these wild oceans shake what's left of me loose { phillip }

The entire world around them faded like the backdrop was falling, and they were the only two on the stage, under the hot spotlights. Phillip's heart raced when his hand fell to her knee, the bare skin feeling soft against his rough palm. It wasn't conscious, but the teenager was keeping a running list of which parts of her skin he had touched, always imagining the next one, still keeping track. Silently he added this one to the checkmark column as she was breaking the kiss slightly. He opened his eyes to search her face, wondering if his hand was not okay being there.

There was a rushing feeling in his ears and cheeks, a little embarrassed when he thought she might move his hand away. Green eyes caught in her stare, Phillip was pleasantly surprised when she placed her hand on top of his when he started to pull away. It was not what he had been expecting, but this side of Billie was such a mystery. She was shy sometimes, waiting for him to kiss her first or to initiate something new, and then other times, she seemed eager to push the boundaries of things they had done before. He was starting to recognize the look on her face when she did. That mix of confidence and anxiousness, her eyes checking in with him as she moved, but wanting to try something more. He loved that look.

When her hand pressed down on his, pushing his fingers into her skin, he felt like she had stolen his breath and then given it back. Phillip sucked in a dip breath as he realized she wasn't just keeping his hand there, she was pushing it forward a little, ever so slightly north toward the hem of her shorts. Phillip's green eyes flicked down to their hands as she stopped, caught between wanting to push further, and wanting her to keep showing him what she wanted. The world around them was black, nothing existed, but the two of them. Not the birds singing, not the ice cream melting behind them, not the clicking sounds of Kendrick's dog pacing across the wood floor inside the house. Just them.  He felt so lost in this world, but not in the sort of way that he wanted to be found. He wished he could just live here forever because everything here was perfect.

Removing the space between them, Phillip felt like he was melting into her, it was dizzying, intoxicating, vibrantly aware of his hand inching up her thigh so slowly. His fingertips on fire, like little electrical pulses making him tingle all over. He kissed her deeply, lips parted slightly, gentle but demanding, and ignored the pestering thought in the back of his mind that Kendrick might come outside at any moment.

He tasted like mint ice cream. Or perhaps that was her; there wasn’t much of a difference at the moment. With her eyes closed like this, Billie couldn’t really focus on anything except his hand on her thigh. Her cheeks were flushed, her heart racing. She wanted to be somewhere else – somewhere more comfortable than the porch steps. Somewhere where the adrenaline rush could really carry her away. She felt surprised at her own feelings. By now, though – after the week they’d had – and especially the couple of days before they’d broken their streak of spending every day together, she supposed it shouldn’t be a surprise. She was fifteen, and caught up in teen love; her imagination ran wild every time he kissed her.

And Merlin, it was a lot, especially when he was so close, all over her. He moved to her neck and she tilted her head, opening her eyes and trying to catch her breath. “I wish we were – ” she cut herself off. She felt more forward right now, caught up in the kissing, and the touching, and her stupid imagination, and him, but not quite bold enough to finish that sentence. “Ah!” She jerked away suddenly, as his kisses tickled her neck too much. She laughed, both in response to the sensitivity of her skin and the overwhelming tension she was feeling internally. Billie squished her shoulder to her ear, still smiling as she wrinkled her nose at him. I wish we were somewhere more private, she thought to herself, mildly mortified by just how forward it sounded, even though it was true. Billie knew he wouldn’t think, like, badly of her if she said something like that, or anything. She didn’t know, but she thought he’d probably like to hear her say it out loud. It was just her – she couldn't do it.

She glanced down at their hands, his fingertips just underneath the cotton hem of her shorts. She was nervous to say something like that. Nervous of giving the wrong impression. That she might want… She flicked her eyes up to him again. What was it that she did want, exactly? She felt like she needed to know what he wanted to be able to answer that question properly. They’d spent the better part of last week making out; she had an embarrassing mark at the base of her neck to show for it, too. But they hadn’t talked explicitly about this sort of stuff. Billie would rather die than be the one to bring it up first – and what would she even say? She couldn’t even bring herself to try out different sentences in her head.

“Er – What’s the time?” she breathed.

Phillip wanted to put his hands all over her, to explore more of her skin and check more things off of the list. It was like she had opened a door and he wasn't wanting to just step inside carefully, he wanted to run straight through. The way he was feeling was so powerful, so energetic, it was hard to hold back. The teenage felt swept away by it, his lips crashing onto hers like waves out to sea. His fingers slid slowly toward her shorts, barely under the hem but enough that it counted (for the checklist). His attention moved to her neck, kissing the soft skin there and trying to find the balance between teasing and tickling. She tilted her head, opening her neck to him and it urged him on. It was more than just permission, he took it as her wanting him to kiss her there, and he was excited by it.

Consumed by the statement she'd left open Phillip lost his focus on the delicate balance he was trying desperately to keep. Phillip remembered how sensitive she was the last time he had tried to kiss her neck and he was learning, but he hadn't learned enough yet it seemed. When she pulled away his face was flush, eyes on her, wishing she would have finished what she was saying. There was something quixotic about Billie saying things like what he thought she might have been about to say and the teenager craved it.

His breath was ragged from the momentum they had built up but he smiled a little. While he knew she wasn't laughing him, it still made him pause, trying to discern what he had done to make her pull away. Internally the Ravenclaw compiled the data, where on her neck, the pressure, trying to compare and learn what she liked and what made her ticklish. Externally his gaze followed hers down to their hands, and his smile faded ever so slightly when she asked for the time. He couldn't see the numbers on his watch from this angle and he was much more interested in seeing his fingertips just underneath her shorts. Seeing them there was an added boost, better than just feeling them there, he realized.

Begrudgingly he leaned back and pulled his hand up to tap the wizards watch and make it glow. He kept the face of the clock pointed away from her, smirking a little as he looked back up to her, a playful look on his face. "Not your curfew yet," Phillip told her, leaving it at that because it was the only detail he was concerned with.

She felt a little relieved when he pulled back, but not because she didn’t like having him there. She felt like she'd been holding her breath in the moments that his gaze had flicked down to where their hands were, like she'd been waiting to see if he'd answer her or just kiss her again or something. He slid his hand out from under hers and she rested her fingertips on her leg where his hand had been. Her whole body felt tingly. She wasn't regretting wearing her summer pyjamas.

It was an ebb and flow sort of thing for Billie; the build of the tension and the break from it. Even though he’d moved, she felt like she could still feel his hand on her leg, and the phantom-hand was distracting enough. “Oh?” she asked, raising her eyebrows, mostly at his expression. Billie knew she would think about it all later, and the thought would have made her blush if her cheeks weren't red already. It wasn't news, though – she’d basically stopped thinking about anything other than him when they were apart. Admittedly, she'd been crushing on him forever and he'd probably been on her mind for the past few months, but the intensity had gone up tenfold recently. And then there was the recent tone shift since they'd started dating.

Or well, since they’d started kissing, which was an earlier date than the twelfth of July, she reminded herself. It seemed bizarre to her that he’d only technically been her boyfriend for under a fortnight – it felt like they’d been together for a year. Absentmindedly, she adjusted the cotton hem of her pyjama shorts. “How long, then?” she asked, bringing a hand up to tap one finger on his cheek playfully, her eyebrows raised still. Her expression was teasing, but it would be a lie to say that she wasn't enjoying just... touching him. Billie tapped his nose a couple of times, then distracted herself running her thumb over the surface of his lips. She slid her hand onto his cheek, brushed her thumb over his cheekbone.

"You're very handsome," she told him quietly, her words absolutely sincere. She pulled her hand back and clasped both of her hands in her lap. "Too handsome," she added, giving him a sidelong look, like he'd done something suspicious. "It's very distracting."

Phillip smiled at Billie when she asked how much longer they had, wanting to tell her they had longer than they really did because he didn't want her to go inside. He didn't want to leave yet, to go back to London, and pace around the flat until the next time he could see her. There was an overwhelming need to spend all of his time with Billie, it was irrational, but it was such a nice feeling. It was almost like hope, looking forward to something and never wanting to let it go. Phillip knew he'd see her again soon, they had something tentative already planned, but it was rare they went a day without seeing each other. Unless she was busy. Phillip hated those days. He didn't want to press pause on seeing her let alone miss her for two days. And when she was with her friends, she wasn't writing to him, and Phillip hated the silence. The more they were together, the more Phillip wanted, he couldn't stop the feeling.

"A little while yet, it's only a little past ten." Still keeping out of specifics, Phillip gave the other detail-oriented Ravenclaw another playful grin. Phillip was still as she tapped his nose and then began exploring his face with her fingertips. It was one of those moments hed come to recognize from her over the past few weeks. When her curiosity won the internal battle with her timidness. Billie had a way of saying and doing things that were so different from anyone he ever met. It was like he could see the wheels turning behind those ocean green eyes, knowing she was thinking and asking, and sometimes she acted on those thoughts. She called him handsome, and he smiled, desperately wanting to say it back but hating to feel like he was just mirroring her words to her. Billie wasn't the type of witch who fished for compliments, even though Phillip thought she deserved every single one in the book. She was intelligent, thoughtful, singularly beautiful, and patient enough to deal with his grumpy nonsense. Phillip thought she deserved a trophy for that last one. But he knew he didn't say these types of things enough. No matter how often Phillip thought them, which was al the time, the teenager rarely said the words. The wizard had never been the type to express things like that verbally, but he hoped she knew, hoped his actions were loud enough.

She set her hands back in her lap in that refined sort of way, but he could still see the intrigue playing off of her delicate features. The cute little way she was looking at him made him smile, a warmth rising in his chest, Merlin she was beautiful. "Well I guess you will just have to spend all of your free time with me then," Phillip teased back, even though they already did it wasn't enough, Phillip wanted more.

“Oh, a little bit past, is it?” she repeated, raising her eyebrows skeptically. “A little bit like what, ten thirty? Ten forty-five?” The first time they’d gone out at night he’d dropped her back a bit after ten, when it had been around ten that she was supposed to be back. She hadn’t been given a clear curfew after that, and they’d pushed it a little each time. Billie felt a little guilty about it, but clearly not guilty enough to not be distracted every time it happened. She trusted that Kendrick would let her know if she pushed things too far. Perhaps she’d bring it up with him sometime.

Billie wondered if he knew the effect his teasing had on her. She was more playful with him now – a side of herself she hadn’t really been expecting to appear now, at the fully formed age of fifteen – but did he know? He gave her a playful sort of grin as she touched his face and her heart fluttered. Internally, there was a part of her that shook her head at herself. A very quiet, self-aware part. Things became bigger things in this sort of situation though, Billie knew. Shoulders weren’t just shoulders. A smile wasn’t just a smile.

“I do spend all my free time with you,” she complained, frowning playfully. In the past two weeks they’d spent what, two days apart? Oh – three – she supposed. She’d forgotten Kendrick’s birthday. Still, it wasn’t like she didn’t want to see him all the time either. “Wish we could stop time,” she added cutely, bumping his leg with her knee, her frown dissolving into another smile. As soon as he left, Billie knew she’d be back in her room writing to him until she fell asleep. What would she give to be able to stop time in those kinds of moments, and see him instead of just writing to him.

"It's ten thirty-two, if you must know," Phillip told her, the little smirk reaching his eyes now. They never used to play around like this, and the wizard was enjoying the new development. He was a different person around her, in a way he always had been, but the differences now were so vivid. With her, he was lively, playful, happy even, and that contrasted so much to the typically cynical, apathetic, and grumpy mood he had with the rest of the world. The lightness felt good because it wasn't forced, he wasn't smiling because someone was telling him he should, that his life wasn't as bad as he thought. He was smiling because she made it better. And he couldn't deny that she was the reason for all of it.

When she replied with a twinge of complaint on her voice, he grinned, breathing a little chuckle, finding her pretend pout even cuter. "Well good," he said with a light-hearted shrug. Phillip would spend every moment with her if she allowed it. When he wasn't with her, he was writing to or thinking about her, so it wasn't really a change for him. Even when he was sleeping, he was often dreaming about her in some abstract way or another. "Yeah, me too," Phillip said as he turned to look out across the street, a pensive look crossing his features. If they could stop time, or even create their own little pocket of time, he'd never have to leave her for the night. In the beginning, all of his research had been to figure out what had happened to his mother and sister. More and more lately, he daydreamed about using the cabinet to escape to a realm just for the two of them—another plane, between this one, spending entire days together without interruption or curfew. As much as he tried to focus on his original research, his thoughts always led to his girlfriend and how the magic they were studying could help them instead.

"I'd stay here with you all night if I could," he told her honestly, not realizing what he was admitting out loud until it was too late to take back. It was a simple statement, and it was absolutely true, but it held so much more meaning. Especially the night part, because there were so many things that couples did at night that they had not done yet. Phillip's mind raced, and he thought about avoiding looking at her but willing to make eye contact instead. He wondered what she was thinking at that moment more than any moment this afternoon.

“Oh, yes, just after ten, then,” Billie agreed sagely, giving him a look.

After a moment, she took his hand, turning it so it was palm-up, resting on her knee. Billie drew a slow, lazy path down the line that went down the middle of his palm. She flicked her eyes back up to his when he agreed with her, her gaze lingering on his expression for a moment before falling again to look at the little details on his palm. Phillip appeared to have taken her lighthearted comment more seriously than she’d meant it, but she didn’t want to press him on it. He looked thoughtful. Internally, she tried to go back and replay what she’d said, and the different ways he might have taken it. Naturally, her thoughts drifted to his family, and his past, and whether or not her comment might have sparked thoughts in that direction.

Billie glanced up at him as he spoke, and then blinked at his words. “Oh,” she said pleasantly, dropping her gaze to his palm. So not family-related, then? She nodded a couple of times, her politeness kicking in automatically even though she felt a bit flustered and her tummy did a little flip. Billie’s eyes were trained on his palm, following the path of her fingertip as she forced herself to draw lazy circles there. She tried not to give herself away.

She could feel him looking at her, and felt a bit pressured under his gaze. He wished he could stay here all night? With her? She wanted to look at him again properly, to see if she was just wildly misconstruing his words in her head, reading into things too much. He probably just wanted to stay here, as in, here in her company – all night. Not here as in… Well – the other things that his statement made her think about.

Unless he did mean the other things?

“Here as in, on this step?” she asked, her eyes on his hand, still drawing shapes against his palm. Her voice had a little tease in it; it felt like something that might be appropriate to say whether he was thinking about staying up all night with her, talking, or… whatever else. Either way, it didn’t feel like an inappropriate response, but she didn’t have to commit to anything, either, and it gave her a moment to collect her thoughts. Billie felt nervous; she wasn’t a baby or anything, but he’d only been her boyfriend for a very brief period of time. Hadn’t she just been thinking about how this had felt like a year but had, in fact, only been a couple of weeks?

Seven months ago, Phillip had given her a necklace for her birthday. She was wearing it now, actually, though it was concealed under her collared pyjama shirt. In retrospect, it wasn’t really the kind of present one gave someone who was just a friend, was it? There were a lot of little gestures like that that had probably contributed to the fact that it felt like it had been far longer than it really had been. Billie knew she was blushing, but she’d basically already been pink-cheeked from the kissing, so hopefully her treacherous cheeks weren’t giving her thoughts away.

Seven months ago, she'd turned fifteen. Phillip had already been seventeen for several months at that point, though; he had a November birthday, so he'd already been a proper allowed-to-do-magic-out-of-school adult when she'd been fourteen. The age difference hadn't meant much to her in the past – she'd usually only thought about it when she felt naive or ignorant or young in their conversations. She'd sometimes felt a need to be older than she was, to make sure he still wanted to spend time with her despite her age. Billie felt a little like that now, and she wondered if what she was feeling was some kind of naivety or ignorance.

Even though he had meant the words simply, that he'd chose to hang out with her all day every day, they took on so much more meaning now. The longer the pause between what he said and her reply went, the deeper his thoughts about his own statement went. It was a privilege to know her, to be with her, and he wanted it to go on forever. If they could stop time, they would have forever. No graduation to worry about, no time apart, and the idea seemed so much better than letting time pass by them. It didn't matter that technically they had only been dating for a few weeks because they had been close for so much longer. Long enough for it to feel like a permanent fixture in his life, something Phillip struggled to find and hang on to. And it wasn't just that he was thinking about stopping time to stay close to her.

He was also thinking about how close they could get if they had all night if they had as much time as they wanted without curfews or lessons. It would be a lie to say the seventeen-year-old hadn't thought about it before. And many times, but he wasn't going to admit that much to her. There was a time for conversations like that and as much as he might have wanted it to be, it didn't feel like right now was the time. At least, not for him to bring it up. Phillip's hand tingled where she was drawing little circles, he could feel the little sparks of energy throughout his body, and it made him want to close his eyes. They opened again when she spoke, curving with his smile as he replied, "Yeah, this step, anywhere, as long as it's with you." He shrugged his shoulders but was careful not to move the hand she was drawing on too much.

"We've still got a whole list of places to visit," he said softly, remembering the margins of their connected journals and all of the places they had decided to go. It was like the list of skin he'd yet to visit, and he was always keeping track.

Anywhere, as long as it’s with you.

She had to smile at that. Billie felt a little relieved that his words were so casual; she didn’t know what she’d been expecting, exactly, but clearly a part of her had been expecting something, since she had to consciously make her shoulders relax. Billie didn’t know what she’d do if he brought up, well, sex or anything. She felt a little flustered and uncomfortably crass even thinking the word – especially when he hadn’t brought up anything of the kind! It felt worse, somehow, that she was thinking about it when he clearly wasn’t.

She wondered suddenly if he found her sexy, but shut that thought down quickly. Billie already spent too much time wondering about herself through his eyes; she didn’t need yet another axis to judge herself along. And “sexiness” wasn’t exactly a lens that she’d ever considered herself through before, either. She stopped drawing circles on his hand when he spoke again, her fingertip coming to rest in the middle of his palm.

“Yes, we do,” she agreed, glancing up at him again. She smiled. “We’re yet to go somewhere very starry,” she reminded him, all matter-of-fact. “But I don’t know if we’re going to get that done this summer. The sun stays up very late,” she complained. Billie was grateful for the darkness now, at this moment, but the dark meant that she’d probably be going to bed soon. Even thinking about bed made her want to yawn, even though she agreed with him – she’d want to stay up all night with him if she could.

Somewhere very starry, Phillip nodded at the reminder, still wondering how they could fulfill that one. When they had started the list the Ravenclaw had naturally started his own side list of potential places. Adding places he thought she might like, crossing off ones that weren't impressive enough, and doing research. Phillip wasn't the sort of boyfriend who showed up with flowers or impressed her friends with well-practiced jokes but he tried to make her happy. While he barely planned things and naturally hated surprises, he wanted to do those things for her.

Phillip couldn't help but turn to look at her when she complained, watching her adorable expression. Billie never really complained about anything, he'd noticed, which was such a stark difference between the two of them. Phillip rarely approved of anything, but he was finding less and less to complain about this summer.

"I've got a few ideas about that," He teased softly, leaving the sentence at that and giving her a small smirk. With apparition magic it didn't matter what side of the hemispheres they were currently on. They could travel around the world to catch a starry night and be back in time for her curfew, he'd realized. They might not have been able to stop time but the least they could do was waste any of it traveling. "But I'm not going to tell you. I guess you will have to find time for me in your busy calendar." Phillip turned toward her, his hand falling on the smooth skin just below where the hem of her shorts ended and kissed her again.

He seemed to like when she teased him like this, and his amusement only served to make her want to do it more. Billie wasn’t a funny person, but she’d seen at least forty different kinds of smiles from him in the past couple of weeks that she’d never ever seen in the past couple of years that she’d known him; it was almost like a subconscious mission of hers to see more. To make more. And she was happily finding new sides of herself to bring them out, too.

Billie raised her eyebrows when he said he had ideas. Ideas about starry places to see? She wondered if he meant, like, Scotland or something? They’d talked about watching the stars from central Scotland at some point, hadn’t they…? Billie waited for him to elaborate, and he didn’t. She crossed her arms, mock-offended when he said he wasn’t going to tell her. “When you put it like that –” she whined, but she didn’t have a chance to finish her sentence, though, because he was looking at her lips again, and leaning in, and she was closing her eyes…

They’d been kissing a lot this past week or so. She’d seen him pretty much every day, and they talked a lot when they were together, but they always found long stretches of time for this, too. Billie let herself get caught up in it, as she always did. She wondered for the millionth time how anyone ever got anything done when they could do this instead. She uncrossed her arms, finding it a bit awkward to put them anywhere now that he was so close again. After a little while of this, Billie pulled back to kiss his neck instead, drawing a little line from his jaw down to just below his ear.

Phillip smiled at her mock protest in the moments before he leaned in to kiss her but remembered to stop just before, recalling what had happened earlier. No matter how often they were kissing lately (which was a lot) it always felt like something new was happening. Or about to happen. The suspense enticed him but it was Billie that kept him coming back for more. When their lips met it was like his mind let go and his body took over. He turned toward her slightly, their knees hitting but he didn't let it slow him down. Even though it would have been easier if they weren't sitting, (the thought of other ways they could have been occurring to him vividly), Phillip had no plans to stop. They would make it work, it was like one big experiment, figuring out how their bodies fit together and the Ravenclaw was willing to test the variables.

The arm closest moved behind her and he set his palm on the cement of the porch, balancing his weight on it while leaning into her. His other was still on her knee inching ever closer to that hemline as he started the trail over again. They'd kissed enough times that he was starting to understand what she liked but also he was still so curious about it. Wondering where she liked to be touched, wondering if he'd ever figure out how to kiss her neck without her laughing, wanting to check things off of his list. He tilted his head a little, instinctively, when she pulled away from him and starting kissing down his neck. Eyes closed, he felt goosebumps darted up all over his body, shooting from the sensitive skin on his neck and down his arms and legs. He squeezed her thigh a little, not realizing it, as he sucked in a little breath and surrendered to the feeling.

Phillip was unaware of the world around them, of the aching in his lower back from sitting at such a strange angle, nothing but this mattered. He wanted so badly to go further than this, to explore, but he felt stuck in this spot. No good way to find new skin, and so completely in public, and it was frustrating. When there was an opening the teenager changed the pace. Trying something new his lips found the bottom of her ear lobe and Phillip teased it faintly in between breaths. Kissing her there was another checkmark, but he was still delicate about it because it was so close to her neck.

Billie had been starting to feel sleepy, but when he squeezed her leg like that, she really didn’t want to be. She didn’t want him to go, didn’t really want to do anything else aside from for this for… the foreseeable future? Billie almost shook her head at herself; most of the time she considered herself a fairly reasonable person, but for some unfathomable reason, Phillip was into her too, and being around him – especially like this – scrambled her brain somehow. It was silly. Ridiculous. And yet whenever she did a quick reality check, it felt just as surreal to know that it was all actually happening. He actually liked her.

The teenager wasn’t sure why she was so ticklish, but it felt like all he had to do was breathe near her neck and she had goosebumps all over. It felt good, but at the same time, she had to ball her hand into a fist to stop herself from jerking away as his lips brushed her earlobe. She went very still, felt very tense, and then after a few seconds had to pull back just a little. "Sorry," she breathed automatically, feeling quite flustered. Billie fixed her hair. "Ticklish," she said unnecessarily.

Phillip had known it was a gamble when he did it, but he was inquisitive and curious, and just way too interested in kissing any part of her body he could get access to that even the little voice in the back of his head couldn't stop him from trying. When she pulled back giggling he chuckled, even though he was a little disappointed that he'd caused her to pull away his face didn't begin to show it. He smiled at her, shrugging his shoulders and leaning back to sit straight up again. It wasn't a bad sort of pause, and the teenage wizard was sure they'd be back at it soon enough, but he took a moment to catch his breath.

His eyes avoided the little silent alarm that was happening on his wristwatch. The little face of it slowly flashing green and making her glow a little bit, his hand still on her leg. He knew it was nearly that time, that was what the alarm was reminding him of, but he wanted to pretend that it wasn't. After she'd gone in late the last time he'd set extra notices because just one alarm had never been enough. "Well," He said softly, "Really wishing we could stop time now..." He whispered, still a little out of breath, and realizing how dark the world around them had gotten while he was distracted.