apocynthion { killian }

She’d tensed a little when he’d hugged her, but she relaxed now, after the initial surprise had worn off. She wondered again if he understood what she was saying — how undermining these kinds of concepts would have been for her at that age, how much more difficult it would have made it for her to accept her new reality and her new life — and came to the same conclusion; that she didn’t have the energy to explain. Maybe another time, she thought.

She was used to other people being right about these kinds of grand moral things, used to accepting other people’s points of view, adopting them as her own. She was easily appealed to, easily swayed by anyone with an iota of authority or — especially — anyone who seemed to care about her. Even now, she found it difficult to say that she wanted time to learn, and process. It was always easier to agree, and often even easy to agree and mean it.

There was certainly a part of her that felt compelled to do that now.

“Oh,” Billie said, blinking. “Of course you can, but… He’s not violent but he might steal something,” she said, resisting the urge to glance at him again, a non-verbal check-in. When she and Phillip had sent Denny back and forth from their tower windows late at night, he’d often returned to her dorm with the odd bit of parchment, or a knut. Once it had been a chocolate frog card, and she was pretty sure that wasn’t Phillip’s. Thinking of him, Billie straightened up a little, leaning away slightly, hoping Killian would do the same. Phillip would hate it; it was too intimate. Not that he was her boyfriend to betray, anymore.

She ran her fingertips lightly over the cover of the book in her lap. “Ki,” she said, quiet again. “I’m very glad we had that conversation in January, but you would tell me if it got too…” she flipped through a thesaurus in her head, and sighed. “Too much? I mean, I just don’t want…” Frustrating. “I tend towards feeling burdensome,” she said, finally looking at him as she settled on the right words. She had a habit of making herself smaller than she was, and now that he paid attention to her, he seemed to have noticed. “I don’t want to be that, for you. And I’m not used to this,” she added gently, though that should be obvious. Billie Fay did not talk about herself.

He might steal something. Killian laughed despite himself, a short barking one swiftly cut short. "Oh," he said, realizing Billie was quite serious, "I'm sure it'll be fine. If he steals anything interesting, could you return it?" He wondered what Denny might find on the Buckley back porch of interest -- maybe a bauble of Nora's, or a term paper from one of Mum's student. Certainly nothing that interesting. As long as he didn't fly at Dad's head.

Maybe laughing was the wrong move. Billie pulled away from him. Ki dropped his arm, trying to ignore the irrational pang of disappointment stabbing at his gut.

Too much? Killian shook his head before he had really processed the question. Stopped mid-shake, nodded instead. "Yes, I mean, no -- no, it's not too much, now, and yes, I'll let you know if it becomes too much." He wasn't sure how honest that was, really -- he could see it all becoming overwhelming in the future, could see him grin and bear it. He swallowed, resolving to not let that happen. "You aren't a burden. I know that probably doesn't make you feel less of one -- but you aren't to me. And people aren't burdens."

He folded his hands in his lap. "If I feel like I can't talk about this, I'll tell you, alright? Mid-conversation, even. Promise." She wasn't used to this, but what was this? Talking about trauma, about prison abolition, about herself? Killian frowned, unsure what to say. He settled on, "We'll figure it out," vague enough to cover all possibilities of what she meant.

Dimly, he was aware of the watch on his wrist ticking. He wished it silent -- it kept ticking. 

“Yes, of course,” Billie said, the smallest of smiles forming in response to his laugh — her first one in a short while. Her thoughts, however, lingered on Phillip. Would he hate it if she and Killian sent notes back and forth with Denny, like she used to do with him? It was a little absurd, she thought, to be thinking questions like that, but she still found herself firmly believing both possible answers — believing that yes, he’d hate it and that that was a good enough reason not to do it, and also that no, he didn’t care what she did. Because he didn’t care about her at all, anymore.

Killian started speaking, responding with a lot of words where only a few were probably needed, and she nodded. There was something nice about spending time with someone who said so much of what they thought. It was too much, sometimes, but only when they disagreed on something. Billie didn’t cope well with negative criticism, even if it only fit that criteria vaguely and indirectly. She smiled a little, both at what he was saying and how he was saying it. Even when his too-many-words were a little unclear, she still felt like she knew exactly what he was thinking.

People aren’t burdens.

She didn’t know why that made her feel particularly vulnerable. Her smile slipped just a touch.

“Okay,” she breathed, letting herself feel reassured. She nodded. There was a persistent voice in her mind telling her that he was simply being kind, as he always was, and that he didn’t mean what he was saying, but she pushed it back into the depths. He promised to be honest with her, and he looked quite serious when he said it. That was reassuring, too. “Pinky promise?” she asked quietly, holding her hand out, pinky first, the way that Nola had taught her. She gave him a small smile, internally frowning at herself a moment later for initiating the contact.

"Are you tired?" she asked curiously. She didn’t want to go. “I don’t want to keep you,” she said, glancing over her shoulder, towards the Gryffindor common room entrance.

Her pinky extended to him. Killian smiled wide and sincere, looking at her with sudden fondness. His hand extended out, wrapped his pinky finger around hers. Pumped their hands up and down in a firm yet delicate handshake motion. "Pinky promise," he repeated, his voice low and earnest, delighted to share something so silly yet important with Billie.

It was like watching her become someone else -- no, just more herself, in these last couple weeks. A year ago Billie wouldn't have known how to pinkie swear. A year ago Billie wouldn't have talked to him about prison abolition. A year ago Billie hardly talked to anyone. Of course, about a year ago was when he had started to fall for her, and now he was ... not falling out, just no longer feeling so romantically towards her -- and what did that say about him? Killian pushed that thought away, not pleased with the implications.

Are you tired? Billie asked, and suddenly he rather felt like he was, whatever energy that had been carrying him through the conversation melting away from him. Killian shook his head anything. "No, not just yet." Not for the first time this week Killian thought about how lousy it must be to have a birthday on Valentine's Day. It weighed more acutely on him this year, because -- well. Without his permission, the boy's cheeks got a little dark.

Billie was looking toward the common room entrance now. Killian's eyes followed her gaze, frowned. "Though..." He bit his lip. He had meant to mention this before now, but it hadn't come up, or he hadn't let it come up. Killian looked back at Billie, his expression screaming embarrassment. "Maybe I should go in soon -- I think, maybe Mavis will be waiting up for me." God, must he feel so guilty saying this to her? Killian didn't even like Billie any more, couldn't, because --

"I have a girlfriend?"

Killian cringed. "Uh, Mae, I mean. It's new. Should have told you sooner though." He rubbed the back of his neck, glancing to Billie with an apologetic smile.

His hand was bigger than hers (similar to Phillip's, she noted, against her best efforts), and just a little sweaty. Bang a gavel, she thought, nodding once as he pinky-shook her hand. “Good,” she said definitively, her smile small but a little light in her eyes as she met his gaze. She was careful not to wipe her hand on her robes as she pulled it back, not wanting him to feel self-conscious.

Billie smiled a little more at his answer, happy with the prospect of staying up a bit later. “I’m —” She cut herself off as he said though, her oceany eyes flicking to him. He was biting his lip. I’m not either, was the full sentence she’d been meaning to say, even though it was definitely some sort of lie. She could probably fall asleep right at this moment, if she were showered and dressed for bed, her blankets pulled right up to her chin. She wasn’t really asking if he was sleepy, though, she was just giving him an out, and her answer was implying the same thing — that she didn’t want or need one.

“Though?” she prompted. Then, “Oh." She was feeling a little puzzled — Mavis might be waiting? She nodded all the same, eyebrows raised a touch in a very polite sort of agreement. “Of course,” she added, shaping herself so easily around his wants. Maybe they had some kind of studying plans or something; Billie didn’t deign to guess at what Gryffindors got up to late at night.

Then he elaborated.

“Oh?” she said again, eyebrows raised just a little more.

“I’m sorry," she said politely. He looked at her, and she glanced away. Realising her wording, she added quickly, “I mean, I think that's quite lovely Ki — a good match. I’m just sorry for keeping you.” She gave him a polite smile, placing two hands on top of her new book, waiting for him to stand so that she could follow suit. She could feel it happening; the extra politeness creeping in at the edges, the desire to be even more compliant, adapt to whatever he wanted to do.

Maybe he hadn't told her because he knew that people being happy and in love — or in crush, whatever — would make her chest hurt a little, still heartbroken as she was (it did). Or maybe it just hadn't seemed important. Not because he didn't like or trust her or want to share things! But for some other, totally different reason, outside of her grasp of understanding. Maybe it was just a boy thing, she thought, to not talk about those kinds of topics? He'd said he should have told her sooner, which only served to make her wonder just how long it'd been happening.

She felt nervous now, vulnerable for some reason. They'd talked about quite sensitive things tonight, even if not in so much depth. She wondered what Mae would know, and how she'd feel about the hugging and the pinky promise. She was glad, suddenly, that she'd pulled away not so long after he'd put his arms around her.

Oh, said Billie. Then, oh? Killian rather felt like he had been caught in some sort of crime – not by anyone who could enforce anything, but by a disapproving adult. Not grassed out, but left with a heavy sense of having done something wrong. She apologized, which didn't make much sense. He looked at her, confusion apparently clear in his expression because she explained herself in short order. Or, not explained. Deflected.

"You don't have to be," Killian said, a little alarm creeping into the edges of his voice. "I mean, like, this is my job, innit? She knows we have patrol and we hang out, she won't mind." Now that he said it aloud, Killian wasn't so sure, but he certainly couldn't let Billie hear that. She was so clearly closing up to him. He hated it.

Was it the delay? Billie was looking away from him, so he looked straight ahead at the nearest wall. "It's just been a couple days, mind, and we haven't had patrol since it happened, and – " Killian bit his lip down on the excuse creeping out, I wasn't ready to tell you, since I was pining for you for half a year, haha not having quite the right sensibility for the moment. "And, I know I've been a bit of a pill about –" no, but she didn't want to talk about him. He coughed. "You know, and I didn't want to rub it in or whatever." Well, that was all shite, wasn't it? "I'm sorry," he finished, all out of steam. "You were the first person I wanted to tell, though. I think I got all up in my head about it.

God, but he felt like right shit now. Could they go back to talking about prison abolition, please?

Killian shifted on the steps, leaning forward to hug his knees. "Could always sneak you in, if you wanted to say hi and not go back to your Tower yet." It was vaguely scandalous, but Killian had gotten detention one month into his prefectship. He could break another rule or two and still be the second best Gryffindor male Prefect in years.

“Of course,” Billie said, responding to the job comment, but she couldn’t help but glance over her shoulder towards the portrait. As if Mavis might step out at any moment, and find the pair of them curled up side by side on the stairs together.

Billie felt nervous, having poured her heart out to this boy, but, but —

No, she thought, cutting herself off. It wasn’t as if every couple were like she and Phillip had been, with the expectation that they came first, above everything else.

She couldn’t have imagined keeping anything from Phillip, aside from that one thing. She would have willingly shared secrets about her friends, if she’d ever had the inkling that he’d want to know anything about anyone other than her.

If she’d ever had any secrets to share.

But. Not every couple was like that. Not every girlfriend or boyfriend was someone’s person, their family, their home. And then Billie wondered why she was even thinking of this at all; he hadn’t even told her he had a girlfriend until now, why would she presume to think that her “secrets” were at risk at all?? She just felt stupid and vulnerable, and she pushed it all away, trying to fall back on polite, which was a far more reliable and stable thing to be.

It was a strange mix of feelings that twisted up with one another inside her chest. There was some guilt, as if she hadn’t been a good enough friend to notice, and a big sense of… Something like disappointment? That he hadn’t told her already? She imagined that they’d been dating for weeks, and that everyone knew except for her, and wondered again why he hadn’t said —

“Oh,” she said again, looking back at him, eyebrows raised slightly in curiosity. Just a few days. The polite smile was still there, and she made sure to keep the relief she suddenly felt out of it. “Oh, no.” Billie shook her head, understanding that there was something apologetic in the explanation of why he hadn’t told her sooner, and not wanting one at all. “There’s no need…” She frowned slightly, tensed internally, to hear Phillip’s name, not really relaxing when it didn’t come out.

She shook her head again. “There’s really nothing to apologise for,” she said, something a little more genuine in this smile. Rueful too, just a touch. “You and Mae are a very cute couple,” she added. A part of her did want to ask more, like about who’d asked who, and how. About if they’d done anything for Valentine’s day, or if he’d thought about that at all beforehand. But he was, well, a boy. She’d ask Barbara questions until the other girl indicated enough questions had been asked, but the most she’d ever talked with a boy (space) friend about their love lives had probably been when the pair of them had glossed over Phillip tonight.

She wanted to fidget, run her fingers over the raised surface of the title of the book in her lap, or adjust her hair or something, but she stayed still instead. She almost laughed when he suggested that she come into the Gryffindor common room, but just shook her head instead. “Not... tonight,” she said, just a touch of tease in between those two words. She tried to find a comfortable place between teasing and polite, using both to help herself withdraw. “Besides, it’s Valentine’s day — shouldn’t you go and kiss your girlfriend goodnight?” she asked.

Billie turned her head, the featherlike ends of her bob falling in this oddly entrancing way. Killian watched them settle for a moment, marvelling at how white people hair could be so light, before realizing she was looking towards the Fat Lady.

Oh, he thought. Okay. It hurt a little, that she was waiting for him to go, but what had he been expecting? Billie had never liked him the way he had liked her. Stupid to think that she might want to keep his company a little longer. Stupider still to be disappointed that she didn't. And furthermore, he did want to go inside, give Mavis a kiss goodnight and apologize for missing whatever glittery extravaganza the girls had put on.

And he was mucking up this whole evening with Billie, wasn't he? Her jaw did something, tightened when he almost mentioned Phillip, and didn't unclench when Killian clumsily moved past it. "Right, course not, that's usually my line, innit?" Killian tried to crack a jokey smile, only half getting there. You and Mae are a very cute couple, Billie said, and Killian's cheeks darkened. He was -- flattered, embarassed, uncomfortable in a new way. He tried not to show the last one. "Thanks. She's doing most of the cute, I think -- my jumpers are all coated with glitter." He laughed, a little more relaxed now but still more tense than he had been.

Not... tonight, Billie said, and at that Killian laughed, head tilting back into a full chortle. "Another time then. The girls would love to have you up there, talk all sorts of nonsense about me and such." He really -- he really should go kiss his girlfriend good night, though. He was almost frustrated that Billie was so right. He pushed himself off the steps, holding a hand out to help Billie up. "I can walk you back to the usual spot, at least?"

She smiled a bit at the usually my line comment; he was right. So what was he apologising for, then? Not telling her sooner, when it had only just happened a couple of days ago? A couple of days in romance-time was pretty long, she conceded internally. If Barbara had a new boyfriend and waited days to tell her, she’d probably feel at least a little hurt. But, maybe this was what being friends with boys looked like, she thought. She tried to ignore the uncomfortable tug of anxiety that had her wondering what their friendship would look like now.

Billie only really had her relationship with Phillip to compare this with, and her thoughts kept circling back to how jealous he’d been of her friendship with Killian. Mavis had exactly zero in common with her ex boyfriend (a pang, here), so it would be silly to presume she’d be jealous of Billie’s friendship with Ki (and Mavis and Killian had known each other longer! There were so many differences!), but she couldn’t stop wondering…

She blinked. “Are they?” she asked. Glittery sweaters, he said? She could actually imagine it quite clearly. “Oh, that’s really quite sweet, isn’t it,” Billie said, smiling a bit as he laughed. Painfully sweet, she thought, feeling an unexpected swell of sentimentality at the picture his words painted. Actually, it hurt her chest a little to think about. Her smile didn’t slip, of course, but she couldn’t help but think of Phillip. Couldn’t help but feel his absence more acutely, miss him a little more. Ouch.

“Another time,” Billie agreed with a nod, clearly having exactly zero intentions to ever follow that through. Lingering in hallways at the edges of curfews was one thing, but sneaking into different common rooms seemed like too serious a rule to break. Plus, the castle might just teleport her into the lake or something for such a crime; it seemed like the kind of thing Hogwarts would do.

“Oh,” she breathed, taking his hand and letting him help her up. “Thank you.” She was a bit caught up in her head still, feeling both sad and sentimental about her relationship with Phillip, and nervous about the way things were going to fit together from here on out with Mavis. Should she pull away a little, maybe? “All right, that sounds nice,” Billie said, nodding again. She imagined him walking her all of the way up to the entrance to the Ravenclaw common room, only for her to suggest walking him down again. It was an amusing idea.

They’d covered so many different things in the last half hour that Billie wasn’t sure what she should say next. Now that the initial surprise had faded, and especially now that she was feeling relieved at the fact that Killian hadn’t intentionally kept her in the dark for weeks for some unfathomable reason (like, he hated her or something), she was curious about Mavis.

Billie was quiet for a moment, as they started the slow descent back down the Gryffindor steps. “Did you ask her, then?” She asked, giving him a light smile, ready to drop the subject if he wasn’t inclined to gush.

"I think it's sweet, but it's also a nightmare in the dorm," Killian said, wincing a little bit. "Mercutio really will not let anything alone." The Scottish wizard was a right git about teasing -- Killian knew it was in good fun, but it came off some kind of way when it was MacTaggert. "And, technically not dress code."

Another time, said Billie, which sounded like too much of a commitment to adventure to possibly be true, which was -- sweet, and funny in it's way, that she would even verbalize doing such nonsense. Killian smiled, jotting down the date and time in a memory somewhere for when the day came to remind Billie of what she said. It would be brilliant. Last day of seventh year or something, they would break all the rules, or at least that one.

Billie took his hand and hauled herself up, agreeing to walking together at least a while longer. He really ought to go back inside, but it was late, and Billie didn't want to walk alone, that was how they had ended up here in the first place, wasn't it? And he felt very comfortable just -- being, just being near Billie now, and he was half afraid that Mavis wouldn't like that. The longer they were out, the longer Killian didn't have to have that conversation. "Wicked," Killian said, turning and starting down the steps -- two quick skips down, then slower, in no particular hurry.

There was a comfortable moment of quiet before Billie asked a question. Killian blinked. "Er, yeah, I reckon so," he said, scratching at the nape of his neck. "It was a little bit -- I didn't build up to it or nothing, it just kind of came up while we were working on stuff together." Could Billie see his cheeks darkening? "It was all quite goofy, actually." His eyes slid over to Billie - was this alright? was she genuinely curious? How had Phillip asked her? Have I done it all wrong?

Billie raised her eyebrows when he said it was a nightmare, wondering what he could possibly mean by that. “Oh, Gryffindor boys,” she said, sounding understanding, as if those two words summed it all up quite neatly. She smiled just a little to show she was teasing — clearly he was a Gryffindor boy, and he was no nightmare by any stretch of the imagination. She was amused by the dress code comment, and the smile lingered as she got to her feet and started the descent.

Billie was glad she and Killian had become friends now, rather than when they were a little younger. She’d made a comment somewhat to the contrary earlier, but if she really thought about it, she thought her younger self would probably find him quite jarring. She’d been even less comfortable socially, back then. Even more shy and pathetic. She wondered, not for the first time, why he even liked spending time with her at all.

“Was it?" she asked, raising her eyebrows slightly at goofy. "Did you like her for a while, then? Before that?” Billie asked curiously. She’d never spoken to a boy about his crushes or any adjacent topics before. Other than Phillip, of course. She couldn’t help but think of their first kiss, or when they’d had their first conversation about ‘what they were’, when he’d asked her if she was interested in dating anyone else — because he wasn’t. She’d been so taken aback by the concept that she’d asked if he was joking. It seemed like a sweet anecdote to share, if they were still together, or if their breakup had happened long enough ago that it didn’t literally hurt her chest just to think about.

“It sounds sweet,” Billie added, because it really did. When he’d said he “didn't want to rub it in or whatever”, she hadn’t really taken it seriously; it sounded like the polite thing to do, rather than an actual concern. Now that she was here, though, listening to the details, she found herself feeling jealous of his position. Found herself missing her (ex) boyfriend a little more. It was silly, and she pushed the feeling down; jealousy wasn’t becoming, and it didn’t suit her.

"Gryffindor boys," Killian agreed, grinning. That was it, wasn't it? White Gryffindor boys.

Billie didn't sound like he believed her. "I thought it was goofy, at any rate," Killian said, stuffing his hands into his pockets. "Didn't get roses or anything, but maybe you do that for wedding proposals and not, uh, boyfriend girlfriend proposals?" He sounded like a right idiot saying that. "Hadn't even really meant to ask her, just sort of fell into it." His cheeks went hot -- Christ, but that sounded like he didn't want to ask her, didn't it? "I think I would have, intentionally, soon? But not then. Would have wanted to ask Nola some questions first, kind of thing. Though," he tilted his head to the side, thinking, "I bet that would have ended up with Nola just telling her. So. All worked out."

Wy was he babbling why was he babbling

Billie asked a very reasonable question and it made him very uncomfortable. "Uh, I reckon so," Killian said, painfully aware of how shite that sounded. "I mean, obviously I've loved her as a friend for ages, she was one of my first magical friends after Josie, but..." He frowned, biting his lower lip and trying to put how it all was into words that didn't sound dismissive. How to say that he hadn't had a crush on Mavis, like, at all, and that he knew what a crush was, but the fondness between them had just suddenly metamorphosed into something new?

He resisted the urge to pull his hands back out of his pockets. "I reckon it was like -- I figured she'd never like me like that, right? And I never ever wanted to ruin our friendship, its so important to me? So I just, kind of, shoved those feelings away." It was uncomfortable how this, so far, could be about two people. "But then, I, uh, accidentally said so much -- look I told you it was goofy, I meant to say "I like your quill" -- and she felt the same?  And it was like," Killian felt himself speeding up and forced himself to take a breath. "Like some dam just burst, and my head finally let me feel things properly."

Killian looked at the stone beneath them, between his shoes and Billie's. "Dunno if that makes sense." A beat, then - "Thank you for asking. We don't have to talk about it more, if it bothers you. I don't want you to feel like you have to ask if you're still hurting."

“Boyfriend girlfriend proposals?” she repeated quietly, affectionate amusement growing as he went on. Billie stayed quiet for a while, more than comfortable settling into her role as listener and more than grateful that he wanted to share it with her at all. His voice echoed in the stairwell and she silently urged him to quieten just a touch (he didn’t).

Obviously I loved her as a friend for ages. Billie nodded at that, understanding it well. She had a big capacity for loving other people, she thought. Platonically, familiarly, romantically. The list of people she’d do anything for only grew bigger as she got older. She listened to the story he was telling, finding the way he was getting flustered the further it went quite endearing. He must like Mavis a lot, she thought, even if he hadn’t really realised it until recently.

“Aw,” she said, at the shoved those feelings away part. Billie had only ever crushed on a couple of people, ever, and she’d only ever had one boyfriend, so her experience here was actually quite limited — but she was quite a romantic at heart. She understood caring about someone and not believing they’d ever like you back. She understood not thinking she was desirable, as a girlfriend or, honestly, even just as a friend — she’d felt similarly in every friendship she’d ever had. “But she did,” Billie said, urging him onward.

He dropped his gaze to the floor and she let her own linger on his face for a moment longer before looking ahead once more. She couldn’t help but compare his experience with Mavis to her own with Phillip in Keithcairn, though they were quite different. She and Phillip had already kissed — more than once — by the time words like boyfriend or girlfriend were ever spoken, and she’d been in love with him for years. Young-teen love, sure, but the point stood.

Billie smiled at the dam simile. She glossed over the bit before that — something about a quill? — but she liked that part. “That’s quite romantic,” she mused out loud. “It does,” she added, reassuring him that it did, in fact, make sense. She wondered if Phillip had felt anything like that; she’d always known that she’d had romantic feelings for him longer than he had for her. Maybe there had been a bursting-dam-like moment at some point last year. She swallowed against a lump in her throat.

And then of course her friend did that Very Killian Thing that he always did, and shone the conversational spotlight back on her, and her feelings. The way he jumped straight to validating anything she might be feeling was so — so kind (she compared it internally to Rowen, who had been quite mocking about her staying in her dorm for the past month), but also quite tiring for her. Billie wasn’t always ready to address every little feeling she had the moment she had it.

She shook her head automatically — of course she was still hurting, and of course she felt like she had to ask (it was what friends were supposed to do!) but she wanted to know, too. "Don't worry," she said, wanting to touch his arm or something, but refraining. "I'd tell you," she added reassuringly, but it was probably a lie.

They arrived at the bottom of the stairs, and Billie turned the corner, stepping out of the way as a ghost moved through the wall beside her. After a moment, she continued. "I haven't had a conversation like this in a while — Barbie and Owain were together for so long, you know," And she didn't have many other friends to speak about such things with. Rowen didn't have a boyfriend, for example. "It's quite exciting isn't it?" she gave him a small smile.

Billie kept nodding and encouraging and complimenting and for once Killian understood why maybe Billie never wanted to talk about herself. This felt embarrassing! Killian flushed darker, though in the little light it was probably impossible to see. "You think? I thought I quite mucked it all up." Romantic. He could be romantic. He would like to be the kind of man women thought was a romantic. It seemed nicer than any alternative.

I'd tell you, Billie said, and Killian wanted to believe her so badly. He almost could. But it sounded more like an echo of his own reassurance from earlier, that he had meant earnestly, honestly, then Billie coming to the same emotional truth. "Thank you," Killian said, anyway, like he believed her. Maybe he was wrong. He would very much like to be wrong.

Nearly Headless Nick clipped through the wall as they turned the corner. Killian gave his house ghost a little wave, keeping step with Billie and keeping the silence while she gathered her thoughts. "They were, weren't they?" Killian said, though he didn't have all that much interest in Owain's relationships. "Must have been exciting at the start, them, too." Was it exciting for him? Killian ducked his head down, trying to hide a blush. "The lads wouldn't let me say so, but, yeah, it is."

Was it for you and Donnelly? an intrusive little voice wanted to ask. Killian bit his lip. No. No no no no. Never mind that Billie was so clearly not over it – he had a girlfriend now. He didn't need to be so angry/jealous/upset/disgusted with Phillip Donnelly any more. And yet.

"Is there anything I should, uh, know?" He asked instead, to fill the silence. "Like, are their flowers what are bad luck, or mean you hate your girlfriend, or some sort of wizarding girl code?" It was a ridiculous question. Killian felt ridiculous. 

“Well, I wasn’t present,” obviously; she was still teasing, gently, “But the way you just described it sounds quite romantic to me.” She liked the way he talked about his feelings, and hoped for Mavis’ sake that he had, or would in the future, explain it like that to her, too. But then, perhaps Billie was just unrealistically romantic herself? Who knew what kinds of things Mavis liked to hear — certainly not Billie. She wasn’t inclined to presume those kinds of things about people she didn’t know very well.

She tried not to linger on that fact as they walked. Maybe everything would be fine! Maybe Mavis would be surprisingly relaxed? Billie certainly planned on putting a little more polite distance between herself and her friend from here on out, after all.

Admittedly, on the one hand it did seem a little stupid of her to be obsessing over this; most of Killian’s friends were girls, after all. But Billie was a very new addition to the group, and not as close to Mavis as the others were. She still wasn’t quite sure how she fit, especially after avoiding them (and everyone) for the past month and a half. She would be sad to lose the group of them, she thought wistfully, before chastising herself for jumping ahead when she really had no idea how things would play out. Better to stick to the present, for now.

Billie nodded, smiling a small smile. She had certainly teased Barbara an appropriate amount for it, back then. Until Barbie had been done with the teasing, that was (not that she’d ever said as much, of course; Billie had just known). She tried to relax, and let herself get caught up in his happiness and nerves, rather than linger on her own sadness. It was more complex a thing than she’d have predicted, which seemed rather selfish. She couldn't stop thinking about Phillip, and how they'd gotten together, and how it was her sixteenth birthday and how she hadn't seen him today.

She glanced at Ki as he ducked his head; he was far too tall for a head-duck to hide anything, she thought, with a little amused affection. If anything it just made him easier to look at — a foot difference in height did that. And it seemed he’d grown an extra centimetre or two while she hadn’t been paying attention, though she might have been mistaken. Was he blushing? She felt a swell of something in her chest that had to be Phillip-related. "It's supposed to be," she said kindly, her voice a little sentimental.

Billie actually laughed a little at the last part, covering her lips with her free hand. Just a short one, more like a light chuckle or a giggle. She held her new book to her chest with her other hand. “A witch code, you mean?” she asked. “Wizarding-girl, honestly.” She shook her head, smiling a little. “I don’t know, not really? Yellow roses are for friends, don’t mess up her lipgloss…” She listed a couple of the most basic and obvious things and glanced at him to check if they seemed basic and obvious to him. “I’ll flick through Teen Witch for you and see if they have any pointers.”