I cheated myself, like I knew I would [Wini]

"You have?" she questioned, her confusion showing plainly on her face as she tried to sort it all out. She and Ezra were kind of a thing, they'd been on a few dates, and while she hoped he would want to make it official, Marin had warned her against getting her hopes up again. She was never really good at managing her own expectations, but this just confused her. "You came to visit him? In January?"

She tried to wrap her mind around the fact that he had just admitted to wanting to see Jet.. but not her. In January. Right after their New Year's Eve kiss. When Wini had thought they were in a really good spot. She glanced down at her shoes, the ones she had spent eons trying to decide which ones would be cutest with this outfit, and tried to tamp down on the hurt she felt.

Add to that the fact that Jet hadn't told her anything either about being so close with Ezra. Maybe that was even more confusing. She wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, but how could he not have known they were talking about the same person?

Wini glanced away from Ezra as he went back to talking about the candies, dropping the little tongs back in the container, no longer interested in filling up her bag anymore. She tried to give him a nod though, not wanting to be rude, still trying to sort it out. "Sure, a pumpkin pasty is fine," she murmured with a little nod.

Ezra cringed a little. “I… well, yeah.” He admitted. “It’s kind of a long story.” He offered lamely. He knew she was upset. He could tell from how she was reacting. “I…” He hesitated. He didn’t want to tell her this. He knew she would be upset. She might even cry. She might not want to see him again. Still, as a Hufflepuff, honesty was usually the best policy. 
 
“I should have said something to you earlier.” He admitted. “I just… forgot, I guess. He and I…” He hesitated, not really wanting to out himself, but feeling as though she needed to know. “We might have fooled around a bit over Christmas.” He said, finally. “Just... you know…” He didn’t know where to go with this or how much detail to use. “We didn’t plan it or anything. Just like… we were hanging out and it kind of just… happened.” He admitted. 
 
“I didn’t think it was that big of a deal. I mean, he wasn’t going to date me or anything.” The phrasing of that made Ezra cringe again. It almost implied he had tried to date him, which he had, but he didn’t really want her to know he had asked someone else to be his boyfriend when he had been dating her pretty regularly before that (officially exclusive or not). “But, yeah. I..” He hesitated. “Maybe we should go outside. I’ll explain better?” He offered, not wanting to make a scene in the middle of Honeydukes. He had let go of her hand, running it through his hair instead. 

"Okay.." she said, blinking up at him. "Well, what is it?" Wini asked, wanting to know what the 'story' was, wanting to have some sort of reason that would explain away this hurt she was feeling over the fact that he had come to Hogsmeade, but hadn't wanted to spend time with her? Her neck felt hot as she remembered how she had felt when he stopped owling her before and started dating another girl. Wini hated to think that was happening all over again. He wouldn't.. would he?

Except he was hesitating and she got a bad feeling immediately. She glanced at the door to the shop and briefly wished she had passed her apparation test so she could apparate away and not even know what he was about to tell her. She got a feeling it wasn't going to be anything good. Except she didn't pass her test and she didn't want to leave because she was still holding on to this kernel of hope that maybe it wasn't as bad as she thought, maybe..

But as she listened, she felt her heart squeezing painfully in her chest as he told her things she definitely did not want to hear. "You and Jet?" she whispered, still confused about how her crush and one of her friends had known each other, really known each other like that and neither had told her? "Fooled around?" she echoed again, parroting his words because she didn't know what else to say in the face of news that frankly shocked her. "You're into... guys?" How had she not known that?

It 'wasn't a big deal' though. And Ezra 'wasn't going to date' Jet. Well. That made her feel better.

She nodded at him, glad that he had let go of her hand because they felt clammy now. She swallowed thickly as she set the bag of assorted chocolates down on the shelf, abandoning it as she walked woodenly outside, still carrying Mr. Bear and wondering how she had gotten this all wrong? Was he not even in to her then? She didn't quite understand and she was quiet, unusual for her as she turned back to look at him. "So.. you're into Jet now?" she found herself asking, needing to clarify because all of a sudden it felt very messy and she couldn't help but feel the fool for thinking he was into her.

Wini glanced toward the castle again, wanting to run away from everything that was going wrong in this moment, or maybe just rewind to the perfectly cute date they had been having in Puddifoot's. Either option was better than this.

Ezra could see the pain in her eyes, in her mannerisms and her voice. “I… well, not only into guys." He promised. “I’ve always liked girls too. It’s just… you know. Both.” He managed, feeling awkward. This was not something he had ever admitted aloud. “And no, of course I’m not into Jet now. It was just sex.” He thought, for some reason, that this might console her but of course it wouldn’t. He reached for her hand again, this time very shyly. 
 
“Wini, I know I’ve been a terrible guy to you in the past, but I really do like you. I kissed you on New Year’s because I like you.” He promised. “And I was really looking forward to this date and everything. I really want this to work out between us.” He promised, meaning it. “Jet was just… it just happened.” He assured. “We weren’t ever going to date or anything like that, and I don’t… I dunno.” He didn’t know where he was going with this. 
 
“I told you because I thought you ought to know.” He promised. “It’s not Circe all over again, I learned that lesson.” 

Both. Okay, alright, sure, yes, made sense. At least whatever they had wasn't a complete lie. It was just.. sort of a lie because he liked her but he also liked Jet. He didn't not like her, he just liked Jet as well. She wasn't sure if that made her feel better or worse, but it was leaning towards worse.

All of the thoughts tangled in her mind as she tried to sort out what she was feeling with all the new information she was getting that very much conflicted with the reality she had believed not minutes ago. She was frowning as she played with Mr. Bear's paws and tried to figure out what all this meant, especially since two minutes ago this was the best date she had ever been on and now it just.. wasn't. She played his words over in her head as she tried to decide but--

Her thoughts stopped short at his latest confession.

"You had se--" she stopped herself blushing red as that felt too.. racy to say aloud right there in front of Honeydukes so she edited. "You slept with him?" Did 'fooling around' exclusively mean sex now?? Why would he do that with Jet if he was into her? It didn't make sense unless he wasn't into her and then why would he take her on this date at all?? Hot, foolish tears welled up in her eyes and every semi-nice thing he said after that just felt like a lie.

She shook her head at his last statement, not agreeing at all. "Well, it doesn't feel that way. Why even bother asking me out if you were into him?" she asked, her voice a little rougher with her tears that she dashed away. Wini was torn. She wanted to run away, back to the castle, never look at his stupid face again, and yet part of her wanted to stay right there and get the answers from him that would maybe explain away all this hurt she was feeling.

She was crying, and he was making it worse. She sounded so… scandalized by the news of what he’d done, and he felt a little scandalized at it, too. He was so dumb, so absolutely ridiculously stupid. He never should have told her at all. He should have kept his big mouth shut. Or, perhaps, not do the stupid thing? What could she expect from him? He was a nineteen-year-oldboy thinking with his dick. He sighed super heavily, and put his hand on her shoulder to try to console her. This wasn’t going well. People were looking. 
 
“Wini, I—“ He began, hesitating to say it. “I did sleep with him.” He admitted, “But I didn’t plan it, I swear. I didn’t mean to. We were just hanging out and talking and then suddenly we weren’t.” He sighed. “I’m really sorry I hurt you, but I really don’t like him like that. I like you.” He assured. “It’s just… sometimes I don’t think about stuff like that. It’s like… I just do it, or whatever. It never meant I didn’t like you.” He promised, and that he meant. That wasn’t a lie. He did like her, for what it was worth—which wasn’t very much, considering he liked most people. 
 
“That was like… before New Year’s. Before I kissed you.” He offered. He hadn’t been faithful after that, but she really didn’t need to know the details. There was really no way to win this fight. She would tell Jet exactly what was said, confront him or something, and Jet would get mad. Regardless of situation, Jet was going to be absolutely pissed off as hell. Wini was probably really angry too, underneath her tears. 
 
“How about… I walk you back, okay? I don’t want you to have to go alone.” He promised. “You can think about things and cool off and... maybe owl me?” He offered. “I’ll leave you alone if you want me to, but I thought we had a really good time together up until this, you know? I thought the date was going really well.” He took in a deep breath, a little shaky, and trying not to cry too. Something about seeing her cry made him want to cry. He hated hurting people’s feelings, but he really was a dumbass. 

His hand on her shoulder felt heavy, not at all like she imagined it might feel if she had dreamed of this moment. But Merlin, she wouldn't have been crying either. Or thinking about Ezra sleeping with one of her friends? This was messed up. So messed up that she wasn't sure what to do.

Ezra's honesty was such a shock to her. He was literally laying out all of his dirty laundry and then promising that he liked her the whole time too. How did that make sense? Was he lying about that part even while he seemed to be telling the truth about the first? And if he was being truthful about still liking her, why did it all feel so terrible?

All she could think was that it shouldn't be like this. For a talkative girl, she was abnormally quiet and she felt her chin wobble as she looked into his dark eyes that seemed so earnest. No matter how much she wanted to believe him, believe that he still liked her even as he was sleeping with Jet, that he couldn't help but mistakes like that, that he hadn't meant to hurt her, she just couldn't. It was too much, too much to process, too much that had ruined the little fantasy of the perfect Valentine's date she had dreamed up in her head. And maybe that's what hurt the most.

Wini shook her head on instinct, wanting to leave immediately, but then nodded, changing her mind as she heard the emotion in his voice. "All right.." she whispered, biting the inside of her lip as shrugged his hand off her shoulder and turned back toward the castle. She began walking woodenly, Mr. Bear in her arms feeling inappropriate now, but she thought it would be too rude to give him back outright even though she wanted to throw him down and stomp on him or do something equally as crazy like yelling at him and running away.

Instead, a tear or two leaked down her cheek and she sniffled quietly, her mind a mess, the words inside her chest swelling until they all came out in a jumble, whispered at first and then gaining momentum and volume. "It was going well and we were having such a good time and it was perfect and you were being so sweet and I was hoping you would kiss me aga--" Wini stopped with a blush. She hadn't meant to say that and now, in light of everything, it was even more embarrassing and her brows pulled together as she walked faster. She suddenly needed to be away from him but not before she glanced up at him "--but then you had to go and ruin it. I have to go," she said before she shoved Mr. Bear into his arms, sad for letting him go, even as she started walking-almost-jogging back up to the castle, tears flowing more freely now.

/end

Ezra clutched the bear to his chest as he watched her leave, not just walking but jogging towards the castle. This was a nightmare. It was awful, and he didn’t know what to do. He had hoped that, by being completely honest with her, that she would understand somehow. He didn’t know what to say to her or what to think. So, he held the bear close, sighed, and began walking back towards his car. He tossed Mr. Bear into a street trashcan, unable to look at him without feeling regret and discomfort. He hated that this had gone so poorly, especially since the first part of the date had been so nice. 
 
He went back into the Three Broomsticks and bought himself a drink while he waited for Janae to finish up her date with Sid for Valentine’s Day. He couldn’t leave her there to get home alone (long-distance apparition at her stage of pregnancy was even worse than normal), so he waited and had a drink to take the edge off. Unfortunately, he couldn’t get smashed. He was driving.  
 
He wondered what would happen next. Would she write? Would she tell Jet (who would be absolutely livid, he was sure)? Was he about to get a howler? What if Circe found out—how humiliating could that be? He sighed, finished his drink, and wished for the first time ever that he smoked cigarettes. Something, anything, to take the edge off of this sharp pain in his chest sounded welcome.