In over my head feeling confused, losing my mind don't know what do [tag; Bren]

“Please leave.”

Came the muffled response from beneath the covers that shielded Alexanderia from the light as her curtains were drawn open. She simply wanted to be left to her sorrows as she had the previous weeks. She could hear the woman as she moved about apparently ignoring her request. Slowly the covers lifted back as the light caused her lightly colored eyes to close. The sigh that left her lips was measured as her sorrows were at the very edge of spilling over. There were no more tears left she had sobbed herself dry. The devastation of her loss seemed to echo in the quiet places in her mind, reminding her that she was no longer whole. “Must you move about with such enthusiasm?” Xan grumbled as she finally rose from her bed. The cool of the oak floors brought a relaxed sigh from her. It had been weeks since she had step foot from her room. Her mother thought the sadness came from her parting with Basil but it stemmed far deeper. She had lost something cherished far more even if it had been a part of Basil as well. Her hand rose to push the long locks of her hair from her face as the Herbologist walked over to her vanity. She needed a change, a cleanse so to speak.

She had lost herself in what she thought was love but learned far too late that her love had been one-sided. It always had been and she had made herself blind to the truth because it hurt. Hurt so terribly that at times she felt as if recovery was not an option to be had. Basil had pretended, had stolen so many moments of her life away that she loathed how desperate she had been. Desperate to be seen or rather to be loved. She had been foolish and however broken she might have felt was of her own doing. She had seen the better sides of him. Had hoped that he was the man he often claimed to be but he was simply a snake in the nicest clothing. It was her fault, as he had often reminded, that they had imploded. She had trapped him. She had not loved him properly. She had been selfish. She had undoubtedly turned into a monster before his eyes as she gave her heart over. Her mother had been right Basil was not worth her joy and did not deserve an ounce of her love. Brennan had been right Basil would never have been capable of loving her properly – not in the way Bren had.

Even if he had been her first in every way Brennan had done her justice. He had been kind and patient. He had allowed her to find her footing in a world she was experiencing for the first time. Of all the wonderful things that relationship had brought her the solace had been missed the most. The calm in the storm of her responsibilities and status. Her eyes followed the other woman as she sat out clothing for Xan to wear should she decide to become a functional human being again. The worst part of her loss was that there was no one to talk to. She had lost her best friend because of Basil’s insecurities and was now afraid to seek Bren out. She knew the I told you so would be in the underlying meaning of whatever conversation they might have had even if he never said it. But to carry the weight of her ruin was crushing her slowly into a very deep dark place where light rarely peeked through. As much as she wanted to numb her pain with drugs and alcohol Xan knew feeling would save her humanity and compassion.

Taking a seat Xan let her eyes close as the woman left the room and few moments later someone came in to bring her breakfast. The witch ignored the movement of the house coming to life as she took to cutting the long locks of her hair short. It was the first time she had ever allowed any inches to be taken off. What once had fallen passed her waist now rested just above her shoulders. Xan stared at herself for a long  moment before the dark color of her hair was enchanted a beautiful shade of blonde. Delicate hands ruffled the soft locks as the witch decided whether the color suited her. She had not seen Basil since their failed attempt at a wedding. It was hard for her to look upon him without her heart freezing over. He had used her and in the end the pieces he had taken were immeasurable. Lightly colored eyes closed as she inhaled deeply resting a hand over her stomach. “Have Priscilla send word to Bren. “ she said and the woman nodded before quickly making her exit. Xan glanced at the food and her stomach turned before she prepared herself for the day. After she had dressed and taken one last look in the mirror the witch wasted no time leaving.

The ground vanished beneath her in a familiar push and pull of her disapparation. Once she felt the ground beneath her feet her hand reached out to rest on a nearby wall. She still felt fairly weak and knew it was from her lack of nutrition and getting out of her bed for more than a few minutes to appease her mother. Even in a weaken state her eyes close as she let her face turn toward the sky allowing the sun to warm her skin. Her lungs expanded as she took her first breath of fresh air in what seemed like a life time. Once more her fingers ruffled her hair, it still felt strange but the light feeling was welcomed. Xan glanced around her before she made her way to the familiar door. She’d walked the path several times but had never felt the somber weight in her chest she felt at a constant. Back then she had been happy or nervous depending on the days events. She had never walked the path with such weight on her shoulders. As afraid as she was to admit she had been foolish she missed his company and it had been that which pushed her up the steps so that she could knock.

She heard the turn of the locks and swallowed. The edges of her eyes welled with tears that had been hesitant to fall for days. She turned as she felt herself breaking, finally letting that pain seep into her soul. A delicate hand rose to rest over her face as she inhaled deeply willing her emotions back into the haunted places of her mind. She could not be this way with him, she couldn’t be broken in what seemed an irreparable way. Not with Bren. “I hope I have not disturbed you.” She said as she felt the presence of someone. Xan waited a moment before she was sure her sorrows had been well hidden to turn. A gentle smile rested in her face, “I’ve missed you.” And what she thought could be hidden was in her voice, her devastation. “If this is a bad time shall we make the plans to meet another time?”

. @Brennan Reinhardt