don't show up, don't come out | jae

"I didn't say that," he said, his dark brows pulling low over his eyes. "That's not what I meant," he added a little defensively. He didn't like when people put words in his mouth. It wasn't his fault that she took his question as an insult to her pride of whatever. "You didn't have to quit though," Jae pushed stubbornly for a reason he didn't really know. "It's not like you'll never fly again, right?" he asked, his eyes swinging to hers, half curious, half challenging. She was afraid to fly, she had admitted that already, but wasn't fear something you could get over. It wasn't that she couldn't do it, it was that she didn't want to. It was different.

Her nonchalance about quitting though, excuses about why she didn't have the time, bothered him more than anything. He pulled himself up into a sitting position, brushing the grass off his sleeves, giving his back to her a bit as he stared off at the hoops at the other end of the pitch. He hated when people lied to him and he knew her well enough to know that it wasn't really 'fine.' Or at least the Mavis he used to know wouldn't be find with it. And he wasn't sure what irritated him more: that she was lying or that she might as well be a stranger to him now.

"I call bullshit," he said without warmth and a careless shrug. "If you want to say that kind of crap to your friends, to your parents, whatever, but I don't believe it."

"It is not bullshit!" Mavis corrected, shooting up to sit next to him so that he could see her face and know that she was dead serious. Okay, yeah, it was all a lie, and even she couldn't pretend it wasn't. She tried, but Jae always saw right through her. It was like his annoying little superpower, and she had nearly forgotten how good he was at it. "Whatever," She huffed. Mavis knew she was wrong and that he was right, but she wasn't going to admit it. She might have been obnoxious, but she wasn't crazy. Crossing her arms in front of her again, Mavis huffed.

"I know I didn't have to quit; that was my choice. What should I have done Jae, tell me, if you're so smart, tell me?" She was talking faster than her mouth should have allowed, but Mavis was worked up.

Scrambling to get off of the ground, she stood and kept her eyes pinpointed on him, "I can't fly anymore, so what use would I be to the team?" She had been trying to avoid these thoughts for so long that it was like as soon as he opened the door, she set the house on fire. "I can't even get the bloody broom off the ground when I shout 'up!' at it?!" She was yelling now, but as she screamed, she pointed her finger at the broom, and to her surprise, the damn thing shot off of the ground and floated toward her.

Mavis stopped, jaw falling open, eyes wide, and watched as it tumbled back to the ground. Of course, Jae was right again. She could fly, she could do anything if she put her mind to it; fear was just a thing.

Her outburst shouldn't have surprised him, it was like Her Thing, but still he found himself turning back to gaze at her over his shoulder, his brows raised high. "Oh, it's not?" he asked, antagonizing, challenge ins his quiet voice. She was gearing up for a fight, he could tell, and that kicked off a similar reaction in him. "Yeah, it was. Exactly that. Your choice. You could have done something else, like, oh I don't know, at least tried to fly. Did you even ask for help? From your so called friends? From a professor even?" he asked, his words overlapping hers, his voice not becoming louder but rather more pushy.

As she scrambled to stand, he did the same, unfolding his long legs and standing so he didn't have to tilt his head back to look up at her. Jae met her gaze, the look in his eyes showing he wasn't backing down. "You can, you just won't," he emphasized, not believing her excuses no matter how much she shouted at him. She was getting louder and he was getting more obstinate and clearly neither of them had changed very much even though the things between them weren't the same because it was taking the same course it always did. Arguing, bickering, shouting, and then they'd go off on their separate ways, fuming. The only difference was when they were younger, they'd meet out on the playground, a place of truce. He didn't think they had that saving grace place anymore.

But all thoughts stopped, the words on the tip of his tongue that he was going to throw back at her silenced as the broom floated towards her. Of course, he couldn't have exactly predicted that but he didn't mind that it helped him win his argument. "See? You can, you just don't want to."

"I can't ask anyone for help, and I am absolutely not asking for your help!" Mavis shot back at him, her cheeks turning red from the exertion. At that moment, she wished that Jae knew everything. That she hadn't really told anyone she was still having nightmares, or that not even her big brother knew she was afraid to play Quidditch, but he didn't. And she wasn't exactly in an explanation without shouting kind of mood. Jae stood up when she did, but it barely registered. She was stomping her foot, throwing her hands around, and speaking in a very classic animated Mavis kind of way. Enough that her broom picked up on it, and when it rose into the air, she blinked.

Watching the broom fall to the ground again, Mavis let out a breath she didn't know she was holding and turned back to her old best friend. "What do you know?" Mavis shouted at Jae as her hands went to her temples. She was so frustrated. "Do you think I don't want to play anymore?" She asked him, closing her eyes for a moment as her fingers moved in small circles on the sides of her forehead. The Gryffindor used to live for Quidditch, just like he did, and without it, there was a giant hole in her Hogwarts experience. She knew she would regret quitting the team for the rest of her life. She'd look back on her Hogwarts years and avoid the black stain of letting her house down. But what could she do? She couldn't just get over it, Mavis had tried, and that just wasn't how these things worked.

"I wish I could," She said after a pause, her volume returning to it's typical too loud for inside voices but not shouting level, and she slunk back to the ground. "I don't know how to move past this, Jae..."

"Oh of course not, why would you ask for my help, you can't tell me the truth about anything right?" Jae shot back just as quickly, feeling defensive and angry all at the same time. His fists clenched at his side as his brows came down low over his eyes, his eyes sparking with anger. She always knew just how to push his buttons and somehow without even trying, he knew he had done the same. It would have brought him a little perverse joy to see her all agitated like this if it had been anyone else but her.

Shouting at him felt just like it used to and his reaction was immediate, quick, raw. "Clearly, not much," he said, sarcasm dripping from his tone as he threw back at her, his voice not nearly as loud as hers. No one could be loud like she could. "I don't know what you want anymore," he said, honesty bleeding through but somehow he managed to make it sound like an insult too. He hated this half-knowing her. Feeling like a stranger even though they hung out in the same circle and clearly she was ok with that, maybe even preferred it. He was cursed so he couldn't expect anything quite other than this acute torture.

But as she spoke softer and sank back down to the ground, old feelings stirred in his chest. His name on her lips in that tone made him press his lips together in a straight line before he sighed and took the few steps closer and sat next to her, a little closer than before. His arms hung over his knees, his elbow gently nudging her. He was quiet for a moment, letting the silence swirl around them before his low voice sounded. "Quidditch wouldn't be the same without you," he said and then quickly tacked on, "So we'll find a way." It was simple to him even though he didn't know exactly how to help her get past it. He racked his brain but this wasn't something he had delved into before so he didn't really know where to start.

"What does it feel like?" he asked, curious but also wanting to know more so they could face this head on. He wasn't sure when it had become an 'us' thing again, but for the moment, they weren't shouting at each other so he would take it.

Mavis wanted to keep shouting at him even though she knew it was wrong. When she was yelling at Jae, she wasn't internally tearing herself down for being such a wuss. It was a much-needed distraction, but it wasn't fair to him, even if she felt like he may be a little bit deserved it sometimes... "That wasn't my fault," She screamed at him, her hands on her hips when he brought back up the thing they had been fighting about for the last five years. They never really talked about it, so it was never resolved, but he tended to throw it at her in times like this. The idea that she had lied to him their entire childhood broke Mavis' heart, she hadn't meant to, and it would have been so easy to just apologize for treating him in that way.

Mavis was told to keep the secret, and there was no way she could have known that Jae was magical all along. And even though she knew it had hurt him when he found out the truth, Mavis was stubborn. Somewhere along the way, she had forgotten about his feelings and doubled down on the fact that she didn't think it was her fault. Mavis sighed again, rubbing at her temples like it was going to wipe this whole afternoon away, but when she opened her eyes, they were still there, and she was still afraid to get on her broom. "Me either," She said softly; Mavis wanted to fly, she wanted to play, but at what cost? Was she brave enough to pay it? The Gryffindor wasn't sure.

Sinking back to the grass, Mavis noticed the change in his tone, it matched her own, their little argument on its tailfeathers, and she pulled her knees to her chest. Jae sat close to her, and it reminded her of when they were kids, sitting in the backyard telling stories or on the kitchen floor eating afternoon snacks his grandmother made them, and it was comforting. Something about Jae would always comfort her once she got past the 'he is so annoying' stage, and she stopped being mean to him for no reason. Mavis was a mess.

"Quidditch wouldn't be the same without you," The witch couldn't tell him how much his words meant to her, but there was a sudden glossiness in her eyes when he offered to help her find a way to fly again. She turned to look at him but turned away quickly to dab at the corners with her sleeve. She wasn't crying; she was just checking her sparkly purple eyeliner, of course. Sniffling quietly, Mavis brought her chin back up, staring across the pitch, and Jae began to ask questions. He always approached things rationally, and she admired that about him. Mavis's version of making a plan was something akin to announcing a foolish resolution and then setting everything on fire a few seconds later.

"I can't really describe it, it's like... when I think about flying, about being back up there," She pointed to the sky before turning to meet his eyes, "I get this pit in my stomach, and my heart races and I feel like I'm going to pass out," The anxiety of not being able to do something while also beating herself up about it was starting to weigh on the teenage witch. Mavis was her own biggest critic; there was nothing Jae could say to her that she hadn't already said to herself, and worse. "Which sounds silly, I know, but I can't stop it from happening. I've tried just to get up there, but I nearly threw up last time." Mavis nodded, pausing, and then finished the thought with a playful smile.

 And don't you dare tell me to take deep breaths,"

Seeing the fight stream out of her definitely made things quieter but he didn't feel like it was a step in the right direction. He wondered if that made him crazy but sitting beside her reminded him of their playground days. In his periphery, he saw her glance at him but he kept his gaze ahead on the golden hoops at the end of the pitch. When he heard a sniffle, he had to steel himself not to look. She was crying? Had he made her cry? Their little tiff hadn't been anything more than what they usually did, but as she hugged her knees and tried to brush away the tears, he felt like a jerk. He really hadn't meant to start an argument, but at the same time, he hadn't really known how to stop it either.

He started pulling the grass out by the roots, his regret and guilt mixing in his head, even as she started talking. "Have you passed out?" he asked immediately as she mentioned it. He could imagine it instantaneously, coming down to the pitch only to find Mavis passed out near her broom. He couldn't decide if that imagined, potential scenario was worse than seeing her in Hospital Wing actually injured.

Jae had been about to reply back with a smart quip, but he caught her smile with her reprimand and it lessened some of the tension in his chest. He flashed her a grin, his eyes crinkling before he shrugged. Guess she knew him better than he thought. He felt the urge to get more information, learn more about this, how he could fix it for her, but he wasn't at the library and he didn't exactly want leave right in this moment. "You seem to be fine now," he observed, falling back to more questions. "So it's just when you're on a broom?"

Glancing over at her broom, his thoughts whirring around his head, he wondered how he might feel if he had been injured like she had. Would he have this visceral reaction to flying too? Was it just fear? "Are you afraid it might happen again?" he asked, sliding his gaze to her and wondering how honest she would be, both with herself and him.

"Well, no," Mavis answered, a part of her feeling defensive like he was poking holes in her story, and it was easier to act on that than the vulnerability she was feeling. "But it's not like its better to feel like passing out and not actually do it, I mean at that point, it's all gone wrong anyway," Mavis warned him not to tell her to take deep breaths, and the smile he gave her in return made her heart swell again. Like they were little kids again, somehow managing to mix friendly joking and stubborn arguments in one easy conversation. Jae and Mavis had always fought, it was like their secret handshake, but until Hogwarts, they had always been able to figure out how to find common ground again. It was like that floor had been ripped out from under them the moment they got to school, though. Mavis supposed a foundation built on lies was always destined to crumble, but it didn't make it hurt any less.

"Yeah, just when I'm up there," Mavis said with a shrug, pointing to the sky and then falling slowly to lay down on the grass. She stared up at the sky, her hands resting on her tummy, and blinked a few times. Was she afraid of it happening again? The Gryffindor wanted to say no, but there was no point in lying now. "Terrified," She whispered over the sound of him ripping the grass out of the ground. Mavis swallowed the lump in her throat, turning her dark eyes toward Jae, and remembering how she used to be able to tell him anything. Well, almost anything.

"If I freeze up there, it will happen again," She confessed; a part of her mind had rationalized her fear as a good decision. She was protecting herself, and the team, by not trying. If she didn't try to fly again, she couldn't get hurt, and if she wasn't flying, then she couldn't let her house team down—somehow, it made sense.

Jae shrugged a little at the idea of feeling like you’re passing out was worse than the actual thing, but gave her a little nod too. He couldn’t ever remember fainting, Merlin knows his siblings would’ve never had let him live that down so he guessed she would know better than he would. He almost wanted to experience it for himself just to test her theory, but all things considered, it wasn’t exactly at the top of his to do list.

His eyes tracked her hand as she pointed up at the sky and then he stilled completely at her whispered truth, looking over at her to see those dark eyes he knew so well full of.. fear? Vulnerability? It tugged at something inside of him.

“Well what if...” he started as he glanced between her and the broom lying next to her. “What if you fly with me?” Jae offered even though it felt like he had just flung himself off a cliff and he wasn’t sure if the landing was going to be a good one or not. “You know, just try it and see if flying with someone else gives you that feeling. And if the worst should happen I can make sure you won’t fall.” He said it, laying out all the facts, logical even as a yawning feeling nagged at the corners of his mind.

"Like... on the same broom?" Mavis clarified, holding her head up from the grass as she turned to look at him with apprehension. Something inside said it was a bad idea, that it would end awfully, and she began to convince herself that if she let herself try, she'd only end up finding a way to hurt Jae in the end. Rationalizing the crippling fear and letting it control her, she began to shake her head, but there was something in the way he looked at her that gave her strength.

Mavis was not a traditional Gryffindor, sure she was stubborn and self-righteous, but apparently, she had missed out on the bravery trait. If left to her own devices, she would have much rather read a book than go on an adventure, but Mavis was also a chameleon. Around her friends, she was whoever they wanted her to be, which was both good and bad. She tended to get into trouble with Magnolia and nerd out with Killian, but now she had the chance to mirror some of Jae's courage, and she desperately wanted to take it.

"You promise?" She asked, turning on her side so that she was laying in the grass but still facing him, her head propped up in her hand and her brown eyes searching.

Jae nodded slowly at her question, seeing something flicker in her eyes, but not quite sure how to decipher it. What the hell had he even suggested that for. He wanted to kick himself. He should have suggested that she ask Nola or Josie or anyone of her Gryffindor friends that she got along better with, he should have told her to read a book on meditation, he should have said anything else other than offer her a chance to reject him. He gripped handfuls of grass in his fingers and tugged at them, but didn't rip them out all the way as she was so quiet that the words on the tip of his tongue were there to take it all back.

You promise? He lifted his gaze to hers, to those dark brown eyes that were deeper than starless nights, and he nodded. "Promise," he said lowly but full of surety, without hesitation. He wasn't sure why she was trusting him with this, but he wasn't going to question it. Not when she was looking at him like that.

He nodded toward the broom and lumbered to his feet, stretching his arms overhead for a moment before glancing down at her. "Come on then, get up off your lazy bum and let's try it," he said with a slight smirk and a challenge in his eyes that he hoped would distract her from her fear as he offered her a hand.

Something about the way he promised, quiet but confident, reminded her of the old days. When she didn't want to climb down from the trees because getting up was easy, getting down was scary. Or when he'd told her pop rocks and soda wouldn't actually boil her stomach. It was just some made-up nonsense older kids used to scare us, Jae had promised, and he had been right. As much as it pained Mae to admit, Jae was quite often right about things. And if he made a promise, he kept it.

Believing in Jae and believing in herself were two very different things, though. While she felt confident that he wouldn't let her fall, Mavis wasn't quite so sure she wouldn't take them both down anyway. It was a risk, but the Gryffindor reminded herself to be brave. She had cried enough already. As if the Hufflepuff sensed that she needed one more little kick, he spurred her on playfully, and Mavis got up quick enough to punch him lightly in the arm. "I'm up, I'm up," she said, and for a second, she was that little girl again, trusting her best friend as she climbed out of the tree, and he caught her before she hit the ground.

And then she saw the broom, and all of her anxiety crawled back to the surface. Nervous energy-consuming her as she picked at the skin around her fingernails. "So, how does this work, exactly?" Mavis asked, stalling them for another moment by asking a question she could have figured out on her own.

Jae grinned as she got up and knew that glint in her eye well enough to dodge and feint, but not moving quite far enough away so she could land her light punch on his arm. He made a fist and swung it towards her face in slow motion, aiming for her cheek, moving slower than slugs, just like he had done a million times on the playground back in Hampstead. At the last second, he poked her cheek and then grinned, turning away toward the broom.

He stood over it as he looked over at her, waiting, watched as she picked at her fingers. Nervous. Hmm. And hesitation. "We get on the broom and fly, dummy," he said deadpan. He knew her tears earlier had been genuine, but the fear he noted in her eyes, in the tenseness of her shoulders made him rethink. Was this really a good idea. Merlin, who was he to show her anything about getting over fears. Why had he said anything in the first place. He was going to look a right fool when this all came crashing down on them, maybe literally.

But Jae was a realist. And what? She was just going to avoid brooms for the rest of her life? Give up a game she loved because of one incident? Not happening. "Come on," he said as he commanded the broom to go up and swung his leg over, nodding behind him so she could join him. "Stop dawdling." If she had wanted fluffy, cheerleader type of encouragement, she probably should've tried this with Nola.

"I am not dawd-a-ling," Mavis huffed, drawing out the word dramatically and proving Jae's point for him. She folded her hands over her chest, considered looking away, and then exhaled again. She was absolutely wasting as much time as possible before getting onto that death trap. Eventually, the little war in her mind, coupled with the way Jae was looking at her, finally spurred the Gryffindor forward.

"Whatever, fine." She breezed as she pulled her long black hair up quickly, spun it a few times around the top, and looped the little elastic band she always kept on her wrist around it.

Pulling the zipper of her jumper nearly up to her neck, the teenage witch gave the ground one last look, as if bidding farewell, before taking a deep breath and approaching the broom. Her hand on Jae's shoulder, she swung her leg over and fidgetted as she got situated. Finding the most comfortable way to share the cushioning charm on a single rider broom, she nodded. "Ready," She was not, and when he kicked the broom into the air, Mavis' sparkly painted nails dug into both of his shoulders.

"Yes, you aaarreee," Jae answered automatically, drawing out the last word just like she had, teasing her with a smirk. But he didn't look away she she fought with herself and he honestly wouldn't mind waiting for hours, as long as she wasn't fighting with him. Something sparked inside him as she finally gave in and he smiled at her as he turned to face forward after she tied up her hair, feeling her behind him.

It was a tight fit, if he was honest. The broom wasn't exactly built for two people and the closeness of it made Jae blink rapidly and exhale slowly as she laid her hands on his shoulders. Maybe he hadn't quite thought this through all the way as he felt her body against his back, but her voice at his ear made him nod, refocusing. "Let's go," he said as he kicked off smoothly, rising into the air with ease. His first instinct was to shoot up fast and hard, like an arrow to the hoops to guard and protect just like he would in any game, but he fought that feeling back and instead took it slow and easy, flying up so they were ten feet off the ground.

He glanced back at her, his chin touching his shoulder. "Okay so far?"