where my soul resides [antonio]

When the hot water hit her bruised back, Etain’s eyes flashed open and she slammed her hands against the shower wall. Her teeth were clenched tight, but she didn’t move, allowing herself to overcome the sensation of pain before it slowly faded into a faint buzzing in the background of all her thoughts. She had so many things racing through her mind at the moment, but no one thought was sticking out, so she was content to let the water race down her back as she leaned her head further into the downpour.  She hadn’t even bothered with washing up at this point her arms too heavy to even brush the soft cloth on her shaking body.

Her husband had come home at half past five in the morning, drenched in blood. She’d been sleeping, hand gripping her knife, and finger pressed against the ring that would heat up to take her wherever he was. Etain had put the baby to sleep like usually, preparing dinner like usual, only her husband hadn’t been there. It happened sometimes, where he’d had to work longer than he expected. She was used to it. But 1 hour turned into a few, and without any communication, turned into many hours. Etain trusted her husband to know that something would have had to happen for him to not show up like that, but she was worried. The ring that she’d crafted so painstakingly hadn’t burned with the message that he was hurt, so all she’d been able to do is wait. Nicky was home, and she had to take care of her baby. She’d tucked him in, attempted to do some work, but she’d only been distracted. Even her sleep had been uneasy, and light.

So when he’d walked into the bedroom, all blood soaked and bigger than life, she’d almost stabbed him before she’d recognized him. Then he’d grabbed her hand with the knife, thrown it across the room, and before she could check if the blood was his, she’d been pinned against the bed. Tony then proceeded to consume her, to the point where she couldn’t even think of her own name, much less his. He’d given no mercies, no matter how much she’d whimpered and pleaded, and been careful to assure her pleasure as much as he searched for his. Etain didn’t remember falling asleep, but she’d woken up, bruised and sated, so tightly twined in his arms that at first she couldn’t see where he begun, and she’d left off. He’d been so deeply asleep as she’d wiggled out of his arms easily.

When she left the bathroom, she’d oiled her body in her favourite scent and twined herself in her favourite of his old shirts, as if she was trying to get reassurance that nothing had changed, and his odd behavior could be explained. Then she’d turned towards her husband, stared into blue eyes as he laid twined like a god king in sheets stained with the blood of his enemies. Etain couldn’t help but feel a thrill at the sight of him, and even as a blush covered her cheeks, she felt her stomach clench with worry. Ignoring the splashes of red, she sat kneeling on the bed, looking at him. Head slowly tilting to the side, and her accent thick with her mother’s homeland, she began to speak.

“We’ve things to talk about, you and I. Serious things. I…would like to know what has happened. We don’t often keep secrets, but you coming home at almost dawn…stained with blood that isn’t yours? That….that gets an explanation. I don’t demand much, because you assure my happiness every day that I wake up beside you…even now, but I’m demanding at least an explanation.” And she hoped that he'd give her one. Or at least try...

How was he supposed to explain the chaotic and surprising twists and turns of the night just before? How would he help her see that he had been missing a piece of himself without in turn making her feel less than the most important part of him? Blue eyes stared up at the ceiling as the night before played out in his head. His nearly beating a man to death, an unexpected business meeting at the Devil's Den. He had walked for hours after his talk with the bone man. Trying somehow to find clarity in the scattered thoughts of his mind. The more he walked and thought the more he simply wanted to be home. But, going home meant explaining what had changed within him. He feared more than anything what would come from the talk he knew he needed to have with his wife.

He had spared no time for words when he had walked through the doors of his bedroom. He given no room for her to react before he took her. Tony lost himself in the only solace he had ever truly trusted. It was raw and it was carnal, giving way to the hidden pieces of his soul. The moments melted away as the hours passed and he hadn't even known he'd fallen asleep. The man had been so mentally and physically exhausted that he hadn't even felt her get up from the bed. He missed her warmth however and so he laid listening to the sound of her shower.

Shifting; he rose to sit up in the bed, the sheet pooling neatly around his waist. His hands rose to run over his hair and he became aware of the fact that he still had blood on his hands. Images flashed through his mind and he looked up at her for a moment and the guilt was written on his features. "I know...I..." He shifted and had to brace himself as the smell of her oils overwhelmed his senses. "Someone broke into the Pit last night." There a good start and that hadn't been as hard as he thought it might have been. He wanted to reach out to touch her but somehow now the blood on his hands would taint her. Would diminish her beauty and cast the shadow of his shameful need over her.

His gaze dropped down to stare at the ink on the back of his hand, tracing the lines of the bone he'd etched there years ago. "I slipped up...I didn't kill him....but I wanted too. I needed to." His brows came together as the realization sunk in for the second time that week. He was of a darker mindset and he wasn't sure his family could survive who he would become. "I lost it, you know. I mean really lost it. I beat this guy within an inch of his life...." His jaw clenched softly. "And I enjoyed it more than I thought I should have..." He didn't know how to explain what had been offered to him, just yet. He wanted to explain this portion of his being to her. To help her understand stand it was just something that he couldn't help while at the time convincing himself.

"I miss it..." There rested the longing he had displayed just hours ago. "...when I shouldn't." His eyes rose to capture her gaze, trying to see if she was contemplating his demise. If she was preparing to leave him alone to fade slowly back into the shadows. Tony had realized that she was the best part of him and because of her he had been better. He had stay away even if sometimes the need called out to him. "I know I said I wouldn't... I... I'm starting to think it's just who I am..."

It had been more than a year since Tony had come home blood covered and heaving. A year and 200 days, and she marked down every day like it was a landmark. If she was true to herself, she’d been waiting for this day. She’d been waiting for the break, for the time that he’d come home with a mad grin, and auror squad right outside their door, banging to come in. To know that he’d broken, and it’d been an incident so small that she didn’t have to worry about that, took some weight off her shoulders. She took a deep breath and centered herself, hearing her mother singing in Arabic in the back of her mind. Thats the place that she went to when changes overtook her world.

They were at a precipice, a beginning of a road that had two pathways. One was thin and curvy, with many hidden traps. It was hard to navigate, with many hidden pathways and doors. Etain wasn’t fond of surprises. She never had been. The other way was clear, a straight and narrow road, and her stomach lurched at the thought of it. No matter how pretty and pristine the road looked, it’d be lonely. It’d be a road without Tony, without the one person who knew her in and out. Just as she knew his darkness, he knew hers. Not even her own father or brother knew that part of her as much as he did. She made a choice, jumping off of the precipice and into the unknown, blinders on.

Climbing onto the bed, Etain slowly crawled over to Tony, ignoring the sheets that they would probably have to burn and make disappear. She sat in front of him, one leg crossed over the other, and her hand reached out to grab his. Her fingers gently traced the tattoos on the back of his hand, and she waited until he looked up at her, before she twined her fingers in his. “I’m happy you were not hurt.” Her voice was low, and accented with the familiar tones that she remembered growing up with. “You protected what was yours, like you always do.” The first thing she had to do was reassure her husband that she was there. That she wasn’t leaving.

Swallowing thickly, she traced the veins on his hand. “I think…that you must feel trapped. Not…at peace. This is why this thing over takes you…You have no release. As much as I try, there are spaces I cannot fill, and I…cannot be in the way of that. You were…like this before we married. I loved you then. I don’t love you any less now. You have given me a family, a son.” She moved closer to him, eyes wide and focused on him. On her husband, on her love. On the other half of her. The father of her son.

“The least I can do is…help. Just…let me know how.”

He'd feared this moment more then he feared most things in his life. He pictured the dark path his life would take if she left him. Of the lives he would take to mask the grief that made it hard for him to breathe. He knew he would never breathe the same if she left him. He would forget his place in the world and lose sight of all the good things she'd introduced him to. He was afraid that he would become the monster he'd fought hard not to be. Tony knew his life was about to take a drastic turn but he couldn't survive it without her. He knew that his world had shifted in a way he hadn't be prepared for and that was of his own making. What he was unclear of was the thoughts of the woman that had stolen his heart. He loved her with all he was and this fear that rested in his heart was unsettling.

He felt the bed shift under her weight and he waited for the blows that would come next. She would break him because it would be the right thing to do. It would be the best thing for their family, for the proper growth of their son. Wasn't it? His eyes searched for something, anything that would keep him grounded and then like music her voice touched the air. His breath was held and he waited for it. But what she said didn't hurt or destroy him. In truth it reassured him. He relaxed and for a moment his world was safe. Her words were reason he remembered to breathe. He looked down at their twined hands and his body visible relaxed.

He looked back up at her again, carefully considering her words before speaking. He wanted her to understand that she'd helped him more than she knew. He needed her to understand that even at his worse loving her kept him from losing himself. Their hands were lifted so her could kiss the back on hers for just a moment. "Etain...I don't want you to feel like somehow you're lacking because I'm the way I am." He shifted here to slide his free hand around her waist a bit. "You keep me grounded and I know I have this f***ed way of showing you how much you mean to me. I need you. I need your advice and your love. I need you to glare at me and say my name when you're annoyed. I need to bask in the feeling you give me when we're close. I get lost sometimes in my own needs sometimes that I forget to properly cherish you..." His head shook slightly as he said this, slightly disgusted with himself.

"You being here...still loving me despite all this.." His hand rose to brush some hair from her face but paused as he stared at the reddish tint to his hand before he pulled back to rest it on his lap. "I don't want to hide anything from you because you've always been honest with me. I love you Etain and I would give it all up in a heart beat if I could..." He had tried, had given his best and failed."

Etain paused for a moment before crawling into his lap, tucking herself against his chest. She was unmindful of the blood, seeking warmth and shelter. Her cheek rested against his chest, and she inhaled deeply, basking in his presence. When she’d been stuck in this rut, surrounded by sadness and death, Tony had been the one to pull her out. She didn’t know if he knew that. All of the things he spoke brought up the idea of a place without him, and she found herself not wanting to know that land. She would rip up her world again, not to be alone. Not to be without him.

“I used to think that…I wasn’t enough for you. Hell, sometimes recently when you would sit in the dark and just look out, as if there was something out there that beckoned, but you tried to ignore it.” Etain shifted, trying to get comfortable. “But then…you’d always come back to me. I would wake up, and I would be wrapped in your arms, and it’d be like…none of that existed.” She traced shapes on his arms, nuzzling her cheek against his chest. “I never felt…unloved. Just that there is this piece of you that I can’t heal. That was there before I was there, and the only thing that I can do….is be there.”

She stroked his hand, kissing the back of his like he kissed hers. She ignored the blood there, and just sighed. “…You’ve already tried my love…on your own. I will not ask you to hinder yourself anymore, so…we will have to find a solution. An outlet.” Her mind was racing as she ran solutions ran through her head. Then she took a deep breath. This wasn’t her path to traverse. She would walk with him, beside him, holding his hand. Following where he lead.

“…What do you want to do?”

Having her close to him eased whatever lingering worries he still had because it solidified the fact that she wasn't going anyplace. His arms wrapped around her, face burying itself in her hair, as she found her way on to his lap. This was where his soul was the most calm. Where the world made sense and living didn't seem so hard. Her words caused him to frown and for a moment he felt as if he had mistreated her in some way. He felt as if somehow along the way he had stopped showing her how much he loved her. Yes, it was a strange feeling for him but it was one he welcomed, because it reminded him that he had a soul. One in which he felt was worth saving at one point in his life.

"I'm sorry that you felt even a fraction of that." His words were muffled by the soft locks of her hair as he spoke. "I get so wrapped up in not trying to be this person that I make it seem like its this big portion of who I am." Sometimes it felt as if it was. It was hard at times for Antonio to find his way out of confusion. It was even harder trying to be this better person while trying not to fade away in the background. "And maybe it is a nice sized portion of me...but..." Here he shifted so that he could look at her, because these words he wanted to be sure she heard. "..you are the best part of me. The only part of me that matters...and I know that this whatever you want to call it makes it seem otherwise..."

His hand shifted to cup her face and he looked deep into her beautiful amber eyes. "...I wouldn't be sitting here right now if it wasn't for you...you believed that I could be this better person and you loved me despite the things I had done." He leaned to kiss her softly a smile playing on his lips. His brows came together for a moment and he took one very deep breath as if building his courage. "I've been offered an outlet of sorts..." How could he best explain what the bone man had offered? It had been the only question of the night he still wanted the answer to. "...one I honestly never saw coming.."