[october mp] we're still young, but we got older | phillip

October 2003

It had been some time since she had seen @Phillip Donnelly last. It had not been intentional, Eleanora had been surprisingly more social as of late, but between her part-time job, the settling into her apartment in London, and her interest in people in general, keeping up had become a more relative concept. It didn’t particularly help that Phillip at times felt like too much of a reminder of the past, the negative bit, and therefore more reason to stay away. However, throughout the summer, after she had returned to him some books he had lent her the previous year via owl, the two fell into a natural way of conversing and exchanged letters frequently. It at times felt much more comfortable communicating with him via owl rather than in person. Though Eleanora was quite fond of him, Phillip had become an intense sort of person right after the war, which in turn had made much of their conversation introspective. Eleanora might not have minded much if he wasn’t so opposed to her pretending everything was okay.

And she was, in her way, doing much better than before.

Eventually, the two agreed to spend some time together at her request though she hadn’t given much thought to what they would do or what they would talk about. It seemed like the right thing to do, catch up with an old friend she had been exchanging letters with, talking about how summer had gone and what had changed or stayed the same. Further, Eleanora wanted to thank him for helping her keep up with her schoolwork the previous year when it had been so evident that her mind was often miles away from school or anything related to it. She hoped that he didn’t feel as if she had wasted his time by choosing to leave Hogwarts. She would graduate, her mum would make sure of it, but wanted to do it from the comfort of her own home.

The two had agreed to meet at the center of Hogsmeade, right in front of the Halloween display near the Hog’s Head pub. Was Phillip old enough to drink now? She wondered as she waited, but could not remember how much younger he was in comparison to her. The years had been all messed up, with the coming and going right after the incident. Fiddling with the strap of the bag across her chest, she looked at the crowd of people until she spotted him.

And when she did, she waved, walked over to meet him halfway, “Lip!” she exclaimed with a smile, “I was nearly convinced you’d stand me up,” she teased, “How goes it, then? All excited and in the spirit of Halloween?” she asked, and just to tease him further brought her hands together animatedly, as if she were talking about the most exciting thing in the world. 

"Oh yeah, you know me, getting into the spirit of holidays is my thing," Phillip responded sarcastically, the roll of his eyes adding to the contempt he so clearly had for the Halloween festival in Hogsmeade. Sure he was happy they got to spend an extra day away from the castle because of it, and especially that he didn't have to help this year (perks of not being an acting Prefect), but other than that, he didn't much care about the "holiday" either way. There were people all over the village dressed up as scary monsters and creepy ghouls but not Phillip. His clothing was the same sort of thing he had been wearing every day: black jeans, a charcoal gray hooded sweater, and scuffed sneakers. It was understated, it was boring, and it was Phillip. He'd managed to magically repair the hole that was starting to form in his shoes' sole.

Sticking his hands forcefully into the front pouch pocket of his sweater Phillip frowned at the students that passed by them. They were shrieking with laughter, no doubt having just come from some haunted attraction or overflowing cauldron of candy, their joy irritated him. He hated being around crowds, in loud spaces, or at festivals, but he had agreed to come anyway. The typically grumpy loner was doing all sorts of things he might not usually do, and there was a particular blonde to thank for it. Billie was with her group of Gryffindor friends tonight, the loud ones and Phillip did not mind not being invited one bit. He had plans to spend tomorrow with his girlfriend. Tonight he had made plans with an old friend that had already graduated from Hogwarts.

Phillip's jealousy knew no bounds when it came to that.

He wished he could have had the freedom to come and go from Hogsmeade when he chose. To have a cool apartment in London, to be out on his own, but he still had a term to go. Turning back to Ellie across from him, he shrugged, dropping the cynicism for a moment and speaking once more, "Things are fine, Hogwarts is boring... which I guess I should be thankful for?" He half stated, half asked, considering the hellscape years they had experienced, Phillip very much preferred quiet boring terms at Hogwarts. "How about you?"

Eleanora smiled slightly, finding his sarcasm quite entertaining. She used to love the holidays, especially the ones where she could dress up. As a younger student, Eleanora often dreamed of one day becoming Prefect and forcing all the little kids to dress up in costume, though she’d hope she would only have to ask. She had been a social butterfly once, making friends with just about anyone for the sake of knowing people. She thrived in crowds, enjoyed the attention and all the conversation. These sorts of events were the ones she once lived for. But now, she wasn’t as enamored by the pumpkins and décor as she had been in the past. Now, she enjoyed time on her own much more than time with other people. But she figured it was a part of growing up.

“Boring is a blessing,” she reiterated with a nod. It certainly was better than their shared history, the war, the dome, the casualties; Eleanora honestly didn’t know how much more excitement a student could get. She had once heard one of the younger students comment on how exciting all of that seemed, how they had been sad for missing out. Maybe if she could disconnect her own reality from it, she’d eventually see the charm in chaos. If anything, it had made her wary of everything, and there was nothing worse than feeling like things could take a turn for the worst at any moment. “But can’t be that boring, right?” she nudged him a little. Eleanora didn’t know much about Phillip’s girl friend though she had come up once in a while, and she wasn’t oblivious to the telltale signs of romance. Eleanora lived for romance, found it extremely enchanting that people got together and dated at Hogwarts. She had too, but that was a story for another day. 

“Good!” she said almost immediately, the response one she had grown accustomed to giving. It was the ideal word to avoid further questions, but then she shrugged. Last time she’d tried this with Phillip, they’d gotten in an argument over it. “Well…” she paused, “Ehh—better?” she tried, which wasn’t entirely wrong. There were ups and downs, nothing worth crying over. “Moved to London at the end of term, absolutely love living on my own, didn’t come back, so that was a definite improvement,” she looked around them again. "Studying for the NEWTs, very boring."

“What’s good around here nowadays?”

Boring is a blessing.

It was a shame that their generation had to feel this way about something that should have been wonderful and magical. Hogwarts should have been a blessing. The education they were promised, the friendships, and memories were all tarnished by horrible nightmares of monsters and men. Phillip sighed, knowing they didn't need to talk anymore on the subject and that their shared silence would speak volumes. It was something he wished wasn't there, but was thankful for, the trauma they both understood all too well. Without saying much of anything, he knew she understood what he had meant.

Shrugging, he leaned up against the wall behind him and fought back the tiniest of smiles waging war to come to the surface. Most of the time, Phillip hated everything and everyone, but something different about him now. Something more hopeful, something the teeniest bit less grumpy, and if Eleanora was paying close attention, she might have noticed it. That tiny upturned corner of his chapped lips, no, it wasn't all boring.

"Well, no, not really," He said, giving very little away with his words as he slipped his hands into his pockets. The change in his demeanor was evident, his shoulders back instead of his typical cynical hunching over. But Phillip wasn't some teenage witch; he wasn't dying to tell his friends about his new girlfriend, because he kept those sorts of things to himself. Phillip was terrified that if he went around announcing it, he would give someone the power to take it away. That fate, bad luck, and the powers that be would rip the one good thing he had going from him would lose her. No, he stayed quiet instead.

For now, at least.

"Sounds boring," he mentioned; the wizard was a man of few words, which certainly hadn't changed. He could write volumes when it came to letters, not that he ever did, but he rarely spoke more than a sentence or two at a time. And even those were typically fragmented and distracted. Phillip pushed off the wall and shrugged again, was there anything actually good anymore? "Not Sugar & Spice," he warned, eyebrows furrowing as he remembered the sparkle induced allergy attack he'd had last time he walked into that place. It was a good idea, but Phillip wasn't the cheerful fellow who thought sharing a meal with a unicorn was a good time. "Unicorn and Thistle have a decent lunch menu," he offered, even though he wasn't entirely sure it was true. "How bout there?" He pointed toward the building, it wasn't far from where they were standing, and it didn't look all too crowded yet.

Eleanora was appreciative of his genuine silence, a pause in time that spoke volumes to the horrors the two teenagers had experienced, a moment of silence for those lives that had been lost. She wasn’t allowed to focus on the past anymore, especially not when that past went in direct conflict with her present. But how could anyone allow themselves to forget such deeds? It hadn’t been that long ago, and the aching in her chest every time she thought about those lives lost had not fully faded away. Eleanora wasn’t sure if it ever would. Not that the guilt she often experienced made things any better. It kept her up at night, thinking about how it should have been her, how her death would not have made as big of a difference in comparison to everyone else’s. But even then, Eleanora had been a coward.

She stopped herself from falling too deep into her own thoughts; her intention in seeing Phillip had not been to reminisce over their tragic past but to meet as friends who had an understanding of each other, one that they didn’t need to speak out loud to feel. His sudden change in demeanor made her lighten up, the idea that her friend had been moved to the beginnings of what seemed to be a smile bringing her the sort of second-hand joy she had been experiencing for quite some time now. “And that wouldn’t have anything to do with a certain girl, now would it?” she playfully poked into his side with her elbow, giving him a knowing look. Eleanora wondered how much he would tell her in person; his letters were relatively vague. “Unless, of course, thinking about Arithmancy’s got you all excited,” she teased. The answer was obvious, but Eleanora was not beyond having a laugh at her friend’s expense.

“It’s fantastic,” she reassured him, “No rules, no curfew, no homework, it’s absolute heaven,” she boasted, purposefully excluding the details that might have revealed how lonely she felt at times or how much purpose she lacked when she thought about her future. But Eleanora had a feeling they’d get to that later; Phillip had always had a way of unrooting the words she refused to say out loud for fear they’d become real. “Sure, but it’s my treat, and no, you may not fight me on it,” she insisted, though she wondered if he would have put up a fight anyway. She walked in the direction of the restaurant, which wasn’t too far off, “You didn’t have to cancel plans to meet up with me or anything, right? I don’t want you to miss out just to hang out with me,” she noted, hoping that she hadn’t interrupted a date or something. Eleanora knew how important these trips to Hogsmeade were, especially the themed ones, for young couples. She had been to Hogsmeade with River plenty of times.

"Well, I do enjoy Arithmancy," he replied dryly, but they both knew what really had him in better spirits than usual. It had everything to do with Billie, and it was more than evident. Phillip shrugged sheepishly, the tiniest crack in his armor showing threw like a little smile forming on his face. He hadn't told Eleanora much about Billie, other than her name and some very vague details, but he figured he'd have to give her more eventually. He'd spent enough time trying to doge Wini's endless questions this past summer that he knew reluctance was futile when it came to witches. They wanted details, they wanted more than one-liners, and Phillip just wanted the questions to stop.

On that same thought, though, he also sort of enjoyed the questions in a strange way. He couldn't explain it because it was so unlike him, but he finally had something good to talk about. Usually, jam-packed full of cynicism and lousy news, Phillip found it oddly refreshing not to complain about something. It was weird, but he kind of liked it. Of course, Phillip would never admit to this newfound feeling, not even to himself. It felt like betraying the person he had been for years, and Phillip hadn't been in enough relationships to know it was natural to change a little. To bend toward the other person, ever so slightly, like gravity pulling two objects together and off their original course.

Hearing about how freeing and amazing being an adult was, Phillip returned to frowning again. Turning seventeen had been great; he could travel as he wanted and go where he pleased, all summer, and then they went back to Hogwarts and was reminded of how small his world really was. Of how regulated their lives as students were, and it just made him all the itchier for the freedoms she spoke of. "Sounds great," he said reluctantly, though it was apparent he was jealous. He'd soon get there, but Phillip had been counting the days until graduation for the last three years.

"No, that's okay," Phillip began to protest, not really wanting her to pay for him, but realizing again that fighting it would be more hassle than it was worth. It had nothing to do with his wizardly pride or the fact that he knew her family was loaded (and that she knew he wasn't) and everything to do with the fact that Phillip hated to owe anyone anything. Even something as small as lunch. He'd figure out a way to pay it back this afternoon, he promised himself, and they began to walk.

"No, not missing anything, Billie is with her friends today. We're hanging out tomorrow, though," Phillip paused, shaking his head as he realized he'd fallen right into her trap and offered up more information about Billie without meaning to. Giving in, the seventeen-year-old finally gave Eleanora a bit more information. "She's pretty popular in her year, I think, lots of friends I don't know the names of," For lack of trying, really.

Eleanora was in love with the idea of love. It was things like relationships, especially the unexpected ones, that really got her interested in the love lives of other people. The young witch had not been in a relationship in a long time (mostly due to personal reasons, though last summer she had seen a bit of hope) but still remembered the butterflies in the stomach sort of feelings a young couple got when they were first dating. It was obvious that Phillip and Billie were still in the honeymoon stage of their relationship. Still, most teenagers never really left that stage, and that was alright, Eleanora figured, especially if it meant that someone like Phillip had someone to rely on. Naturally, Eleanora became even more intrigued by this mystery girl and wished she had paid more attention the previous year because she might have been able to ask more about her directly. Or maybe she had seen her; she wasn’t really sure. “Sure, you do,” Eleanora teased, “But hopefully not that much,” she added with a knowing smirk.

It might not have been his topic of choice, but it was a much better topic than her “adulthood.” It was a topic she could only talk about for so long before she started to think about all the things she didn’t really like about living on her own; the insecurities, the occasional rabbit hole of “what ifs,” or even just how lonely the flat sounded with one occupant. She often considered getting a roommate, but since Andy came during the breaks and she was much more comfortable with him around, Eleanora had not gone through with the process. Either way, her new job worked wonders and ensured that by the time she got home, she was ready to sleep and little else.

“No protests, Donnelly,” she insisted and was incredibly pleased when he didn’t put up a fight. She might have defined their roles by stating that it was her obligation as the adult here, but even when they joked around, which was really rare for someone like Phillip, it was quite evident that he was the most mature out of the two. By leaps and bounds. What Phillip had suffered was not something anyone left without the scared that aged you. Even if Eleanora had suffered much tragedy of her own, she knew her place and respected it. Phillip was probably going to be a much more successful adult than she’d ever be, and while that had been a bitter pill to swallow for some time, it was a matter of fact.   

She listened closely as they made it inside of the restaurant, momentarily distracted by the Halloween décor inside of the place, it certainly brought back many good memories but also many she’d rather forget. “You don’t get along with any of her friends?” she asked finally when they took a seat, “How old is Billie exactly?” she continued. Eleanora knew she was younger, but she wasn’t sure by how much. Though she got the menu first, she slid it in Phillip’s direction, “You choose, get whatever you want, I can eat anything.”

Phillip knew as soon as he opened the door even a crack, she would open it further. The wizard figured she would have questions, and he knew he'd hate to answer them, but he probably would anyway. It was not because he felt obliged to, but because he didn't want her to fill any gaps in her own. The least he could do was share the facts, even if he wasn't particularly good at communicating in general. Phillip wasn't a big talker when it came to things like this. He could muse all day about some obsolete bit of lost magic or the chemical composition of things no one cared about, but when it came to discussing his life, himself, and now his girlfriend, he was lost.

He didn't want to share too much, to give it away and make it less memorable, but he also didn't want to share too little, because he knew Eleanora had the right reasons for asking. He didn't want to accidentally betray Billie by somehow sharing something that was only supposed to be between them. And he didn't like talking about himself in general. Phillip was not a sharer, that was evident. Instead, he shrugged through the restaurant door and braced for the oncoming questions.

Slinking into a seat, he frowned a little more. "Don't really know them," the teenager replied; Phillip didn't make any effort to either. Phillip was a lot of things but a social butterfly he was not. He didn't want to hang out with her friends, he didn't wish for her friends to become their friends, and he certainly didn't want to be a part of their "click." He liked hanging out with Billie and Billie only, so when her friends wanted to get together, he typically made himself scarce. Besides, they were really loud. "She's a fifth year," Phillip informed Eleanora as he reached for the menu she was sliding over. Maybe he could hide behind it, or pretend to be distracted, but it would only last so long.

Even though the Unicorn & Thistle was a clearly Scottish restaurant, Phillip didn't completely hate it. Maybe because he had spent the summer living in London, instead of Keithcairn, or perhaps because he was slowly (glacially slowly) growing out of his dislike for anything not Irish, either way, he took a real minute to examine the lunch specials. "How about the roast beef?" Despite his growing maturity against hating obscure things without reason, Phillip made sure to drop the "Aberdeen" from the title when he mentioned the dish. Just for good measure. "Think they will let me drink?" He asked, not because he was big on day drinking, but because it was something he probably shouldn't have been doing during a weekend at Hogsmeade.

“Ah—” she smiled, “do you mean you don’t really want to know them?” she asked, figuring that whatever made Billie special was probably not a quality her group of friends possessed. Then again, she’d never known Phillip to have much of a gaggle of friend around him either, maybe he did when he was younger but that already felt so long ago. Eleanora did not remember much about her fifth year, things had been a little difficult for her then, afterthoughts related to the war and her family’s involvement had often been the sorts of topics that clouded her consciousness. “But I get it, fifth year girls can be a handful,” she added as an afterthought. It was a generalization and probably not a completely accurate one at that but it made sense to believe that most fifteen year old teens this time around did not have the sorts of worries that they had had when they were of a similar age.

“I think that River and I had all the same friends, which was weird now that I think about it,” she said it only because it felt like sharing her own experience made sense in this type of conversation. But the ache in her chest that came along when she said his name out loud had never completely gone away. At least now, she could think about their time together without falling apart. Her mum had always thought it was silly how invested she had been in a teenage relationship that was probably headed towards doom in the long run, at least that’s what her mum had decided. And maybe the woman was right, but she missed him all the same and dismissing their memories together didn’t really help her feel any better. “But I only ever minded it when we got into petty little fights because then our friends had a hard time choosing sides,” she grinned at the idea of the sorts of things they fought about.

But Eleanora did not let the thought consume her, rather, she focused on the other more important thing, like paying attention to her friend sitting across from her. “Roast beef is perfect, I haven’t had proper food in ages, been living off of Mexican and Chinese takeout for a bit now,” she confessed, “You’re old enough to drink now, aren’t you?” she shrugged, “I don’t think they’ll mind, as long as you’re not sloshing drunk by the time you got to go back to school,” she figured.

She’d snuck in a drink or two but normally while she was at the dorms and even then, nobody had ever noticed. It was always a rite of passage to drink underage and suffer the consequences but drinking at restaurants had somehow felt refined. “How drunk does someone have to get you to tell me all your secrets, Lip?” she teased. But Eleanora had already been impressed he’d given up as much information as she had. And the fact that he had opened up, even a little, only reinforced her faith in the idea that their friendship wasn’t all in her head. 

"Yeah, pretty much," Phillip responded without hesitation. It didn't take a genius to figure it out, and he wouldn't even mind if the fifth years in question knew it; he wasn't looking to make new friends. The Ravenclaw had a few friends, which was plenty; honestly, Phillip barely understood how he had the ones he did. He knew he didn't deserve Billie; she was way too good to be with him, and the rest of them also. Why Aideen, Eleanora, and Winifred thought he was worthy was beyond him. Phillip wasn't precisely good friend material. He barely cared about his own life, let alone anyone else's. Phillip didn't ask the right questions. He could listen, but he was easily distracted by whatever project caught his interest, and while he was intensely loyal, Phillip made it a point to avoid situations that called for it.

"That is an understatement," he said with a sigh, a bit of annoyance lingering on his tone. Rolling his eyes, Phillip continued, "They crash through like a tornado, I don't know how they have that much energy all the time," He shook his head, "But it's not just the girls, there is Killian too," It'd be hard to miss the tone of Phillip's voice bringing up the Gryffindor boy who Billie was becoming closer and closer with. It didn't matter that Phillip trusted Billie; he very much did not trust Killian, or pretty much any other boy. The seventeen-year-old wizard was obsessive, possessive, naturally judgemental, and a bit paranoid. Of course, he was worried, but he tried to hide it when he was around his girlfriend. He hid it less now.

He could have complained for a while longer, that was something he was fully equipped to do, but instead, he grew still when Ellie brought up River. It was a subject they had dared speak about a few times before, and Phillip was acutely aware of how much a loss like that could cripple, so when she ventured onto the subject, he became quiet and just listened. Phillip hadn't thought about the angle she was presenting, about if they shared friends that those friends might have to choose sides one day. Firstly, he had no interest in making friends and because he didn't want to prepare for a day when there was any sort of divide between Billie and himself. He thought about it, of course, he had, Phillip was pessimistic on a good day, but he tried not to. "But you guys grew up together, right, so you kind of always had the same friends?" Phillip asked, finally starting to form full sentences.

Bringing up food choices felt strange in light of everything they talked about, but Phillip was also relieved for the lighter topic. He was no stranger to deep thoughts and intense emotions, but it was far too early into lunch for all of that. "I am," Phillip told her with a nod, "Old enough to drink, old enough to apparate, old enough to know Hogwarts is a big old waste of time..." Listing off things with a tilted head, Phillip found it inexcusably easy to trash the academic establishment. Thinking about her question for a split second, he half laughed, half exhaled, and shook his head. "Very drunk," Phillip folded the menu back up and placed it by the edge of the table, signaling they were ready to order, if a waitress ever stopped by, and then spoke again. "But no one wants to see that,"

"Besides, I don't have any secrets." He lied.

Eleanora remembered Killian from the letters and couldn’t help but to smile a little at the way Phillip’s tone changed at the mention of the name. It was obvious Phillip was jealous of his girlfriend’s interest in the boy, though from what she had heard it sounded rather harmless. Eleanora couldn’t quite remember if she had been jealous of every girl River had spoken to but then again, she had somehow filtered through her memories and gotten rid of the ones in which she wasn’t happy. People did that when they lost someone, right? But Eleanora could never wish that on anyone so when Phillip talked about Killian it made her feel a little upset as well, knowing that Phillip didn’t deserve anyone leaving him behind, even if she wasn’t really away of the situation herself. So in order to avoid fueling this fire of jealous and what could turn into genuine hurt, she steered the conversation in a more positive direction, “She does sound very popular, I’m sure Killian’s just another part of the clique, too,” she added as an afterthought. Eleanora didn’t want to read into any of it and she didn’t think that Phillip should either.

“We grew up together, so I’ve known him—” she paused, no, that wasn’t right, “I knew him for a long time, was my first kiss and everything, probably wouldn’t have amounted to much after graduation, we weren’t like in love,” but it was hard to tell, everything had felt so intense when she was a younger teenager, “but just, very close,” she added, silently staring at her hands for a moment before remembering to look up at him and smile. “I dated Valentine after that, briefly, but couldn’t really get out of my head to enjoy it, thinking things would go terribly wrong,” she explained. Eleanora had already felt she had said too much but wanted to sympathize with him, for Phillip to know that she knew exactly how he felt, like someone or even something could bring ruin to this person he held so closely.

“Well very drunk might get you in very much trouble at school so we wouldn’t want that, no matter how old you are,” she teased, though she had momentarily forgotten that he was just as old as she was, that even though she wasn’t at Hogwarts anymore, she hadn’t exactly graduated, she had left because she couldn’t deal with it. Phillip was stronger than her, though. “Maybe after you graduate then, take you for a few celebratory pints for surviving that big old waste of time Hogwarts is,” she repeated his words only because she had found them terribly amusing.

“Everyone has secrets, Lip,” she noted, stopping to turn to the waitress, “The roast beef and a couple ales, please,” she said sweetly, giving the woman a smile before she left. “So, did you end up taking her to the movies?"

Rationally Phillip knew he should listen to Eleanora, but Phillip never did anything he was supposed to. He'd keep it to himself, but he was still as worried about the not-movie-date with Killian now as he was when he'd first found out about it. Phillip didn't like that it happened, it made him feel uncomfortable and cranky, and he couldn't shake it. Instead, he turned his attention to her story, knowing how vital River had been to her.

Unfortunately, Phillip didn't have to wonder how it felt to lose someone you'd known your whole life. He had experienced it; they shared that pain. It was different but similar, and enough that there had always been a sort of unspoken bond between them. Phillip didn't typically get along with people, and he certainly didn't like to make friends, but it had never been a struggle with Eleanora. They understood each other on some level and knew when to shut up when they didn't, which Phillip appreciated too. Despite her best intentions, Phillip fought with Winifred regularly, but he couldn't remember the last time he had argued with Eleanora. By the time she had finished, Phillip had agreed with every word. "How do you not focus on that?" Slumping a little in his chair, he crossed his arms in front of his chest, feeling defensive even though he had no reason to be. "Let me know if you figure out the secret," Phillip worried daily that something terrible was going to happen between Billie and himself. Regardless of the happiness he felt, the hope he'd let in, deep down, Phillip still believed that all good things would spoil eventually. That was fate.

"Yeah, Merlin forbid I get detention," he joked sarcastically and rolled his eyes at the thought. Phillip was no stranger to getting into trouble at Hogwarts though showing up piss drunk would be a new one. Even for him. He typically caused trouble speaking out of turn in class or correcting other students (sometimes even the professors). He supposed he'd have to deal with curfew rules again this year too, seeing as he wasn't a Prefect anymore. Shrugging, Phillip wondered what kinds of secrets she had when she spoke. The naturally curious Ravenclaw didn't like things he didn't know, and he was paranoid to boot, so he always thought people were hiding something. Even Eleanora could have been. It made him wonder.

"What are your secrets, then?" He asked, an eyebrow-raising, just before she ordered the food for them. After she'd ordered and brought up the movies, he began pushing his chair back on two feet idly. "Yeah, we did," He told her plainly, "I think we saw like six movies over the summer," Phillip had never been a huge fan of muggle movies, and that had changed. He was a fan of Billie, though, so he did whatever she wanted to do. "You should check one out,"

“How do I not focus on feeling that everything is going to fall apart?” Eleanora repeated but only because she needed a few moments to think about the right answer. If feelings were uncomplicated, linear things then she might have said something like staying positive. It was a phrase she had often heard from others when they reminded her that it was her negativity that was causing more damage than her reality. In the beginning, Eleanora had resented those that had decided that the solution to her problems was a matter of a mood change. But over time she started to realize that it was almost impossible for people to conceptualize the pain of others when they had not experienced similar pain themselves. Empathy and sympathy would only take you so far. And often times, people rarely wanted to hear you complain about your worries more than once. So, Eleanora had adjusted.

“It’s just a mind game,” she said conclusively, it was something she had been learning in therapy lately and had somehow helped her better understand it, “so I play the game to win, one move at a time, sort of like chess. The more I play it, the better I get at predicting the patterns and when I can think two steps ahead, I can sort of communicate it before it gets out of hand,” she offered. Of course, there was always the matter of how unloading on other people made it difficult for her to maintain relationships. “Things don’t always work out in my favor but I think that’s what makes us better than everyone else,” she leaned forward, almost as if she were sharing a secret no one else was meant to hear. “We know what disappointment feels like so it doesn’t hurt us as much as it use to,” she continued. Eleanora offered him a smile, she hadn’t meant for her words to have sounded so cynical, so she hoped he’d understand where she was coming from.

Her smile only widened at his comment, “you’re turning out to be quite the troublemaker, aren’t you?” she teased, wondering if his attitude was puberty or how he had changed after the war or both. Eleanora hadn’t become quite as vocal as Phillip had, rather, she had become introverted, spending most of her time deeply enamored by her own thoughts without any intention of snapping out of them. “My secrets? I’ve told you plenty of them! My middle name, about my exes, about how terrible I am at Arithmancy,” she laughed, “plenty to blackmail me with, that’s for sure,” she added. Eleanora wasn’t going to push him into telling her personal details about his life, she was already doing that asking about Billie, but she certainly wouldn’t be opposed to hear about them either.

“Six movies!?” she said, flabbergasted, “amazing, which one was your favorite? I suppose I can go to one, probably much more interesting than the theater, or the opera, Merlin forbid I have to sit through another one of those in the near future. But do you two watch like the comedy ones? Or maybe romance?”

"Yeah, I suppose that's true," Phillip replied, but his apprehensive tone of voice said something else. Were they more immune to disappointment now that they had faced so much of it? Phillip hoped that it was real. That he had some kind of built-in armor now, and it wouldn't hurt so bad next time. He always assumed there would be the next time. But part of him knew better than that. Some logical part of his brain kept reminding him that he wasn't as susceptible to it anymore because he had shut things that could potentially become disappointing out entirely. He had stopped taking chances or having hope, and for a little while, that worked. He couldn't lose something he didn't have. But now he had something to lose, and it was terrifying.

"Sometimes, though, I just don't feel like playing the game," Phillip confessed, leaning back further in his chair and looking anywhere but at Eleanora. He felt too strongly about what they were talking about to make eye contact. Just like Phillip shut himself off from opportunities to be happy, Phillip avoided emotionally connecting with pretty much everyone. It was better this way, he'd convinced himself. "Actually, pretty much all the time." Phillip shrugged, it was true, but he wasn't very often asked to play anymore. "I've got it better than you, though, I think, no one really asks me how I'm doing anymore. Which is completely fine with me," but it shouldn't have been. If not for Billie, Phillip could have gone whole weeks at Hogwarts without saying much of anything. He didn't really have many other friends, and he avoided social events entirely. Not that he was invited to much anymore.

"I wouldn't say that," Phillip said with another shrug, leaning forward to bring the two front feet of his chair back to the ground. "I'd say professors at Hogwarts are all too eager to assign detention." Blame everyone else was another rule in the Lonely, Cynical Teenager Handbook. "I mean, that's really not a secret," Phillip teased dryly when she mentions her skill in Arithmancy, and the corners of his eyes curved slightly.

Absently Phillip moved the menus back to their holder on the table and spun the salt shaker around a few times. "Yeah, it was a lot," He admitted, but he had still had fun. Not because he was particularly enamored with the muggle cinema, but entirely because of the company he was with. Billie made everything better. "Probably the pirates one," He told her without looking up from the salt shaker. Giving it a few more turns, it finally ended up toppling over on the table and spreading a bit of salt across the surface. Turning his green eyes up toward Eleanora, he answered her onslaught of questions.

"We saw some of each, I didn't really get a lot of the jokes in the one that was supposed to be funny. And the one that was supposed to be romantic was actually kind of tragic, but I think that was the point. Why muggles want to watch someone go through the pain of losing a loved one I will never understand." Phillip sighed and began sweeping the little pool of salt up with his tattered sleeve. He pushed it off the table and onto the floor without a second thought. And then, the waitress returned with their drinks. "Thanks," he said as he pulled his glass toward him and shrugged at Eleanora. "I think you would like them, not all of the romantic ones are sad, some have happy endings. You would like those, probably."

Deciding to change the subject to something he'd wanted to ask her about, Phillip folded his arms on the table and sat with his typically awful posture. "So, whatever happened with your mystery sibling?"

Eleanora noticed the way in which he averted his gaze, her eyes focusing on his hands while she listened to him explain himself. Distantly, she considered how far their conversations had come thus far, from a few well-placed words to more extensive ideas granting her a better understanding of who he was on the inside. “I don’t really think we have much of a choice,” she expressed sadly. The older she got, the less she felt in control of her interactions with others. There were sacrifices necessary; her therapist had once advised, to become a functioning part of society. “Lucky you,” she said rather flatly, making a face to show just how displeased she was to hear that. “you’ll have to tell me how you do it, my mum still reads into everything I say. It’s so annoying,” she wrinkled her nose in displeasure, the image of the woman’s concerned brow furrowing every time Eleanora spoke at the table wearing her thin.

“But Billie makes you want to play that game, and that has to account for something, right?” she added, wondering if she too, under the right circumstances, might find it easy to open her heart to someone. Eventually, she would have to, no matter how reserved Eleanora had become, she was much more afraid of dying alone. But the young witch had always been much more enchanted with the idea of love than with the actual work a person had to put into a relationship to make things continue smoothly. The honeymoon stage was her favorite.

“The professors are probably just as bored as some of the students, I’m sure that detention is a good way for them to feel useful again,” she half-joked. Only having gone to detention once for sleeping in class, she didn’t have much experience with it. But much of the events that happened right after the dome had faded, making it difficult to distinguish between what had actually happened and what series of events made the most sense in her head. Eleanora laughed at his joke, even if it was at her own expense but didn’t have a witty remark of her own. It was times like this when she missed Hogwarts and contemplated whether her life would have improved for the better if she had returned. But between graduated friends, Phillip and his girlfriend, and Andy and his, Eleanora did not think she’d have much of a social life. As for making new friends, well, she felt much too old to do that too.

“I don’t know—” she sighed a little, romance and sad endings were topics she still felt a little sensitive too, “I still think sad endings are more realistic than happy ones, at least the ones where the couples defeat all odds and ride off into the sunset,” she offered. It had been a scene she had seen in one of her moving picture books as a child. It hadn’t made much sense then, and it certainly did nothing for her now. “Lately, I’ve been very interested in mysteries, like magical ones,” she added, figuring that that topic was much safer.

“Kai?” she asked almost immediately, realizing soon after that she had never really told him much about what had happened. “That’s his name,” she backtracked. “He’s really cool, unaffected…he seemed mildly surprised I’d just show up at his work, but we had some tea and a bit of a chat, our lives are so different, though. I still don’t know how to feel about it. I suppose it doesn’t matter now; everything’s been said and done. I want to get to know him, but I worry that my mum’s feelings would be hurt. Why I even care? I have no idea, but what would you do? In my situation, I mean?”