[october mp] we're still young, but we got older | phillip

They didn't have a choice, just like so many other things, and the idea of that deflated Phillip some. He hated being told what he could or couldn't do. Hated that he didn't have control of his future, at least, not yet. One more year and he'd be graduated and on his own. He'd be able to decide what was next and what wasn't. It was almost... inspiring to think about, which was a lot for the pessimist. Phillip shrugged when Eleanora mentioned Billie making him want to play the game. It was true, he hadn't wanted anything until Billie, but did that mean every aspect of his life and attitude had changed? He tried to think no because it sounded so needy and desperate that his entire world now revolved around his girlfriend, but he knew the answer was a resounding yes. Billie had changed everything for the better. "I suppose," He offered Eleanora, which was a lot more of an answer than he would give anyone else.

"As if they were ever useful to begin with?" He said, an eyebrow jumping; it was evident that Phillip didn't think so. The professors were useless in his mind; even worse was the curriculum; Hogwarts was a sham. Phillip was relieved when the conversation moved from Hogwarts and back to things that were less frustrating to talk about. Phillip could not wait to get out of school, but repeatedly beating the thought against the wall wasn't going to make the time pass any faster.

"Mysteries, like, murder mysteries?" He asked, "Or like horror stories?" He wondered if she was the sort to read scary books. Phillip didn't care much for fiction, but he did understand how it was useful. Not that he'd ever take another perspective into account, other than Billie's, he could see why some might need far-fetched stories to help them sort through their own.

When she said his name Phillip nodded sharply,  the name sounded so foreign, but he was reminded that the wizard wasn't from England—mulling over a large number of things she had said in a short time, Phillip paused before replying. "Have you talked to your mum about it? Maybe she would understand your need to get to know him. He is your half brother, after all," Phillip's head moved from one side to the other, like the thoughts were bouncing back and forth between his ears. "What about your other siblings? Have they met him?"

If Phillip had changed after he met Billie, it was subtly and almost unrecognizable to the average person. But upon closer inspection, Eleanora could sense that the girl had only managed to make him a little more fatalistic than before. It sounded much worse than it was; in reality, Eleanora used her sense of impending doom to measure how much she cared for a person. The higher the anxiety, the more afraid she was to lose them, the deeper she had fallen. The witch was aware that the method, one she believed she shared with Phillip, was unhealthy and just demonstrated the number of unsorted feelings she still had towards the topic of loss and grief. But at the same time, it was nice to feel something sometimes even if those were feelings she was supposed to never want to feel at all. “At least you know that you are capable of caring for someone else, sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever be able to do that again,” she noted. It was a brief glimpse into her thoughts but one she moved on from just as quickly.

His comment brought back a smile to her face; those people had done nothing more than to tell her what she already knew, offering little phrases of encouragement as if it meant anything at all. Just stop worrying, everything will be okay, they’d shrug off as if she were crying over a poor grade in course work rather than the loss of the boy she had already elevated to love-of-my-life status. Eleanora sometimes wondered if her feelings would have changed or if she would eventually grow out of feelings for River and move onto someone else, but then she was bitterly reminded that he had not lived longed enough for her to figure those things out. It was a dark thought.

“Both,” she confessed, “though lately murder mysteries more so than pure horror,” she explained. This was a topic that she could talk about for hours. It had been reading stories that had distracted her from the things she did not want to face, her own reality.

“No, mum would be furious,” she said almost immediately, “he’s the “bastard” child born out of a little wanderlust and lack of inhibition, he’d bring shame to the Lovecraft name,” she added sarcastically, rolling her eyes in the process to show just how ridiculous she found that way of thinking to be. “I honestly don’t know why she’d care, we’re only Lovecraft's because of father and it’s his child. He ought to take some responsibility for his actions,” she continued, pausing her little rant when the woman returned with their roast beef and two ales.

“Thank you,” she smiled politely. Taking her fork and knife and intending to eat everything she intended to eat with them, she returned to the conversation at hand. “Andy hasn’t met him yet though I ought to tell him soon,” she started, “and as for Morgana, there’s no way I’m telling her anything, she’d tell mum right away and I need her to give me some space, I want to figure this out myself,’ she explained. “But maybe it isn’t any of my business, is it? Is it odd for me to want to get to know him better?”

Phillip gave Eleanora a look, knowing he should have told her she would be able to find love again but unable to find the words. Hope and positivity weren't in the cards for Phillip Donnelly, so it was hard for him to express that to other people. Even when they deserved it, and Eleanora certainly did. Instead, he remained quiet as they moved from one conversation to the next. Books were far easier for the Ravenclaw to discuss, and while there was emotion in books, there wasn't quite so much personal vulnerability. "I like mysteries," He added, it was a useless bit of information, but at least he was still participating in the conversation. "Speaking of horror, are we going to that haunted house?" Phillip didn't want to go, but he was pretty sure that was why they were meeting in Hogsmeade instead of just writing like they had been the last few months.

Hearing that she hadn't told her brother and that her mum would freak out if she found out, Phillip nodded. It was a lot easier to listen than to offer any advice on the matter. What did Phillip know about illegitimate children and protecting the Family Name? He was the last Donnelly, but that wasn't nearly as romantic as it might have sounded to someone else. Phillip was the only one left; there was nothing to protect anymore. "That isn't weird at all; you should get to know him if you want to. That is your choice." Phillip finally joined the conversation, his voice as serious as ever, as the food was dropped off on the table. Phillip thought she should learn more about Kai if she wanted or completely ignore him if she wanted. It was whatever she wanted. But he also thought it was as much Kai's choice as it was Eleanora's, and it was not at all up to her mum.

Eating quickly, Phillip grew silent for a moment. He never wasted time when it came to meals, eating was boring and a nuisance, and it often led to Hogwarts' socialization. The quicker he could eat and get out of the Great Hall, the better. "The truth will come out eventually, though," He said in between bites, "It always does,"

Eleanora did not have much to say in the way of mysteries just yet as she had gotten into a couple of books over the last few weeks but had yet to finish them. After the incident, the witch struggled to concentrate on things like reading and when it came to books about crime or horror, her mind would often wander to more unpleasant thoughts. Her head would play tricks on her, replace the characters in the novel with the ones in her own narrative, make her think about the horrible things she had witnessed or heard about. In some instances, she would even see people she cared for but were completely unrelated to the situation. She occasionally had night terrors, though those had died over the course of the year, the therapy and related potions helped for the most part. But she shook those thoughts away, not wanting to get consumed by feelings of the past when she was sitting across from another person. Eleanora wanted to stay present. 

“Definitely,” Eleanora said enthusiastically, managing to give him a smile, and at the same time trying to convince herself that she would be fine. It had been an off-hand thought that came to mind when she remembered that Hogsmeade did something every year around the holiday. Watching the costumes and decorations had been plenty of fun. A long time ago, she had loved going to the haunted house with her best mates. She wanted to believe that things were better now, that if she could read mysteries without her mind wandering, if she could function as a member of society then going to the haunted house was just as well. It was a risky step in the right direction, she hoped. “Haven’t you been yet? With Billie I mean,” she wondered. 

Eleanora pushed her food around her plate a little with every intention on eating it but did so rather slowly, she found that she wasn’t hungry after all. More importantly, she was pleased that Phillip was encouraging her to follow her own decision rather than that of her parents and it made her remember what a good friend he had been all of those years. "I know this probably sounds odd but thank you,you know, for not telling me to just take the easy way out, to just do as my parents would want me to, you haven't any idea how much I hear that sort of thing," she expressed sincerely, taking a sip from her ale before she looked at him again. 

"But we've been talking about me for much too long, tell me about school. What's your favorite class so far?"

"No, not yet," Phillip answered with a shrug, purposefully not making eye contact with Eleanora when she asked about Billie again, and took a bite of his food. Phillip was a fast eater, faster than anyone he knew, so he had to consciously slow down so that he didn't finish too soon and have to sit silently (and awkwardly) waiting.

"Not a big fan of doing things the easy way, if you haven't noticed," Phillip half-smiled, being cynical and self-deprecating in a single breath, and continued, "Especially not if some lame adult is telling you to do so," Phillip did the exact opposite of what he was told more often than not. He didn't do it on principle; it wasn't just because the authority told him not to, but because he was clever enough to know that if he wasn't [I,]supposed[/i] to do something, it was probably worth doing. The Ravenclaw had learned more from forbidden books than he'd ever find in his Hogwarts textbooks.

"Eh, school is school," Phillip said, clearly disinterested in the change of topic and that she had turned it back on him. For a pair that hated to talk about themselves as much as Eleanora and Phillip, it was a wonder they ever had a full conversation. Yet, somehow, they always seemed to. "Arithmancy probably, but only because the professor isn't a total twit, and I like math," Phillip answered about as enthusiastically as expected before shrugging again, forgetting to slow his eating, and finishing his plate quickly. He set the fork down, wiping his mouth with the napkin provided with the cutlery, and then put that on top of the plate too. "I'll be glad once this year is finally over,"

"I've got a mentee now, too," He said with a groan, leaning back in his chair and sliding his hands into his pockets. "Some new program this term, the professor told me to join because it would look good on the ministry application packet, but it is such a waste." Phillip knew he was the problem, but that didn't make him hate the fact that he had signed up any less. "I got paired with a second-year Gryffindor, the little witch can't be more than four foot tall, but her attitude is through the roof," He sighed, knowing Eleanora would probably not take his side on this if she knew all the facts. Still, honestly, if the situation were reversed, Phillip wouldn't take his side either.