islington | summer skylines — benny

“I don’t get it?” He said, following Tomie’s last word.

Benny had been quiet while Tomie offered him snippets of information, but when it seemed like she was finished and glanced away, Benny was more confused than when the conversation had started. Benny knew very little about crushes, relationships, and the rest, and he knew even less about the conversation they were having now. Benny nodded because Tomie was particular, “I’m not a lesbian,” and tried to remember what the older kids in their building had said about the subject. Unfortunately, most of Benny’s education about sex, gender, and preferences had been from boys only a few years older than him, and the wizard didn’t know enough yet to realize they were all full of shit.

He did remember that lesbians meant two witches, so Tomie couldn’t have been that because she liked JR. And she’d said she would never date a girl, so Benny nodded again. And then she said “but,” and he paused, thinking she might continue. When Tomie grew quiet again, Benny finally confessed that he had no idea what she meant. “I don’t get it?” His best friend was looking at him again, and Benny continued.

“So… you like boys… and you would never date a witch… you dated a wizard….” -- But not me – “And you’re not a lesbian….” Benny recounted all of the things she’d told him, and as he listed them off, it seemed simple, but the sound of Tomie’s “but” confused him. On paper, all of those things correlated; likes boys + dates boys + does not date girls = not a lesbian. So why did he feel like there was more to it than that, and why had she brought up him liking boys in the first place?

“What are you saying, then?”

So… you like boys…

“Yep.”

...and you would never date a witch…

“No!” Ew. Imaginary tattoos on Mattias’ mystery girlfriend were bad enough. She would never.

you dated a wizard….

“Uh-huh.”

And you’re not a lesbian…

Tomie glanced at him sharply. That word had been swung at her like a weapon after the stupid Shelby kiss, and she wanted so desperately to never ever hear it again. Wouldn’t it be nice if she never had to hear it ever again?? She could feel a tightness in her throat, and a part of her wanted to shake him a bit, get her feelings out of her body with aggression rather than (ugh), tears.

“I guess like, maybe I could crush on a girl,” she told him quietly. Guess. Maybe. Could. The cushioning words came out to soften the thing she’d barely ever even thought so explicitly. “Like, capacity-wise,” she added. “Same as you.” Tomie sighed, then reached instinctively for the other packet of crisps. Salt and vinegar. She popped it open and started munching, remembering soon enough that she hadn’t remembered to bring anything to drink. She held it out to her friend, praying silently that he wouldn’t just ditch her when it finally clicked. Her words were a bit mumbly, and said in between mouthfuls.

“I know it’s not like, a huge deal. Since I can sort of just ignore it.” It sure felt like a huge deal, and was more difficult to ignora than she was making it out to be. “I just wish it’d go away — it feels like this whole thing.” Her voice was tight at the end, tight and emotional, and Tomie glanced straight up at the now orangey-golden sky, blinking a couple of times for no good reason.

Benny supposed he was starting to understand what Tomie meant, but it felt like he was building a puzzle without all the pieces. And sure, with enough of them, he could sort of make out what the picture was, but it didn’t make a lot of sense. All the things she said made sense, in a way, and he wondered if he was supposed to feel some specific way about what she was telling him. Because Tomie seemed to feel so strongly about not being a lesbian, Benny decided he would back her up on that. And because she seemed like she wanted him to take another crisp, he did that too.

“Okay, makes sense,” It didn’t, but Benny really wanted it to. If only because he thought it might make Tomie more comfortable. “Ignore it, though?” He asked, biting into a crisp that fell apart in his hand and littered crumbs on his shorts. Benny brushed them off quickly and turned back to Tomie. “So, you don’t want to… have the capacity… to have a crush on a girl?” He hesitated to use her words, but Benny wasn’t trying to throw them back at her. He just wanted to be on the same page.

Benny could be kind of thick sometimes, and Tomie generally didn’t mind, because she could be thick too. She tried to keep her jittery anxieties from turning into more frustration aimed at him. She dragged her gaze away from the sky to meet his instead, feeling vulnerable and nervous. “What do you think my parents would say?” she asked him quietly, trying her best to keep any heavy emotions out of her voice, and not really succeeding. Her mother would probably cry or something. And then they’d kick her out, or send her to family in Indonesia or, or—

“Imagine if Matt was dating some guy.” She insisted, cutting the nightmare fantasy off before it could really get going like it did very late at night when she couldn’t sleep. “Like — how much worse would that be than tattoos?” She silently urged him to imagine what his parents would say. They weren’t quite as strict as her mum and dad, but it couldn’t be anything good.

She held the crisps out for him again, letting him take the packet and have the last ones. Then she pulled her legs up and twisted herself so she was sitting cross-legged atop the wall facing him, instead of with her legs dangling off of the side. "And you know how everyone was after the Shelby thing," she added, glancing down.

“Well, when you put it like that …” Benny couldn’t stop himself from saying, and his head rolled a little as the words came out. Before, all he had been thinking about was what Tomie’s words meant to her, and maybe a bit about himself, too, but now that she’d tossed her parents in, Benny couldn’t unsee what she meant. Her parents had freaked when they pierced their ears because it wasn’t entirely proper; he could only imagine how it would be if they found out she liked girls instead of what they expected. He blinked a few times and then shrugged; Benny had finally caught up.

“Oh, yeah…” It was a harsh reality to swallow, and it wasn’t even about him. Benny imagined what his parents might say if he did the exact opposite of what they had told him was right, and he knew it wouldn’t be a fun conversation. And Benny’s parents weren’t nearly as demanding as Tomie’s. If Matt bringing home a witch with tattoos were basically like dropping a bomb, then Tomie’s secret would likely level the whole city.

And the whole Shelby thing, too, Benny nodded when she brought it up. The wizard turned to meet her when Tomie moved, one of his legs still dangling but the other knee resting on the top of the wall now. Suddenly his woes about not having his first kiss seemed so small in comparison, and he felt silly for not understanding what she meant earlier. “You don’t have to tell them, though, right?” Maybe it would go away on its own, or possibly her parents wouldn’t be as mad as they assumed, Benny wanted to be hopeful, but he wasn’t sure what she would like him to hope for.

He was starting to get it. Tomie was surprised it hadn’t happened more quickly; he knew better than most what her parents were like. She was just glad her mum and his were such good friends, or she wouldn’t be able to hang out with him nearly this much.

“No,” Tomie agreed softly, plucking absentmindedly at Benny’s shoelace. “I don’t.” He was getting it, but he didn’t seem to be uncomfortable with it. It was more than she could have hoped for, but... A part of her was sure she just needed to make it clearer so he would understand that he should be kind of disgusted by her, or something. Tomie cringed inwardly at the wording of her thoughts, but there was a part of her that did feel like that, so there was another part that thought that he should feel like that, too.

“I haven’t told anyone,” she said, in case that wasn’t abundantly clear. Tomie didn’t glance up at him, because she was starting to feel really grateful for his supportive (albeit, confused) reaction, and it was making her chest hurt. That was classic Benny, though; sweet enough to make her wanna cry.

“Cept for me,” Benny said, trying to be funny even though the situation didn’t call for it. He puffed out his chest just a little before slumping again. In a way, he felt pretty good that Tomie had told him before anyone else, but it didn’t make things less confusing. Tomie was giving him mixed messages about how she felt, and that was making it nearly impossible for him to figure out how he felt about it. Was he supposed to comfort her? Or feel slighted that she’d admitted she’d have a crush on a girl before she’d ever have one on him? Benny supposed he could do both and maybe more.

“Was it because of the Shelby thing?” Benny had never been good at being reticent, and his words betrayed his thoughts. “Like, is that when you knew?” That you might like girls… The wizard felt like now was the time for asking questions, but he didn’t have many. Knowing Benny, he’d think of a million things to ask at about 10 pm tonight, when it would have been absolutely inappropriate for him to contact her. Benny didn’t think any less of Tomie because of what she had told him, but it didn’t mean that things hadn’t changed. Their parents had set similar standards growing up, and Tomie had just refused one of them.

“Yeah,” Tomie agreed, tugging on his shoelace until it came undone. She couldn’t help but let a small half-smile creep onto her lips at that. “‘Cept for you.” She was confused about how she was feeling right now, and confused about what sort of reaction she was looking for. She was still nervous, but Benny was still right here in front of her, being his usual lovely self. She felt another sentimental wave of feeling in her chest.

“Um,” Tomie said. When had she known? Last summer had been a bit of a game changer, she supposed. Between laughing with Wendy in Shelby’s bunk, flipping through comic pages together, feeling like a creep for how much she was noticing all these little details about the blonde’s freckles and hair and so on, and running between the camp cabins late at night with Shelby, sneaking, showing off, trying not to laugh and trying not to get caught… She grimaced a bit to think of it all. She hadn’t really understood then, but she’d felt something.

She really didn’t like to poke at it like this. Most of the time her go-to approach was basic repression; don’t think about it, and it isn’t true. Nothing wrong with noticing the pink in Trudy’s cheeks when she talked passionately about animals or whatever, as long as Tomie’s gaze didn’t linger and as long as she actively trained her thoughts away from it. Et cetera.

“Nah, before that,” she admitted, risking a glance at her friend. Everything was so golden now; the sun was dipping on the horizon line, which meant it had to be really late. She wasn’t going to be the one to cut this short, though.  “I mean. I don’t really know when it, like… Solidified in my head or whatever…” Tomie was tying up his shoelace now, into a neat double bow. “But um. Actually. I guess it was one of the reasons I didn’t… In November, y’know?” She glanced at him to check he got it, then went back to tying his shoe. “Was kind of confused about it? Still am, I think?”

Tomie pulled on his shoelace, and Benny scrunched his nose a little, but it wasn’t a frustrating sort of look. He could tell she was trying to get her thoughts sorted, and if making him a tripping hazard helped with the process, he supposed he could live with that. When she began to answer his questions, Benny was as quiet as ever. He remained silent in the face of her (likely rhetorical) questions and then nodded twice.

“Yeah,” It made sense, and it didn’t, but Benny just felt better hearing her say it. For a little while (okay, a long time, like up until about two minutes ago), Benny had thought there was something about him that had been the reason. He had thought he wasn’t smart enough or good enough at quidditch, but now he realized it wasn’t his fault. And it wasn’t hers either; he knew that, too. It just was what it was.

“Suppose that makes sense,” he added, to buy himself a few more seconds to think about a better response. “What parts are you confused about?” He asked, rolling his ankle to inspect her work on his shoelace. It was tighter than the other trainer now, so Benny shifted his legs so that the new shoe was dangling, and he could retie the other to match it. “Like is it solidified now?” Benny undid his shoelace and began looping the strings as he used her word to ask another question.