my errors in your scars; anxiety panorama { phillip }

“There’s no weaselling out of Christmas,” she told him, her tone mock-strict. She still felt a little high from the feeling of relief and resolution that had swept through her when they’d kissed against the wall. Her eyes slid momentarily back to the spot he’d pulled her (she’d pushed him?) up against.

Maybe we can spend a lot of time there.

“Maybe,” Billie teased, giving him a knowing look. Her small, playful smile threatened to become much bigger if he kept looking at her like that. She had to avert her gaze, glancing instead to the floor. The smile lingered, as did the red in her cheeks.

With her hand firmly in his, Billie started to lead them back towards the base of Ravenclaw tower. 

“I’ll probably have a lot of studying to do over the break,” she said after a few steps, unable to stop herself. The blonde gave him another look to make sure he knew that studying was the last thing on her mind — and the last thing on her to-do list for the winter break.

(Of course, there would probably be a little studying, but she’d already planned for it to happen late at night, after he’d dropped her home and they’d spent an hour “saying goodbye” (ie. making out) on the porch.)

“You should probably do some studying too,” she added sensibly, as they started up the tower’s staircase. “NEWTs and all.”

Phillip realized he’d go to a hundred of her holidays if it meant he got to spend more time with her like this. It wasn’t his ideal scenario, but it was a fair enough trade-off. He was reasonably sure they both understood what he wanted, but wanting it and making it a reality was very different. Billie had responsibilities, other friends, and a whole world revolving around her, and Phillip just had to fit himself into it. Or learn how to distract her better.

She led them toward the tower’s staircase, and Phillip felt a sense of relief. It wasn’t a finished conversation, and he had barely even budged on what he wanted, but they had reached some peace, and kissing her was always better than arguing with her, so he wasn’t going to break the moment. Phillip stopped calculating ways to keep her away from her friends and started imagining ways to get her to turn around again. Twenty minutes ago, he had been desperate for the solitude of the Ravenclaw common room, but now he wished they’d stay in the stairwell a little longer.

“I will,” He said, but they both knew he’d do the bare minimum when it came to studying. “Eventually…” NEWTs and the rest of the world could wait. Tugging on her hand as Billie climbed two steps above him, Phillip waited for her to stop and took one step up. Just like over the summer, Billie was a step above him, clearing some of the height distance between them, and Phillip kissed her again. He was less cautious this time as if the kiss they shared minutes ago was permission to be bold right now, and his hands moved to her waist.

“Wish we could stay out here a bit longer….” He mentioned between breaths and kissing her. Away from everything else was the only place Phillip ever wanted to be, and they had found some tiny sliver of it here. Phillip was desperate to hold on to it. He imagined if he had managed to remain a Prefect, they could have had more moments like this. Just another missed opportunity, another thing to regret, but Phillip didn’t think about that now. His thoughts were only about Billie, now.

“Good, good,” Billie answered, not convinced that studying was even remotely near the surface of his thoughts right now. “I’ll help you,” She assured him, giving him another small smile. Study incentives was on the tip of her tongue, but she was an iota short of the confidence for that kind of flirting. Well, maybe a little shyer than that, but either way. She kept the thought inside.

“Mm?” Billie made a small, questioning sound as he tugged her, distracted as she was by her own thoughts. She turned around to find herself more level with his face, his body right up against hers. “Oh–” she said, but the sound barely made it past her lips before he was kissing her again.

Billie felt a little alarmed, just like before; anyone could come up or down the stairs and find them here! But the worry melted away as she melted into the kiss. His hands moved to her waist and she felt a flutter in her stomach.
Very briefly, the teenager entertained the idea of pushing him up against a wall again. But... the only walls were on either side of them... and she’d probably have to step back down again to do it... and his feet wouldn’t fit side by side on a single stair...

“Just… a little…” she replied, feeling breathless.

Falling back into their private bubble was easy. Everything was simple here. There were no exams or assignments or Billie's friends to bother them. They were free. And Phillip so desperately wished they could stay here forever. Maybe not right here on this step, but just stay just the two of them forever. It was selfish and irrational, but he wished it anyway. Pulling her toward him, Phillip's hands pressed against the fabric of her blouse, and he remembered the softness of her skin. Billie spoke, and Phillip smiled; they were on the same page about this, at least.

For a little longer than was probably appropriate, the teenager kissed his girlfriend. Other students, teachers, and passing by ghosts be damned (though he had not heard anyone nearby) and finally pulled away. Cheeks red and out of breath, he ran his hand through his hair and smiled at her. It was like the dinner debacle had never happened. And for that brief moment, they were back on the porch, in the summer, just the two of them.

"Okay, okay…" Even though she hadn't asked, he answered and nodded, almost as if he was working hard to convince himself. "We can go," Even though he didn't want to, Phillip nodded toward the stairs they both knew they'd have to climb eventually.

He smiled into their kiss, his hands bunching up the material of her blouse, and she knew she’d said the right thing. Billie felt awash with relief. This part of their relationship had always been incredibly easy, she thought. Instinctive and communicative and safe, even if she felt nervous about certain aspects each time there was a new element. As he kissed her, her thoughts wandered forward in time, to the December break. It wasn’t far away now, she thought, and despite his discomfort and his reluctance to let her do anything for him, he’d let her give him a place to stay for winter. She didn’t have to wonder why that thought was cropping up now, with his lips on hers and his hands on her body.

Talking was so difficult, sometimes; Billie was a fine conversationalist, but she didn’t always know the right thing to say, or the right way to shape herself around the wants and needs of the people she was with. When there were a lot of people, and especially when there were conflicting wants, she tended towards feeling a bit overwhelmed. Asserting herself was almost out of the question, and putting her own needs first a foreign concept.

But this was easy.

Billie made a sound of protest as he pulled back. She’d messed his hair up while they’d been kissing; he ran his hands through it but it didn’t make it any better, and she couldn’t help but smile at that. He was flushed and short of breath, and she was sure she was the same. Her hands slid back down his chest and she wished for the millionth time they weren’t at school.

“Okay,” she breathed, copying him. She had half a mind to just keep kissing him; he didn’t look like it would take much to sway his mind, and there was something oddly alluring about that. “Okay,” she said again, laughing at the silliness of it. She still felt a little shaky, a little overwhelmed from the stress and the semi-resolution. It felt resolved, to her, and she felt giddy from it all. Billie slid her hand in his, giving him a teasing look as she tugged him up the stairs.

— end —

All Phillip wanted to do was to hold on to her, to this moment, because he knew come the morning everything would go back to how it had been lately, and he selfishly wanted to avoid that for as long as possible. He wanted to keep her hand in his, or his hands on her, and he wasn't picky. And he certainly wasn't interested in going up to the Ravenclaw tower where their housemates would be getting settled in for the night. Of course, going back down the building and possibly running into one of her Gryffindor friends was an even worse option. No, Phillip would like to stay right here for a while.

And Billie's repeated words made it seem as though she felt the same way, and something about that made Phillip smile. Like his heart had skipped a beat, or he'd realized again how much he was in love with her. His feelings for her were consuming him, but he didn't mind. She was his entire world, and he liked it.

And he liked the way she looked at him as she pulled him toward the stairs. Phillip followed quietly. When Billie looked at him like that, he was certain he would have followed her just about anywhere.

/end