iridescent | billie

Early December 2003

Even though it felt like a thousand years ago now, it had not been that long ago that Phillip was studying for his Defense Against the Dark Arts OWLs. A lot had changed in two years, and now he had NEWTs to worry about, but revisiting the old coursework proved immensely beneficial. Not only because it helped refresh and solidify the knowledge he’d need for his seventh-year exams but also because it afforded him extra time with Billie. The young witch was exceedingly busy these days, with Prefect duties, studies, and a gaggle of new friends Phillip would rather not be around. Seeing as he was a terrible Prefect when they gave him the badge, and her friends seemed to hate him, studying was the only dual-purpose way he could edge in extra time with his girlfriend.

The Ravenclaw’s nose had been stuck in one of Billie’s books for half an hour now as he waited for her to join him in one of the empty classrooms on the third floor. Magically highlighting passages with the tip of his wand, Phillip was careful not to cause any lasting damage to the text. Phillip’s book bag had fallen off the desk some time ago, and the canvas flap flipped open as another stack of books and parchment threatened to spill out on the stone floors. Hunched over, sitting on the desktop, Phillip had the book in his lap and his shoes on the chair. A mix of rain and snow fell outside, clumping on the stained glass window behind him and sliding messily down the panes. It was after class, before dinner, and (as long as nothing had changed) before Billie’s Prefect shift.

Despite having to wait, Phillip was trying to be patient. It was difficult, especially as his paranoid mind started flooding with what-ifs. What if she wasn’t coming? What if she was studying with Killian instead? What if she forgot? Billie wasn’t the sort to intentionally hurt anyone, and deep down, Phillip knew this, but that never stopped the worry. Dark blond hair, too long in the front, fell into his eyes as he reread the same passage three times and told himself she would be here soon enough.

@Billie Fay

How was it December already? Billie lamented how quickly the year was going as she made her way down a few stairs and turned sharply to her left, her hands wrapped neatly around the strap of her bag. The past few months had absolutely flown by, and Billie was feeling the pressure of time passing too quickly. Her mind was constantly full of things she needed to do; every subject she was taking demanded her attention, every prefect-related event until summer had its own section in her planner. She needed new school shoes, she needed to organise a time with Wendy to go over her charms essay. She even had a list of Christmas cards she needed to write (usually these were completed by the end of November, but it had been a busy couple of months).

DADA was her worst class, by far. It was too abstract and too forward at once, she reasoned. Some defensive spells had her imagining happy memories or funny images in her mind, and yet she was supposed to confidently blast her wand at whatever her adversary was without hesitation. Of course, Billie had not yet gotten anything but a perfect grade in the class, but it didn’t do much to comfort her anxieties. If she didn’t do well, she wouldn’t be able to take Defense to a NEWT level, and it was a requirement for healing school. If she didn’t get into healing school, what then? There were only two summers left before she graduated Hogwarts – two summers left with Kendrick, and then she’d be out on her own.

Billie thought a lot about what might happen after school. Most people, she thought, had parents and family that they could turn to if they were having problems. She knew she had friends who planned on living with their parents during their first year out of school, to save money or whatever else. She wondered what it was like to have a safety net made up of one’s own family. Somewhere to go home to if one lost their job or had a broken heart or got sick and needed to be looked after. Phillip didn’t have a place like that; he understood.

She thought about all of this as she poked her head into the classroom they’d decided to meet in, feeling a little frazzled and tired. It was naive, maybe, but lately she’d been imagining living with him once she finished school. “Hello,” she said lightly, stepping in all of the way and shutting the door behind her. “How has your day been?” Billie made her way across the classroom, over to where he was sitting on the desk. She stopped only when she was close, her body touching the side of a leg he’d propped up on the chair in front of him, asking wordlessly for a kiss.

Phillip's eyes darted to the door when he saw her, his wand holding his place on the page, and the wizard smiled. "Hey," He replied, as happy to see her as the look on his face projected. Picking up a dry quill from beside him, Phillip used it as a bookmark as he closed the tome in his lap. "Fine, same as always," He answered with a shrug. The wizard's response was short but far from unhappy, and as Billie moved toward him, he sat up a little straighter. "Yours?" Returning the question as she approached him, Phillip's hand instinctively reached out toward her.

Leaning forward to brush his lips against hers, Phillip's breath caught in his throat. He hated waiting, he was impatient and no good at it, but moments like this reminded him why it was worth it. She was busy, and it was hard for him to deal with, but she was also here now, and that was enough, right? Breaking the kiss, Phillip moved his feet from the chair and slid off the desk to wrap his arms around her. "Missed you," He whispered, leaning against the desk so that he was a few inches shorter and pulling her closer to him.

They were supposed to study, that was what they were here for, but Phillip couldn't help himself. And he was quite aware of the fact that she had closed the door behind her. The teenager pressed his lips to hers once more, and all of the worries went away for a minute.

“Oh, Busy I suppose,” Billie said, still feeling a little frazzled. She glanced at the window, feeling chillier just seeing the mushy mix of rain and snow sliding down the glass. She’d had herbology earlier, and the walk down to the greenhouses and back had been most unpleasant, even with the aid of magical umbrellas and drying charms. She – and the rest of her cohort, she assumed – had hoped the class would be cancelled, but alas, no such luck. She glanced back at him, returning his smile. She’d dried her hair with magic and it was still a little frizzy on top; she wished she’d had a chance to fix it before seeing her boyfriend.

He missed her. It didn’t seem to matter how often he said things like that, it always made her feel fluttery in the best of ways. “Me – Mmm.” He cut off her words with a kiss. Me too, she completed in her mind, melting into him. Billie cherished moments like this. There was no place at school that felt private enough for them to get as intimate as they liked, but in rooms like this – with kisses like this – she was reminded of long summer days spent in empty houses; she wondered if he was thinking of them too.

They kissed for a minute, and she let herself enjoy it. She wasn’t lying when she’d said her day had been busy, and her night wasn’t going to be any freer. Her hands slid up his chest, enjoying the closeness, and the warmth, until they pulled apart. She felt like she hadn’t relaxed in weeks. “Your hair’s getting long,” she breathed, reaching up to run the tip of an index finger along his hairline before her eyes, a little crinkled from her smile, returned to meet his. Her hand trailed down the side of his face to rest in the curve between his neck and shoulder as she placed another kiss on his lips, gentle and sweet this time. “So how should we begin?” she asked, pulling back.

Phillip's problems seemed like nothing compared to everything that Billie was contending with. He had exams, and sure, graduation was looming, but even though most of his stress was self-inflicted, it was still a lot to deal with. Moments like this seemed to erase all of that, even if it was just for a little while, and Phillip was grateful for it. Kissing Billie brought him back to a much simpler summer when they spent afternoons walking Kendrick's dog or visiting Maidstone and evenings writing in their notebooks. No classes, no social pressures, and minimal responsibilities. A time when things were more comfortable, a time Phillip was still clinging to even though it was long gone.

It would never be the same; it never could be. Next summer, he would graduate, and he'd have to find a real job. Something that would pay rent wherever he landed because he doubted Winifred's father would let him crash in the spare bedroom again. Not that he'd want to anyway. And although he'd have his place, which would afford them plenty of freedom, he also felt like Kendrick would be less inclined to let her spend all day over there unsupervised. Regardless, Phillip held onto that summertime feeling, wishing he could get it back but knowing it was gone. It was a running theme in his life.

When she pulled away, he smiled again; Phillip felt like he hadn't smiled in weeks. "Yeah," He agreed, closing his eyes as she brushed the hair from his face. It was a two-second spell to trim it, the wizard had known the charm for years, but for whatever reason, he hadn't thought to do it. "So how should we begin?" Billie had asked, and Phillip knew what she meant but pulled her close again with a new sense of smugness. "I have a few ideas," He teased, murmuring into her neck and refusing to let her go. Phillip breathed in, loving the scent of cold winter air and her handmade soaps mixed, and realized it was quite possibly his favorite smell in the entire world.

"Alright," Sighing, Phillip finally relented and dropped his hands from her waist. "Your exam will be one-part theoretical and one-part practical," While Phillip was fully aware that Billie already knew this, he couldn't help but lead in this way. He knew that she was probably far better at the former than the latter; books and essays seemed far more in her wheelhouse than hexes and counters. And if he were going to help her, then he'd have to help her with the hard stuff, even if he was particularly looking forward to trying to curse his girlfriend. "How would you feel about practicing the hex-deflection spell?"

“Ah!” she said, squirming as if trying to get away from him, but smiling and not trying very hard at all. She brought her shoulder up to her ear automatically, goosebumps erupting from where he’d breathed against her neck and spreading all the way down her body to her elbows and knees. “Phillip,” she whined, breaking the word into two syllables and saying each with a mix of delight and complaint. Billie was unbelievably ticklish, and couldn’t stop smiling even as he pulled her closer – but he knew that, of course.

When he let her go, she pulled back quickly, tucking her hair behind her ears on both sides, her gaze down, before she looked back up at him, still smiling her usual small smile. Her cheeks were pink, and the whole thing had her imagination getting embarrassingly – and inappropriately! – creative with both him and this semi-private room they were in together. Could he tell, she wondered? From the look in her eye? She shook her head, both at him and her own mind. She tried to dispel the thoughts.

“Yes,” she said, sliding her bag from her shoulder to place it on the desk beside them, where he’d been sitting a moment ago. She was still smiling, despite the switch to study mode. Still blushing. “I shouldn’t have trouble with any of the theory – my dark magic history and creatures and so on.” The blonde tugged at the bottom of her school shirt, straightening it absentmindedly while he spoke. She smoothed the front of her skirt, nodding.

At last, her smile shifted into more of a grimace. “Yes, that sounds good,” she said, leaning over to draw her wand from her bag. “I might switch between deflection and a shield charm,” she told him, taking her wand in her hand, where it fit perfectly in her small palm.

While Phillip felt quite confident in his abilities, the wizard hadn't quite figured out how to hex her without actually hexing her. For this to work, if she would gain anything from it, the Ravenclaw knew he'd have to try to hit her. And to do that, he would need to concentrate. Something increasingly challenging to do as she stood there, blushing, smoothing her pleated skirt, with the door closed behind her, and the rest of the world locked securely beyond it. Phillip took a steadying breath as he pushed off the desk and away from the books scattered about.
 
Wand in one hand, the seventh-year rolled the sleeves of his uniform shirt up to the elbow. "That's a good idea," He complimented her, nodding, as he recalled all of the hexes she might come up against in her OWLs. Unfortunately, the teenager had been in plenty of fights over the years, though far less in the last few terms, so exams and studying aside, he was more than familiar with some of them. And their counter-curses. "Let me know when you are ready?" The wizard said as he walked about ten paces from her and spun back around.

When she gave the signal, Phillip took a deep breath, held it, and moved his wand from side to side in front of him. The horizontal straight line should have been a giveaway, but even if it wasn't, Phillip spoke the enchantment quickly after. "Impedimenta!"

The moment passed as quickly as it had come and Billie found herself lamenting the fact that they weren’t touching anymore, even if she knew she really did need to use this time for more than making out. She felt a little less stressed, but no less frazzled, now that they were moving on. The blonde shifted a desk to the side to make a little space, then moved several others with her wand and a wordless spell. If only they could get rid of defense, she thought distantly, and simply duplicate her charms grade.

Then she was sure she’d have no problem acing her OWLs, then her NEWTs – never mind what kinds of exams she was sure would be at whatever healing school she tried to get into. Dilys’ was the obvious choice, but Billie had heard the parisian school was also very good, and she spoke French after all. She shook her head again, trying not to stress too much about these parts of her future as she moved to the other side of the room. They turned to face each other like it was a duel. She supposed it was, in a way. “I’m ready,” she told him, trying to relax her shoulders.

It wasn’t especially fast, for a faux-duel, but it was still too fast for her. She brought her wand up. “Prote–” Even knowing what was coming, she couldn’t get the word out in time. The blonde winced as his jinx hit her right in the chest, her toes curling in her shoes as the uncomfortable sensation rippled through her body. She felt her body moving slowly, as if in water, as she stepped backward, pushed from the force of the spell. It didn’t last long, thankfully. “It’s okay,” she said, nodding, “go again.”

Though he knew he would have to curse her for this to be useful, Phillip couldn't help but hold back at the last second. The spell he cast was powerful but far from the full force. It was enough to knock her back or maybe make go rigid, but not nearly enough to levitate or hurt her. He wanted to help, but his instincts were more potent than that desire.

Phillip grimaced as he watched her fail to deflect the curse. It collided with her like a bolt of silvery-blue lightning, and he sucked in a breath. Billie regrouped quickly, though, and he was thankful for that, even when she instructed him to try again. Phillip considered going with a different spell or offering to let her curse him first but instead decided to continue on this course.

"Watch my wand," He offered as he twisted his wand in the air. "Even if they don't realize it, most wizards will begin the movement before speaking the incantation," A perfect duelist would know better than to have such a tell, but she wouldn't be going up against World Class duelists for her OWLs. "It will give away their intention and give you a few extra seconds to deflect," Once more, Phillip zipped his wand horizontally across space in front of him, drawing a straight line in the air, and spoke, this time, with slightly more force. "Impedimenta!"

The blonde fixed her hair absentmindedly, with her non-wand hand. Getting hit with spells like that always shocked her; there was no getting around it. She was sure she could give a precise presentation on almost any topic they’d covered so far in class – maybe better than any of her peers – but when it came to dueling she was so far behind. She hated the violence of it all; she wasn’t any better at offense than defense.

Billie nodded. Nothing he was saying was actually new to her, but that ended up just making things worse, rather than better. It wasn’t frustrating to face her flaws, or gaps in her knowledge, but it was frustrating not to be able to improve. She tried to breathe, tried to regain some of the calmness of mind she’d felt earlier when she’d first come in here and kissed him.

“Protego!” she said, a moment after he spoke. She managed to get her shield up in time, but his spell still hit her; she mustn’t have cast a very strong shield, she thought. It didn’t ripple through her quite like it had a minute ago, but she definitely hadn’t blocked all of its effects. It still felt bad. “Okay,” she breathed, straight away. “Again.”

This time Billie managed to make a spell, but Phillip felt his heart sink when he could see nearly straight through it. It wasn't going to be strong enough to block the curse, and it wasn't enough to earn a top mark. They would keep practicing, of course, and Phillip wasn't so optimistic that he thought she would wake up today and be better at DADA, but he couldn't deny the small hope that he wouldn't have to curse Billie for too long this afternoon. There were so many other things he would rather be doing with her. So many things he couldn't keep out of his mind, summery things he much preferred, that was quite distracting.

"Are you sure?" Phillip questioned; she had just been hit twice by soft hexes, but still, the wizard was sure it was draining. And the shields she produced didn't come from thin air, either, magic had a price, and even if it was a small one, she was paying it. When Billie gave the signal, Phillip cast the spell once more, and then again, they had made several more attempts. Minutes went by, and the wizard was careful not to try too much. A little out of breath and a fair bit of pink in his cheeks, the teenager finally stopped.  Phillip didn't want to push her too far, and there was also no sense in doing the same thing over and over and expecting new results. They were cementing bad habits at this point, but he wasn't going to say that out loud. He wanted to help, not make her more unsure of herself.

"What if we practice making the shields together first," He began, taking a few steps toward her and sweeping the hair on his forehead to one side. "Muscle memory is huge with defense spells; if you can get the shield down, it will be more natural when you need it," He hoped she never had reason to need any of these spells, but that was a whole other conversation.

After a few more (mostly unsuccessful) tries, Billie was feeling a small tremor in her wand-hand. She felt a little breathless, too, and a slight sheen of sweat had appeared on the back of her neck. Why couldn’t she get this? It was such basic magic, she thought, something that most of her classmates didn’t seem to have any trouble with. She understood the principles, could even do some of the spells when not under pressure – and there were so many other things she could do under pressure that that seemed like a pathetic excuse anyway.

Her shields had all been wispy and fragile; she hadn’t quite taken the full force of any of his jinxes, but all but one of them had hit her, to varying degrees. She was surprised when he asked if she really wanted to keep going, and she paused, a part of her wanting to frown and insist on pushing through. After a moment of hesitation, though, she nodded; he was right, she was hopeless at it the way it was.

Billie lowered her wand, trying to take a breath. Her thoughts had taken a definitive negative turn, though. She couldn’t help but be hard on herself; usually she worked hard enough that her perfectionist side wasn’t too punishing, but today she was hitting a familiar barrier with more force than usual. “Yes, okay,” she said, sounding a bit defeated and a touch frustrated with herself. “Okay,” she said again as he moved closer, shifting her weight from side to side slowly, trying to get her focus back. She relaxed, then tightened her fingers around her wand.

Billie looked like she was getting tired, Phillip didn't want to mention it, but he could see it on her face. He noticed she seemed flustered too; he could almost tell how much based on how many times she tucked her hair back behind her ears. "You will get this," Being encouraging wasn't Phillip's strong suit, but he tried, giving her something between a smile and a shrug, as he joined Billie on her side of the classroom. Phillip moved to stand beside her and reached for her offhand to squeeze it.

"What are you thinking about while you cast the shield?" Phillip asked, his gray eyes searching hers. Some spells required happy memories, and some required a blank mind, but Protego was malleable. Phillip had found very little success when he thought of good memories or things that made him happy, but bad ones hadn't worked either. Being scared didn't help, but he had learned a trick. "I picture a solid rock wall," He offered, "Impenetrable, you know," Focussing on that wall, picturing it in his mind's eye, helped him will the shield into existence.

Aside from what she considered the obvious (feeling like a burden) Billie hadn’t ever really had trouble asking for help. She wasn’t a prideful or defensive person; she didn’t really mind seeming weak in front of others. It wasn’t really pride that was frustrating her so much right now, but fear; she put a lot of pressure on herself, and the idea that she simply wasn't good enough was scary.

“The thing is,” Billie started softly, shaking her head a little, “that I can usually do it when I don’t need to. Here,” she added, straightening up. She slid her hand out of his. “Protego.” Her wand felt good in her palm, and because she didn’t have someone flinging a jinx at her from the other side of the room, her shield actually formed. It didn’t last long – she wasn’t really concentrating – but it was still probably the best one she’d cast.

She felt a swell of despair. “I just don’t have time,” she breathed, lowering her shaky wand arm, and as soon as the words had left her lips she felt the weight of everything at once; her self imposed desire for perfect grades and what that meant for her workload, her prefect duties, the other responsibilities she had – like to Wendy – not to mention the mess of social commitments she’d made. She had letters to write, things to organise. She needed new school shoes. It all came tumbling in at once and the blonde had to take a step back as panic crept up inside her. She put her wand down on a desk and adjusted the collar of her shirt. Oh no. "What if I can't," she breathed, not looking at him.

Phillip moved back as she produced her wand again, moving to lean against the desk he had been sitting on earlier, and watched as her spell was successful. This shield was less transparent and frail looking than all of the others put together. Billie could do the spell, that wasn't the issue, and Phillip changed gears as quickly as she had. He didn't need to teach her how to perform the magic, but rather, help her learn how to do it under pressure. Even though he was trying to fight it, his own pessimism kept him from seeing that they were making progress in a small way.

Billie hadn't answered his question, but she had offered him other information, and he bit. Don't have time? Phillip paused as she said it, his mind running over all the possible nuances as hers seemed to jump off the deep end. "Do you mean there isn't enough time to react when someone is cursing you?" Phillip questioned first, wondering if it was a matter of reaction speed, but something told him it was another meaning. "Or you feel like you running out of time to learn it before the exam?" Phillip pulled himself back onto the table, the toes of his black shoes scraping the tile floor.