[skipton] back home | charlie

i always thought i wanted so much more
now i'm not too sure

january 2002

"God, Charlie," Kendrick groaned, being careful not to invoke Merlin's name in the middle of their go-to Muggle pub as he rubbed his forehead, which was beginning to ache. "This is always your fault." The two were an hour or two into their evening in the small North Yorkshire town of Skipton, which was fairly close to where Ken and Jo had bought their house and sixty miles north of Charlie's hometown of Sheffield. Kendrick put the rest of their conversation on pause for a moment to be dramatic. "First you drag me to these...normal pubs," here he ran the risk of offending a nearby regular, assuming an insult to his favorite haunt rather than a reference to Charlie's Muggle heritage, "then we start doing it up here in Yorkshire," he teased, "and I don't even like beer!" Despite his words, he took another reflexive sip of the drink in front of him. Between Edith and Charlie, his tolerance should probably have improved by now, but it was slow going at best. The acquired taste business was a little less of a lost cause, but Kendrick still tended to wash it down with snacks like the pork scratchings he popped into his mouth. "Really, the food's the only redeeming factor about this venture," he concluded, around a mouthful.

"Anyway, I still can't believe you did that Celestina Warbeck song, my mum sings the original to my dad sometimes," he gave a mock shudder, returning to their discussion of the band's latest album and upcoming tour. "I mean, it was a nice update, but you know, the resulting image of you in one of those feather boas and sparkles is really not one I needed," he deadpanned. "But please, if there's any chance to see it live I might even take a Portkey to Shacka-whatchamacallit and finally see what American wizards are like, bad tea and beer and all."

"But what were you saying earlier about Christmas?" he said hastily, remembering the topic they'd started on before they'd gotten diverted. "Who was more surprised about meeting the other, Kate or your mum?" Frankly, Kendrick thought he ought to be the most surprised. First Charlie had announced that a girl was moving in with him a few months ago, which was already unprecedented, and then he brought her home for the holidays? Kendrick hadn't met [member=25276]Kate Duenas[/member] so he had no way to judge for himself, but he wondered what kind of girl--in between the lines of what Charlie would tell him--had him so captivated. Kendrick tried not to talk about Jo to an overbearing degree, but he wondered if Charlie might start asking him about settling down, instead of him listening to stories of his previous escapades.

[member=25280]Charlie Baker[/member]

Charlie simply smiled in response to the gentle ribbing he was getting from Kendrick. He knew it was a mild inconvenience going to a Muggle establishment, but it was a lot less hassle than potentially being recognised somewhere like The Leaky Cauldron. At least, for his part, Charlie made the effort to come up North rather than have Ken come down to London for these catch-up’s. It meant staying with his parents for the night when he got too plastered, lest he repeat the mistake that allowed the two men to become friends in the first place, but he kind of liked it. London was vibrant and always awake, but sometimes it was nice to come back here and slow down a little. "Hey, could be worse, could be in Lancashire." He retorted, grinning.

"And you could've fooled me." He smirked, nodding at the other man’s beer. “Seems to be going down pretty smoothly.” Charlie took a drink from his own bitter at that, draining what was left before placing the empty vessel back on the bar. Charlie flicked his eyes to meet the barman’s, nodding and raising his hand to signal for another two drinks. While he waited, the brunette snatched some of Ken’s snacks, popping them into his mouth and chewing.

Two full pints arrived, the head just spilling over on one. Charlie grabbed the fuller of the two glasses, lifting it halfway to his mouth before pausing to laugh. "Come on, bet you loved it." He took a sip, “It was just, something fun.” He shrugged. Charlie, and the other boys in the band, had realised it was a pretty left-field choice of song when they went to record it – but the former Slytherin had an appreciation for all genres of music, and the response to the cover had been wildly positive for the most part. "Shackamaxon? It's a pretty boss little place. You should try go sometime." Charlie had only been to the American Wizarding town a couple of times, and hadn’t gotten to see much when he’d been on the road for gigs, but on his most recent visit he’d had a guided tour. “The beer is shite though.” He confirmed sombrely.

“Oh, right,” Charlie turned and walked them from the bar to slot into one of the nearby booths; they’d been so eager to get into conversation (surprisingly for Charlie) that they’d not even made it to a table yet. The brunette set his drink down and chucked his jacket on the seat beside him, fidgeting slightly to get comfortable on the well-worn bench. “Er, good question.” He began, smiling awkwardly at the memory, “Probably mum.” His smile cracked into a funny little grin, “Kate knew where we were going, I just, er... forgot to tell mum I was bringing her. Was alright in the end, mum loves her. They bloody, talk on the phone now.” He rubbed absently at his jaw, “It’s weird but it’s—it’s good, I think.”

Charlie paused to take another gulp of his drink, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand and flicking his gaze up to meet Kendrick's. “How was your Christmas? New Years?”

Kendrick threw Charlie a pretend dirty look at his insult of his home county. "If you want to rouse a traditional schoolboy quarrel," he said, launching his language into an uncharacteristically lofty realm to fit with the rather historical framing of the rivalry, "better make sure you can win it," he teased. Of the two of them, Kendrick was definitely the larger man, with a slight advantage in height and somewhat larger advantage in figure. Silverman men tended to come solidly built.

He took another sip of beer and made a face. "I'm just doing you a solid and learning to partake in your favorite hobby," he proclaimed, holding it up to the light and squinting at the amber color. "Oi--" he cut off, realizing it was too late to stop the arrival of the second glass, although he still had a decent amount left in this one. Taking a gulp instead of a sip, he shook his head. "I dunno, listening to your regular songs is one thing, even if they're about women, but listening to you crooning at me through the radio is another thing entirely. No offence, but Celestina Warbeck is eighty-four years old and she's still more attractive than you are."

Pushing the basket in Charlie's direction in the wake of his thieving hand, he nodded at Charlie's correction. "Yeah, that one. I don't think I'm gonna remember the whole thing unless I go there. Is it like Hogsmeade at all? Haven't had any beer there, so I'm afraid you can't fall back on that comparison," he clarified.

Scooping up the other beer, sipping from the top slightly so it wouldn't overflow as he carried both his glasses, gripping the snacks by his left pinky finger pressed against his palm, over to the tabletop, wishing for once, uncharacteristically for a wizard that thought he used his wand too much during the workday, that he was at liberty to levitate all of it over. Sliding in opposite Charlie, he leaned back against the plasticky surface of the booth, enjoying the multitude of expressions that were flitting over the other man's face. "Hey, it could be worse," he remarked. "I found out after I proposed that my dad was giving Jo lessons before we started dating. They go way back. Hang on," he appeared suddenly struck by a strange thought. "Do you and Kate use telephones to talk to each other?"

Kendrick shrugged. "We did Christmas over at the Callaghans' for the second year. Which, you know, is better than my family, because I find myself suddenly outnumbered since Dad and Bri are both close to Jo, but you know, not the same traditions and all that." What Kendrick really meant was that he thought his mum's cooking was better, but he couldn't tell Jo that and he didn't want to badmouth his in-laws so Kendrick was stuck keeping these thoughts to himself for the rest of his life. "New Year's was quiet this year, we stayed in with Bo. Well, I mean, "quiet,"" he said, drawing airquotes around the word, referencing the puppy. "He uh, got overexcited. Wasn't very nice for his stomach, if you know what I mean." Kendrick was still grinning. Cleaning up vomit was pretty easy for the AMRS member, and it had been a very love-filled holiday. "You went to California, right?"

Charlie chuckled lightly at Kendrick’s challenge, raising his eyebrows at the older man as he appraised his decidedly burlier figure. “You’re alright mate, I think I’d rather keep my face the way it is.” He took a sip of his beer.

“Right, thanks – really appreciate the sacrifice.” The brunette grinned, trying to ignore the jab at his proclivity for drinking, “I knew you Lancastrians were soft but I thought you’d at least drink beer. Or, you know, anything not fruity.” He shot Ken a sidelong glance, smirking as he remembered a previous ‘catch-up’ in which the ministry worker had found some incognito-looking cocktails and proceeded to get pleasantly drunk. Charlie enjoyed a good cocktail himself, but usually more along the lines of a refreshing mojito or tangy margarita – not a cosmo. The Slytherin made a mental note to buy Ken a Bacardi Breezer or a WKD for a laugh next time they were in for a big night in a Muggle bar.

“You don’t have to listen to me at all,” Charlie rolled his eyes, then laughed. He really ought to be used to these sort of comments from his friends by now. “Didn’t know you had a thing for older birds mate,” he clapped his hand on Kendrick’s shoulder and leant in to lower his voice in mock confidence, “Don’t worry – I won’t tell Jo.” He winked. Charlie took another handful of scratchings, popping them one after the other into his mouth and not waiting to finish chewing before replying, “Yeah, bigger though. They say it’s a city but..” He screwed his face up to show his disagreement, “It’s cool though, really different to anything here. It’s all underground but it doesn’t feel like it.”

The musician smiled appreciatively at Kendrick’s attempt to make the manner of the meeting of the two most important women in Charlie’s life seem a little less of a trainwreck. “Yeah, you’re right that’s definitely not as weird – what kind of lessons?” He teased, quirking an eyebrow suggestively. “Er,” Charlie paused, quickly glancing around their immediate vicinity to make sure no-one had heard Ken’s question. “Sometimes. It’s... mainly just—I have one in the flat for mum and dad to call and, Kate wanted to know how to use it so... now she calls me from payphones when she’s drunk.” A small smile played on his lips, somewhere between amusement and affection, as he turned his gaze away. He felt like he’d exposed some kind of secret and was immediately regretting it.

Charlie turned his attention back to Kendrick, raising his glass to take another sip. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand as he nodded along with Ken’s story, “Mm.” The brunette grimaced, “Delightful.” He rubbed at one eye with the heel of his palm. Charlie had never had a pet, it just wasn’t something his parents thought was ‘fair’ – to have a dog cooped up all day whilst they were at work and Charlie was at school, and even when he went to Hogwarts Charlie hadn’t wanted to jump on the bandwagon of pet ownership – he didn’t want the added responsibility of looking after another living being.

“Yeah,” Charlie nodded, “Christmas was good, surprisingly—” he started with a soft smile, then stopped somewhat abruptly, his face falling. He’d been so focused on trying to blank out New Years and not mention it around Kate (or anyone else) that he’d almost, but not quite, not really, forgotten about it. “I... bought a place out there.” He changed tack, hoping Kendrick wouldn’t notice in his current state – that current state being a few beers deep. “If you ever head out you’re welcome to stay.” Charlie offered nonchalantly, as if offering to loan someone a book, and took a large gulp of his bitter.

"You sure? I think I could improve it if I knocked your nose...this way, just a little," Kendrick declared, leaning back and turning his thumb this way and that in between them, squinting as though he was sizing up the best place for a little adjustment before dropping it with a grin. "Hey man, you gotta have enough confidence to drink the fruity stuff. Right tasty when you can get over yourself."

He shrugged. "Isn't that what friends are for? I mean, other than us who have you got in the audience at all," he teased, but made a face as he got as good as he gave. "Well, well, it's all relative," he conceded. Jo would probably just roll her eyes at Charlie if he did try to say something like that, but even if his wife knew him better he didn't want anyone insinuating he liked anyone more than her. He shook his head. "But how can it not feel like that if you can't see the sky?" He supposed it was probably enchanted, but Charlie wouldn't be able to tell him that here even if it was true.

Ken rolled his eyes. "The most comprehensive lessons, I'm sure," he emphasized, going along with it. Come to think of it, he wondered sometimes what his father had learned about his future wife in those Occlumency practices. It was a rather invasive branch of magic. On the other hand, there had been absolutely no opposition to Jo at any point in their relationship, so whatever there was, it was something he'd approved of.

He nodded as Charlie explained the telephone business, the slow pace of the apparently positive signal belying his actual lack of comprehension of this paradigm. "Seems...newfangled," he said, noting Charlie's reaction to his apparent slip and promoting the farfetched cover that he was just some old soul who lived on a farm in the middle of nowhere, like the daft man with the sheep from a few months ago in that sketchily-named Welsh town. "Newfangled, but cute," he added, his grin taking on a devilish aspect to vex the younger man. He really had never talked about a woman in this way before--the sheer affection in his voice was sign enough. "Who'd have thought I'd ever have to use the word 'cute' on you?"

"Hey, you can insult me all you want but don't give me that face about Bo," he admonished. "He's infinitely adorable and no amount of puke can change that," he said, just as if he was talking to Jon instead of Charlie, although the other man wouldn't have needed any convincing on this point. Ken's face turned as Charlie's did though, as he registered whatever realization the other man had had. He'd always been fairly in tune with other people--maybe something he'd developed so that Bri would actually confide in him. "Sounds nice," he said slowly. "But the whole holiday wasn't roses, huh?" He leaned back again, draping one arm over the top of the booth seat and taking a swallow of the first beer that he was still tackling, signaling both that he was listening and that he wasn't letting him off the hook that easy.

“Arsehole.” Charlie grinned, swatting softly at Ken’s hand.  The musician took another swig of his pint, sending a furtive glance towards the bar and the fridges that held the types of drinks Ken would much prefer to be drinking. “I’m alright mate.”

“Right, yeah. Just you and me mum cheering me on, innit?” Charlie said sarcastically, “I appreciate your unwavering support.” He closed his eyes for a second just to try and remember exactly what Shackamaxon had looked like the last time he’d been there. All he could think about was Kate, and taking her around the shops before they’d retreated to his hotel room – he’d barely looked away from her, and now he couldn’t picture it. Just her and the blurs of the American town in the background. The former Slytherin shook his head lightly, “I don’t know, it’s a bit trippy but it works somehow.”

Charlie shivered dramatically, “Christ.” He’d met Jo a couple of times, of which he’d gotten the distinct impression she wasn’t a fan. And not just of his music. “Well, rather you than me mate.” Charlie couldn’t think of anything worse than his mother getting to know Kate before he’d had a chance to.

Charlie smiled in amusement. He straddled the magical and mundane worlds better than most people he knew, and so could understand a person from one not being terribly versed in the other, but it continued to surprise him how little wizards knew about muggle technology. Magic was different – it was hidden and kept secret. Muggle technology was out there for anyone to see and learn about, and yet the vast majority of the magical population knew nothing about it. Charlie was often treated like something of an oracle of the muggle ways of life by his friends, and while he didn’t mind the little boost of superiority he got when explaining how things worked, it made him feel like he was stuck between the two much of the time.  Kate had been gracious about adapting to his predominantly muggle way of life; television, phone, microwave, and electricity throughout the apartment. She’d never asked him why he didn’t use magic more often and he had a feeling she’d figured it out on her own. He smiled fondly. “Yeah, wait until you see a mobile phone.” At Ken’s next words Charlie’s expression shifted to one of mild embarrassment. “Oh piss off,” he rolled his eyes, his cheeks flushing pink and betraying him.

“Sounds pretty grim if you ask me.” Charlie didn’t really want to ask for details about what exactly Ken had spent his holidays cleaning up. He had a vague idea and that was more than sufficient.

“Er,” Charlie paused, wetting his lips as he tried to decide if he wanted to delve into it. Realistically he figured Ken wouldn’t let him off that easy, and a small part of Charlie wouldn’t want him to. He couldn’t talk to anyone about it really, and though he didn’t want to highlight how much of a dickhead he’d been, Ken was probably the only person Charlie could talk it over with. Liam was single on-and-off, Sam was loved up with his long-term girlfriend and cared for Kate like a brother, and the other friends Charlie had – well he hadn’t seen Robin until recently and it didn’t feel like the type of casual chat he could bring up with the older man. “No, not really.” Charlie sighed, “It was all over the shot.”

“I—after the thing with that fan,” he started, referring to Layla Fitzroy, the only woman Charlie had ever been genuinely terrified of, “everything got a bit… off for a while. We were back in a good place after I took her home, to meet mum and dad.” He took a sip of his beer, “When we got to California it was all fine. Christmas was good, I just—I don’t know what’s come over me to be honest.” He wasn’t intentionally avoiding Ken’s gaze, but the brunette was staring off into the distance as he tried to muddle his way through the past year or so, but especially through the last few weeks. “I bought the place in San Diego so when we go visit her family we don’t have to stay with them because I just – there’s babies popping out left and right and she’s got more cousins than I can count and I like me space.”

“I’ve never—this is the first time I’ve thought about things like that.” He ran his hand through his hair and scratched at the back of his neck distractedly, “And I just—it was New Year’s Eve and we’d had a lot of tequila and.” Charlie inhaled, “I don’t know,” he released the exhale, flicking his gaze to Ken briefly before preoccupying himself with a spare coaster on the table. “The next day we were making breakfast and she said I proposed to her.” His eyes hesitantly looked up to meet the other man’s again, “I didn’t remember. So, we fought. It—just went to shit.” He sighed again, “I—I might’ve said it, I don’t know. But it’s just, fast. We only moved in together in summer and now it’s all fucked.”

"Aww, what an inventive retort," Kendrick smirked. "Come on, Charlie, prove you're a real man," he said with a wicked grin, following his glance to the more colorful libations in the bar. "What would I have to wager to get you to drink one tonight?"

He was quiet for a bit, shrugging and grinning indulgently alternately as topics rolled to their conclusions, like ripples that blossomed and faded to give way to the next ones. "Mobile? Does it hang from the ceiling and spin, or does it run around on little legs?" He joked. The funny thing about the second one was that it wasn't a totally unheard of idea. He'd seen one of his colleagues from Arthur's old office wrestling with a luggage that had sprouted legs, like a millipede, a couple years back. Apparently it had given him a nasty bite that had kept him in Mungo's for a week or two until Bri's colleagues could figure out how to undo the enchantment.

Kendrick tilted his head to the right as Charlie struggled with his words. He leaned forward, crossed arms propped up against the table, waiting for the other man to spit it out. His face turned grim as Charles's crazy stalker fan came up. Kendrick had wondered how that episode would linger. Although it had seemed settled in some ways, what she had done had been so psychologically insidious that it couldn't help but hang around, like a poltergeist that refused to vacate. Charlie's gaze was far off; the former Gryffindor wondered whether his friend had really taken time to adequately process everything that had been happening to him. Knowing Charlie, he'd probably buried himself in drink, or worse, women, instead.

He let out a stifled laugh at Charlie's description of Kate's family, but quickly stopped when he realized what the implications were. It was one thing to make fun of Charlie for acting skittish about the idea of things that most normal people wanted eventually, but it was another to see him wrestle with what it would meant to embrace them given that aversion. He raised his eyebrows briefly as Charlie searched out his eyes, then dropped his gaze to the same object as the other man, until--'she said I proposed to her.' Kendrick's head snapped upwards, eyes widening involuntarily in shock. With any other person, the idea that he'd bought property near her family would have been serious enough, but Charlie had too much money for Ken to be fazed by it. Conversely, with any other person, the idea of a proposal wouldn't be as shocking, not with the apparent degree of commitment the other man was making, timeline or no. They'd only moved in in summer? He'd seen worse.

"So…is this about what you want or what you think should happen, then?" he asked carefully, his back hitting the booth cushion again as he raised an eyebrow, looking down at the drink he was swishing around before back up to his friend. "And what about her?"

Charlie smiled despite himself, taking another sip of his manly beer before replying. “You want me to drink one of those things? At a pub? With you?” He sounded less enthused as he went on. “Mate, do you want us to look like we’re on a date?” He laughed. “Alright, if you won't let it go...” he looked around idly, trying to think of what they could bet on other than money. Charlie disliked taking it from his friends; he knew he was considerably better off than many of them thanks to Banshee’s success and it just felt wrong. “Hmm,” he licked his lips, “finish that,” he nodded at Ken’s fresh pint, “then you’ve gotta down something a bit stronger and I’ll have one of your bloody fruity things. Fair trade?”

“Hilarious.” He grinned, rolling his eyes. “No it just, doesn’t need to be plugged into your house.” He sighed dramatically, as if exasperated, “I don’t know why I even bother trying to enlighten you sometimes.” A small smirk tugged at the corner of his lips as he brought his drink up again for another sip.

Charlie wasn’t oblivious to Kendrick’s change in body language; the older man leaned in, the better to listen as Charlie worked his way through the story. Or the bare bones of it, at least. He barely registered Ken’s snigger; too worried about his friend’s reaction the rest of the tale to indulge in banter at this point. He didn’t miss the look Ken gave him when the truth finally tumbled from his lips, however. He felt his cheeks flush a little under Ken’s intense gaze. Just to have something to do, Charlie lifted his pint glass to his lips again and drunk deeply. He set the almost empty glass back on the table, his hand still wrapped loosely around it like a sort of safety blanket.

The musician looked at the man across from him, a sort of blank little stare as he thought through what was being asked of him. “I.” He started, then paused. As he tended to do -- try to rush into an answer then backtrack and formulate a plan. “I don’t know. I... know what should happen, I think.” He looked down at the table a little glumly. “She was devastated. I really—” he frowned at himself, “I said. I said I wasn’t ready and I took it back. What sort of dickhead does that?” He asked Ken rhetorically, though if history was anything to go by he might expect an unwelcome answer anyway. “I tried to... make it up to her but. How do you make that right?” He kept going, finally able to verbalise all the thoughts he’d been keeping bottled up, unable to discuss with anyone else. “I should... ask her again. But I don’t think I’m ready yet, and I don’t want her to think I’m just... saying it for the sake of it. Like, to make her happy at my own expense, because that's not. I don't feel like that.” He sighed, fiddling with the coaster again. “I want her to know I mean it.”

“How did you know?” His eyes finally flicked back up to Ken’s. “That Jo was... right?”

"Yep," Kendrick repeated multiple times, his grin getting wider as Charlie's started to dissipate. "Definitely," he said at last, with a wink. "It's 2002, gotta give these old geezers something to think about." Charlie's terms were met with a dubious look. "Really, that's it? After all that complaining? Eaaaasy deal." If Charlie thought he was going to get overconfident and rush it though, he had another think coming. Kendrick was going to take his time with this one.

"Oh, forgive me for not seeing how obvious it is," he grinned. "I should have known, I plug everything else into my house, you know, like my self-esteem and my sense of humor. Sometimes I forget to unplug it before I come out," he said matter-of-factly, taking a long, slow sip from his drink to mirror the younger man's.

Kendrick watched Charlie's reaction intently, sighing a little at how blindsided he seemed, like he hadn't really worked through how he thought about it. What would Charlie do if he wasn't around to ask him these things? What were the rest of the members of Banshee for, decoration? They were all young guys too, and the tabloids said at least one of them had things a little more together than the one he happened to be friends with. Charlie stumbled through his answer, but the words themselves weren't really as important to Ken as the way he said them. He set his beer far aside as Charlie asked him how he had known, furrowing his brow.

It had been so much simpler for him, in some ways, Kendrick thought. He and Jo had been friends since he was fourteen years old. He'd never been serious with anyone else--well, maybe Charlie hadn't either, but Kendrick hadn't been unserious with as many people--but the war had been such a make or break situation. As involved as both of them had been, with the Order, the war had made a clean stripping away of what was not important from what was vital. Kendrick still remembered that day he'd found Billie, when he'd thought he might be in terrible danger; about the way he'd thought about her, and how he never wanted to wake up without her. Perhaps that was what perplexed him about the way Charlie was answering. There was something to be said about their personality differences, but it had just been so clear.

"If I say 'I just knew' will you be disappointed?" he asked, his laugh a little cheeky but not too much, given Charlie's mood. "I don't really mean to be too flippant, but...I mean, marriage isn't exactly something you do if you aren't sure. I knew because I like who I am with her better than I am without her. Because every incarnation of my life I imagined had her in it. Because the kind of trust and partnership we have is once in a lifetime." He chewed on his lip slightly. "You should know that, Charlie. You're still talking about how things should be. You have to want it for you." He spun around his glass for a few moments. "For what it's worth, there probably aren't a lot of girls who'd still be there for you to ask them again after that."

"Christ." Charlie rolled his eyes and grinned. That was the problem with Ken - his moods were infectious. It was a good thing really, better to be happy and enjoying himself than be a miserable bastard all the time. "Yes, that's it. Call me a fool for having nothing better to bet with." He smiled and hoped the older man took his meaning. "You order it and I'll drink it." He paused, dramatically mulling over what Kendrick's punishment should be - Charlie was torn between choosing something for its strength, or for its taste. He was tossing up between a shot of sambuca and a pint of Guinness, at current.

"Ha bloody ha." Charlie deadpanned, grinning after a moment despite himself. "Was wondering why your jokes were so dry tonight." He smirked.

Charlie gazed at Ken in anxious anticipation. He both did and didn't want the answer. The musician wanted to know if what he felt about Kate was the real deal, and if the tiny bubbles of doubt were normal. He hoped they were. He wanted this, he thought. It seemed kind of moronic or foolish to not have at least some sort of hesitation about a decision this big. But if that wasn't normal - if he should feel totally at ease with the idea of marrying Kate, no qualms at all, then that would give him even more cause for concern.

Charlie offered Ken a weak smile. "Yeah, kinda." His lips twisted up at one end briefly, then his face fell serious as Ken continued. "Yeah, I know, that's--" he chewed on his lip, his eyes lighting up a little in relief, "That's what I mean, I -- I don't want to be without her. I'm better with her around but," he frowned, more at himself than at Ken, "but I keep doing stupid shit to hurt her." He ran his hand over his jaw, "I don't mean to, i never want to upset her. I don't know what happens." He trailed off, looking longingly towards the bar.

"I know." he turned back to face Ken. "She deserves better."

Kendrick grinned from ear to ear, unable to keep a straight face. "What's more embarrassing, sex on the beach or a raspberry cosmo?" he asked as he took another sip of his drink. He was looking forward to making Charlie do this; he just had to drink slowly enough to make it through the rest of their conversation.

"Hey now, I brought the sense of humor, I just left the self-esteem. I have so much that it's a pain to carry around sometimes, you know?"

Kendrick watched Charlie's face as he reacted to the different parts of what he'd said. It looked as if the younger man was searching for confirmation, trying to map his feelings to some blueprint that he wanted Kendrick to lay out for him. Kendrick thought that his marriage was pretty amazing, but he also knew that Charlie's would look different. There was nothing like him and Jo, and he didn't mean that in some misguided sense of superiority. "There's no checklist, you know," he said gently. "You're not going to suddenly get a sign from the heavens that," Kendrick deepened his voice in a mockery of grandeur, "you passed the test and now you may proceed." He spread his hands to punctuate it and chuckled briefly. 

Kendrick set his glass down and twisted his wedding ring on his finger. He had never been much for jewelry, other than his watch which hardly counted, but he felt naked without it now, after two and a half years. He didn't have to wear it; no one would know if he didn't, sometimes. But that wasn't the point, and maybe that was the point. "It's a choice you have to make," he said finally, releasing his ring and looking back up at his friend. Taking a swallow, his question took on a serious tone. "Why do you make it sound like the things you do to hurt her are inevitable?"

Charlie rolled his eyes, “Well you’re the one ordering it mate, so pick what you want.” He tried to hide his grin and failed, “Just remember I get to order yours.” He smirked, already contemplating the possibility of ordering an Irish Car Bomb – would that be frowned upon in a rural Yorkshire pub? It’d probably be worth it.

Charlie smiled in response and lifted his glass to drink deeply. “I’ll bet.”

The musician let out a weak chuckle, appreciating Kendrick’s attempt to lighten the mood somewhat. Even if it only served to make his stomach twist in more knots. Charlie watched the man across from him finger his wedding band absently, and found himself looking down at his own hand, trying to picture a flash of metal there. It didn’t scare him as much as it once had. Perhaps ‘scare’ was the wrong word, anyway. Intimidated. But then, he’d never been with someone who brought him so much calm before. So much happiness. He really was content with Kate, so why was he hesitating?

Charlie looked up at Ken, “Because it seems like they are.” He said morosely. He frowned and dropped his gaze, unsure how to articulate himself without sounding like every other arsehole that had cheated on his girlfriend and was trying to make excuses. “I don’t do it on purpose. It just, happens.” He glanced back at the older man, “If I could take it all back I would. But I can’t.” He finished in a quiet voice, evidently uncomfortable by the more guarded body language he’d adopted as his shoulders hunched forward and arms folded in front of his chest. “It’s like I just, switch off. Forget, you know? Which is stupid because… I don’t know how I could ever forget her.”

He swallowed softly, staring at the tabletop with a faraway look in his eyes. “Am I just thinking about it because I’m being selfish? Because I don’t wanna lose her to someone better?”

Ken squinted at nothing in particular for a bit, trying to use his imagination. "I guess a martini glass is still a little too refined, pink or no," he decided. He was about halfway through his pint now, trying to remind himself not to let the prank-motivated schoolboy anticipation to force him into an uncomfortable evening.

Truth be told, the more they talked about it, the more Ken found his friend's behavior baffling. Kendrick could sort of abstractly see the appeal of sleeping with loads of different girls--he remembered what trying to get dates with girls as a teenager was like--and Charlie certainly had more opportunity than most people. But the contradiction between the way he was barrelling toward increased commitment and his apparent inability to be faithful just left him scratching his head. He flattened his lips; was he doing anything on purpose? "Well, mate, maybe trying to do the opposite thing on purpose might help," he shrugged. "The whole choice thing isn't just about marriage. Things probably feel more inevitable if you're not trying to direct the flow..." he trailed off. 

He felt bad; Charlie was being fairly open with him for once and he had a feeling that the whole tough love thing was the kind of beating up Charlie gave himself when he really thought about it. It was hard to be understanding when he didn't really understand, though. He pushed back a little. "Charlie, you know that marriage doesn't mean you can't lose someone, right? Your problems would still be there even if you were married. If I stopped treating Jo right you can bet she'd leave my ass the way I deserved." A wedding wasn't game over: it was just the start of the hard, real part. "Listen, Charlie, if you really don't want to lose her...I'd be focusing on how you're treating her, not whether or not you should marry her," he said decisively. "She's not going to leave you because you haven't married her yet--at least, not this early--but fidelity..."

"Well, to be perfectly honest I’m not sure old mate behind the bar has any martini glasses. You’re in rural Yorkshire, not central London.” He grinned.

Charlie’s brow furrowed at he looked at Kendrick; he wasn’t sure what the older man was suggesting. “The opposite thing?” The musician tried to work through what his friend was trying to say, but he felt like he might have arrived at a different destination to what Ken had intended. “You’ve lost me,” he admitted, before bringing his glass up to his lips and taking a drink, thinking how best to word what he had to say. “I don’t know what happens when I… I don’t know how to explain it.” He chewed his lip, then took another sip of his beer – perhaps he didn’t want to explain himself to Kendrick, after all.

“I… yeah, I know.” Charlie did know, deep down of course, that putting a ring on Kate’s finger didn’t mean she couldn’t still leave him; but it certainly would make it harder for her to want to. He knew it was what she wanted from him. Expected from him. If they were married she might forgive him his indiscretions more easily, because she would always be his wife, the one he came home to. But that wasn’t enough, and he knew that too. It was a shitty, selfish reason to want to marry her. It wasn’t the only reason, either, but it bothered him that he even thought about that being one of the pros. It shouldn’t even be a consideration.

Charlie nodded softly, his gaze had fallen to the table again as he sat slouched, arms crossed, fingering at the grain in the wooden table top. “Yeah, you’re right.” He swallowed. “I just… thought it might help, I don’t know.”

Kendrick eyed the bartender. "I could make him think he has martini glasses," he said, quirking his eyebrow as though he really would pull a transfiguration/confundus combo on the old guy. "Then you'd be stuck with it." He laughed. Ken wasn't one to break the law for such a stupid reason, given his employer. It was almost a shame--he'd had much more leeway to pull tricks like that when he was back in school.

"My bad," he said, realizing that the logic wasn't as clear as it sounded in his head. "I just meant, if you're, you know," Kendrick didn't want to have to say the word cheating--it was such a loaded, accusatory word for a friend--"if you're not hurting her on purpose, then maybe you should focus on doing things that will keep you from hurting her. If you don't really have a plan to avoid it..." staying away from girls when drinking alone, for instance, "it'll be a lot easier for it to," he sketched quotes in the air, "just happen."

Charlie's nerves seemed to have increased significantly since the beginning of the conversation; he was tightening up, being less forthcoming. Ken rubbed his chin a little. "It might," he said gently, "but only if you decide that it will, you know what I mean? If it makes you more committed, then it will." The opposite hung in the air: if it didn't change the way he thought about it, then it wouldn't make any difference. He leaned back, eyeing Charlie's morose face. It was probably as far as they were gonna get today. "Just think about it," he said finally, then added, "oi, don't look so morose. Nothing has to happen today." He grinned. "Let me cheer you up," he teased, and downed the last quarter glass in one go after raising it in a toast towards his friend. "Ready to see who looks dumber?" he grinned, jerking his head in the direction of the bar.