instead of myself; { p h i l l i p }

Phillip had really been enjoying apparating so far this summer. When he'd taken the test back at school he hadn't realized the full potential of it, but he was starting to now. It opened so many doors, he loved the idea of whisking the two of them away at a moments notice, it was freeing. Like so many things he knew it wouldn't mean nearly as much if he didn't have Billie to share it with. She made it that much more fun and useful, and he thought she kind of enjoyed it too. When they landed he held on to her tightly, stealing another kiss and then pulling away with a little smile on his face.

The mansard roof wasn't super impressive, it was old and had bits of tar and patchwork all over the old shingles. The top panels were flatter than they should have been, sagging from time and lack up real upkeep, but the sides were still slanted. Regardless of its appearance, this place was important to Phillip. It was his escape, his refuge, during the summers and he was glad to share it with her. Phillip took a moment to look around and gave her a nod, thinking about what the roof meant to him. It was the only place at Keithcairn that he felt like he could relax, it was where he wrote to her, where he hid when his uncle was being annoying, and probably the only place he would miss. Turning Seventeen had meant everything to Phillip, and come this time next year he would be graduated and on his own. He'd never be forced to return to this place or go anywhere else he didn't want to. This might well be the last time he came back to Keithcairn and being here with Billie seemed perfect.

"Yep," he answered her as she looked around, and when he thought she'd gotten her bearings he took a step back from her and reached for his wand. Using a quick accio he summoned the little blanket he always used when he was sitting out here. It wasn't special to him, it was just a blanket, but it did keep the little bits of tar from sticking to his legs when he sat. Fluffing it out on the flatter part of the roof he took a seat and waited for her. Keithcairn was in the middle of nowhere but it was also Scotland, so there were fields and passages for miles in every direction except for one. Pointing toward the thick trees Phillip spoke, offering up the little bit he knew about the area, "The Cairngorms National Park is that way, it's a Dark Sky Park, meaning the muggles stopped making so much light pollution in there and you can see a lot of stars."

Yep, he said. She almost never said that, she reflected distantly. She was more of a yes person – she rarely even said yeah. It was fine when other people shortened their words, but for some reason it felt strange coming out of her mouth. Phillip pulled away and she frowned a little in protest, but the expression was just for her – she was facing away from him, and the frown disappeared before she turned around to see what he was doing.

Billie hadn’t seen where he’d pulled that blanket from (he, her boyfriend, she reminded herself with a start), but she was more than happy to move over to it and sit down. She smoothed out her skirt as she got comfy, careful to keep her shoes off of the blanket. Should she take them off, she wondered? So she could tuck her legs up beside her? The blonde debated this internally for a moment, but decided against it. If it seemed like they were going to be here for a while then she could do that then. It felt like the kind of thing that Phillip would care very little about; getting the blanket a bit dirty. Along with her far more formal language, Billie knew her mannerisms, her attention to propriety, really gave her away.

“Oh,?” she said politely, “we’ll have to go there at night sometime, then.” Billie gave him a very light bump with her shoulder. “I hear Scotland is very beautiful,” she added, glancing his way. She’d seen the view from the train, and that was about it. Billie knew that he associated this country with all kinds of things he didn’t like – like school, and this home – but she wondered if he might like it if things were different. It was colder in Scotland than in England, and there were lots of stony shores here too.

Nodding when she said they should go to the reserve some time Phillip mentally added it to the list they had started building in the margins of their shared journals. The list was getting longer every day and the idea excited him. It wasn't concrete plans but they certainly had something on the books and he liked the idea of spending more time with her in the future. They had seen each other so much this summer but he wanted to spend all of his time with her. When they weren't together he was always thinking of her, wondering what she was doing when he could see her again, it was endless. Despite knowing he was being such a typical teenager Phillip was smitten with her. Even sitting next to her now, in a place he'd been so many times, talking about things they'd spoken about on many occasions, it still felt so new, so fresh and bright. Like the rest of their friendship had been through a pane of glass and now he was standing with her on the inside.

"Yeah, we should," he agreed quietly, putting his hand back in his lap as he scooted closer to where she had sat down. He couldn't stay away from her for long, it was a little out of control, but in the best way. His mind felt chaotic when he was close to her. It was full of vibrant thoughts and hopes but also completely blank, open to new things, and excited. "Yeah, it's aright." Phillip considered her words even as he was replying because he knew they were probably right. If not for all of the reasons he hated it he might have even liked it. Scotland was a lot like Ireland though, so even if he liked Hogwarts and his uncle wasn't such a jerk, he probably still wouldn't care for it. He'd rather be somewhere that was nothing like where he grew up. Where the accents were so different he struggled to understand, and the food tasted completely different instead of like some cheap knock off of the things he liked. Every second he was in Scotland he was reminded that he was forced to be here, that some adult somewhere had decided he had no say in the matter. And he was reminded that it wasn't Ireland. Staying in London was much better.

"Looking forward to never having to come back here," Phillip said as he picked up a few of the tar stones next to him and began throwing them off of the roof idly. Aiming at nothing in particular they plinked off the wizard's tent his uncle called a Guest House and the few trees that lined the yard in front of them.

Billie smiled politely when he brushed off her mention of Scotland being beautiful. She looked out at the grass and the trees before them, thinking to herself that even this place was quite stunning. Even with the general feeling that the buildings were slowly falling apart. Even with the sense that the garden might be overgrown in a second if it was given time alone to do so.

She knew why he didn’t like it, though. Why it might not feel so beautiful to him. It was strange how deeply connected architecture and geographical locations could be to memories, histories and feelings. Deep enough to hurt. The blonde couldn’t stop thinking about her island, and the buildings upon it. Her old room, with stone floors and thick rugs. Her window, overlooking a small garden and a sheer drop to icy water.

She glanced at him when he started throwing little rock bits off of the roof. She could imagine how he might feel, maybe. Like this place was an old prison, rather than an old home. “Is this the last trip, then?” Billie asked gently. She’d been excited to come here, to see this piece of him. She knew it wasn't always practical to think of things in terms of story arcs, but sometimes it was difficult not to. Difficult not to see things in terms of chapters, and pieces that pulled together to paint a clean picture. This place was a part of his, and she'd been grateful to him to let her come and experience it.

Phillip kept throwing rocks, eyes following them as they ping-ponged off things on the ground level, feeling like his thoughts were doing the same thing. A home. It was quite the idea, it was something that Phillip didn't know anymore. His entire existence felt transient, traveling from Hogwarts to here and back again for the last few years. This was the last time he'd travel here, and after spending one summer in London, he'd travel back to Hogwarts for the last time too. Everything was changing again and he felt like he was being pushed along some kind of conveyor belt. Another product of the magical machine, churning and spitting out witches and wizards, each one scarred and battle-ready. Phillip had learned too young that the word "home" had nothing to do with the building, and everything to do with who was inside. Despite hating Keithcairn, and feeling like an intruder in London, Phillip had found a new home this summer. Somewhere he could feel safe and she was sitting next to him.

"Yeah, it is," Phillip asserted, even though there was always the possibility he'd have to come back one day, he shut the door on the thought. He didn't want to and so he decided he wouldn't. He nodded once, tossing another stone, and then turned to look at her. Maybe if he had tried a little harder he could have made a connection with his uncle, they could have been friends, but Phillip had shut everyone out. Especially the wizard who wouldn't take him to the ministry to ask questions, the wizard who made him keep living in Scotland, the wizard who'd sold his family home and not even let him pack some more things first. He had a whole trunk of things to his name and it was barely even full. Clothing and textbooks aside he had very little left of sentimental value, the magically connected journal he shared with Billie at the top of the list. 

"There is nothing for me here, no reason to come back." He said, finishing the thought while he held another stone in his hand, pausing before throwing it.

“I understand,” Billie said. But, she thought, there hadn’t been much reason for her to go back to Maidstone, either. And there wasn’t much reason for her to go to Sinnoway Isle, even though a part of her assumed that she would. One day, in the future. Billie wondered if Phillip would come back here in a few years, and see it from a different perspective. Just another place, full to the brim with pieces of him as much as he had pieces of this place in him, too.

Then again, she wondered distantly, untying her shoelaces, would he have wanted to go back to Ireland if she hadn’t been there that day? If Billie could apparate, she’d probably have gone and visited her childhood home immediately. It wasn’t something she’d thought about, really, but thinking it now made her chest ache a little. She’d be there in a heartbeat, she realised, and the thought was a bit unsettling. It was easier, she thought, to keep everything tucked into the boxes they were supposed to stay in. She wasn’t supposed to think about that.

Anyway.

The blonde glanced at her friend. This was something that they perhaps approached a little differently, she thought. She wanted to go back to all of the places she’d been, and she would, if she could. But then, she’d never ever been as angry as Phillip had, even when people had done things that had wronged her. Even about the things that had hurt her very badly.

Gently, she reached out and took his hand in hers, plucking the stone from his palm with her other hand and dropping it to the side. Her eyes were on his as she slid her fingers in between his larger ones, so his hand was clasped in between both of hers. "Then I'm glad you don't have to," she said softly, with a gentle smile that matched her tone. Billie brought his hand up to her lips and kissed the back of one of his fingers.

Turning his head to meet her gaze Phillip felt warm when she took his hand in hers. It was a little gesture but at that moment it meant the world. He had been throwing stones, discarding metaphoric memories of this place he'd rather not take along with him, and she reminded him he didn't have to. For as much as he loved mysteries and puzzles Phillip hated loose ends when he was done with a thing he wanted to be done with it entirely. It was easier not to hold on to things, that way he wouldn't have to miss them when they were inevitably gone. Phillip wasn't planning to hold a little space for Keithcairn or his uncle. All the space he had left was already reserved, there was no more room for him to miss anything else.

He was glad too, that he'd never be forced to come back here unless he chose to. For someone who was so stuck in their past, Phillip hadn't had the nerve to travel back to it without her. He could have apparated to Ireland before he took Billie there but he couldn't bring himself to do it. And even when they had gone he couldn't bring her to his childhood home, there was nothing left there either. The house belonged to someone else now, there would be no pictures of his family on the walls, no little reminders of better times scattered throughout. What would be the point of going back? It was a question the wizard had asked himself so many times before, wondering if it would make him feel better or just make things worse. It hadn't been worth the risk, to Phillip nothing was worth the risk, until now.

"Yeah, me too," Phillip admitted softly, their hands intertwined as she kissed his fingers. Billie made him feel secure despite his wavering memories and the buildings around them that were literally crumbling to dust. "It will be strange never coming back here, I've been living here since I was twelve years old." The thought had occurred to him before, but it was more real now that he had said it out loud. In less than a year he'd be on his own, and while the idea was freeing, it was also daunting. He'd have no one else to blame when things went wrong, it would all be on him. He wasn't being sentimental about Keithcairn, or really even the time he spent here, but more so about the freedom he'd be chasing for so long finally becoming a possibility.

Billie let their hands rest gently on her leg, and she leaned her head on his shoulder. “And now you can live wherever you want,” She said, her words flowing on softly from his own sentence. It was almost true. He still had one more year left at Hogwarts before he was “properly” free, but right now, he was technically allowed to live anywhere. The idea was a little dizzying to think of.

Very much unlike her friend – boyfriend, she corrected – Billie was comforted by the familiarity and routine of Hogwarts. She wouldn’t have said the same thing in her second year, of course, but the last couple of years had been relatively uneventful at the school, and Billie had spent far more time at Hogwarts than she had at Kendrick’s house in Craven, or even at her Aunt’s house in Maidstone. It was as close a home as anywhere, and forging her own path was intimidating rather than exhilarating.

It was a strange thing, she thought, having moved somewhere new – new home, new family – so close to when she’d started school. She imagined Phillip had to feel the same way. If he’d come here in the summer between his first and second year, then it would have been what... December during his second year when he’d already spent more time at Hogwarts than he had in Keithcairn? Could a place one had only been living in during the summers really feel like home? Maidstone was like that for her, too.

She wondered what it felt like to have a solid, physical home. Somewhere that had felt safe for your entire life. Her mind populated this imaginary home with imaginary family, though, and that was on the verge of dangerous territory. So she focused on him, instead. "Do you think you'll stay in London after school?" she asked quietly, her head still comfortably resting against his shoulder.

The ability to live anywhere he wanted was certainly something Phillip had been wanting for a long time. The power to choose, instead of being at the will of someone else. But now that it was upon him he really had to think about where he would live. He still had some time, but nearly as much as it sometimes felt like, before he graduated. Eventually, he'd have to figure out how to pay for a new place to live too, and that was a problem in and of its own. Phillip was intelligent and able-bodied but would he survive the working world? It was hard to say, he could barely pass his classes without getting as many detentions as he did essays. And he had the feeling a corporate job would be far less forgiving than his patient professors. Chewing on the inside of his cheek he worried that his thoughts meant he wasn't ready, that he wouldn't be good at being on his own when he'd yearned for it for so long. His own thoughts, in a way, proving that he was indeed ready, every one his age must have been worried about what came next. After living at Hogwarts for the last seven years, it would be impossible not to. Not if he was being realistic.

He took in a deep breath and exhaled, staring across the overgrown grounds, the lawns he was supposed to mow, and the broken window on the second floor he'd agreed to fix last week but never did.  Would he stay in London after Hogwarts? "No, probably not, there are too many people in London," And Phillip didn't really care for the crowds. It was loud and smoggy and there was always some sort of festival happening and he didn't really like those either. Then again, the city was always awake it seemed. He could head out in the middle of the night and still find somewhere to get something to eat. He liked that part, it was probably the only thing he liked about living in London, the city slept as little as he did. "Haven't really thought about it, I guess," He fought back a shrug to avoid nudging her head from his shoulder and scrunched up his face a little instead. "I have, actually, but not specifically if that makes sense?" He was just talking now. Letting his thoughts come out like a stream of consciousness, something he'd only ever do around her. "Being on my own has always sort of been this abstract thing to look forward to, like one day I won't have to be here anymore." Here being Hogwarts, but Phillip didn't stop to clarify.

"I was in such a rush to move forward, to get out, but now..." he trailed off, his thoughts returning to her as they always seemed to. Now he didn't want to leave Hogwarts if she was still there. He didn't even want to leave this rooftop but he knew they'd have to eventually. "I kind of just want things to slow down now, you know?" Phillip finished after a slight pause, his thumb idly tracing small lines back and forth across the side of her hand. Phillip knew the time would keep moving, soon enough her curfew would come, then September, and then graduation, but he didn't want to think about it anymore. He just wanted to think about now.

Too many people in London? “Mmm.” She made a sound of agreement. Billie understood that. She was sure there were quieter parts of the city than Diagon Alley, but she would hate to live anywhere too central. The blonde had grown up on an island, for Merlin’s sake, the hustle and bustle of the city was a bit much for her. She relaxed into him a little as he spoke, content to just hold his hand and let the breeze wash over them both, the sound of his voice and the rustling leaves the only things to break the quiet around her.

She didn’t say anything but there was something deeply uncomfortable for her about the way he phrased that. One day I won't have to be here anymore. It made her wonder where he meant, exactly. What he meant. There was only once in her entire life where Billie had felt like she was trapped, waiting to escape the place she was, and hating it. She still had nightmares about that.

It wasn’t fun moving into her aunt’s house, but there hadn’t been a part of her that had rebelled; not even enough that she could bring herself to hate it, not even at the start. The same went for Kendrick’s house last summer. Same again for her first year at Hogwarts. She’d always just accepted things the way they were. That was another difference between them, she thought. Or maybe just an elaboration on the difference she’d been thinking about earlier. Phillip externalised things, got angry, hated things. She couldn’t do it; it wasn’t in her nature, even when it might be self-protective, or better, or healthy, even.

"I understand," she said again. Billie liked it when he talked like this; it was the kind of conversation they might have very late at night, or on a quiet walk through the snowy grounds of Hogwarts before dinner when the sun had gone down already. She liked when he really let his guard down around her. "Me too," she added. Billie didn't want him to finish school in just one year. They might have only been "dating" for about forty minutes, but they'd been close now for what felt like a very long time to the fifteen year old. She was quiet for a little bit, turning over what he'd said in her mind.

"You could just move into the Maidstone house," she said, half intonating like it was a joke, but not really meaning it as one. "It's quiet there," she added, thinking of the highest room in the house.

Phillip had probably said more words stringed together in the last five minutes than he typically would in a week. He was a wizard of few words, typically expressing himself through frowns and narrow eyes instead of full sentences. The teenager was insanely opinionated, he had thoughts about everything, but unless it was coming out in angry tones he rarely said much at all on his thoughts. It was easier to say judgemental things, to keep up this wall between him and everyone else than it was to let anyone in on what was really going on inside his head. And after pushing everyone away for as long as he had staying tight-lipped was just second nature, but Billie had come in like a petite little wrecking ball. Breaking down those walls, making him feel like talking, like sharing, and since then, he'd saved all of his emotions for her. Anytime something good happened (which was maybe a little bit more than he realized) Phillip instantly thought 'I want to tell Billie about this'. And it was the same for the bad stuff, he knew he would be safe telling her because she always knew just want to say or not say in return. He never felt pressured, Billie made him feel comfortable.

There was fear too though, a fear of losing her as a friend because of what they were now. A fear that he cared too much, that even when he wasn't trying to he'd end up pushing her away. Phillip had never thought about every word he spoke as much as he did now. He was comfortable with her but also terrified of saying the wrong thing. It was the sort of feeling that made his stomach flip, the possibility of saying the wrong thing, or the absolutely right thing, weighing on him tremendously. Policing his complaints, trying so desperately to make her smile any chance he got, it was a strange force that made him nervous as much as it excited him. Phillip straightened up a little as she leaned into him, a safe place for her to rest against, and nodded slowly.

"Maidstone?" He asked, the filter between his brain and mouth still temporarily down, as he looked toward her. He couldn't see her face from where they were sitting but Phillip recognized that tone of voice. She used it to test the waters, to say something she wasn't entirely sure of, and usually, the casual tone made it easier to navigate but not right now. His thoughts raced ahead of him again and he was quiet for a beat, picturing staying in her old house, and everything that would mean. They had gone to visit it last week so the imagery still lingered, her bedroom, her bedposts, and all of the memories she hadn't shared out loud. Blinking a few times he finally spoke again, "Are you serious?" He asked, not wanting to go down the route of actually thinking it was a possibility without knowing for sure. Phillip felt weird about the offer like it was a handout, but at the same time, he was grateful for it. She must have known he was basically poor, the tattered wizard's tent he lived in view, just past his torn up two-year-old sneakers. And maybe that would change once he had the opportunity to get a real job (scooping ice cream on the weekends was not really in his wheelhouse of acquired skills) but he doubted it would happen fast after graduation. He looked at her again, pulling away slightly to see her face as he waited.

Are you serious?

Was she serious?

Billie remembered thinking about this when they’d gone to Kent. That the house just sitting there, empty, was a waste. The idea of Phillip struggling financially while she basically still lived at Hogwarts, with an empty house sitting there in her name – two houses actually, she corrected, but he couldn’t know that – well, it just didn’t feel right. “I mean I…” She trailed off, straightening up as he pulled away a little. She’d been about to say that she’d have to ask Kendrick, but that wasn’t really true, either. It was her house; not that she thought he’d say no, of course, it was Ken after all…

Billie shook her head once slowly, from side to side, her expression serious now. The breeze tousled her hair a little as she watched him. “I don’t see why not,” she said softly, meeting his gaze evenly. A part of her wanted to do more; what was she doing with the piles of galleons sitting in her bank account anyway? But she knew he wouldn’t go for anything like that; he wouldn’t even let her pay for her own ice cream. Billie ran her thumb over his affectionately. The house, though. It surprised her a little that he hadn't immediately squashed the idea. Phillip could be prideful sometimes (another reasons she secretly thought that he'd be a Gryffindor in another universe). “It’s just sitting there,” she added gently.

It was such a heavy thing to consider and before she'd even finished answered Phillip was already wrestling with all of the thoughts that came along with it. It would be so easy to stay at Maidstone after Hogwarts, and it would give him more reasons to see her in between, but something about it wasn't entirely right either. At first, he'd told himself she wasn't being serious, and that made it easier not to have to contemplate, but now that she'd solidified her idea he was forced to stare it down. Phillip didn't have a lot of options going for him, and he didn't have any sort of inheritance to use as a springboard, he'd learned that when he turned seventeen in November, so he'd be a fool to pass up such an opportunity. He knew this was true, and yet, he just couldn't quite accept it easily. It was too much, it was more than he'd ever been able to give her in return, and it made him feel weird. While he knew she was only being generous in the offering, Phillip knew he couldn't really accept. He'd barely been okay with staying with Wini in London for a few summer months, he knew he couldn't take up residence in Billie's old home for any period of time.

The wind rustled past them, making the trees dance and the little hairs on the back of his neck sway, and he used it as an excuse to put his free hand on the back of his neck awkwardly. Mulling it over, even though he knew it was an exceptional offer, Phillip had no idea how to respond. It was a nice thought, and if he let himself venture down that road he could see a lot of good coming out of it, but he wouldn't. No, he would have to figure something else out because that was just who he was. He couldn't take her hand out, even if it was so different from the handouts he'd been offered in the past, it came from a good place. It was empathy, not sympathy, but it didn't matter.

"I don't know, maybe.." Phillip said, leaving it at that because he couldn't bring himself to outwardly decline it either, not when he knew she was only trying to be a good friend. Policing his words again, he tried to care for her feelings too. "I really appreciate the offer though." He said, nudging her a little as the wind around them picked up again, Phillip wondered if it was going to storm.

Had she made a mistake? Phillip was quiet for a little while, but he seemed to be mulling it over in a way that made Billie feel like she’d misstepped. She felt a little confused as she watched him; she’d been half joking when she’d said it in the first place, but when he’d asked if she was serious, the blonde had thought that it might be something he actually wanted. She hoped she wasn’t pressuring him too much, and her mind spun trying to come up with a way to take it back.

“It’s a long way away,” Billie said, speaking at the same time as his I don’t know, their words overlapping a bit. She was half trying to reassure him about what he’d been speaking about a moment ago – the wanting things to slow down – and half trying to give him an easier way to decline, if that was what he wanted. I really appreciate the offer though. “Oh, it’s no hassle,” she replied politely, glancing down at their intertwined fingers. Internally, she cringed a little.

With her free hand, she tucked some hair behind her ear. A moment later, the breeze tugged the strands free again. “There’s plenty of time to think about it,” Billie added gently. After a moment, she added, “What were you planning on doing at Christmas?” She glanced up to meet his gaze again after she said this. She’d asked because she’d imagined what it might be like if he had somewhere to go home to at Christmas that wasn’t Hogwarts, and then wondered what it might be like if he had his own space that she could go to, too.

But she also just wanted to know. If he was going to go and stay at Wini's house, then she'd go home to Kendrick's. If he was staying at the castle, then she'd be there too.

As much as he would have loved to take her up on the offer, something about it just didn't feel completely right. Maybe he'd over thought it, maybe after a few months he would feel differently, but sitting here now Phillip couldn't bring himself to accept. He'd stopped asking for help a long time ago, and somewhere in that he'd apparently stopped accepting it too, even when nothing was asked in return. Phillip trusted Billie's intentions but he was so set in his ways he couldn't see the forest beyond the trees. It was too much to offer, it was too much to take. He chewed on the inside of his cheek for a moment, her responses to his words as civil and easily given as ever but there was still a weight between them. "Yeah, that's true," Phillip responded as quickly, agreeing that there was plenty of time and appreciated the easy out she'd given him rather than pressing the issue.

Phillip was caught off guard by Billie's next question, he was not prepared to answer, and so he shrugged his shoulder's silently as their eyes met. Last Christmas had been the first one he'd enjoyed in quite a while, and it was because Billie had stayed back at the castle too. While he knew she struggled with the idea of joining Kendrick for the holidays, since it was the first big one since she'd started living with him, Phillip had been grateful for the time together. The teenage wizard never came back here, to Keithcairn, during the holidays and his uncle had never asked him to either. It was sort of like an unsaid agreement they'd had, that his uncle would care for him during the summer, but only as much as was minimally required by the Ministry. And Phillip didn't ask for anything more.

"The same thing as always, probably," He told her even though he had more options now than he had ever had in years prior. He could stay in London with William, he thought, given his age, he didn't have to stay with a "guardian" anymore, or, and this thought was the most tantalizing, he could even take her up on her offer if only just for the holiday. Phillip let his mind wander as he doubled back to the idea of staying at Maidstone. While staying all year, taking up residence after graduation, had seemed too much to consider, the thought of staying just for the holiday certainly had its merits. Especially if it meant she would visit him more. Turning to look at her again as thoughts of spending time alone with her raced through is mind Phillip spoke again, "Have you given it any thought?"