it was not death for i stood up | andronicus

Eleanora had expected—hoped, rather—that the return of her younger siblings from Hogwarts would somehow magically distract her parents from attempting to pry so deeply into her personal feelings. It had worn her down, both emotionally and physically, the way they sat at dinner day in and day out hovering over every word she spoke as they attempted to gain insight on the nature of her therapy sessions.

Eleanora did not respond well to being probed, reliving the memories to share with her therapist was one thing but sitting at the dinner table discussing the way her past had taken a toll on her present did nothing but stunt her progress. However even with Andronicus and Morgana back from school, the questions did not stop and now with two more people added to the judging panel, Eleanora was finding it increasingly impossible to cope.

She could no longer stand it, the way her mother went on and on about why she was being forced to return to Hogwarts. The woman’s argument had lost its train of logic several minutes ago, resorting to her position of power and later to some other nonsensical excuse. Eleanora had already yelled at her mother in anger, a resounding “Would you please just leave me alone!” that echoed in the walls of the family home but it had done little to dissuade her. Even her father had found a reason to disappear from the room; Eleanora rarely resorted to these sorts of things unless she had reached her wit’s end.

However she drew the line when her mother begin to speak of River, and the sound of his name was enough to make her stand up and walk away before she said something that she would regret. Eleanora had not even heard what her mother had said about her boyfriend nor did she want to, her ears felt numb, her hearing lost every time someone brought him up so casually. She could feel the telltale sign of tears from the knot forming in her throat.

The young witch reached the top of the stairs without one look back; Eleanora was not in the mood to apologize and would refuse to do so even if she was forced. Rather, she made the slow journey down the hall to her room where she would feel safest. Eleanora stopped as soon as she passed her brother’s room, once she had finally reached the playroom that separated their two universes that had grown so separated. And for a moment she considered that she actually did need to talk to someone, even if just for a few moments to calm down. Eleanora backtracked to her brother’s room, and with a resolute sigh knocked on the door before letting herself in. “Andy,” she called out to him, continuing with a “Snorkack” that was muttered softly before taking a set on the floor closest to the door. In this way, Eleanora could control the length of the conversation and if he reacted like her mother did, then she could just as easily walk away.

Snorkack had been a word they had used as children, a word that created a safe space in which they could speak free of judgment, even after the worst of arguments. It had been the only way she had been able to speak with Andy after his beliefs had swayed, after he had found solace with Cousin Genevieve. Andy had changed since the last time she had seen him but she was unsure of just how much.

“Be honest with me,” she started slowly, unsure if that was what she wanted, "Do you honestly think that I'm making a big deal about... his death? Would you have gotten over it, you think? If one of your closest friends...say," she paused for a moment, "Jacq, if she had died during the dome, would you have gone back? Because I'm tired of feeling as if I'm crying over spilled milk, Andy," she continued, feeling a little embarrassed as tears welled in her eyes, "And mum acts as if I've no reason to feel what I feel. It happened, didn't it? I lost him and he's never coming back."

@Andronicus Octavian Lovecraft

Being home was weird. It was like he was walking around in this house that reminded him of things he loved growing up but everything was off It was all so different now, or was everything exactly the same as it always had been but he was the one who had changed? It was hard to say. He felt like he didn't belong here anymore. He felt like he was sitting in someone else's chair during dinners. Listening to someone else's family argue over expensive cuts of meat, delicately cooked potatoes, and a silly amount of garnishing. He pushed the food on his plate around as the conversation took a turn. When Eleanora got up from the table he watched her walk away like he was watching a stranger leave the room. The rest of dinner, all two minutes of it before their mother in a huff had the table cleared, was tense. Andronicus avoided his mother's glance as he too retired to his bedroom and checked another day off of the calendar counting down the return to Hogwarts.

Plopping down on his bed the teenager kicked off his shoes and let them fall loudly to the floor before pulling out a magazine and turning it side ways to really see the beautiful model on the glossy magically moving pages. Wasting time staring at something he could never have the teenage boy easily became distracted enough to be startled by a knock on the door. Hastily he tucked the magazine showing the latest models of Quidditch brooms under his mattress and rolled onto his side just as Eleanora entered the room. He tried to act casual with one hand propping his head up as he watched her take a seat on the floor. "Snorkack." He whispered back to her as he dramatically slid from the bed to sit on the floor with her, eye level with the contraband magazine still half sticking out from under his mattress he leaned up against the side of the bed and listened to her words.

They used to be close, like really close, but everything had shifted in the past few years. There was a war and so many voices whispering in his ears and then the dome and then River and honestly Andronicus had no idea how they were supposed to get back to where they had been. The fact that she even had the will to still yell at their mother for her constant nagging impressed the young wizard. Eleanora had always been the strongest person he knew, he had just lost sight of that for a little while. Toying with a snag on the seam of his sweater he had no idea how to answer her questions. He couldn't help but look away as she spoke about River but his gaze shot up as she mentioned Jacq, some small part of him wondering if she knew how he felt. Self involved like a typical teenager he retraced her words and realized she had said 'friend' and relaxed a little before returning to the conversation. He wanted to be here for her, wanted to help her, if he could just figure out how.

"Honestly... I don't think anyone ever really gets over something like that... I mean how could you?" He knew he wouldn't, not if it was Jacq, and he didn't expect Eleanora to either. It was silly to think she could just close that chapter and move on with her life. That wasn't how people were built. "We both know she is just full of crap." He said in a lower voice in case their mother was using any listening charms again. The woman had very little boundaries or respect for privacy. "Don't listen to her." Andronicus gave her a little smirk as he looked away, preparing to say what he was thinking next. "She is right though...." It probably wasn't what his sister wanted to hear but their mother did have one singular point. He turned back to her quickly, putting his finger up asking for a pause to finish the thought before Eleanora got the wrong impression. They were under snorkack laws so she was bound to listen, but his grace was limited. "You should come back to school --or at the very least find something else to do because staying here another term can not be healthy. She'll drive you insane." He smiled again, hoping she was listening to what he was saying. "It sucks I know, its shit that he's gone, but you're still alive...."

"Maybe it's time you start acting like it?"

“I know,” she replied with a soft sigh, her shoulders slumping as she willed herself to relax a little for the first time that night. It was somewhat comforting to hear those words; everyone else had resorted to trying to put themselves in their situation. They would sit there and look upon her with pity in their eyes and with a smile riddled with bitterness before saying a few words of condolences that they didn’t mean, but thought she wanted to hear.

Eleanora did not desire pity. Unlike what her actions might have alluded to, she did not wallow in her own misery because she longed for attention or because she wanted to be difficult. Eleanora did not want to bother her own family with her troubles but she needed them to be acknowledged. The young witch needed others to realize that she was not crying over the loss of a family pet or a boyfriend, she was now physically devoid of an actual human being, one of the very few people that she had loved and trusted with all of her heart.

Nevertheless Andy’s words spoke true. Their mother was indeed full of crap and had a difficult time understanding the emotional needs of others. For as long as the witch could remember, her mother had not made the road to building a strong relationship easy for her. Eleanora simply wanted her mother to listen but then again, it had occurred to her that maybe she had been telling the same story for too long. It was only a fleeting thought, however, before she became overwhelmed by the pang of emptiness deep within her chest. “Well mum’s not exactly making it easy for me,” she retorted softly, drawing her knees closer to her chest and resting her chin on her legs.

The next comment, however, made the tell-tale signs of her resistance reemerge as she looked up at her brother from her position on the floor with a look of misunderstanding. “What--?” she started, unsure of how she could make her point without sounding selfish. Eleanora needed his support and here he was turning on her. But he silenced her and she waited for him to continue, unsure if she would storm out of the room or leave in tears by the end of it.

However, Eleanora understood that simply leaving was not an option; no matter how much she wanted to before he said something that scarred her too deeply. Even though it appeared to be a simple game of childishness, Snorkack, had become a sacred word, one whose connotations she could not simply ignore. And so she sat there, quietly as she took measured breaths, reminding herself to simply breathe, to simply focus on the next ten minutes. It had been a habit that her therapist had encouraged. If she could focus on the next ten minutes of her life then by the end of that time, she could give herself another ten. Eleanora knew that she could eventually recover but she was not ready to take the steps that would be immediately visible for others.

It was why she felt that Hogwarts was too soon. “I don’t want to go back, Andy,” she declared after a few moments pause. “I’m not trying to be difficult, I just…I have too many reminders of him here and there, I wouldn’t even be able to escape it. Thinking about returning to that Common Room and those hallways give me nightmares,” she continued. “Mum already drives me crazy,” she said after a shaky breath, impressed by her own ability to smile just then even if for a few seconds.

“Yeah, I guess,” she said defeated by his statement. What made things worse was not that he had said those things, he was not the first person to suggest it and she was sure that she was not going to be the last person. Rather, it was the fact that she herself did not really know what she wanted to hear from Andy. What could he tell her that would make her feel better? He had listened to her story countless times before, how would telling him again make for a different response? Eleanora did the thing she had learned to do best over the summer; she forced the thoughts deep within her, biting her lip as she came to the realization that Andy could not help her.

There was a long pause, the silence between them a little too long before she forced herself to her feet resolved to leave the room. But as she stood to her feet she paused, turning back to look at the magazine from under the mattress with suspicion in her eyes. “Andy, what are you hiding there?” she asked suddenly, walking over to him to attempt to pull the magazine from under the mattress, her mind suddenly pushing the negative thoughts out of her mind even if just for a moment. The magazine slipped halfway from her hand, revealing the contents of the pages suddenly. Eleanora could not help at that very moment to burst out in laughter. “Oh my, Jacq’s going to love this,” she teased quietly.

Letting Eleanora down was one thing Andronicus was so scared of doing. He wanted to be there for her like she'd always been for him, even (and especially when) he hadn't wanted her to be. She never gave up on him and he would do the same for her. It was clear she was struggling still, despite the strong face she tried to put on for the world, and Andy felt honored that she had begun to talk to him about it. He couldn't really remember they last time they had talked. Really talked. It was like they had been living in two worlds separated by the playroom they used to share as children. He chewed on the inside of his lip as she began to respond to what he had been saying and he could tell it wasn't what she wanted to her. He wished he had the answer for her, wished he was better at motivational speeches or making her forget all of her problems but he wasn't. Not when it was personal, not when it was real. Andronicus could talk his way out of a copper cauldron with charm and wit but he couldn't find a way to make his big sister feel better.

It was a shame.

Thankfully she seemed to move on, but that just made Andy feel like he had let her down even more. Like she had just put him in the "doesn't understand-doesn't care-can't help" category and that was the last time she'd ask for his opinion. He watched, mouth parted trying to find something to say, as she stood from where she was sitting on the floor of his room. She was leaving and he'd ruined everything with his stupid words and this sucked. And then everything changed. "Wait, no!" He yelped, diving for the magazine but she got to it first and like magic he'd suddenly forgot about all of the heaviness he felt in his chest. It was quickly replaced by a knot churning up in his stomach as she brought up Jacq. "Why did she tell you something?" He asked, before promptly mentally smacking himself upside the head. {i]real cool[/i] he thought as he sighed and ran his hand through his full bodied and well taken care of brown hair.

He leaned back up against the side of his bed casually and let his head fall back so he could stare absently up at the painted ceiling. "If you don't come back this year you won't get to see me humiliate myself some more...." He said with part playfulness and part self pity. "I don't think she thought it was a date... the dance I mean..." Now he needed his sister's advice. He so badly needed it.

Andy had always been the dependable sort, even if he didn’t always have the answers. But in these like these when Eleanora also did not have the answers to her own problems, it was nice to have someone listen. It was enough to make her feel better even if only temporarily. It certainly wasn’t a topic she wanted to dwell on though, she’d bring his mood down as well if she did.

Eleanora smiled a little at his question, “Maybe she has,” she shrugged in response. She had not spoken to Jacqueline in some time either but that didn’t’ stop her from teasing her younger brother. The witch was glad that things were slowly returning to normal between them, even if it meant that she would have to let her guard down a little more to let him in. She wasn’t sure so far she was willing to do that just yet but rather than focus on the future, it felt more comfortable to take it one day at a time. Either way, she was more than happy to engage in this sort of conversation rather than her mixed feelings about returning to school. She would do it, she knew that no matter how angry she got or how much she pouted, there was little that could be done there.

But at least she could still have this. Fun moments, small things, memories with her little brother that would remind her to smile every once in a while because everything really wasn’t that bad.

“Anyway, why are you so caught up on Jacq?” she asked, even if the expression on his face had made it more than obvious. “I’m not going to sit there and let you get humiliated, no matter how much I might enjoy it,” she teased lightly. She would do anything for Andy, and if there was something like a bully that was picking on him she would get to the bottom of it as soon as they got to Hogwarts. Eleanora moved to sit down on the end of the bed, watching him suspiciously as he spoke, before a sort of realization almost hit her and she opened her mouth just a little in mock disbelief, smacking his leg playfully. So it wasn’t a bully, after all, that was a relief. But, this was certainly much more interesting, “What date? What dance? Why didn’t you tell me any of this?” she asked in quick succession.