It's been awhile since I've seen the way the candles light your face [Justin]

And it's been awhile
But I can still remember just the way you taste

“Justin! Open the door, Justin! Please!”

Ryan was in a bad way. He was swaying, absolutely plastered, and banging on Justin's door in the middle of the night. It was probably 2 am but drunk!Ryan didn't care about the time, all he cared about was making sure that Justin heard what he was trying to say. He wasn't ready to give up on him, not yet. He wasn't ready to give up on any of this.

Over the past few weeks, things had changed. Ryan had pulled away from Justin and wasn't sure what he wanted to do. They were getting too close, and that was the only way Ryan could think to explain it. Justin was a constant fixture in his daily life. He came over and made dinner almost every day, he stayed over so often than he was almost living there—which was nice, considering how often Jane was away from home lately. Ryan had never had a boyfriend before, he had never wanted anyone. Now, he found himself missing Justin on the nights when he was away. Or, well he had found that.

Lately, Ryan had been trying to minimize the amount of time he was spending with Justin, after a very very close call one morning. Justin had played hooky from work and come over to make a surprise breakfast for Ryan  after a night out. Ryan had felt thankful for Justin, and had spent all day proving to him how thankful he was with kissing, cuddles, and lots of mind-blowing, passionate, sex. Their sex was always like that, just as fulfilling, just as meaningful. They made love in a way Ryan never had before and in a way Ryan claimed he didn't know how to. Every time was special. For the first time, then, Ryan felt his chest tighten in a way that felt very much like love, and he couldn't abide. The next day he had decided to cut Justin out of his life completely.

It hadn't been easy. It had started with pushing Justin out, then being conveniently 'busy' whenever Justin tried to come over. He had gotten to the point where he had hidden inside while Justin knocked on the door looking for him. He was trying to just ghost him, just quietly and carefully never see him again. It hurt, but he didn't realize how much it really hurt, until Justin really did stop trying.

Up to this point, Ryan was just trying to prove to himself that he didn't need Justin. He was going out, he was finding other guys, he was trying... but then Justin made it hurt. He left Ryan a letter with his key to the apartment attached to it. The letter was slid under his door, not mailed, which meant that Justin had come by and hand-delivered it during one of the days that Ryan had refused to see him. Despite knowing that he was pushing Justin away, intentionally, he hadn't really expected for Justin to give up. Somehow, he expected to stay indefinitely, and his presence was missed.

It had been a week since Ryan got Justin's key, and there had been no more attempts. There had only been silence, and Ryan heard it louder than anything else he'd ever heard.  It was hard to do anything, hard to go to work, hard to cook dinner, hard to go out, hard to sleep with anyone else, and Ryan had tried. He found himself gravitating towards those who looked just like him, and then realizing it just before it was too late. He was looking for a replacement, and that wasn't healthy. He had turned himself around and went home, alone. He'd been sleeping alone ever since, and his bed felt cold. He'd been pent up, but he'd been, mostly.

Then, he just happened to see Justin. He was on Justin's side of town looking for something at the shops, totally not stalking his not-ex. He walked by a cafe and did a double-take as he saw Justin sitting inside, but the boy wasn't alone. While he didn't see the guy's face, he noticed there was a mystery man with an arm around him. They were cuddling over coffee, and Ryan had never been more livid. He went straight home, without what he was looking for, and he hit the bottle right away. He drank, drank, slept, got off, drank, and now he was here, pounding on what he was certain was Justin's door at 2 am, begging the other to take him back.

“Justin, I'm sorry! I miss you. I wanna be with you, Justin. Take me back....” He banged, desperately. He hoped Justin wasn't in there with that other guy. What if he was? What if they were in bed together, and Justin came out wearing just a pair of pants. He answered the door and told Ryan to go away just go go back to him. The thoughts of skin against skin filled Ryan with disgust, anger and rage. He hit the door harder, desperate.

“Please, Justin, just talk to me. I know you're home. It's late. Just let me in....”

[member=23611]Justin Finch-Fletchley[/member] , [member=23714]Sarah C[/member]

It had been going so well. Justin should have known that this was the first sign that everything was falling apart. He had been happy, spending his days and nights with Ryan. He thought he'd been doing things right. As much as he'd desperately wanted more than just this sort of loose relationship they were engaged in, he'd kept it light. He hadn't fought against it when Ryan wanted to go out searching for other guys as much as it tore him up inside. Justin had just been grateful for every kiss, every moment. It had been blissful. He'd even told Hefin about Ryan, how happy he was despite things not being exactly what he would have wanted. The Hufflepuff was content to be whatever Ryan needed from him as long as he kept him in his life.

And then it all began unraveling. It started simple, Ryan being too busy to let Justin stay the night, then he was too busy for dinner, then he just never seemed to be home. At least, that was the lie Justin told himself until the day he saw Ryan inside his flat through an open window. That's when Justin realized Ryan wasn't busy, but just avoiding him. He went home and sobbed until dawn. Gutted, haunted, he wrote a note, simply saying goodbye, and wrapped it around the spare key before slipping it through the mail slot. Justin went home and wrote a letter to Hefin. The parchment was tearstained and read simply: "I'm hurting. I need you, please."

It took Hefin a few days to arrange to come back so soon after his last visit, but he came. He really was a very good friend. The Aussie held Justin while he cried, then forced him to shower, shave, and get out of his flat. On Heffie's last day, they went out for coffee and it had been almost enough to make Justin forget his ache. He'd said his goodbyes and gone home to the mama dog that he and Ryan had rescued. All the pups had already gone to good homes but Justin had been unable to part with her. He'd named her Eliza and they adored each other.

Like most nights since he'd been regularly sleeping in his own flat, he had trouble falling asleep. It had become a habit that when he was restless, Justin would take his girl out for a late night walk. Tonight was no exception. With Hefin gone again, there was nothing to distract the poor boy from his pain. So he walked, listening to the occasional buzz of cars, and the muted music coming from pubs and clubs he passed.

It was after 2am when he and Eliza arrived back at his flat to the sound of a familiar voice yelling his name. He was very confused. Why was Ryan here? Why was he banging on his neighbor's door and calling his name? He briefly considered just slipping into his apartment and not saying anything, since his neighbor happened to be on a week-long holiday and so could not be disturbed. But he could see that Ryan was plastered and he couldn't just leave him out here alone. Besides, Eliza's tail was wagging. She was clearly glad to see Ryan. Justin sighed softly, taking a deep breath.

"Ryan?" Justin called out softly. "Please stop yelling? I think my neighbors are asleep and it wouldn't be nice to wake them." He walked to his door, taking out his keys. "Come on. You're drunk, so I should probably sober you up before you head home."

Ryan turned around quickly when he heard Justin;s voice coming from behind him. He blinked. This was not expected. He thought that Justin was inside, ignoring him while he spilled his heart out, not behind him. He felt really stupid there for a second, but was over it quickly. He was too drunk to dwell on it.

“Justin....” He said, his eyes wet and wide. “You're here...” He bit his lip and moved closer to him. “I'm so sorry, Justin. I'm sorry. I want you back...” He said, his voice barely a whisper. He looked down at the dog, the one they had saved together and he smiled at her. She looked happy to see daddy, and Ryan   felt a surge of protective happiness in his chest. He knelt to pet her. God, it had been awhile hadn't it? She probably thought she was never going to see Ryan again...

Ryan thought that he was never going to see Justin again, either, but that didn't work out too well....

He was drunk, but he was elated that Justin was going to let him inside, even for a minute, even just to listen. He was so relieved that Justin hadn't been in bed with someone else that he could barely breath through the relief. “I know you found someone else already but—fuck him, Justin. He doesn't need you like I need you. I wanna be with you this time, for real. I do. I want you. I'm so sorry.” He wasn't really giving explanations, he was just rambling. He missed him. He loved him. He wanted him back. That was all he could say, round and round.

He noticed that he had been banging on the wrong door, and flushed a bit, but didn't dwell much on that either. He instead just turned back to Justin, and waited while he opened the door to his place.

“Talk to me. Yell at me. Say something, Justin. I need you to yell at me.”

Ryan spoke so quietly that Justin doubted he'd heard him right. There was no way Ryan had just apologized, asked for him back. The other man reeked of alcohol, he was so clearly drunk it was ridiculous. Still, the sight of Ryan dropping to his knees to hug their Justin's dog tugged at the broken pieces inside his chest.

Then Ryan was saying something about Justin finding another guy and that was really confusing, almost as confusing as hearing Ryan say how much he needed him, how much he missed him. Justin whistled for his girl to head inside and she happily trotted past him to her bed, where she sat up, looking at her two dads with clear excitement.

"Ryan..." Justin sighed. He didn't need this. He didn't need to hear Ryan promising things that the Hufflepuff knew he would simply deny in the morning. Justin could already feel the bitterness in the back of this throat, the way Ryan would say he was drunk, that he didn't mean it. But even so, he was here and something about seeing the tough, aloof boy he'd fallen for begging him with wide, desperate eyes made it impossible for Justin to be cruel. "You smell like the Hare on a bad night," he told him, shaking his head. "Just get in, okay? I'll get you some water and we can talk."

He ushered Ryan inside and sat him at his kitchen table. Ryan had only been to Justin's place maybe once or twice. Honestly, Justin was surprised that in his inebriated state he had managed to get here in one piece. It was a remarkably clean flat, with simple furnishings. An herb garden sat in the window, and a vase of flowers that Hefin had given him before he left sat on the coffee table.

Justin grabbed a cup and filled it with cold water from his fridge. He handed it to Ryan, trying to ignore the way his skin tingled when their fingers touched. He didn't sit down, but leaned against the sink, facing away from Ryan. He couldn't look at him, with his face flushed and hair tosseled, in that leather jacket, and not feel like he was breaking all over again.

He took a steadying breath. "Why are you here, Ryan?"

Ryan took a seat at the table and sipped at the water that Justin gave him. He was dizzy, a little, but the water helped ground him. He looked over at Justin, heart breaking all over again. Justin didn't even look at him when he spoke, and that really hurt Ryan.

“I'm sorry.” He began. “I'm so stupid. I got so scared when I started feeling.. stuff.. and then I didn't want to feel anything.” He rambled. “But I'm done running away from it, Justin, I wanna be with you. Just you. I want us to be together and I want you to come over to my flat and stay with me, and I want Eliza to have two daddies, and I want you in my life and in my bed and in my heart, Justin, please...”

He wanted the other to turn around, so he could see the look on his face. “I don't care that you found some guy to put his arm around you over coffee, he doesn't love you like I love you, Justin...”

He was close to crying. He got up from the table and went over to Justin. He put a hand on his shoulder. “Please...” He gripped Justin's key to Ryan's flat in his free hand. He had been carrying it. “Just take me back....”

Justin didn't think the world was a cruel place. He'd seen darkness, he'd seen ugly things, he'd seen the most repulsive parts of humanity. He'd buried schoolmates and het through it all, he'd still held out hope that the world was a better place than it often seemed. But this? Oh, this was too much. This was too awful; to hear the words he'd wanted to hear since that last year at Hogwarts, knowing there was no way Ryan meant even half of it.

His tears made soft plinking sounds as they hit the metal sink. "Don't," he choked out. "Don't say those things. Don't give me false hope, Ryan. I've known since Hogwarts that I wasn't what you wanted, I knew when I asked to be with you that morning after Sparks that you'd never want me like I wanted you. I've accepted that."

He turned to face Ryan, tears streaming silently from his wide hazel eyes. His pain was momentarily eaten up by confusion. Coffee? The only person he'd been out to coffee with was...

"Wait, are you talking about Hefin?" Justin asked, blinking in confusion. "Hefin isn't trying to, wait, how did you see us?" It was getting more confusing by the second. "Heffie and I are just friends. We've been close since school. He just came to see me. I told him that I'd..." Justin shook his head, not really wanting to go into the way he'd sobbed into his friend's chest. "He was just trying to cheer me up." So confused and drained, Justin almost missed the L word. "Wait, you love..."

There it was, the offer that Justin never expected to hear. How he desperately wanted to take it. He didn't want to be alone, he ached and all he wanted, all he'd ever wanted was Ryan. But he couldn't. "You're just going to take it back," he whispered sadly. "In the morning, when you sober up, you'll take it all back. It doesn't mean anything. I don't mean anything..."

Ryan shook his head vigorously. “No, no I won't. I mean it. I promise.” He reached out to grab Justin's hands. “You mean everything, Justin, please.” He begged. He wasn't sober and it didn't count, but the look in his eyes was so desperate and genuine. He'd never done this before, to Justin or anyone. He had never laid himself this bare. He reached up to wipe at Justin's tears.

The relief on his face that Justin had not been on a date with the mystery stranger was short-lived. Ryan barely had time to revel in it before Justin started getting down on himself. Ryan didn't know what to say, what to do to make things better. He just stood close to him, hand on Justin's cheek. He moved in to kiss him, unsure if Justin would let him.

In this kiss, he poured out every ounce of his feelings. He poured out every night where he couldn't sleep, every missed meal, he poured every ounce of his love into the kiss, trying to beg Justin to come back to him. He kept it light, not trying to get sexual, but he had a hard time keeping it from being needy. It was like tasting water after a week in the desert. He needed it like oxygen.

He pulled away after a moment, to look at him again. “Please, just let me prove it to you.”

Justin wanted to believe what Ryan was saying, but he couldn't help but doubt. If he meant so much, then how did Ryan push him away in the first place? It had seemed so easy for Ryan to just vanish from his life. What would keep it from happening again? But he looks so lost, a small voice whispered in his head.

He couldn't stop himself from leaning into the gentle touch, eyes sliding shut as he took in a ragged breath. Ryan hadn't been the only one missing the other. Every breath these past two weeks had been like sucking broken glass into his lungs. He hurt, he had been hurting, and this simple touch felt like a healing spell for his soul.

Despite his eyes being closed, he felt Ryan leaning in for the kiss; warm, booze-laced breath against his cheek before their lips touched. Justin was ready to pull away the moment the kiss went someplace he didn't want to go, but it didn't. It was sweet and loving, and Justin let himself melt into it.

Justin searched Ryan's face after his last words. He eyes were hard, looking for a sign that Ryan was simply playing with him but he found none. "One last chance," he said finally, softly. "Tomorrow morning, if you can look me in the eye and say that you want me back and you want to be exclusive, then I'll come back." He took a deep breath, "But if you can't, if you day you don't mean it, then I never want to see you again." Justin looked deeply into Ryan's eyes to show him how serious he was. It would completely break Justin apart, but if Ryan took it back, he fully intended to never see him again.

Despite the grave connotations of Justin's ultimatum, Ryan felt sure that this meant they were back together. Of course he would say it in the morning. Of course he meant it. He totally meant it. He loved him, and he knew it. He needed him. He had no idea how hard it would be for Sober Ryan to say the words, and so it did not frighten him. He nodded. “I will. I definitely will.” He promised. He reached out and put his hand on Justin's shoulder, needing the contact.

“I... really like you, Justin. I really want to be with you. I'm so sorry I was a jerk. You have every right to not talk to me again, but just give me a chance. I mean this.” He rambled, pulling the other against him. The hand on his shoulder wasn't enough contact.

“Can I stay with you tonight, Justin? Can I just.. stay here? I can't sleep without you, baby...”

It really was against his better judgement to let Ryan stay. He should send him home, let him sober up before he saw him again. That would be the sensible thing to do. But...

Justin still wasn't convinced that Ryan would say the things he promised he would. There was absolutely no guarantee that if Ryan left he'd ever come back. Justin knew that this might be the last night he'd ever spend with Ryan. This could be it for them.

He sighed softly, holding Ryan close. "Okay," he whispered. "Just to sleep. I've got pajamas that will fit you." He led Ryan into the bedroom, which was as simple and clean as the living room. "Here." He handed Ryan the pajama bottoms and began to strip down to his boxers before putting on his own pajama pants and crawling into his bed.

Justin lay on his back, trying not to think of how much he was going to be hurt tomorrow when all of this came crashing down around him.

Ryan was not sensing any of Justin's discomfort, his fear, or his dead. Instead, Ryan felt happy that he had been given this new chance, and confident that he would take it by the horns. He was glad Justin was letting him stay. He changed quickly and quietly. He didn't have a toothbrush at Justin's place, he realized, and he was a bit too drunk to think of it for more than a passing second, so he climbed into bed next to the other, still smelling like alcohol. He curled towards him, watching Justin. He loved him, so much. Drunk, he was unafraid of this fact, but he hadn't even considered the fact while sober.

Ryan Haddidtch didn't do love. He didn't do boyfriends, but there was a first time for everything, and this was going to be the first time for now. He had to go through with it. He couldn't handle never seeing Justin again. He had missed him so much that it ached. He didn't know what to do without him. It was sudden, how Ryan realized the gravity of the situation, what he feared to lose if he couldn't make himself go through with what drunk!him clearly wanted.  He started to cry as they laid there in bed.

“I can't handle the idea of never seeing you again.” He rambled, drunk and a little incoherent through his tears. “I need to be with you. I need this to work out for us, Justin. I need you.” He reached out for him, across the bed feeling too far away. He needed Justin in his arms, promising he wouldn't leave him... but it simply wasn't the time for that now. Even drunk, he knew that nothing would be accomplished until he'd sobered up, and he wanted it to happen quickly.

“I promise, Justin. I'll say it in the morning....” He whispered, then closed his eyes and tried to sleep. As exhausted as he was, from crying, worrying, and the alcohol, he fell asleep faster than he had in days, listening to the breathing from the other behind him.

Unsurprisingly, he slept sturdy, late into the morning. It was a weekend, luckily, so Justin wouldn't have work, but that didn't mean he could wait around all day for Ryan to sleep it off. He finally woke up around ten thirty, and rolled over to find Justin's side of the bed empty. For a moment, Ryan's heart dropped. Had he missed his chance? His head was pounding and he was feeling ill. Very ill. Holy—

He clamored out of the bed and into the bathroom, retching. He cleaned himself up and washed his mouth out with water before going to look for Justin. “...Justin?” He asked, walking into the kitchen. He saw the other there and softened a little.

“I... hey.” He started, he felt like a mess. His head was pounding, but he remembered everything. “I... sorry about last night. I would usually have a nice excuse but there's not really an excuse for something like that, so...” He swallowed, looking at the floor. “About, the thing. I.. yeah.” He started. “I still, you know. Fuck, this was so much easier when I was drunk and not fucking terrified. But, I've never done anything like this before. I've never—anyway. I'm rambling.” He swallowed, looking up at the blond. “I wanna try it. Us. Like, for real.” He should've said it a long time ago.

“I mean, I think it'll work. We were basically together anyway and just weren't calling it that, and I was just trying to... distance myself because it makes me really freaking vulnerable to care so much about someone, but I've always felt different with you. Even when you were tutoring me at Hogwarts and I was looking for reasons to trip you in the hallway, I was just trying to... pretend hat I didn't care when I did. And when... stuff happened... I just got scared because of how much I wanted it. And then when we met again, that same spark was right there and you'd forgiven me and.... I'm rambling again. I mean to say that I've just always liked you. I liked you for years and please don't leave.”

The tears surprised Justin, catching him off guard. He'd never seen Ryan cry like this. The only emotion he'd ever seen Ryan express so strongly was anger. He didn't let himself go, usually keeping everything close to his chest. Justin felt his chest squeeze tightly at the desperation in Ryan's voice, at the need in his out stretched hands.

The Hufflepuff reached back, gently lacing their fingers together, one hand carding through Ryan's hair soothingly. "Shhh, I'm here," he murmured, trying to calm the other boy's tears. Another stabbing pain went through his heart as Ryan made a promise before closing his eyes. He hoped that Ryan could keep it when the sun rose, for both their sakes.

Justin didn't sleep well. He lay awake most of the night, just watching Ryan as he slept. Creepy? Yeah, he knew that, but he couldn't help it. The morning might see the boy laying beside him vanish from his life forever. He wanted to have this last image of Ryan, peaceful in sleep, to hold on to. He deserved at least this. He was awake early, so he took Eliza for a morning jog. He came back and couldn't bear to go back into the bedroom, so he settled on mindless chores instead.

He was at the sink, cleaning the same dish he'd been cleaning five minutes ago when he heard Ryan stumble out of bed, retching. He took down a glass and filled it with water, reaching in the fridge to pull out a hangover potion he kept stocked for the odd times Ryan had managed to come over to his place. He set both on the table and turned to face his lover as he opened the door.

"Hey," he replied, voice soft. He fell silent, looking at Ryan as he verbally stumbled, holding his breath. Would this happen? Could Ryan say it? Then he was looking into dark brown eyes as Ryan managed to admit that he wanted to try a relationship. Justin would have been satisfied with that, would have taken him back just for that but Ryan wasn't done.

Justin's heart felt like it was going to explode from his chest as Ryan confessed to him all the things the other boy had never thought were even possible: his feelings for him at school, how much he cared for Justin, how long he'd wanted this. Silent tears streamed down his face as he looked at Ryan with an expression of pure wonder. He slowly walked up to Ryan, wrapping his arms around the other boy's waist and pressing their foreheads together. He held Ryan like he never wanted to let go. Their bodies pressed together every place Justin could get them to. He clung to his lover, no, boyfriend now. He kissed him tenderly, despite Ryan's still lingering funk.

"You smell awful," he murmured affectionately, voice thick with tears.

Ryan didn't know why he had said so much. Once he opened the emotional floodgate, everything just started to spill out and onto the floor. He sniffed a little, getting emotional,. As Justin embraced him, kissing him lightly. When he saw the tears, he worried that it might not have been good enough. Was this really the end? Was Justin really going to kick him out of his life after bearing his soul like that? Ryan deserved it, probably, but Justin had never been one to give Ryan what he deserved. He was forgiving, kind, sweet—all the things Ryan loved so much about him.

He sighed a little, and hugged him back tightly until Justin pulled away. Ryan flushed. “I.. yeah. I need a shower. And a tooth brush and—is that hangover potion for me?” He asked, reaching for it instinctively. “I could really use it....” He didn't have any clothes here. He really ought to go back to his place to shower, but he didn't want to leave. “I should.. go shower at my place, but I don't want to go.” He admitted.

“Are.. we okay?” He asked, finally. “You're not going to leave, right? Do you want to come over with me? After I get cleaned up we could go to breakfast or I can try to cook for you—in which case cereal might be the best option—but I really, really don't want to leave you. So, please come with me....” He asked. He felt so vulnerable. When would that ever stop? Justin knew so much about his feelings that he really didn't know what to do.

Justin chuckled wetly, nodding. "The potion is for you," he replied, arms still wrapped around Ryan. "I figured you could use one." He blinked when Ryan asked if they were okay, smiling softly. He sounded so uncertain, so worried. Did he think Justin would just let him leave after a confession like that?

He looked into Ryan's eyes, being honest. "I'm still upset that you just ghosted on me. That almost destroyed me." He reached up, smoothing out Ryan's bed head. "Last night, I thought you wouldn't keep your promise. I was prepared to let you go." Justin smiled, his whole face lighting up like a Christmas tree. "But you did it. You kept your promise and gave me more than I ever thought you would."

"I never want to leave you, Ryan. I want to stay, I want showers and cereal and video games and those awful scary movies you make watch." Ryan had poured out his heart, so it seemed only fair that Justin return the favor.

"After what happened between us my last year, you were always on my mind. I dated, but no one came near the feelings you gave me on that day. Nothing compared. When I saw you at the Hare that night, I was willing to just be friends but that quickly changed. Then I was willing to do anything to have you in my life. I never really wanted you to see other men, but I just wanted you so much I would take anything you wanted to give me."

Justin looked at Ryan, love written clearly on his face. "I've wanted you so badly, Ryan. I've wanted you to want me to be yours." He nuzzled into Ryan's neck. "I don't want another day without you in it. Please, Ryan, take me home." He heard Eliza bark, and he giggled. "Take us home," he corrected.

Ryan felt something stirring in his chest at Justin's confession, something that felt a lot like love. He let it go unsaid, as he embraced the other. He kissed at the side of his face, and held him tight. This was a promise. He wouldn't go back to the way things had been. This was a new chapter of his life, a new beginning. He would be with him and he wouldn't be afraid of his own emotions anymore.

“I want that, too.” He promised. “All of it. I wanna wake up with you and have a lazy day on the couch playing video games and watching terrible moves and laughing... and I want the hard stuff, the sad stuff. I want to keep going through it with you.” It had been hard to begin, but now that he had opened up it all seemed to pour right out of his mouth.

“I want you to come home with me.” He said. He paused to take the potion and grimaced as it went down, and then joined hands with Justin again. “Let me change back into my clothes and then we can go.”

He quickly put his clothes back on in the other room, and led Justin out of the apartment and into their new life. Together.