Magical Hogwarts

November 12, 2005

Does he love you
The way that I do
Breathing in lighting
Tonight's for fighting
I feel the hurt so physical

Dzmitry was in Dottrar Vik that weekend, feeling strange and unsure of himself. He and Stepan were really done now, weren’t they? After what Dzmitry had thought was a fun Halloween night, he had been pulled aside by his boyfriend. A girl had tried to kiss him, and he had rebuffed her, and he had thought that was it–but when Stepan broke things off, Dzmitry felt unsure and confused. What had he done wrong? He was just being nice to her! He hadn’t tried to kiss her or told her it was okay to do, but he was in trouble anyway?

He had waited about a week to let Stepan cool off, trying a few times to talk in between then, but then Saturday he had ended up with Leo, heated. He had not meant for that to happen, had only been looking to commiserate with a familiar face, but it had. The next day, when he finally cornered Stepan in the showers, they began kissing too. Dzmitry had thought this was going well until he noticed something Leo had left on him, and he pulled away sharply and then rejected Dzmitry on the spot. Sore-hearted, he had done something he probably shouldn’t have–he went right back to Leo.

Now, though, he felt empty. Stepan didn’t want him, and he knew Leo didn’t really like him, but he didn’t know what he was supposed to do now. He hurt, a lot. Now, he was alone in the town the next weekend, things still feeling fresh, and he stopped by the pub for a drink to ease his nerves. That was when he saw Mihkkal, a semi-friend, more of a hook up, looking absolutely miserable. Even Dzmitry didn’t think he, himself, looked that miserable. Mihkkal might have gone through some shit. While they had had a rocky few weeks at the beginning of term (Mihkkal seemed to think last semester meant they were going to be dating), they had mostly patched up now. He bit his lip, considered, and then went over. He plopped into the seat by him.

“Hey, why the long face?” He asked, flicking his eyes over to his face. “Everything okay, man?”

@Mihkkal Huuskonen

It had been almost two weeks since the blowup. Mihkkal hadn’t so much found out that Kanat was cheating, he had come out and told him directly. He still felt all kinds of ways when he thought about it. He was angry, hurt, betrayed, embarrassed, and disappointed all at once. Had you asked him the day before he would have said that he and Kanat were doing just fine. Nothing really had changed. They had been spending time in and after classes working on keeping up some kind of passable marks in the more wand heavy classes, doing their best to balance scores with better theory. They had been meditating, carving runes, and all the other things young elementals did to build their skill. Overall, it had seemed fine, right up until it wasn’t.

The intervening two weeks had been like playing the avoid game. Kanat had spent some time in the other boy’s dorm after Mihkkal’s reaction, but that couldn’t last forever. As such, Mihkkal just did his best to avoid Kanat. He still wasn’t ready to talk. He needed a bit more time to mope, to feel sorry for himself before he was ready for that. He knew it would have to come, but he didn’t know how he could. The boy still loved Kanat, they were still fellow elementals, but he didn’t know how he could ever trust him again. He didn’t know if they could be friends, or if they could, what that would look like.

To decrease the likelihood of running into Kanat, Mihkkal had altered his habits a bit, spending his weekends in one of the places he didn’t think he would ever run into Kanat, Dottrar Vik—specifically the village pub. It was a combination of processing, drowning his sorrows, and learning how to manage being 16. Today was less processing and more drowning—ironic for a water elemental who literally couldn’t, but hey, one can try. He’d already had two drinks by the time he heard a familiar voice in the seat next to him. ‘What’s a guy got to do to be alone in this place” he thought instinctively…at the same time, there was a part of him that was glad. Dzima was a good friend, and at one confusing point, something else. Mihkkal had been the main cause of that confusion, but that was then, they had worked through some of that since. At least Mihkkal thought they had.

Shaking his head, Mihkkal didn’t really try all that much to look any better than he felt. He didn’t want to act. He didn’t feel like trying to put on a façade of normalcy. “Hi,” Mihkkal took another drink from his glad, “long few weeks I guess you could say.” He paused, not sure how much of his personal life he wanted to share with Dzima—or anyone for that matter—but thinking it over for a moment, maybe talking about it would be a good thing. “Okay? Hmm, that’s an interesting question…do first breakups—I mean actual breakups—ever leave anyone okay?” Mihkkal didn’t wanna get too existential, but he was a teen, he had felt like his world was ending, he was only just now getting to the point where he could talk about it. If he came across a little awkward or overly dramatic, that was probably about right.

Dzmitry could tell from the other’s face there was something majorly wrong. He didn’t even try to perk up a little bit when Dzima came up, which most people probably would have. He didn’t look even remotely excited. He frowned a little bit at him, feeling bad that the other was hurting. He sat down beside him, reaching over to put a hand on the other’s arm reassuringly. “Oh shit, Kanat broke up with you?” He asked. That surprised him. Everyone knew Kanat was not really the dating type, but he also noticed that the two of them hadn’t changed their behavior at all since becoming a couple.  “That really sucks, man, but I know just how you feel.”

He called the bartender over and ordered a drink, glancing at Mihkkal. “Need another?” He wondered. “Stepan broke up with me, too.” He sighed. Saying it outloud made it feel worse. “I thought we might get back together by now, but it’s really not looking like it’s going to happen.” He swallowed. That hurt to say, too. “Do you think there’s any hope for you two? Getting back together or anything?” He asked.

Maybe it was his own broken relationship clouding his mind, but he hoped that Kanat and Mihkkal would work. At least one of them ought to be happy, right?

Dzima’s touch was gentle and reassuring, it was clearly a sympathetic gesture. Mihkkal, however, didn’t know how to respond. He hated feeling so broken, so vulnerable. He hated that others could see he was in pain. At the same time, some part of him longed for it. He wanted company in his misery. Holding back any kind of reaction to the touch, Mihkkal just nodded in response to Dzima’s question, “yea, I think I will take a drink. As for me and Kanat, I mean, I think he did at least. It’s kinda complicated…” he trailed off. He still wasn’t sure what he wanted anyone to know about what had happened. Mihkkal had seen Kanat in class on Monday after he had knocked him back and there was hardly any sign of bruising or swelling or anything. If that had happened, there would have been questions. As it was, so far at least, there hadn’t been many questions, it didn’t seem like anyone knew much.

Taking a breath, Mihkkal decided if someone was gonna know, Dzima was probably the best candidate. They were friends, Dzima had known Mihkkal was an elemental for about six months now and nobody knew about that, so it seemed he could keep a secret—at least if he wanted to. Steeling himself, Mihkkal decided when the drink got here, he would try to tell the story for the first time since it happened.

As they waited for the drinks to arrive, Dzima recounted his own relationship woes. Mihkkal immediately felt a pang of guilt. How could he be taking it so badly when Dzima was in such a similar situation. He was only thinking of himself—as he had been for the last two weeks—but now there was someone in the same, or at least a pretty freaking similar, situation as he was. Putting that guilt aside until he had time to think it over a little more, Mihkkal took the freshly arrived drink from the bartender without even acknowledging that he had come back by and said, “like I said, it’s a bit complicated.”

One big swig of his drink later, Mihkkal launched into his telling of the story. He started quite a bit further back, back at the beginning of the term. He told him about how he and Kanat had talked about what happened between Dzima and Mihkkal. He felt a little embarrassed to tell Dzima that he had shared that someone without asking, but trying to keep it together through the story kept him going right along. From the conversation at the lake about him and Dzima, Mihkkal told him about how they had started dating. How he had asked if it was ok, and Kanat had agreed. He told him about how they had been carving runes and how he had shared water from his home with Kanat. And then he got to the night when everything had fallen apart. “And then, after all of that, he came up on me after I had told him I needed my space and he grabbed my shoulder. Instinct took over, I just swung and backed off, I needed to get away from it all. I never officially broke it off with him, but I mean, it’s over—right? I mean, we still haven’t talked about it all yet, but he put the vial of water back on my bedtable…”

It was a big story, a lot to drop on someone, but Dzima had asked…downing the rest of his drink, Mihkkal signaled the bartender for another and waited to hear what Dzima had to say about the whole thing.

Dzmitry listened to the story, trying not to prickle with the part about him. He knew they had some trouble at the beginning of the school year, and part of Dzima wondered if maybe dating MIhkkal would have been easier than breaking up with Stepan. He would never know, he supposed.

“Oof, yeah man.” He sighed. “That’s really rough. I know you didn’t really mean to hit him but… you did. That’s pretty much a done deal.” He admitted. “I’m so surprised that Kanat would do that. I thought he was like… really anti-fucking around.” He considered, not knowing the correct words for it

“I think the vial on the beside table says it all. He would have kept that, don’t you think?” He asked, careful but worried a little for Mihkkal. “I’m really sorry, man.” He sighed. “I dunno if Stepan is seeing anyone else, but that would drive me crazy and we aren’t even dating anymore, you know?”

He ran his hand up Mihkkal’s arm and back down, soothingly.

There was a bit of a pregnant pause after Mihkkal had finished his story. It was fair, he had just dropped a few months of history on Dzima all in the span of one drink at a pub…it was a lot to process and Mihkkal probably wasn’t all that unbiased and clear as he tried to tell it. After a moment or two passed, Dzima broke the silence. Mihkkal expected what came next, but he didn’t really want to hear it. He hadn’t wanted to hear it at any point in the last two weeks, but deep down he knew it was true. ‘We’re done…I guess he’s right.’

As Dzima recounted all the evidence for his supposition, Mihkkal knew instinctively that he was right. If Kanat had wanted to get back together, if he had thought they were still a couple, he would have made some effort by now, wouldn’t he have? He would have said something, sent him something, something…but after a little over two weeks, nothing. Mihkkal had barely seen Kanat, partly because he had been avoiding him, but he could only do that so well with a housemate. There had been opportunity enough if he had really wanted to.

The other boy was saying all the right things. Mihkkal could tell. That wasn’t to say Mihkkal didn’t believe them, he just seemed to know all to well the feeling. He must truly have cared for Stepan. As Mihkkal felt Dzima running his hand along his arm, he reached down and rested a hand on Dzima’s. “Thanks,” he managed without really seeming to be able to put any emotion into the words. “I am sure you must think I am a pretty sad schmuck to be handling this so poorly. I mean, look at you, you just broke up and you aren’t hiding in the pub, drinking in the mid afternoon on a Saturday…I mean you are, but that’s cause you are here, trying to be nice to me.” It seemed the extra drinks were starting to catch up to Mihkkal. He drank occasionally, but even as much practice as he had had of late, he still wasn’t ready for day drinking on a Saturday.

Dzmitry smiled a little as the hand touched his own as he soothed Mihkkal. “No, you’re no schmuck.” He assured. “This is heartbreaking, so I don’t blame you at all.” He assured. “My breakup with Stepan was different, I mean… he didn’t cheat at all.” He assured. “Neither did I, for the record. But, Kanat…. Did. Fucked up. The last person I thought would do that.” He sighed. He drank some of his drink, and eyed Mihkkal.

“You want another or do you think you’re good?” He wondered, unsure how much MIhkkal had to drink before this. “I might get one more, but I don’t want to be too buzzed. I might get sad, considering.” He ordered the second drink for him. Ordered a water for Mihkkal, just in case.

“What are you gonna do?” Dzmitry wondered. “Do you wanna know who he’s seeing? Are you going to talk to him? Or, what? Rebound?”

Dzima was being a proper gentleman. Saying all the right things. It was nice—in a way—but Mihkkal still felt a bit like a schmuck. Heartbreaking. That was a good word for it in all respects. Mihkkal was heartbroken that his best friend, his boyfriend, cared so little for him that he cheated. Mihkkal was heartbroken that he had cared so little for his feelings that he decided that he needed to tell him. Mihkkal was heartbroken that he had hit him. There was a great deal of heartbreak to go around as far as Mihkkal was concerned.

“I am sorry too, you know. About you and the other guy—really—I am.” Mihkkal did feel genuine regret for Dzima, but it was hard to get out of his own head right now, to get away from his own pain. He could have, would have even, felt bad for Dzima if they had talked just a while before, back before Kanat had broken his heart. As Dzima asked if Mihkkal wanted another, he nodded. He probably shouldn’t have another, but what the hell, it wasn’t like he needed to stay sharp for anything today…he was still trying to drown his sorrow anyways.

Dzima’s next line of questioning took Mihkkal by surprise, however. He had no idea what came next; he didn’t even know what was going on now. Shrugging, Mihkkal answered “I don’t really know what I am going to do. I have no idea who the other guy is, but I am sure he is still seeing him. He was gone from the commonroom for several days after the whole thing happened. I don’t know where but I only have seen him a few times, briefly, in passing. Talking though, I don’t know, it doesn’t seem right when I am still trying to find myself after all of this. I mean, I barely want to talk to me, let alone talk to someone else. It’s hard, I guess. This was my first boyfriend, I thought it meant something to us both, but obviously I had no idea.” Mihkkal shook his head slowly, he really had had no idea how little he must have meant. Mihkkal always knew water charted its own course, he just thought that he wouldn’t be left high and dry quite like this.

“Hey, man.” Dzmitry offered, when Mihkkal tried to offer his own condolences. “I get it. You don’t have to worry about me, I’m just trying to explain that I know what it’s like to get dumped and feel sour about it.” He offered. He put his hand on the other’s shoulder comfortingly.

“You should talk to him, you know. Eventually, when you feel ready. He needs to tell you what happened, who with, and why. He owes that to you, because he betrayed you.” He sighed. “I’m sorry that you had such a bad relationship after this crap. I bet if we dated, we’d be doing fine.” He teased, thinking back to it and if it would have been a decent replacement for his time with Stepan. He really cared for Stepan, but the pain and rejection was really bothering him. That, and even if he was with Mihkkal, there was still Leo–and who knew what would happen with that.

“Let’s cash out here, and go for a walk or something. Get some air?” He offered. “I’ll be your date.” He teased. “So you don’t have to feel like you’re out here all alone, miserable. I’ll entertain you. I juggle?” He joked, trying to lighten the mood a little.

There it was again…someone telling him to talk about it. Didn’t anyone get it. Mihkkal wasn’t ready to talk. He had thought he was in love. He had thought that Kanat—a guy he had known literally the entire time he had been in school—was just right for him. The two had connected even before Mihkkal had told him that he was a water elemental and then finding that out just made them that much closer, or so he had thought. Maybe Mihkkal was that bad at reading signs. Maybe all the hours they spent together meditating, sharing experiences, learning language and carving, maybe all of that really didn’t mean anything to him…so needless to say, no, he didn’t really feel like talking. At least not right now.

“Yea, yea, yea, talk, talk, talk…that’s all anyone seems to think I need to do. Has anyone considered that maybe I don’t want to talk? Maybe I am not ready to talk? I mean, it’s only been two weeks since he broke my heart, cheated on me, and I don’t know maybe I am just not ready.” His voice broke a little as both his emotion and volume grew to a fever pitch. Recognizing that he was speaking a little louder than intended, he calmed himself as best he could and said, “I just don’t think I can yet. I need time.”

Dzima’s jokes and teasing would normally have been well received, but today was not normal. Today Mihkkal had been confronted again with the reality of his breakup. He had been brought face to face with Kanat again and he didn’t really feel all that much like joking at the moment. That said, a walk did sound nice. It would do him good to get out from the bar for at least a little while. And whose to say he couldn’t come back after the walk to have a quick bite and another few drinks before heading back up to the institute. “Sure, I guess a walks good enough,” he grunted, pushing his stool back, standing, and making for the door.

Dzmitry frowned a little. “I said when you’re ready, of course, but you can’t avoid it forever–especially if you worry that you’re still dating, you know? What if, and I doubt it, but what if he thinks the same thing?” He wondered. “I’m just saying, communicate.” He sighed. “When you’re ready, of course, but nothing will improve until then.” He paid the tab and let the other get himself up and situated. 

He offered an arm to Mihkkal on the way out of the pub and down the street, though he didn’t really expect the other to take it. “Anything else going on in your life?” He wondered. “Special? Nice? Better than this crap?” He asked, hoping something would be going well for them. He, himself, had been hiding in a friend’s dorm to avoid Stepan for a few days already.

He wanted to talk more about his crap, but he knew Mihkkal needed to talk about his own stuff right now, so he was all ears. He glanced at him, feeling a little sad for Mihkkal, and himself.