underneath my skin like a splinter - Ryan

Justin was an idiot. He reminded himself of this fact every day for the past week. He was an idiot. He cooked enough food for three or four people, despite living alone. He portioned out the food into containers, spelled them to keep warm, and then packed them in a carry-bag. He was an idiot. He took the bag with him to work. One portion he ate for lunch, leaving three more. He chatted with co-workers, declined their offers to go out for drinks. He was an idiot. He waited impatiently for the clock to hit five and release him. He was an idiot. He bolted for the door, bag in hand, heading for the apartment of Ryan Hadditch, of all people. He was an idiot.

It had been like this ever since Justin had run into Ryan behind the pub where he worked, found a litter of puppies and their hungry mum, and took them to Ryan's place. There, he'd gotten drunk and almost kissed Ryan Hadditch again. He had been rejected, again. When he'd gotten sober he was so embarrassed that he almost hadn't come back at all, figuring Ryan would prefer if the Hufflepuff just went and died in a hole somewhere. But Justin had plucked up his courage and gone back. Ryan hadn't even mentioned anything about his drunken flirting attempts, which Justin thought was really sweet and only made him kick himself harder. He had a thing for Ryan Hadditch. He had a thing for a boy who had clearly stated he did not want him.

But he still came, almost every day. He brought Ryan dinner and they spent time together with the puppies, eating and talking. Well, Justin talked. He was good at talking. Ryan was mostly quiet. The Puff almost thought he didn't want him there but whenever Justin showed up at his door he let him in. It was probably the food.

So it was again today. When Ryan opened the door, Justin caught his eye and smiled. Well, Justin always smiled but when he saw Ryan, his smile was bigger and brighter and warmer. He couldn't help it. He only smiled like this for the younger boy. "Hello," he said, holding the bag up. "I experimented with curry last night. It hasn't killed me yet so I figure it's alright." Still dressed for work, Justin had his robe off. He was warm. He'd practically sprinted here. "Got time for a bite before you head to the Hare?"

@Ryan Hadditch

Ryan didn't know how much longer he could take this kind of torment. Ever since the first night when they almost kissed, nothing at all had happened. Justin was coming by every night, danging himself in front of Ryan like the tastiest looking morsel but quickly being snatched away by stupid things like propriety. Ryan never got involved with people he knew, and he knew Justin. Justin was coming over every day. Ryan simply couldn't have a taste of it. He'd been thinking of his night with the other more than he ever had before, reliving it night after night to sate his newfound lust. However, it always left him wanting the real thing.

Justin was so... nice to him. Even now, even after everything that Ryan had ever done to him, Justin came over every day like clockwork to watch the puppies while Ryan was at work. He always arrived on time, he always brought him food and kept him company, and it was really great. Ryan felt almost like they had a special relationship going on, just the two of them. Sometimes he liked to pretend that it meant they had a chance together. He thought that maybe it meant they were friends. They probably were friends now, the most unlikely pair. Ryan tried his best to be nice, but found himself mostly staring at the other with a hungry look in his eye and not saying much, just in case he pounced.

He didn't even think that it might make the other think he wasn't wanted. He was wanted so much that Ryan didn't know where to begin or what to say. He focused all his attention on not fucking things up while they still needed to work together, but his reasons were beginning to run out. He was going to be late for work one day because he was going to have his tight little body right on their dining room table and remind the other what it felt like to be connected, the way they once were.

Ryan answered the door quickly when he heard Justin knock, already knowing what to expect. He grinned at the other and invited him in. Curry, huh? That sounded interesting and different. “Bring it into the kitchen, Justin. I'll get some plates.” He suggested, rummaging around in the cabinet for plates.  “You want me to make you a drink tonight, or do you want a beer? Or something fizzy?” He asked, going into the fridge to get something for himself, too.

“Tell me about work today.” Ryan asked, after he finished rummaging in the kitchen and had a chance to look the other in the eyes. “The pups missed you. They were whining this morning looking for you.”

This time with Ryan meant the world to Justin. It was the bright spot at the end of his days. There was something about the two of them eating and talking and Justin being there to see Ryan off to work. Like something special that no one else knew about; their own secret place. That was just Justin's romantic imagination running wild. Ryan wasn't for him, never would be. But, oh, the poor love-struck Puff could dream. The more time he spent with Ryan, the more he realized that his pretending there was a chance for something more was toxic. If he wanted to just be friends with Ryan, and he did, he would need to take some kind of action.

He stepped inside and was immediately mobbed by the mum dog and her pups. She was silent but the pups were yipping in excitement, bouncing around him. He knelt down to give them scratches and was knocked over by a wave of cute furry bodies. He giggled as he disappeared beneath them, holding the bag with the food aloft to keep them from trying to get into their dinner. He managed to reemerge in about a minute or so, flushed with laughter. Justin joined Ryan in the kitchen, giving the younger boy a smile. "Something fizzy? I have a ton of homework to get through tonight. I envy the students who don't have to work to pay for their schooling. Having whole days to get assignments done sounds brilliant."

Justin opened the containers containing the curry and rice, which he kept separate to keep the rice from getting soggy. "Work was pretty calm today," Justin reported. "I spent most of it reorganizing the filing system. That's me, Justin Finch-Fletchley, saving the world one miss-filed report at a time." He was joking but he felt like his time in the Muggle Liaison office was really going to help him once he started his own non-profit business. He wished his office wasn't so one-sided in its dealing with the muggle world. Once he was no longer a glorified tea trolley boy, he would mostly be performing Obliviate charms on poor muggles unlucky enough to get themselves involved in the wizarding world.

"I missed them too," he replied, holding Ryan's eyes, wishing he could just say that he had missed the other boy the most. "It's quiet at my place at night. Funny, when I shared a room with my little brother and my mum was knocking on our door every three minutes, I thought living alone would be like paradise but it's... well, it's a bit lonely." He shrugged, smiling again. "But I'm lucky to have found a place all to myself, someplace I can afford without worrying about whether a flatmate has the money for the rent."

He brought the containers of food to the table, setting them down so they could reach them. "This is just for us. I have another container with food for Jane for whenever she gets home," he told Ryan as he sat down and spooned some rice onto his plate. "Let me know what you think of the curry. It's got chicken and potatoes and onions and some other veggies in it." Justin worried that Ryan didn't eat right when he wasn't around so he tried to sneak healthy stuff in when he could. He told himself that it was because mates looked out for each other and not because he desperately wanted to be the one to take care of Ryan.

"How was the Hare last night?" he asked, smiling brightly at his friend. "Any good stories?"

Ryan was hungry for more than just curry. Justin looked so much better in person than he did in Ryan's dreams. He focused on getting the food together instead. He put the plates out on the table and  got Justin and himself both cokes from the fridge. He thought the other must be awfully busy, with work and school. Ryan thought he had it bad enough working at the hare and doing his real business on the side, but he had nothing on the work that Justin went through... yet the younger boy still managed to make time to come take care of him. It was weird, but Ryan didn't want it to stop, so he said nothing.

He listened carefully to what the other said about work, laughing a little at the appropriate moments. He was distracted a bit, looking at him. The pups had missed him, like he said, but he missed him too. He would never say it out loud, but it was still true. He found himself wandering around waiting for the other to get out of work, too. Sometimes things got lonely for him when Jane was gone on business and he had the place to himself. He knew she loved her new job, but he was a bit jealous of the time she spent away from him. When he'd moved in with her, he thought that he would be done being lonely.

“I remember it being like that when I was living alone. I hated it. At least with Jane I have someone to watch movies and get high with.” He shrugged. “Maybe that's what you need, a roommate. Because you want it, not because you need it. Of course, with Jane gone as often as she is, I'm pretty much in the same boat. You can just come over here when you're bored.” What was he saying? He seemed unable to stop himself from asking the boy to come over more often. He wanted it.

He started to plate the curry, smiling a little as the other listed off the vegetables that was in it. He was cute, trying to take care of him and make sure he was eating right. Justin was right, really. Ryan ate crap whenever he could get away with it. He was often eating chips, crisps, pizza, Chinese, and takeaway. He rarely cooked at home and the only time he ate vegetables was when they were smothered in a sauce or in a curry. Justin had really picked the right thing to make Ryan eat well and enjoy doing it. He loaded up his plate and heated it up with his wand, heating Justin's too. “You wanna sit at the table, or you wanna sit in front of the telly?” He asked. “There's a marathon of zombie movies on right now, if you like zombies.” Ryan offered. He didn't mind which Justin picked, but there was only one couch, so they'd have to sit closer together if they did.

“Actually, there was a pretty interesting guy at the Hare last night. He was upset because his wife was cheating on him... with another girl. Apparently they offered to let him join in when he caught them, and he just walked out. I mean what kind of guy turns down a threesome with two women?” He asked, then remembered his present company. “Well, you know what I mean. Guys that are into girls, anyway.”

Justin was halfway into his seat at the table when Ryan suggested the couch. He jumped upright like the chair had fangs. "Couch!" he squeaked, coughed, then tried again in a more normal tone of voice. "I mean, movies could be fun. I've never really watched any zombie movies. Always went to the cinema with the family. Scary movies aren't appropriate for my younger sister." Well, at least they weren't the last time they had all gone when she was younger. Now she was almost a woman and probably did any number of things Justin would deem inappropriate for his baby sister.

He made his way over to the couch, settling down with his plate and coke. The drink went on the side table and the plate on his lap. He tried concentrating on his food and not on how very close the two of them had to sit in order to fit together on the couch. It was, well, cozy. If he wanted to, Justin could have slid his arm around Ryan waist and put his head on the other boy's shoulder and...

The Hufflepuff mentally slapped himself. Wake up! he scolded as he tried very very hard to focus on the movie. It looked like it was the climactic battle with shotguns and grenades and blood everywhere. It wasn't really Justin's kind of thing. He liked documentaries and comedies. But even as he told himself for the millionth time that he was an idiot, he couldn't help but smile shyly as he glanced at Ryan next to him. It might be weird and counter-productive, but he wanted to be as close to Ryan as he could for as long as he could. Ryan would be off to work in a little over an hour, anyway. Anything that got the two of them settled together on the couch was a-okay in Justin's book.

Justin considered the plight of the man Ryan had talked to last night in the Hare. "I suppose," he conceded, "but I can see where he's coming from, too. I mean, it's about trust, isn't it?" He set down his fork, knowing he was about to start gesturing and not wanting to fling curry thither and yon. "Just imagine: you've vowed to spend your whole life with this one person. You promised to be true. I think it was less about the sex and more about the betrayal of trust. Maybe if she's come to him and asked for a threesome he would have been all for it but... I mean, imagine someone you love having sex with another person. Wouldn't it eat you up inside?"

Ryan considered this. He hadn't really thought it through to that level, and maybe Justin was right—save one thing. Ryan was never going to be in love with anyone. He didn't do “girlfriends,” for more reason than just the obvious. Even in school, Ryan had only “dated” a girl long enough to get into her pants. If that took more than a week or two, he was done. He didn't respect his sexual partners has human beings. They were... sex partners. People to use, abuse, and throw away at will. That's how it'd always been, and how he planned for it to stay. He'd only ever once had the desire to be something more with someone he'd slept with, and he was looking right at the culprit. He'd squished that sentiment down and pushed the other away, in the end. Like he should have done.

He hadn't expected to ever see him again, especially not like this. Regularly. He hated getting to know him, because his general liking for the other's infectiously positive attitude was beginning to mix with their magnetic attraction and create something more than the sum of it's parts. All things considered, he liked having Justin come over and eat dinner with him. It kept him company and kept him from feeling so lonely, but it was more than that, wasn't it? Justin's sunny demeanor was such a breath of fresh air for constantly-negative Ryan. There was no part of him that got annoyed by his cheerfulness or optimism or the way he gave other people chances. He looked at him for it in awe of the greatness in his personality, feeling a bit unworthy. He hadn't deserved the chances the other gave him in school, and he certainly hadn't deserved any of his company now.

The fact that Ryan liked the other so much was making the traces of his old crush come bubbling back to the surface. It wasn't entirely lust that he felt for the other. It was everything. He wanted to pound him into the mattress and eat dinner with him afterwards. And then do it again every day for the rest of his life, and that was the scariest part of all. Ryan had no idea how to confront that feeling and was certain that the only way to avoid the scary unknown was by avoiding giving in to temptation. Still, it seemed like the other was a walking porno for all Ryan knew. Every single thing he did was sexy, even the things that really shouldn't have been.

Ryan spent more time watching Justin's hand motions than listening to what he was saying, getting a little distracted. His mouth was dry and tacky, so he took s sip of his soda to alleviate it. Nerves, he supposed. He knew why he was nervous, but hoped the other didn't notice it. Justin was so close to him that their things were almost touching, and he felt like a small child for being so concerned about it.

“I guess you're right.” He said, finally. “I didn't think of it that way, but that's just because the whole thing is stupid anyway.” Very stupid. “I've never been in a relationship like that, and I never want to be. Love's for girls.” He sounded almost like he was trying to convince himself.

Justin watched as Ryan seemed to mull over things, distracted by being so close. He thought about their strange relationship. It seemed to the Hufflepuff that theirs was the most unlikely of stories. His former bully and one time lover wa now his nightly dinner date and had quickly become a good friend. Justin liked this time together. He looked forward to dinner and just hanging out until Ryan left for work. Hell, he'd stay until Ryan came home but figured that would be a little too much. If he stayed that late, the temptation to stay the night would be impossible to resist.

Besides, it wasn't like Ryan was interested. They'd been through this before. Anything Justin felt between them was all in his head. Well, anything besides friendship. He was fairly sure Ryan liked him as a friend, at least enough to put up with him in the interest of puppies and free dinners. Justinwondered if he could get away with still coming by with food even after the pups were grown. He hoped so.

Justin looked down at his curry as Ryan declared his opinions about love. "I suppose it depends," he replied, keeping his voice neutral as his heart cracked just a bit. "There's nothing wrong with being single, if it makes you happy. I mean, my da never remarried and he's happy as far as I can tell." Justin had the urge to tell Ryan that he could have love, if he wanted. He said, instead, "I want love. So far it hasn't been in the cards but I keep hoping." He gave Ryan a playful smile. "Guess that makes me a bit of a girl, then," he teased, nudging the other boy with his shoulder gently.

The next movie was starting and Justin got caught in the story. Something about a virus and mutations. It wasn't exactly clear but that didn't bother him. He set his curry aside half-finished as the movie continued. His hands were too busy gripping his pants to bother with food. Justin had used the movies as an excuse to almost cuddle on the couch but in truth scary movies terrified him. As things got more intense he unconsciously wrapped both his arms around d Ryan's closest arm, holding onto him tightly.

A sudden scream and a zombie busting through a window made Justin squeak in terror. He turned his body into Ryan's,  hiding his face in the other boy's neck like a little kid. "Tell me when it's safe," he said, his voice muffled and eyes tightly shut.

Ryan started in on his curry after that comment, but found himself looking at Justin again as the boy began talking, again, about love. Ryan knew that Justin was a romantic, they had established that on their first night together. Justin wanted to find love, happiness, the whole nonsense. Ryan hoped that he found it, sort of. He wanted the other boy to have whatever he wanted, including the perfect little match. The perfect partner could never be him, he reminded himself.

“You are a bit of a girl.” Ryan teased back, nudging Justin back in the same manner that the other did. “...but I think you'll find someone. You're likable and all that shit.” That was a compliment, the best Ryan could do. He had trouble expressing his emotions, especially when his emotions were swirling around his chest.

He let silence fall between them, then, getting into the moving and finishing up his curry at record speed. He didn't even pick out the vegetables! Fuck, Justin was a good cook. There were so many reasons that Ryan wanted to keep Justin around, and he didn't know how to express any of them. So, instead he just made a lot of moaning noises while eating, so the other knew how good it was.

He put the dish to the side when he was finished and watched Justin watch the movie nervously. Why was everything the other did absolutely adorable? Of course he'd get scared at horror films. That seemed so... like him. Ryan passed up the obvious opportunity to make a joke at the other's expense and just let Justin cling to him, smelling the other's shampoo as he got closer. He smelled good. Of course he did. To Ryan, Justin smelled like honeysuckle and chocolate cake and bacon first thing in the morning—like everything he loved. On the other hand, Ryan thought that he probably smelled like hair gel, cigarettes, and old spice, with a faint lingering smell of pot in his hair and on his clothes. Not the same, not the same at all.

Ryan slung an arm around Justin without even thinking, and held onto him until the scene was over. He  lingered before releasing him. “You're safe now.” He laughed. “Not interested in zombie movies, then, huh? Good to know. Maybe I should put on a show about kittens or something, that might be more up your ally...” He finally teased.  “But really, nothing's gonna hurt you. I'll fight 'em off.” He promised playfully.

When Justin finally turned his face up to Ryan's, it was a pretty shade of pink. He couldn't decide whether he wanted to crawl away in embarrassment or see if he could get away with crawling into Ryan's lap. He pouted a little at the teasing, his chin going up in mock defense. "Well it makes sense to be scared," he retorted playfully. "It's meant to be frightening. I can take it."

There was reason for Justin to feel so safe and secure with Ryan's arms around him. More often than not, the boy he was currently holding had hurt him, in ways both physical and emotional. But there was no denying that Justin did feel protected in this moment. This felt right. "Thanks," he murmured, looking up at Ryan through his lashes, still blushing.

Of course it wasn't meant to last. Ryan's arm dropped and Justin let out a little laugh to cover his disappointment. He was such an idiot. He leaned over across Ryan's lap to grab his plate and fork, collecting his own as well and standing up to carry them into the kitchen. "Do we have time for another movie before you need to head off to work?"

As he got into the kitchen, a thought suddenly struck him and Justin called out, "Will Jane be back by Friday night? A boy from one of my classes asked if I'd like to attend one of the special evening lectures with him. He wants to get food after, so I probably won't be back til pretty late."

“You can take it, huh?” Ryan laughed. That's what she said. “You're cowering and clinging to me, but if that's your idea of handling it....” He joked, but he really didn't mind. It felt nice to hold the other, even if just for a moment. It was so different from the way they used to be, and he couldn't help appreciating Justin for being the type to give third and fourth chances. Ryan had beat him up daily in school, and now he was protecting him from television zombies. It was strange, but kind of cool. People did change, and they were proof of that.

He thanked Justin as the boy took the plates back to the kitchen. He was so domestic. He cooked and cleaned, too. Ryan smiled at him and snuck a peek at Justin's ass while he was turned away. He looked away when he saw Justin's face from the kitchen.

Ryan didn't really know Jane's schedule anymore. She was so sporadic, always out hunting, and rarely coming back. Ryan had been getting super lonely without her.  He wasn't sure if she would be back, and was about to say it when he fully comprehended what it was that Justin was saying. He was going out with a guy?

Well, looks like Justin was on his way to find his prince charming after all. Ryan should have been happy for him, if he was a real friend, but instead found himself a little put-off. So, Justin was moving on from him already. He couldn't say he blamed him. Ryan certainly wasn't a smart choice. He bit his lip. “Hmmph.” He groaned, noncommittally. “Dunno when she's gonna be back.” He said finally, a bit snippy.

“So, tell me about your date.” He said after a moment. “You think he's cute?”

Justin heard the shift in Ryan's tone, but he wasn't sure what to make of it. It was almost as if he was upset that Justin was going out with someone. Which was silly in the extreme. He was probably just unhappy that Justin wouldn't be around to help with the pups that day or bring him dinner. It had to be that.

The dishes were a welcome distraction. Justin couldn't quite bring himself to look at Ryan as he talked. He wished he could play dumb and pretend that he hadn't been asked out but even he could see from the way his classmate acted around him that he was interested in more than friendship.

"His name is Alexander," he replied finally. "He's from Greece. We're part of the same study group. He's really nice." Justin paused, moving into the doorway and leaning on the frame. "Honestly? I don't know if he's cute." The Hufflepuff quickly added, "I mean, he's not unattractive. But..." His eyes trailed over Ryan's frame briefly and he blushed, looking down at his hands. "...It's been some time since I was really attracted to someone I was with."

The last time he had felt something strong had been with the boy he was carefully not looking at. In the brief time Justin had been his lover, he'd felt a need and hunger that he'd never felt again. He had liked all his previous boy- and girlfriends but it was nothing like the raw sexuality that came off of Ryan. To Justin, the younger boy was pure aphrodisiac. He had this glorious spicy and smokey scent that made Justin feel dizzy. It clung to him even after he left.

"I figured I could give him a chance," Justin replied with a smile and a shrug. "He was brave enough to ask and he seems nice."

Ryan thought it was weird that Justin couldn't give him a straight answer over whether or not the other boy was cute. Why would he waste his time going out with people he wasn't attracted to? Ryan could suppose that he'd done the same thing—he'd wasted a lot of time sleeping with girls, even after he knew there was no point in pretending anymore. He just did it because he wanted to be able to saw that he'd done it. He wanted the status that came with it, and the beard to hide behind. Justin wasn't in the closet. He hadn't been since school, and he was going out with another guy, so it wasn't like he was trying to go back in. What was he hiding from, then? What was the game for?

“You... don't know?” He asked, surprised. “Why would you agree to go out with a guy if you don't even like him?” He asked. “As a matter of fact, what're you doing going out with anyone you're not attracted to?” Ryan demanded. “You're just wasting their time. And yours.” He added.

Other than the girls, which Ryan could admit had been a mistake, he'd never led anyone on. He'd never gone out with someone he didn't like. Of course, he'd never gone out with anyone at all, and that was a part of it.  He had been attracted to a few guys since Justin, he'd had them and left, but it hadn't been the same. He had never felt a connection like that with anyone else, and sort of didn't want to. It was confusing, to want someone that much.

Especially someone that hadn't made another move on him in a week, and was going on a date with some other guy. Alexander.. from Greece. Whatever. Ryan wasn't going to let it bother him. He was going to be fine. Besides, he had to leave for work soon, anyway, and didn't want to carry any baggage.

"I like him,"  Justin replied, feeling a little hurt that Ryan thought spending time with him when there wasn't sex involved counted as a waste. Well, he supposed that answered several lingering questions. He moved back into the kitchen to finish the dishes to give himself time to cover up his emotions. "He's funny and kind. It's really interesting to talk to another wizard who didn't go to Hogwarts. And sex isn't everything."

He kept going, not really thinking about what he was saying, just going with his train of thought. "Besides, it's not like I've had sex since..." Justin stopped abruptly, almost swallowing his tongue as he turned a deep shade of red. He had almost mentioned the night that Ryan had forbidden him from speaking of. In the two years since he had lost his virginity to Ryan and had his heart broken, he'd never told a single soul about what had happened. Not even Ernie, who was his best mate in the whole world, knew about their tryst.

Justin was stll bright red when he emerged from the kitchen. He couldn't bring himself to look at Ryan. He had almost brought up something he shouldn't have and he felt ashamed. Not just because of the near-breach of his promise, but also because he had just admitted that he hadn't had sex since the time with Ryan. It was humiliating. Ryan had obviously moved on so why couldn't he? "Sorry," he murmured, still looking at his feet. Justin cleared his throat, finally gathering enough nerve to look at Ryan again and damn it the other boy still looked like everything he ever wanted. He gave him a small smile.

"I made a cake, too," Justin said by way of peace offering. "It's chocolate. You said that was your favorite, yeah? Would you like a piece before you have to go?"

He liked him... but he wasn't attracted to him. So... he wanted to be friends?That wasn't the same thing as a date, not at all. He wondered if Justin knew the difference between a friend and a boyfriend. Maybe he didn't know. Maybe that was good for Ryan. Sex isn't everything, the older boy said. Wasn't it? Ryan had little experience with nonsexual relationships, his last one being when he was probably thirteen or something like that. Before his first time. He knew first-hand that Justin wasn't a virginal saint. He'd had sex before. He'd felt that passion before, that pleasure, that overwhelming feeling. He wondered why it meant to little to him, and wondered if he had anything to do with it.

Meaningless, he'd called it. A mistake, he'd called it. He'd really hurt the other and he knew he had, but he had to. He wasn't ready to come out, then. Hell, he wasn't really ready to come out now, despite everything he knew. He had a feeling that Jane knew and never said anything, which he honestly didn't know how to handle. He supposed that meant that she accepted it, but acceptance didn't mean she didn't judge him for it, in some small way. He never wanted his sexuality to become a point of conflict. He'd rather lie and deny himself than deal with that.

Then, Justin mentioned that he hadn't slept with anyone since... and then he trailed off, never to give the answer that Ryan wanted to hear. Since him? Since who? Ryan found it hard to believe that Justin, as hot as he was, would go two years without sleeping with anyone for no apparent reason. Maybe Ryan had really hurt him that badly, or maybe Justin had gotten his heart broken by someone else along the way. That seemed more likely to be true.

“Since who?” Ryan asked. “One of your exes broke your heart?” He offered, a little interested and a little jealous of...nothing, really. He wanted to keep going, he wanted to ask more but it was clear that Justin didn't want to talk about it. His face was red and he wasn't catching his eyes. While the evidence seemed to point towards him as Justin's last hookup, he simply couldn't accept it until he heard the words. He couldn't assume that.

Justin changed the subject with offers of chocolate cake, and despite Ryan's irritability, it worked. He never stopped being in awe of the other. He seemed to know exactly what to say, damn him, and he was so thoughtful. There was a small part of Ryan that could imagine Justin in a cute little apron, cooking for him all day. There was another part of him that imagined him wearing only the apron. Merlin, he was so fucked. He dropped it and nodded.

“You must be a fantastic listener because I don't even remember telling you that.” He praised. “But yeah, it's my favorite. I'll take a piece..” He agreed. He stood from the couch. “D'ya need any help in there?”

Ryan was asking for an answer. He wanted Justin to finish the statement but the older boy couldn't seem to get anything out. He wasn't suppose to talk about it. He'd promised. But a part of him also wanted to tell Ryan everything: how he hadn't done anything more than kiss anyone he had been with since they had their one night together, how he had been a virgin, and how despite everything that one night still meant the world to Justin because even if it had been an illusion it had still made him feel special. These were Justin's deepest secrets and painful truths. He wished he could forget about Ryan as easily as the other boy had forgotten about him.

He was glad when Ryan didn't push, the ploy of the chocolate cake working perfectly. He smiled brightly, perking up as Ryan praised him. "It wasn't anything big," he replied, blushing in pleasure. "We were talking about Honeydukes and you mentioned that the chocolate cauldron cakes were your favorite so I just guessed from there." Justin had a pretty good memory so it wasn't too hard for him to recall details about their conversations. "A hand would be nice," he answered in the affirmative, tilting his head towards the kitchen.

Justin waited to reveal the cake from the bag until Ryan had joined him in the kitchen. He pulled out the cake, which was as picture-perfect as Justin could make it. "Ta-da!" he exclaimed, setting it down on the counter. He cut Ryan a large slice and put it on a plate, handing it to him with a fork. "I hope it's alright?" Justin flashed Ryan a little nervous smile. "It's the first time I've made this." Which wasn't strictly true. He'd tried making this cake for Ryan three times. The first time it had been too dry. The second time he thought the ganache topping was too runny. The third try had yielded the cake before them.

As he watched Ryan take a bite, Justin took a deep breath and summoned up his courage. "You," he said, quietly, looking at the other boy with a determined set to his chin. "I haven't slept with anyone since we, well, you know..." He trailed off, looking down in embarrassment. "Sorry. I know you said to never talk about it."