[hogsmeade] haunted pages ; the letters in between { phillip }

Her small hands on his chest sent a shockwave through him, reminding him who he was talking to and that he was stupid for even being upset in the first place. It was different from all the times she'd stood with him this way on Kendrick's porch over the summer. And it made him take a beat. He looked down at her, finding little comfort even though she said all of the right things. She was telling him exactly what he wanted to hear, and even though Phillip believed her, he couldn't help but still be upset. She had never lied to him, and he knew she wasn't lying now, but it didn't matter.

Phillip looked away from her for a moment as she continued to speak and apologize, and then his green eyes found hers again. Locking onto her gaze, Phillip dared to say what he had been thinking for the last few weeks. He had tried to push it down, pretend like it didn't bother him even though it did, and it had only made it fester and grow. "The other things? Like the fact that you spend more time with Killian than you do your own boyfriend?" Phillip's voice was low, she was standing so close now, but his cold, accusing words were far from emotionless.

Billie’s lips parted in anticipation of responding, or possibly just in shock, she wasn’t sure. She wondered how long he’d been sitting on these feelings. How long had she been doing something wrong without even realising it? It hurt her, she realised, to be accused like this. He hadn’t said anything more than the very basics of the accusation – that she’d spent a lot of time with Killian (more, he’d said, but while she didn’t think that was true she wasn’t going to hold it against him) – but the rest was there in his tone. Still, her hurt came hand in hand with guilt; this wasn’t about her.

She felt like she should withdraw, like he might not want her touching him. Her first thought was steeped in disbelief – did he think that she… liked Killian as more than a friend? Did he think she didn’t like him? How could he…? The answering thought came swiftly, and not without judgement; perhaps she was just a bad girlfriend. If he didn't feel like she cared about him most, if he didn't feel important, then didn't that indicate she'd done something wrong? Something to convince him otherwise, or at the very least, not enough to convince him of the fact?

"Philip, Killian and the others," she started slowly, making sure to group Killian with the other Gryffindors in her sentence, making sure to say Phillip's name in full, "you know I care about them – they're my friends." Just, she added silently. She willed him to understand the depth of her words. Her hands slid tentatively up to his shoulders, and she kept her eyes on his. "But I don't want to be with anyone like I want to be with you," she said quietly. Her throat was tight now; she felt like she might cry if he didn't soften at her words, her touch. "I love you," she breathed.

Phillip felt the slightest bit of tension ease when she called him by his full name. She was the only one who ever did, well, the only one he let, and it still felt special when she called him Phillip. Her hands were on his shoulders and he desperately wished he hadn't said any of this so that he could wrap his arms around her waist. It would have been so easy, he could have just not said anything, and they could have been making out by now, and everything would be right in the world. But nope, he had to be Phillip, and he had to ruin it. Wincing when she followed his name by saying Killian's, Phillip frowned. Of course, he knew she cared about them, Billie cared about everyone, Phillip didn't understand it, but he knew it was true. He just wished she cared about everyone else a little less.

"I love you,", she said it and Phillip felt like the wind was knocked out of him. Like his heart was in his throat and he was absolutely going to go to hell for being such a jerk to this perfect witch who, even though he didn't deserve it, had decided somewhere along the line that he was worth caring about. "I.." he began, wanting to apologize, to take it all back, to start over, but he faltered. Phillip paused, nodding as he had just won some internal battle with himself, and his eyes met hers again.

"I love you too," He finally spoke, and wrapped his arms around her waist tightly. "I'm sorry," He felt better having said it, but there was a nagging voice in the back of his mind that still felt slighted by how much time she wasn't spending with him now. He tried to stomp on the voice, to bury it in the back of his mind, and it'd work for a little while.

I…

She shook her head slightly, though she wasn’t sure why exactly. Maybe because she needed him to know she didn’t need him to say it back? Maybe because she was nervous about what he might say? It was something that had felt very true for Billie for a very long time, if she were being honest. She’d felt it since before they’d gotten together, even. But, like everything, she didn’t need him to feel the same way; she’d love him regardless.

She still held her breath until he spoke. There was an immediate wave of relief inside her when the words left his lips. As soon as his hands were around her waist, her own hands slid down her chest so she could bury herself there for a moment. She squeezed her eyes shut for a second, pressing herself into him, feeling all kinds of things. Thankful, maybe – incredibly lucky, certainly – relieved, too. She almost felt like crying.

“Don’t apologise,” she said into his shirt. She pulled back far enough to look up at him again and reached up to touch his face. “I’m sorry,” she said, meeting his gaze for a moment so that he knew she meant it, before going up on her toes to press her lips to his.

Phillip held onto her tightly, realizing he should have just told her how he felt before it had turned into a big thing and promising himself that he would do just that in the future. She deserved his honesty and openness, and Phillip wanted to give that to her. Billie was the only good thing in his life, and if he weren't careful, he would push her away like everyone else. The teenager could not imagine a life without Billie Fay; even starting the thought made him feel sick. He sucked in a relieved breath when she accepted his words and melted into him. He wished it was always like it was during the summer, just the two of them, but he had to come to terms with the fact that it wouldn't be. It could never be that way, not while they were in school, and deep down, Phillip already knew that.

Hanging on to things that were gone was his specialty, though.

"You don't need to be," He told her, tucking a loose strand of blond hair behind her ear as she pulled back from his chest. He searched her eyes, hoping he wouldn't find any anger lingering there, and smiled when she touched his face. Billie was kind, too friendly even, and the last thing he had meant to do was make her feel bad for being a good person. Not everyone was antisocial like he was; some people even craved human connection, friends, responsibilities. It was a weird idea to the wizard, but he was smart enough to know Billie was one of those people.

Phillips's hands moved to Billie's sides, pulling her closer to him as she brought her lips to his, and he closed his eyes as they kissed. This was how it was supposed to be, peaceful, and calm, and just them. Pulling away briefly, Phillip smiled, even though he was so angry before, and now he felt exhausted, he was exhilarated by the words they had just shared. "I love you," He whispered, pausing, and then returned to kissing her.

Her heart was still beating so hard in her chest, and she couldn’t shake the sense of urgency their strange interaction had summoned inside her. He hadn’t ever talked to her like that before, and she didn’t want to do anything that would make it happen again. Quietly, she made a mental note to go over everything later; she was too full of nerves to do it now.

She shook her head again, just slightly, when he said that she didn’t need to be sorry. It was all a little intense and confusing for her, but whatever hurt he’d been feeling hadn’t been feigned, and it had to have come from somewhere. Still, his gaze was intense and she matched his intensity, hoping her feelings shone through, especially when words didn’t quite get across what she wanted to say. She curled her fingers into the material of his shirt when he kissed her.

“I love you too,” she said when they drew apart again, a hesitant smile appearing on her face in response to his.

“I love you too,” Amidst the mix of emotions he was failing to navigate through, Phillip held onto these words. He let them repeat over and over in his mind because he knew, in the end, that was all that was supposed to matter. It was a naive way to think about it, that love could conquer everything else, and it was uncharacteristic for someone like Phillip, but Billie did that to him. She gave him hope in the dark, made him believe things really could have a happy ending; she was the only comfort he had.

Phillip didn't want to let her go yet, so his arms remained wrapped around her, but he did lean back enough to see her face as he spoke. "Do you still want to go to Hogsmeade?" He asked, hesitating slightly before continuing, "I don't mind either way," Phillip never really wanted to go to Hogsmeade; it was usually crowded and annoying, but he wanted to be with her, and that was why he had agreed in the first place.

“Er,” Billie glanced away from him for a moment, catching her reflection in the window beside them before looking back at him. She had some things that she’d wanted to get on this trip, but she didn’t really want to go to the village.

A moment ago she wouldn’t have wanted to change plans; now she felt a little more empowered by the way he was looking at her. Billie still felt anxiety writhing in the pit of her stomach, but she gave him a tentative smile, choosing to trust in the whole thing – him, them – to keep her safe. She craved his approval, and for the moment, she had it. She didn’t want him to feel like that ever again, and didn’t want to be on the receiving end of his disapproval, either.

 â€œMaybe we could just walk,” she suggested gently, looking past him, back the way they came.

"Yeah, let's do that," Phillip agreed with her and pushed out an awkward smile. He could tell she was still nervous, and he was still feeling a little agitated, but he wanted all of that to go away. There was some comfort now, and he felt a little better, but they hadn't really resolved anything. Deep down, Phillip knew they hadn't, but he chose to ignore it anyway. They had figured out enough, they both wanted to be here, and that meant a lot.

Phillip pulled away from her but only slightly as he reached for her hand. The teenager gave it a gentle squeeze as they began to walk. It was colder now that the sun was nearly gone, the air was crisp, but Phillip didn't mind it so much. He had always preferred winter weather to summer. It was strange to think that this would be his last winter at Hogwarts.

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Her suggestion was taken well. “Okay,” she said, nodding as if it had been his idea. She tried to smooth her expression, to keep the anxiety away – at least while their gazes met, like now. She didn’t want him to think that she was worried, unless the worry confirmed that she cared? In which case perhaps she should be more explicit about her thoughts?

His hand slid neatly into hers and she felt herself exhale a silent sigh of relief. Billie nodded, turning with him as they started heading back lazily in the direction of the castle. She squeezed his hand back and rested her other hand on his arm too, before relaxing a little and trying to be less clingy. It would be okay, she thought. They’d be okay.

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