[brighton] tonight, i'll sleep with demons in my hair || kai

It had not really bothered her until he said her name, a heated whisper against the side of her mouth, that she realized exactly where she was and who she was with. Eleanora hadn’t caught a name earlier that night, had made herself promise that she wouldn’t get into it with anybody—just have fun—and that she’d leave in a couple of hours right back out of the door, down the street, and into the comfort of her own apartment. It had been part of her self-improvement, a several months long project to remove herself from the feelings that interrupted her day to day life.

She had grown tired of the overwhelming pressure in her chest every time she had a moment to herself, had outgrown the tether of the experience that had been holding her back for years, and yet, struggled with finding the momentum to move forward. So occasionally she would wander out of her comfort zone pretending that delving right into something like a gathering, or a party, or anything replete with chattering faces would somehow produce the results she was looking for. It had been a scene she had gravitated before. Social intercourse was never simply unlearned; it thrived with practice. Everyone knew that the only way to quit thinking about the past was to ignore it existed in the first place.

And yet, here she was, kissing another man and thinking of River, almost as if she believed that if she closed her eyes and imagined hard enough, she’d be able to bring her deceased boyfriend back to life for a few minutes. That it would be him kissing and touching her, and not some stranger she had managed to fool into believing she was interested. After a few drinks and a potion, a stranger had given her promising a good time, Eleanora became interested in anybody, it had to be part of her charm.

Eleanora had lost what felt like hours by the time she had arrived at Kai’s door, staring at it blankly for several moments before she realized where she was. It was a thing, an occasional one, where things in her head felt so overwhelming that the fuse in her head would burst and she would sit in mental darkness. Eventually she would find her way back, realizing she had traveled from one place to another, or had spent days in a mind labyrinth she couldn’t quite get out of. And then the overwhelming surge of emotions would die down to a simmer, waiting for the next opportunity to overwhelm her.

“Kai,” she said softly, not realizing that she had knocked on the door until she looked up and there he was. Why was she here again? She had written a letter and he hadn’t gotten back, and for some reason that very address had imprinted itself into her head and her body followed. Eleanora could feel it again, that storm raging inside of her chest that threatened to throw her into a deluge of tears, whatever composure she had held onto within lost time had all but disappeared. She took a shaky breath, “Can I just--do you mind if I just--” What was she trying to say? “I can’t be by myself right now.”

@Kai Kimura

Kai jumped at the knock – loud and irregular.

He was quite still for a moment as if, with patience, he could wish it away. Then it happened again. What the fuck was the time? Certainly far too late for spontaneous visitors. Kai ashed his joint in the glass ashtray beside him before swinging his legs from the windowsill so he could land on his feet as he hopped down. He leaned his guitar against the wall, then made his way down the hall. The joint was still hanging between his lips as he opened the door, but when he saw who it was, he plucked it out, holding it down to one side.

“Ellie.” There wasn’t a question in his inflection, but the confusion in his tired expression was clear. He looked instinctively over her shoulder, half-expecting there to be other surprise family members behind her on the landing. It seemed like the kind of thing she’d do. He hadn’t replied to her letter. It was still there, on his kitchen bench, in a pile of unpaid bills and newspapers and notes and whatever other random paper shit he’d accumulated. His first thought was that she was here because of that somehow.

It was a mistake to give her his home address. He’d thought it as soon as her letter had arrived – only a few days after they’d met, a couple of months ago. He’d told himself he’d get around to writing her back, but he hadn’t even gotten as far as sitting down with some parchment. It wasn’t just the letter shit, though; if she’d turned up at his work, why wouldn’t she turn up at his house? He shouldn’t have given it to her. “What?” he asked, a bit distracted as he looked back at her, meeting her teary eyes with his tired ones.

Why the fuck was she here? And why the fuck should he care? She looked like she was about to cry; he frowned. “Are you…” He leaned forward slightly, tilting his head to the side, trying to get a good look at her eyes. One hand was firmly on the door frame, his feet just behind the line between his carpeted floor and the wooden floor of the landing. She smelled like alcohol. “Are you... on something?” he asked.

Eleanora had not given her next move much thought; she wasn’t really even sure why she had appeared at Kai’s doorstep rather than her own, or what she expected him to do that she couldn’t do on her own. While the witch was not above depending on others when the circumstances called for it, this part of her was kept hidden for good reason. What would her parents think of her if they knew she was falling into old patterns again? How would Andy and Morgana react? And yet, the first person she had thought of seeing was Kai. Deep down, she knew that the two of them were not friends, they were barely acquaintances, and yet here she was standing at his doorstep as if he was the only person, she could confide in. As she realization began to settle in between the cracks of her anxiousness and volatility, she hesitated even further.

“I’m really sorry for coming over unannounced, I really shouldn’t just show up like this,” she muttered softly, overwhelmed by her own feelings but suddenly feeling judged for not following social convention. It was not as if the two of them had not spent enough time together to warrant a visit in the middle of the night like this and yet, Eleanora could not think of anyone else to turn it. There was nothing as terrifying as feeling hopeless in a situation like this one and it drove her mad.

How would she tell him? What would she tell him? Her heart was racing in her chest and her cheeks felt warm, but she wasn’t sure if it was her nervousness or whatever potion she had taken earlier finally revealing its effects. “I guess,” she said slowly, trying to remember what it was she had taken and coming up blank, “I’ve been drinking, too?” she noted, though the end of her sentence made it sound like she was looking for confirmation rather than reaffirming the things she could remember.

“And there was this guy and I should’ve known it was going to be this way--” she started, running both hands through her dark hair as she tried to make sense of what had happened. She let out a breath, trying to calm down, feeling on the verge of breaking down at any moment. “I’m sorry I should just go home now,” she muttered quietly. Eleanora wasn’t really in the condition to apparate but that wouldn’t stop her from trying to go home if he turned her away.     

– shouldn’t just show up like this

“No shit,” Kai said flatly. He had no idea what the time was; he’d been getting stoned on his windowsill in the dark, alternating between picking at his guitar strings and straining his ears for the very faint sounds of the ocean one could only hear from here when there weren’t any cars on the road. So. One or two? Maybe later, a little closer to sunrise? He’d been writing earlier, but hadn’t been able to go to sleep when he’d tried. He hadn’t been sleeping well lately.

Still, there was no malice in his tone, or in his expression. He nodded when she said she’d been drinking. She smelled like a shitty teenage party, now that he thought about it. Cheap alcohol on her breath, lingering cigarette smoke in her hair. “A guy?” he prompted, frowning as he watched her fold in on herself a little. She drifted away; he wondered if she was coming back. He glanced over her shoulder again, just to reassure himself that she really was alone. He sighed. Then he stepped back.

“C’mon,” he said, nodding inside. He ignored her apology. She was clearly not in any position to care about him smoking, so he took another drag as he ushered her in, closing the door behind her, making sure to lock it. He followed her up the short hall, glancing down at her shoes as she walked in but not saying anything. “Here, sit down,” he said, nudging her to his low couch.

His living room was small; not amazing for entertaining guests. There was a plant on the windowsill he’d been sitting on, a woven seagrass mat that felt spongey underfoot on the floor, a mirror leaning against the wall. He didn’t have a bookshelf, just a pile of books against the wall beside the couch. Everything was neat and the place was clean. Kai’s living space tended to reflect his state of mind; when he was more healthy, things were cleaner and simpler in his home.

“You want me to take you home?” he asked over his shoulder. He left her for a moment, crossing the hall to his kitchen to get her some water. He glanced at the pile of papers on the bench with just a touch of guilt, then grimaced as the cup he was filling overflowed. He turned off the tap, then went back to the drunk teenager in his living room. “Here,” he said, passing her the cup and crouching down beside her. He hadn’t turned a light on in the living room, but the hallway light was bright enough for him to search her eyes again. She looked like she might have a bit of an emotional breakdown or something, but she didn’t look like she was going to pass out, or lash out, or have a heart attack, so that was good.

Satisfied that she didn’t require immediate medical care, Kai sat down on the ground, resting his elbows on his bent knees, forearms hanging casually in between. He put his joint out with his fingers. “How the fuck did you get here, anyway?” he asked gently. “Why here?" His prompting was a little kinder now, like he didn't really need or care for the answers. He just wanted her to talk a little.

Though Eleanora could not hear it so blatantly in the way that he spoke, his words made her shrink a little, the idea that she had somehow upset him lingering in the air and making her feel even more tense than she had been when she first arrived. In retrospect, if he was angry it was completely justified. It was not uncommon for someone like Eleanora to assume closeness that did not exist. Her therapist had once suggested that she sought parents in other people because her own had been such poor support systems. In reality, Eleanora simply wished to feel close to someone and Kai had somehow fallen in the line of fire. She really did need to make more friends. But thinking about how poorly developed her social life was only made her hyperaware of what she was lacking and in turn, even unhappier with the state of things.

She hesitated when he moved back to allow her in, slightly confused by the gesture as she had expected him to simply send her home. Eleanora was a mess, obvious in how disheveled her appearance was and how a never-ending stream of tears had used the remnants of her mascara to path a road along her cheeks. “I’m sorry,” she muttered again as she followed him into the house, her eyes focused on the floor rather than on her surroundings. Once she felt more like herself she’d probably berate herself down with even more shame than she felt now. This wasn’t the sort of impression that she had wanted to leave on him. Eleanora wanted to be the one to welcome him into the family, not be the one reaching out so quickly for help, it made her feel like a child.

She slowly shook her head at his question, hearing him leave the room but much more comfortable staring at her lap for a little while longer, as if she held answers there that could otherwise be unseen. Eleanora only dared to look up when he passed her a glass of water, which she held delicately, almost terrified that she’d drop it, and took a small, tentative sip. It did little to abate her rapidly beating heart but it would do.

Eleanora took a small breath, trying to organize her jumbled thoughts a little better to start talking, or at least attempt to make coherent thoughts, but she just felt a little numb. “I had you address in my pocket, I guess,” she explained quietly, reaching into her jacket to pull out the piece of parchment she had received from him months earlier. She shouldn’t have simply shown up. “I guess I’m not sure,” she added. Had she apparated? Had she walked? Had she dared to take muggle transport? The latter didn’t seem to make sense. “I didn’t even realize it until I was at your door, and I suppose I just didn’t want to go home…” she confessed, her brow furrowing just slightly.

“You didn’t write me back,” she stated, it was a sudden thought that came to her mind. Her tone was neither accusatory nor judgmental, it simply was. “May I ask why?”

He almost snorted at the phrasing, amused that she was like this, even when she’d taken god-knows-what and was clearly trashed. May I ask why. He shook his head, the amused smile remaining. “I… Yeah.” Suddenly Kai found himself wanting a cigarette, but not quite badly enough to actually get up and find one. He glanced at the half-joint in between his fingers, then leaned back so he could put it on the small table beside the TV. Waste not want not, and all that.

That day had been a bit much for him. He’d gone home with Anthony-fucking-Goldstein, for fuck’s sake. He counted the months silently in his head. When had they met? September? – Shit, had it been August, even? Three months then. “Didn’t mean to leave it so long,” Kai said. He felt a touch of guilt, but was comforted by the fact that she was clearly not all too present. Being in this role – talking someone down, staying with them – wasn’t exactly new to him. Leaning into the familiarity of that part was helping. He gave a small shrug, his smile faded now. “Guess I wasn’t ready.”

Her letter had very politely asked to schedule a meeting with her little brother Andy, and Kai had been putting off replying because he’d been putting off thinking about it. He was an adult now – shouldn’t he meet with the older members of the family before the kids? Did her parents even know they’d met up? She didn’t say either way in her letter, and the whole thing made him feel like a child, so he’d just put it off until he had the mental space for it. Which was… never, apparently. Kai was grateful, now, that he’d been smoking before she’d appeared on his doorstep. Despite all of this complex shit, he felt pretty relaxed.

“It was a weird day for me,” he added, thinking about Tony again. “Sorry.”

Eleanora wasn’t really in the state to appreciate what he was saying, but rather, she heard what he had said as words strung together slowly, and it took her several minutes to sort of comprehending what he meant by it. The witch had not felt particularly ready for a brother she knew nothing about, but she had adjusted just as quickly, had effortlessly integrated him into her thoughts and plans almost as if she had known him all along. Retrospectively, she realized how outlandish her accommodations had been.

She was upset and did not understand what her father had done nor recognized how her mother had been dealing with it but hadn’t taken the time to process any of that. Eleanora was accustomed to unpleasant situations at this point in her life and had been told to grow up or to get over it for so long, that it had become second nature to relegate important things to the back of her mind where they might learn to leave her be. Things wouldn’t hurt her if she didn’t think about them, and so she didn’t think about where Kai had come from or how Kai had become part of her life but rather that he was there. He existed.

But now that she was here, halfway out of her own head and more aware of the room she was in, Eleanora attempted to see things from his perspective. However, it wasn’t long before she trailed back to her own understanding of the situation when she came to the conclusion that things only hurt her if she allowed them to hurt. Even so, the painful realization that she could relate to nobody outside of her own little bubble felt too real right now, and suddenly she wanted to drink more to forget about it.

“It doesn’t matter,” she forced a smile because it did matter to her, but it felt impolite to say so. “Just because I show up in your life one day doesn’t mean you ought to do anything, really,” she added. It was something meant more for herself, but it felt good to say it out loud. “Was it weird because I owled you? I thought that when you gave me your address that’s what we intended,” she explained slowly, finding it hard to put together sentences without pouring her feelings into each one of them. But she wanted to know, what had kept him back, to better understand him, or maybe to scold herself. Or some combination of both.

He frowned in the darkness, his eyes straining as he watched different things flit across her expression as she spoke. Hurt. Resignation. Confusion. A watery smile. It doesn’t matter, she said, but that was obviously a lie. It was so clear to him all of a sudden that she’d been raised to accommodate other people. He had to admit he sort of hated that. A part of him marvelled at how different they were. Blood relatives – only half, but still – but so completely and utterly opposite in so many ways. He wondered again what it was exactly that she’d taken tonight, making the mental note of one possible similarity between them.

“I think... I just needed more time,” he said quietly, his voice low and honest. “To process it all.” It was a proper answer this time. He glanced away, towards the hallway. He’d left his glasses somewhere – maybe the kitchen – but it was too dark to matter. Kai decided that he needed to approach this a little like he was at work. He liked helping, he was good at it. She was younger than him and seemed so naive; he just needed to treat her like a kid who needed help.

He shook his head when she asked about the letter writing, looking back at her. “Yeah, no it’s fine that you wrote me,” he said, waving one hand impatiently. No, he thought. It was a weird day because he’d met a sister he’d never intended on meeting, and then because he’d gone and fucked his ex. Even that part had been weird; it was over two years now since he and Tony had been together, but they’d fallen asleep in each other’s arms like there hadn’t been a gap at all. Thinking about it made him feel unsettled, and confused.

And then there was the whole fascism thing – hadn’t Anthony said her family was full of racists, or something? Actual Death Eaters, or at least Death Eater adjacent of some kind? “Dark Lord” supporters? He couldn’t remember; he’d tried very hard to steer away from that topic once it had come up. He decided to do the same thing now.

“I got really drunk that night,” he admitted – perhaps trying to connect with her. He wondered why she looked so sad; she’d mentioned a guy (red flag), but he was reluctant to mention that again, because she hadn’t answered him the last time he had. Kai rubbed his bare arm, eyes wandering over to the radiator on the other side of the couch. “Are you cold?” he asked. “Might put the heater on.”

Eleanora suddenly felt guilty for demanding something from him even though she had never asked for it plainly. It was obvious in her actions that she wanted to figure out what was to happen between them rather than giving him the time necessary to adjust. She had taken time to process the information, and though he had known about their father and his other family, deep down Eleanora knew that there was good reason for him to stay away.

But the young witch was full on when it came to emotions and often fought to balance what she wanted with what she was supposed to want. The more separated she became from her parents, the more tumultuous her feelings became to the point where she couldn’t control them as well as she had been expected to before. Had Kai met her several years ago, he would have come across a demure girl that was extremely wound tightly with social expectation, now it was equal parts expectation and paranoia that ruled her day to day life.

“I understand,” she said after several moments, having added a lot more to that thought in her head that she wasn’t yet willing to express openly. Though Kai did not seem the type to judge her, he did work with troubled youths after all, she felt bad for even wanting to express her thoughts. She feared she would burden him and it was the last thing she wanted to do. At the very least, she did understand where he was coming from, very aware that coming to terms with things, particularly devastating realities, took time, a lot of it and it varied from person to person or from thing to thing. Even though it had taken her about a week or so to process her father’s infidelity, it was taking her years to get over her boyfriend’s death and it all felt terribly unbalanced.

At least he seemed to be okay with her writing him, even though he had yet to respond. Eleanora would not push the subject; it was only far to wait until he was ready. “I’m sorry,” she lamented after he confessed to drinking excessively that night, feeling at fault for it all at once, “I shouldn’t have done it like that, I obviously wasn’t thinking,” she said quietly, drawing her knees closer to her body and pulling her sweater over her knees, it was a childish gesture but it made her feel safe, and it was warm. “If you’d like,” she smiled softly, feeling significantly calmer in his presence and much appreciative of it, but her feeling simmered sometimes before they’d suddenly boil over. The coast wasn’t clear just yet.

“I got really drunk too,” she added as an afterthought, “Tonight, I mean, things have been a bit of a mess in my head lately, did the drinking help?”

He shook his head when she apologised, dismissing a need for her to apologise but not really having the energy to give her his perspective on it. The heating, though. Kai nodded and pushed himself slowly to his feet. He stretched his arms over his head, then let them fall to his sides. Right. The switches were just in the hallway, so he stayed within earshot as he stepped out of the living room. It only took a second. Mindlessly, he ran his fingertips over the radiator in the lounge room as he stepped back in, though of course it wasn’t hot at all yet.

A mess in my head lately. He understood that. He nodded first, but slowed to a stop in the second half of her sentence, one hand resting on the doorframe beside him as he considered his answer. “Probably not,” he said after a moment, one corner of his lips tugging in the hint of a smile. “Mind if I…” he gestured at the empty space on the couch beside her; the ground was fine, but she didn’t look like she was going to be leaving any time soon, so he might as well be comfortable.

He could tell that she wanted to hear more about his night – the night after they’d met – and he wasn’t sure if her interest had more to do with her presence and impact in the story, or the fact that he’d gone drinking to cure his problems; maybe she just wanted to relate. “Met up with an ex is all,” he said with a slight shrug, sliding into the couch beside her. Despite the fact that she had several layers on – and he was in a sleeveless top – she looked quite a bit colder than he felt. He reached behind him for the throw over the back of the couch, then offered it to her. “A mistake, I think,” he added.

“Not at all,” she said almost immediately, moving over just a fraction to give him room if he needed it but also not entirely opposed to having a person sitting next to her instead of across from her. Conversations felt more human this way when she could sit next to the person she was talking to and sort of feel their presence. But Eleanora had also become accustomed to spending a lot of time by herself in the last two years, which might have accounted for the sudden need for people in her life once she had allowed herself the pleasure. She was still trying to figure out how Kai would figure into her life if he wanted to be in it, but for now, she felt safe in his company. Calm and a little more collected than she had been when she had arrived at his door.

Eleanora had had an ex, sort of, but her experiences with relationships didn’t seem to count considering that most of them had happened when she was in school. There had also been Danny but they had only gone on a couple of dates and in the end, it turned into decisively friendship territory, which was great for her because he really did make her laugh and was probably great for him because he had never gotten to all of her emotional baggage. No one really deserved all of that, no matter how much the witch actually enjoyed being in relationships altogether. But she wanted to find more common ground with Kai, learn to relate to him so that they could have a two-way conversation rather than just one in which she talked on and on about her feelings.

“What’s—” she started cautiously, not sure if he would give her the information or if he would feel offended she would pry in the first place, “Did you and your ex-girlfriend have a bad breakup?” 

He raised his eyebrows, a genuine smile appearing on his face. Was it cruel of him, to feel such an amused brand of contempt right now? He hadn’t mentioned anything last time, after all. Well, he thought distantly, at least he was a good amount of stoned to be having this conversation, this time. Enough that this was all very relaxed and even mildly funny to him rather than stressful. What would his father think, he wondered? His internal thoughts took on a sarcastic tone.

He nodded before speaking, still smiling a bit as he leaned in to hang the blanket she’d ignored over her shoulders. He folded his legs up onto the couch, leaning against the cushion, his elbow on the back, chin in his palm. “Pretty bad, yeah,” he said. “My fault,” he added after a beat, some subconscious part of him wanting to defend Tony for no good reason. Guilt, maybe. “We broke up... More than two years ago?” Had it really been that long? It didn’t feel it when they’d been in bed together a couple of months ago. No point dragging it out, though. “He was uh, my boyfriend for less than a year,” Kai added evenly, watching her expression. "Loved him though."

Eleanora pulled the blanket closer to herself, just about to say thank you when he continued talking and so she fell silent, intent on listening to Kai finally reveal something about himself that she had not known before. Eleanora could not remember what she was doing two years ago, it seemed like such a long time to really even consider part of her current timeline. Had she been in Hogwarts then? Or maybe, still lamenting over the loss of the one person she had loved more than anyone else? Had River still been alive, she would have never let him go. But that wasn’t the more intriguing part of the conversation, it was the ending part of his explanation that really made her stop and think. And what a reveal it was. A boyfriend, oh dear.

“Boyfriend?” she stated, though realized it sounded terribly narrow-minded of her to focus on that when there had been so much more to that statement. “I never thought that you—” she started, but wasn’t really sure how to finish that statement, either. “I didn’t know…” she said after a moment’s pause, the feelings jumbled in her mind but only because she couldn’t wrap her head around the thought that he was both a Lovecraft and had had an ex-boyfriend. It didn’t seem to make sense, not in the conservative, straight-laceness that was her life. Probably better she move on to a different topic.

“Why did the two of you break up? If you loved…him?”

I never thought that you –

In a different state of mind a conversation like this might piss him off, but tonight it was just funny. They’d only met once, for god’s sake, and she’d turned up at his house wired and crying. It wasn’t funny, but it sort of was, and that sentiment applied to everything right now. Including the way she could barely get a sentence out after hearing he’d fucked another man. Maybe especially that.

He nodded. Aside from their words the only thing breaking the silence was the vague hum of the radiator, which had started working – he felt slightly warmer. He spoke in a soft, low voice. “Half-blood, Jewish, boyfriend.” He could go on. Neurotic, anxious mess? Former teen revolutionary? “Lawyer?” he added, raising his eyebrows again, amused at the idea that such a thing could win him some points back from whatever disapproval floor Kai and his choices in lovers might have dropped him to.

He smiled again when she asked another question, glancing away this time as he wondered how he should answer that. He hadn’t seen Anthony for what, a year? And now he’d hooked up with him, left his keys there, crept out of his bed before the other man had woken up and was now justifying the relationship’s end to his… sister? Couldn’t be real. Kai sat up, squinting in the dark for his wand. He reached for where he’d left it on the floor without getting up. “You don’t smoke, do you,” he said. “Cigarettes?” It wasn’t much of a question.

He summoned a pack from the darkness (holding his hand up to catch the packet, but having it bump into his chest instead). “Do you mind if I do? I can vanish the smoke if it’s a problem.” He glanced at her for approval before fishing one out. He sighed. “Um, Tony. Right. Yeah, we broke up because, I guess... I'm not very good at relationships." It was a cop out. "I messed it up." Still not really good enough, was it? Admitting to such vague faults was so much more poetic, though, than telling her he'd... Well. "How about you?" he asked, leaning back against the couch again, looking at her. "Boyfriend?"

Though the girl didn’t want to judge him; not the interesting half-brother she had only met recently and wanted to bond with, it was difficult to separate her beliefs from those instilled in her by their shared parent. The Lovecrafts were conservative to a fault, which only meant that everything that differed from the orthodox was deemed wayward and thereafter wrong. 

But the thought of forgetting that little detail only made her think about it more; she barely understood the normal types of relationships, so how was she to understand this? And if her understanding of love was normal would she call his, abnormal? She didn’t know enough about the subject to pass judgement on it. And yet, here she had just called him abnormal. Even though she had never expressed it, she felt guilty regardless.

Of course, from the perspective of a Lovecraft, what followed after only formed a long list of concerns: he was male, foreign, not pureblooded, and possibly working for the British government, one that her family had taken issue with since their “beloved” heir’s mother had been taken prisoner. The woman had murdered someone, she had deserved it, but it was only something she could express in thought. This information she was given, too, was something she would keep to herself. When he asked if he smoked she shook her head. Once, a long time ago, Eleanora had tried it and decided it wasn’t for her.

But then again, most things that life offered weren’t for her either.

“I don’t mind,” she said, the phrase slipping from her lips without much thought as she continued trying to process what she was hearing and how she felt about it. It wasn’t bad, but it was different. “We’ve got that in common at least,” she started, looking down at her hands, “well not the boyfriend’s part—“ she added, though realized it was a poorly made comment so she paused to gather her thoughts. “I mean to say that I’m not very good at relationships either, so I do better when I stay away from them. “I can’t imagine you messing a relationship up though,” but how could she? She barely knew anything about him. “What happened?”