goodbye to the good vibes [billifred]

“Yeah, no I'm sure he'll be as popular as Banshee in a couple of years. Probably sooner,” Wini told her roommate Belinda as they weaved in and out of people as they headed down the corridor. Her bag bumped along at her side as Wini chattered to her friend about her current crush. She hadn’t told Belinda everything about Ezra like she had with Marin and Lip so it was nice to share again with a new audience. Speaking of the boys, she wondered where they were. Normally she met up with them on the way to Charms, but she hadn’t spied them yet. Her brown eyes scanned the corridor, Marin was always easy to pick out due to his height. A niggling thought crossed her mind if he was hanging out with Darcy again. She tried not to frown about that. Lip wasn’t much better lately. He was so sullen and frustratingly tight-lipped about what had happened with the break up.

The Hufflepuff nodded as Belinda started to whisper about her crush on a certain Slytherin bad boy named Issac, who Wini thought was a little scary but she was also a little envious of him because he seemed to get detention a lot and that particular task was still on her bucketlist. She tuned out a bit as her thoughts strayed back to Lip. He had unexpectedly come to stay with her at William’s at the tail end of winter break and while she had been a little surprised, she was happy to see him. He had been sullen and quiet, even more so than usual, but Wini had thought it had been because it was the holidays and that time of year always brought thoughts of family. Considering what had happened to his family, Wini understood why he might feel a little down. It was the first holiday she had spent without her family too at home in Wales so she had been glad that Lip had stayed over for a few days. It was nice to be around a family of her own choosing, even if they were both a little miserable.

But maybe they weren’t as close as she had thought, considering her Ravenclaw friend hadn’t even told her that he and Billie had broken up until they had come back to school. And even now, he  hadn’t given her any other information other than “she lied to me”. Honestly, what was she supposed to do with that?? She kept flipping between different emotions from sadness for her friend because he had seemed so happy with Billie (and for Lip to be happy about anything was nothing short of a miracle) to frustration at not knowing what had went wrong to anger at the cute little Ravenclaw who had broken her friend's heart.

Wini was surprised at how much the anger had latched on to her. Every time she saw Lip or he studied with her and Marin instead of in the corner of the library he and Billie usually occupied, she felt a wave of sadness swiftly followed by anger. She didn’t really have any details about what happened, but she did know that Billie had lied to him and Wini was upset that someone could make her friend so much more miserable than he already was. Wini had trusted Billie to take care of him and Wini was upset with herself too that she hadn’t stopped that from happening somehow. Billie had always seemed so sweet, but Wini couldn’t help but put the blame squarely on her shoulders.

Then again, a small part of her knew it probably wasn’t that black and white. There was a story or a reason in there somewhere that could maybe make Wini less angry at Billie, but Lip clearly didn’t want to share with her and it only made her more frustrated. So frustrated and angry, in fact, that she had started to think about getting her information from another source. Who better to ask than Billie herself? Just a little convo between girls. The idea had been bouncing around her mind for a whole and she uncharacteristically hadn’t run the idea past Marin. She didn’t want to be dissuaded.

So that’s why when she spied the familiar head of light blonde now shorter curls ducking into the girls bathroom, she squeezed Belinda’s arm to interrupt her saga about how cute Isaac’s bum was and excused herself quickly, promising her friend that she’d catch up after class. Wini hurried into the bathroom after Billie and hung out by the sinks, pretending to fluff her hair until the other girl reappeared. “Oh hey Billie,” Wini greeted as if surprised to see her. “How's it going?" she asked, blinking at her with a knowing look.

@Billie Fay

Billie came out of the stall distracted and not expecting someone to address her directly. It startled her a little when the older girl called her name. “Oh, hello Wini,” she said politely, moving to the sink to wash her hands. If Phillip hadn’t already been lingering in the back of her mind as he did, he would have been there now. The blonde felt a little anxious. Despite the fact that they were both prefects, Billie had managed to avoid the other girl for pretty much the entire time she’d been back at Hogwarts.

At first, it had been nerves. She’d worried about what he’d told them, how they would now perceive her. Phillip had never cared about Billie’s friends, or put much stock in their opinions of him, but Billie had been the exact opposite. She’d wanted so desperately for his friends to like her, too. For them to see her as something that was good for their friend. At the height of it all, she’d felt like the most important person in his life, but he didn’t really have any family — his friends were next on the list, and without her, there was just them.

Which was why, even after those particular nerves had recently begun to abate somewhat, she’d still put just as much effort into making sure she wasn’t around them. It didn’t feel right, she thought. Their friendship was something precious to him. Something that she didn’t have any business encroaching on, even just a little bit at the edges. In her subconscious they were like an extension of Phillip, or something.

Billie twisted the tap handle, putting her soapy hands under the warm water. “I’m fine, thank you. How are you?” she asked, glancing at the other girl in the mirror before looking back down at her hands. She was eager to leave, but not so eager so as to be impolite. She kept the wariness out of her tone and expression, hiding herself masterfully behind a familiar and comforting polite front.

She tried to smile at the younger girl, and Wini did, but it didn't feel as natural as it did with others. There was still that lingering anger and it felt uncomfortable. She wasn't used to it. Since the moment Lip had told her about the break up until now, Wini had come up with a slew of reasons for the break up, a whole list of things Billie could have lied about that would be so bad that cause this. But looking at Billie now, it was hard to think that she would do any of the things that she had whispered to Marin.

Wini swallowed as she met Billie's gaze in the mirror and she fluffed her wavy blonde hair over her shoulder before starting to dig through her bag for some cherry flavored lip balm. "Oh I'm good, a little hungry," she said, offering a smile as she finally found the tube and popped the lid off.

She didn't want to be pushy.. well too pushy. She had learned that lesson the hard way from the Fight with Marin a few years ago, but she considered herself almost a friend of Billie's. A friend of a friend, friend by association, or at least she had been. And friends ask about each other particularly after a break up, right?

Whatever reasoning she used to get, it didn't matter much because she was soon enough asking, "You alright after everything?" she asked, putting a sad face on, trying to ease in slowly. "After everything with Lip?" She leaned her hip against the sink basin and tried to hold on to the thought that she would give Billie the benefit of the doubt, but as she turned to look at her, she couldn't help but think the prim, polite exterior was just a hard shell to mask the girl underneath who had hurt her friend so badly.

Billie rinsed her hands for a little too long, needing something to look at that wasn’t Wini’s face in the mirror. She hated the way that she said it; after everything. It sounded so final. As she watched little rivulets form in the creases of her hands, Billie wondered what Wini was referring to. Or, she wondered how Phillip had phrased it when he’d told her that they’d broken up. Imagining it made her feel a little sick. She swallowed down a touch of fear and glanced up again as she turned the tap off, giving the older girl a small, tense smile in the mirror.

“I’m okay,” she said, trying to focus on the parts of her that actually felt okay, so it didn’t feel like quite so much of a lie. Billie flicked some water off of her hands and into the sink with a small, delicate movement before she reached for a paper towel. “A little… Lost, I suppose,” she admitted, her gaze slipping from Wini’s as she dried her hands. “But I’m okay.” She’d been saying it enough to herself that it didn’t feel too unnatural to say out loud to another person.

Billie looked at herself in the mirror, feeling uncomfortable about her stupid, tragic haircut and the fact that Wini was right there beside her. Why was she lingering? The young witch felt like she couldn’t leave until she was dismissed.

I’m okay. Wini nodded. And then nodded again as she sucked on her teeth and pressed her lips together, feeling the slick lip balm as she toyed with a pleat of her skirt with her hand. She shouldn't say it, she knew she shouldn't say it, but she couldn't help the comment from bubbling up and spilling from her lips. And part of her didn't want to stop it. Part of her, and she wasn't sure she recognized this part of herself too well, wanted Billie to know exactly what she had done. "..He's not okay, you know," The Hufflepuff said as Billie's gaze dropped to her hands.

Even as she said it, she felt a little guilty. But it was true! She had never seen Lip look so upset. Not even when he had cried with her outside by the war memorial that one night a couple of years ago. If Billie didn't already know the effect she had had on her friend, there's no reason why Wini shouldn't tell her about it. But then she sighed as the other girl looked at herself in the mirror. A little… Lost, I suppose, she had said.

Wini didn't understand the situation, but she could understand that sentiment. It was difficult to cast her as the villain when she looked so fragile in front of her, but the image of Lip looking at her with those sad eyes made her speak up. "Billie, what happened?" she asked plaintively, her hand frustratingly going through her hair. "I thought you two were so good together and I know it's none of my business, but he won't tell me anything and I want to help him but I don't know how." Her brown eyes beseeching.

The muscles around Billie’s eyes tightened, and she wasn’t sure what to say. He’s not okay. She did know, sort of. She knew that it would have cut him deeply, and that Phillip was Phillip — he clung to his feelings like no one else. If he hated her, it would cut him up. If he loved her too, even just a tiny bit, then it would all just chase itself around inside him until he had a clear answer. Whatever that final clarity was, she knew he’d tie himself to it. That was what he did. He liked things better in black and white, she thought.

Billie nodded slightly, folding her paper towel up into perfect quarters before she dropped it into the wastebasket. She glanced back up at Wini with a furrowed brow. “Wini,” she started, feeling very small, “If, if he didn’t tell you…” He hadn't. He hadn't told her. Billie tried not to fixate on this fact.

She shook her head. Winifred was imposing even when she was trying very hard to be your friend — Billie wanted nothing more than to shrink away from all of this. Their eyes met — pale green and warm brown — and she had to force the words out. She didn’t like people wanting things from her she couldn’t give them. “I don't really want to talk about it,” she settled on, wishing Wini was more like her friend Barbara, who understood how to speak without speaking, how to listen to the things she said without making her be explicit about it.

She saw the look in Billie's eyes change slightly and Wini was almost.. glad for it? She wanted her to know the extent to which she had hurt her friend. She wanted Billie to know everything: that he avoided the Great Hall and sometimes skipped dinner altogether just to avoid seeing her, that he was showing up late to classes, that he was pulling away from even her and Marin. The worst part was that he always looked so sad all the time.

No, maybe the worst part was that whatever she had done to him, whatever she had lied about, was so bad that he didn't want to confide in her. His best friend. Well, she wasn't sure if she was his best friend but she didn't see anyone else stepping up to the plate in this crisis so she was going to take that spot. Whether Lip liked it or not, she was going to be his friend. She felt her pent up frustration and anger over the past few weeks roiling up inside her.

"Yeah," she said, a little too quickly, no hesitation, her voice a little harder. "He didn't tell me anything. Can you imagine what that must feel like? Not being able to tell your best friend about something huge going on in your life? Not being able to talk to anyone about it? Because of something you lied about?" she asked, narrowing her gaze, standing up a little straighter.

Billie finally met her gaze and Wini thought she looked so small. How could someone so fragile hurt her friend like this? She knew Billie was reserved, she knew she was much closer to a Marin than to herself, and through her friendship with Marin, she had learned how to handle people like her differently, but at the moment, she was finding it very difficult to do so. I don't really want to talk about it. Well damn, it was like a line she and Lip had both agreed on because Merlin, she had heard that way too many times lately.

"Ok fine, don't want to talk about it? Go right ahead, but just so you know, he's miserable and it's your fault and I hate that you did this to him," the words falling from her lips without thought, reacting instead of responding, and in the moment, Wini didn't even want to take anything back. Lip may want to avoid her for the rest of his life, but Wini wanted this girl to know exactly what she had done and face it.

Could she imagine what it might feel like? To not be able to speak to anyone about a huge thing going on in her life? Billie didn’t say a word, a slight frown and a tightness around her eyes the only things that were giving her feelings away.

Killian had said: I’m sorry you've had to deal with this by yourself, for so long.

Phillip had called her: — a fucking liar.

And she’d understood them both, felt as if she were outside herself, seeing Billie Fay or Sybil Sinnoway through each pair of eyes, in those moments. And they were both right, in a way, though she felt she only really deserved one of those reactions. Was it empathy, she wondered? Or was she just easily convinced? She could see it all through Wini’s eyes right now, too. She saw herself — this girl who’d swum so readily into Phillip’s anger and nihilism, slipped her hand into his and brought a little light… Only to dissolve in a moment, for no good reason. Leaving Wini’s friend miserable, as she’d said. Hearing it, seeing it, Billie believed it.

It's your fault. It wasn't anything she hadn't been telling herself for weeks, but it cut a little different coming out of someone else's lips. Her hands were clasped in front of her. “You’re right,” Billie said, hearing the echoes of her own voice from those other conversations and hating it. It was easy, now, to believe that Killian had been too kind to her that day. That she hadn’t deserved a hug, or tea, or his friendship. It was easy to imagine Phillip’s feelings, and his pain, and let it fill her up, leaving no space for any of her own. It came so naturally to her. “I hate it too,” Billie said, her vision blurry as tears pooled in her eyes. “But. I'm not going to talk about it with you, Wini,” she finished quietly.

The 'You’re right' felt validating.. but it also didn't. Wini blinked at the other girl, trying to decide if it felt like an agreement born from a want to be pitied or if it was a statement she honestly believed. The Hufflepuff wasn't sure she could trust anything from Billie anymore, even if she really did like the girl that had gone to get ice cream with her and Marin and Lip in Diagon that one day. Even if she thought that Billie and Lip together were the cutest thing ever.

That was all gone now anyway.

She noticed Billie's eyes getting glassy with tears and Wini frowned, a pang of consciousness hitting her squarely in the chest. She was making Lip's ex girlfriend cry now? What was she even doing right now. Wini almost sighed and backed down, was very well on that path but Billie's firm reply of not telling her anything frustrated her. With Lip, she tried to be more cognizant of his feelings, tried not to push too hard, tried to coax and reason because she was his friend, but.. she wasn't as close to Billie. And now she certainly wouldn't be after everything so she felt no need to give her the same kind of slack.

"Fine then, don't," she said quickly, as if she hadn't just pleaded for her to tell her, her voice seeming loud compared to Billie's quietness. Wini didn't like the way it sounded in the bathroom. It didn't feel right but she was worked up, anger simmering inside her and she didn't know how to handle it other than let it out. "I know you probably don't care what I think, but it makes me mad that you hurt him like this. Especially after everything that happened with his parents and his sister. Why would you lie to him?" She still didn't know what the lie was about, only that it had crushed her friend and if he didn't want to tell her himself, she would search for her own answers.

She shut her mouth, feeling tense, not liking the way Wini’s voice seemed to echo in the bathroom. It felt like every surface was directed at her, and she could too-easily imagine Wini’s words in her own voice, reflecting. Especially after everything. She knew. Of course she knew. And Wini was wrong about one thing; Billie did care what she thought. Not so long ago she’d wanted so badly to be liked by the other girl. What a mess she’d made.

“I didn’t want to,” Billie said, reaching for another paper towel. This one she folded in half, ready to dab below her eyes. She just couldn’t show up to class looking like she’d been crying, again. “Hurt him,” she added unnecessarily. Winifred was such a direct girl, asking things so pointedly, taking the most obvious conversational route every time. Billie wondered distantly if she and Killian would get along, then wondered why Phillip had hated all of her friends when so many of them were like the girl in front of her now.

She looked at herself in the mirror, unwilling to look at the taller girl to her right. Tired eyes stared back at her. Pink cheeks, she noted. Blotchy. Damn. She had to stop giving half answers, they only seemed to make Wini madder. “I should get to class,” she said after a beat, finally making hesitant eye contact.

"Well, you did," Wini told her before she realized the words sounded harsher than she intended. Or did they? She had told herself she was just coming to Billie for answers, to help Lip, but there was this simmering anger inside on behalf of her friend and she didn't quite know what to do with it. She didn't like the idea that it had felt good to snap at the younger girl. She didn't know what that meant about why she was so bent on it.

No wonder Marin had said this was a bad idea. Why hadn't she listened.

Wini forced herself to take a step back and turned so she was facing the sink again, fiddling with the tube of cherry lip balm between her fingers, not wanting to look at Billie anymore. The Hufflepuff didn't want to see her blotchy cheers and those sad eyes. "Yeah, you should," Wini answered, though she didn't think it was necessary. "Go on then," she added as she thought of Billie going back to her little group of friends while Lip isolated himself from everyone. Including her.

It didn't seem like Billie had had the same problem though. She seemed to pair up with the Gryffindor prefect a lot on their rounds. Kevin? Kai? She would have to ask Marin, he would know. But something clicked into place, a suspicion that she had pushed away initially in her discussion with Marin over what could have happened. But thinking about that Gryffindor boy made her shoot her gaze back to Billie, her brown eyes wide with surprise. "Are you.. did you cheat on him? That Gryffindor boy..."

Go on, then, Wini had said, so Billie walked. One hand curled around the folded paper towel she’d been using to dry her tears and the other curled around the leather strap of her bag; she could feel her fingernails pressing neatly into both palms. There was a part of her that wished she didn’t feel so trapped by her own politeness, that she’d just left a little earlier, rather than wait, but—

Wini spoke again.

Billie stopped, turning quickly to meet her gaze. “No” she said, feeling too-warm and too-emotional. She wanted desperately to know if that was Wini’s inference, or if that had come from Phillip. Not that she thought he’d tell his friends that she cheated on him, exactly, but she had wondered at times before the break if he’d shared his frustrations or anxieties with anyone other than her. It was unimaginably frustrating to feel like she had such intimate access to his mind only weeks ago, and was now left grasping to guess at his motivations. She missed having him to share her thoughts with, too; for a little while, it hadn’t been so easy to find the place where she ended and he started, but now she could see the borders of herself, just so. In his voice, she heard: You spend more time with Killian— she cut the thought off, but it lingered in her mind.

“Of course not,” she said, even though she knew it wasn’t so obvious to the other girl. Wini didn’t know her very well, didn’t know that Billie had never wanted anyone else, and didn’t really feel like she ever would. If Killian were a girl, Billie was sure he wouldn't have drawn such jealousy — Billie doubted he'd have even known his name. But she couldn’t stay and defend herself here, because even if that particular thing was incorrect, any bad thing that Phillip was feeling right now was her fault. So she turned away and didn’t stop walking.

Wini gave a little nod at Billie's immediate 'no' but she wasn't quite convinced it was the truth. If Lip had broken up with her because she had lied, something big enough that would tear the two of them apart, who was Wini to trust anything she said now?

Still... the way she denied it so quickly, the other girl's gaze clear, made her feel a tiny bit better. If it was true, Wini would be happy that her friend hadn't been treated like that. If it was true. In classic Billie and Lip fashion, her 'of course not' wasn't really an explanation either. She was more tight-lipped than Lip and she hadn't thought that was possible. The two of them were so frustrating! "Good," was all she replied with, clipped, cold. It didn't sound like her.

Wini crossed her arms in front of her, snapping the lid of her lip balm closed in one hand, as she watched the other girl move away. Run away, more like it. And as soon as she was gone, Wini exhaled heavily, releasing tension in her shoulders she hadn't realized she had been holding. She turned to look at herself in the mirror, but all she could see were Billie's tear-stained cheeks and pale green eyes and she felt... bad. But then, an image of how miserable Lip was floated through her mind and she pushed back against both of them. She shouldn't have to feel guilty for defending her friend. But she did. And she wasn't sure what to do about it.

So she pushed her blonde waves behind one ear, straightened her earring and then headed towards Charms, rushing a little as she realized she was later than she should be. Not that Flitwick would mind too much hopefully. But as usual in times like these, she sought out Marin and his calm countenance to counterbalance the riot of emotions she was trying to sort through.

/end