nastya said that she did not want to talk about her nightmare and Alyona nodded, taking a sip of the hot tea before putting the cup back down again, thinking that it would be better for her daughter to talk about it but at the same time determined not to pressure her to confide in her.

It seemed as though Nastya came to the same conclusion without her help anyway. Alyona nodded again, this time smiling a little as she did so. “Okay,” she said softly, encouraging her younger child to tell her about her nightmare.

Alyona could see why this dream had scared her daughter and put her arm around Nastya, pulling her close after her daughter had put down her cup on the tray again. “Shhh,” she said quietly. “No, this is definitely not going to happen,” she added, her voice sounding strong and encouraging.

“First of all,” she began, looking sideways at her daughter, “the crowd could never hate you.” She offered a slight smile and planted a little kiss on Nastya’s forehead. “Besides, I’ve already told you that we’ll expand on the precautions. Nobody from the stands will be able to send a spell towards the area where you’ll perform. There’ll be security posts everywhere at the school as well and I’ll be in the stadium at a place from which I can use my wand should you need me to.” Alyona took a deep breath now, feeling unsure how she’d deal with the situation at the gala. It was bound to be a challenge for all of them but she was determined to stay strong and pull through. She could play her role there, have the traditional family dinner afterwards and then, she felt, she might just collapse and rest for a few more hours than she now rested at night.

“It’ll be okay,” she repeated softly. “You’ll be fine.”

Nastya sighed in frustration, averting her eyes away from Alyona as her mother looked at her sternly. She lowered her head and let it hang guiltily. The athlete didn't want the healer to think she was deliberately pushing herself too hard and then make her stop. Nastya raised a hand as she gently chewed on her fingernail as she thought. She felt that she could play it off as a normal training thing though, as all athletes got sore from time to time. Besides, surely if she was honest now, Alyona wouldn’t suspect she was hiding anything else from her. Nastya still didn’t want her mother to help with the soreness, but she considered it to be the lesser of two evils. “Fine.” Anastasiya huffed, with a roll of her eyes. “I just ache a bit from training, if you must know.” She admitted as she crossed her arms. “Nothing to get your wand in a knot over…”

It was difficult for Nastya to remember a time like this, where it was just her and her mother alone having a quiet moment. No rushing about, no things to be doing, no one else whose presence mattered more. It was so nice, even if she had to suffer a bit to have made it happen.

Immediately, as soon as she had finished telling her mother about her nightmare, Nastya was glad her mother asked her. She felt like a weight had been lifted from her shoulders sharing her fears with someone else, especially someone who could actually do something about it.

Nastya let herself be pulled close to her mother, as she shuffled down the sofa a bit and laid her head on Alyona’s shoulder, reaching up to lay a hand on her mother’s other shoulder. She sniffed and blinked a few times rapidly, trying not to cry as Alyona tried to convince her that her nightmare wasn’t going to become reality. Nastya decided to just listen to everything her mother said, and not interrupt her. As her mother kissed her forehead, Nastya could feel the tears spilling down her cheeks. She didn’t feel sad though, she felt comforted and loved. She wasn’t used to the feeling and she was going to cherish every second of feeling her mother’s love. Anastasiya slightly nodded against her mother’s collarbone as Alyona reminded her of the precautions that were being put in place for the gala. Of course knowing the arena was going to be magically protected, and that there would be extra security everywhere was comforting, but those didn’t feel so important to Nastya as knowing her mother would be there to watch out for her.

“You’ll be there the whole time?” Nastya questioned pleadingly, glancing up at her mother with tears still rolling down her cheeks. “When I’m not performing…” Nastya began, pausing momentarily to figure out how to ask her mother for what she wanted. “Will you stay with me? Please?” Her voice cracked, betraying how frightened she was of the gala that was quickly approaching them. Nastya had never been dependent on her mother before, she had prided herself on her independence, but Nastya didn’t think she could get through the day without being attached to her mother’s side the entire time.

Nastya leaned forward to grab her tea again, taking several large sips of the warm drink and sighing as she put the more than half empty cup back down and relaxed back against her mother again, nuzzling her head against the crook of Alyona’s shoulder. The healer said she would be fine, and Anastasiya wondered how she could say it so confidently. “Will I?” She murmured questioningly. “What if I make a mistake and everyone laughs at me?” Nastya knew she was being silly now, she almost never made mistakes while performing, but it didn’t stop her from worrying that she’d do so anyway. “I have to be perfect or they’ll all hate me, won’t they? We all know I’m not who they all wanted to see…” Nastya was surprised at herself, that she was being so truthful and admitting all these things to Alyona. She didn’t think she’d ever be so candid about her true feelings, especially when not more than a few minutes prior she’d been trying to be deceptive and secretive.

Anastasiya looked up at her mother again, with a small appreciative smile. “Thank you for encouraging me to tell you…” Nastya muttered, feeling her eyelids droop a bit, and she readjusted her head against Alyona’s shoulder, determined to stay awake to talk to her mother for longer. She didn’t know when she’d get the opportunity to do so again. “I feel better now.” Nastya admitted as she lowered her gaze again. “I know you must think I’m being silly…” She half-laughed at herself, curling up tighter against her mother, feeling that it would be a surprise if Alyona disagreed. She felt she was being silly after all, and she was the one saying all these things. Nastya wanted to reach for the tea again, hoping to finish it off, but she was so comfy and warm against her mother now, that she didn’t think she had the energy to do so anymore.

Alyona did not fully believe Nastya when she said that she was just sore from training. Something about the way she had first tried to hide it and then took a moment before stating that she was aching from training made her wonder if Nastya was just claiming to be sore from training in order to stop her from inquiring further. The healer did not want to be guilty of not acting when it was needed but right at this moment it seemed to her that her first priority should be Nastya’s mental state. She would observe her daughter closely though, if there were more hints that there was something more serious than just a bit of soreness she’d act at once.

While she tried her best to reassure her daughter, Alyona wasn’t quite convinced if she was doing a good job there. She had a distinct feeling that she was generally doing a poor job of figuring her daughters out. After all, she had not even considered it a possibility that Aglaya had had any real problems although she had apparently been dealing with a stalker for years. Nastya had often been in her elder sister’s shadow and Alyona wondered if that had been good or bad. Clearly her younger daughter seemed to feel neglected but at the same time she had been spared a lot of pressure and had received less attention from the media.

“Of course I’ll be there the whole time,” Alyona said. She already felt tired and exhausted all the time. It was really a mystery she still had to solve how she’d be able to deal with everything that she still had to do. It felt like too much but she had two important roles to live up to - the one of a healer and the one of a mother. She could not allow herself to rest unless she had done all in her might to assure that both her daughters were doing okay. However, her tasks were not just limited to that - as a member of the Tikhomirov family she had a lot to handle when it came to the upcoming gala, too.

“Nastenka…” Alyona said, gently stroking her daughter’s shoulder, “I will have my own tasks at the gala. You know that everybody has their part to play at such events. You can, of course, stick around when you are not performing but I will be quite busy.” The situation was extreme. Alyona was very aware of that. Nonetheless she thought that Nastya was old enough not to need her mother around the entire time. She would, however, ask Anton, Valera and some others to keep an eye on her when she couldn’t do so herself. Yet, promising to hold her adult daughter’s hand the entire time was nothing she was willing to do or could even do for that matter.

“Now you’re being silly,” Alyona said, her voice not as soft as it had been before. Nastya was really behaving like a small kid and it bothered her that she was so needy. “Whenever has the crowd laughed at an athlete for making a mistake? It has never happened and won’t happen! I won’t listen to any more of that nonsense. You will perform well and, even if you make a mistake, it doesn’t matter. It’s only a show, nobody will judge or even hate you for that.”

She paused briefly to consider what she could tell her in response to the last part Nastya had mentioned. “The audience does not come because of a single athlete,” she began hesitantly but got a little more confident with every word she said, “they want to see a good show and they’ll be excited to see all the athletes. Whether or not you are perfect doesn’t matter as long as you try your best. Aglaya might have a lot of fans but so do you. There are countless people who are looking forward to seeing you perform.”

Alyona smiled slightly as Nastya thanked her for encouraging her to talk about her nightmare. “It’s good to talk. It puts things back into perspective and I’m sure that you’ll be fine. The show might seem scary and strange at this point but I think it’ll help us all to move on. We cannot change what has happened and life goes on.” Alyona realised that she might sound a little too detached and cold but it did not help anyone if they kept thinking about the things that had happened and that couldn’t be changed. Aglaya would recover physically and surely rediscover her strength and ambition at some point, too. They’d do their best to catch the culprit and they were already improving the security measures. There was nothing more to be done. They needed to look ahead.

As Alyona did not question her any further about her soreness, Nastya felt that she had clearly made the right decision and that her mother actually believed her. She smirked to herself triumphantly, feeling that she had somehow outsmarted her mother for once, and distinctly not guilty about hiding her true intentions. It wasn’t as if she was lying to her for any malicious reason, if anything, Anastasiya felt that she was doing Alyona a favour. After all, she’d no doubt still feel sore in the morning, and therefore it would be difficult to push herself too far and give herself an injury; an injury that Alyona would then have to treat. That was something that, she was sure, neither of them wanted.

Nastya gave a relieved smile as her mother said she’d be there the whole time. For some reason it was more comforting knowing this piece of information than knowing that there would be a whole bunch of security there. “Good…” Nastya sighed, feeling the tiniest bit better about the idea of performing in front of a whole crowd.

It was hard for Nastya to hide the disappointment on her face as Alyona said she had other tasks to do, and that she would be busy. Anastasiya was hurt for a moment by this, automatically jumping to the conclusion that perhaps Alyona just didn’t want to deal with her, but she tried to be rational before reacting properly. It did make sense that Alyona would be busy, and Nastya realised that her mother was right to remind her that she would have other tasks than just being Nastya’s own personal bodyguard. “Oh…” Nastya began in a shaky voice, trying to buy herself some time as she tried to figure out what she could say. “I’m sorry… I guess that was selfish of me.” She muttered despondently under her breath, failing to hide her feelings as she lowered her eyes down to the floor. “I won’t bother you then…” She added, “I’ll stick by Tolya.” Nastya tried to say his name warmly, but it still had a bitter tone to it. She didn’t mean it, the athlete had grown to like her cousin a lot as they were forced to work more closely together as a result of their upcoming joint performance. He was actually good company, and she would (surprisingly) enjoy their performance together, for the most part. Anastasiya had absolutely no intention of spending time with him though, and she was telling a completely bare-faced lie.

Nastya remained quiet for a few seconds as she began scheming, like she had been doing for most of the time since she’d first been told that she was to replace her sister, as she was now convinced she’d spotted a way she could escape at least one of her performances. If her mother wasn’t willing to watch over her, then Nastya was convinced that she’d have no one watching her. Therefore, if she had no one watching her, Nastya was determined to try and hide so that she wouldn’t have to do her solo. She’d never hide for her duet with Anatoliy, it wasn’t fair to let him down, and she’d find strength in having someone there besides her but… on her own? Nastya still wasn’t sure if she could do it. Perhaps if she timed it right, she could even manage to use the floo network from the office, and barricade herself in her room. Though the trouble she’d get into after… Was it worth it? Probably not. “But… you’ll be watching my performances, won’t you?” Nastya questioned, in a wobbly voice, and she hated how insecure and clingy she sounded. It wasn’t like her at all, and she knew it.

Although the change in Alyona’s tone stung a little bit, Nastya actually appreciated the no-nonsense words of her mother. Perhaps it wasn’t what she wanted; what she wanted was Alyona to tell her that she didn’t have to do the gala at all and that they could stay home and never deal with the outside world again. However, her words were what Nastya needed even if the artistic flyer couldn’t see that fully yet. “I’m sorry.” Anastasiya weakly offered again. She turned her head slightly, burrowing her face into her mother’s shoulder, smiling slightly as Alyona tried to reassure her that no one would hate her if she made a mistake. Her mother said she would perform well, and the faith that Alyona must have had for her to say so, put Nastya at ease a little as she nodded slightly, readjusting her head as she looked up at the other witch. “Only a show…” Nastya whispered to herself, trying to convince herself that her earlier plan of hiding would not actually be needed. “I know.” She eventually muttered, trying to keep her voice steady. “I’m just not used to being…” Nastya glanced at her mother as she trailed off, unsure if she should actually finish the sentence. She wasn’t used to being the star, being the centre of attention. “It’s just… it’s a lot of pressure.” Nastya sighed, as she settled on her words.

Nastya wanted to believe what Alyona was saying as she listened closely, sighing once more. The concept that she didn’t have to be perfect was wild, and shook her head slightly against Alyona’s shoulder. “I do, though…” Nastya felt that everyone else seemed to place her elder sister on some kind of pedestal and viewed as the pinnacle of perfection. Therefore, Nastya felt that she had to be just as perfect in order to be a suitable replacement. She knew that technically, she was precise and flawless in ways that Aglayka could never even hope to be, but Nastya also knew that her expressiveness was her downfall, and that no matter how hard she worked, she could never perform as well as her sister did. Anastasiya shuddered as her mother mentioned that she, too, had fans  who would want to see her at the gala. She wasn’t sure if she wanted fans anymore, not after what had happened. “Well, I’m not looking forward to performing for them.” Nastya replied bitterly, with a frown. “I’d rather perform to an empty arena… I hate…” She stopped herself from continuing, feeling that ‘hate’ was too strong a word for her actual meaning. “I don’t… like fans anymore.” She sighed, feeling that she would just be told that she was being silly again, “They scare me.”

She smiled slightly as Alyona said it was good to talk. It made Nastya feel that she had done the right thing, seeking out her mother instead of just crying alone in her room. Her mother’s voice was steady and it was very soothing. Nastya took a deep breath in and out, leaning further against Alyona as she relaxed. Her mother believed she would be fine, and that was all the encouragement Nastya needed in that moment. She hummed in agreement, as she felt the tension dissipating in her shoulders that Nastya didn’t even realise she’d had until that moment. Every part of her was growing so heavy, and Nastya felt like she just couldn’t move. In fact, she was pretty sure that Alyona was the only obstacle that was keeping her semi-upright. “Yeah… I know you’re right…” Nastya began slowly, her voice betraying her drowsiness, as she felt her eyelids drooping again, and she blinked rapidly to keep them open. “It’s just a show.” She half smiled, looking up at her mother, and trying to stop her eyelids fluttering. “Everything will be… fine.” She finished, her voice weak, as she sighed yet again. Nastya hoped Alyona wouldn’t notice that she was struggling to stay awake and would keep talking to her.

Nastya said that it had been selfish of her to want her mother to stay with her for the entire time of the gala and Alyona thought that this was indeed true. However, given her daughter’s current state of mind she did not want to say so. If she did that would just prolong their current conversation and that wouldn’t be helpful for either of them. Alyona hoped that she could get some sleep this night, after all.

The way Nastya stated that she wouldn’t bother her and stick to Anatoliy made Alyona frown. She doubted that her daughter would actually stay with her cousin and had a distinct feeling that Nastya was planning something that she did not approve of. However, now wasn’t the time to inquire further or to try and prevent something that wouldn’t happen for weeks.

“Of course I’ll be watching your performances,” Alyona reassured her child and ran her hands through Nastya’s hair. “How could I miss that?! I’m looking forward to seeing you perform.” Truth be told, Alyona was mostly looking forward to a little normality and watching at least one of her daughters perform was what she would call normal.

She kept stroking her daughter’s head as she listened to what else Nastya said. “There’s always pressure. Now isn’t different from any other time,” Alyona muttered, her voice sounding tired, “not really different anyway. No matter if your sister is there or not, whenever you performed people were watching you and you alone.” Alyona was aware that the situation actually was different now but it was always a matter of the right perspective and attitude. It did not have to be of any consequence.

“Don’t be silly,” Alyona said a little more sharply than she had intended. “Without any fans, any spectators you couldn’t be an artistic flyer. We need the audience. There wouldn’t be competitions or shows if nobody was interested in the sport. Then it would just be a hobby, a way to pass your time.”

Nastya’s voice sounded sleepy now and it seemed to Alyona that her daughter had a hard time keeping her eyes open. Hopefully she’d just fall asleep soon, the healer thought as she kept stroking Nastya’s head, feeling quite ready to sleep herself.

“Yeah,” Alyona confirmed once again, “it’s just a show. You’ll be safe and you’ll do fine. Everything will be fine. There’s no need to worry.” Her voice sounded calm and reassuring although Alyona thought about all the obstacles that they still had to overcome.

As Nastya’s eyes fell shot and her body relaxed some more Alyona shifted in her position, trying to get comfortable enough to sleep. After a while, though, she carefully freed herself, leaving Nastya on the sofa and covering her with a blanket. She then slowly made her way to her own bedroom, yawning as she mounted the stairs and hoping for at least a few hours of sleep before the next day would start and confront her with all the problems she had to face.

[out]

Anastasiya smiled in satisfaction as Alyona said she’d be watching both her performances and was looking forward to seeing her perform. Her eyes lowered reflexively as she felt her mother run her hand through her hair, waiting a beat before muttering “thank you,” under her breath. Even if she performed for no one else, she’d do her best to perform well for her mother, who, at that moment in time, seemed like her only fan.

She tried to listen carefully to what the healer was saying, though she was finding it increasingly difficult to concentrate. Nastya found she couldn’t respond in any other way than humming in agreement. Ordinarily, the senior artistic flyer most likely would not have agreed with her mother’s assessment. Sometimes, Nastya had wondered if the audience at shows or at competitions actually watched her because they wanted to, or whether it was just something to occupy them while they waited for her golden, superior sister. However, as her eyes lowered again with Alyona's gentle stroking of her hair, Nastya would have quite possibly agreed to anything the other witch said.

As her mother’s voice grew sharp, Nastya glanced up at Alyona, who had briefly caught her full attention again. Okay, so her mother actually had a good point there. Nastya didn’t want artistic flying to be merely a hobby, she lived for the thrill of competition, to show off what she could do to others. Nastya wanted to be the champion; of Russia, of Europe and of the World. She wanted to dominate the sport to the point that she was invincible, unstoppable, revered by all. Her tongue felt oddly heavy in her mouth though, and so she only managed a simple “that’s true.”

With the repeated petting of her hair, Nastya was beginning to find it more and more difficult to open her eyes each time. It was seeming to be just as effective as any sleeping potion the healer could brew, despite the athlete’s best efforts to fight against it. She was barely listening to her mother anymore as Alyona reassured her again that everything would be fine, the gentle touch and calm voice combined easily lulling the exhausted witch. “Okay…” Nastya breathed, hardly making a sound at all as her eyes fluttered one more time before closing. Before Nastya even realised what was happening, her head slipped down Alyona’s shoulder slightly and her hand gently fell limp over the side of the sofa as her body finally fully slumped against her mother, relaxing into a deep sleep, her slow and deep breathing just about audible.

A while later, as Alyona freed herself from her daughter, Nastya stirred slightly from the movement but was too exhausted to be woken, and she merely rolled over onto her side as her mother placed a blanket over her, remaining that way for the rest of the night.

[out]