[NYC] we fall in love ‘til it hurts or bleeds or fades in time // tag;ollie

Val had been preparing for Ollie’s birthday party for weeks. A big party, with a lot of music, alcohol, and enough excitement to keep her guests over until the wee hours of the morning. Val had managed to cap the guest list at twenty people, and just downsizing her original list of seventy-five had taken her several months. But it was a party for Ollie and it only made sense to invite people he was at least comfortable around. It had always been like this. When Ollie had not been otherwise occupied, whether it be with work, friends, or even a girlfriend, the two had spent most birthdays together to some capacity, even if at opposite sides of the same space. Even before things became romantic, and complicated, Ollie had been a major part of her life.

However, then it had happened: his mother had abandoned the family and most importantly, he had told her that he loved her. And just like that, all of her plans changed.

Things had become unpredictably awkward for her. Not because Val did not feel the same way--his words had only managed to validate the feelings that she had had for him for such a long time. But it made her want things she knew were not possible--what exactly did they mean to each other? She started wanting labels and dates, wanted to know where they were on the scale of commitment. Val wanted to go back to where they should have started: at a first date, a space fit just for the two of them to get to know each other. Do the types of things that couples that were just starting out did. She wanted to have an actual date with him--not the sneaking around that they had been doing so far. She had practiced in front of the mirror so many times this week so that the words would slip out naturally--I love you, too. He had been brave enough to say it, she owed it to him to show him how much she valued him, how much she depended on him. And most importantly, she owed it to herself.

After that night, she had not seen much of him. Not that she did not have a chance to, Val was afraid. Felt too much too quickly and needed a little time to calm things down, to make a decision on how to proceed forward. And his birthday, this time just between the two of them seemed like the perfect time to discuss what had happened. In her mind it made sense: they would have a date, she would tell him that she loved him, they would decide to start dating seriously, and well, things with her family, she would simply have to figure out on her own. Val knew that she cared about Ollie, no, she loved him--she was willing to tolerate her family’s disapproval if the two of them were on the same page. Ollie had made many sacrifices for her, it was about time she did the same for him.

Val did not want to reveal her plan for fear that he might refuse her. Of course, if he simply walked away, there would be nothing she could do--but part of her hoped that once he arrived he would be keen on the idea of spending time together. They had never really had a chance to sit down and talk, not in the way couples talked about their life or their feelings. Val was determined to change that today. She had asked him to meet her in Central Park by three o’clock, figured it would be enough time to have one decent conversation before dinner and dessert. They would take this slowly, she was not going to let it get past a goodnight kiss. If she wanted him to take this seriously, Val knew that she had to sent boundaries.

She spotted him almost immediately and walked at a quick pace to meet him halfway, she leaned in slightly to kiss him but suddenly felt too aware of her surroundings and pecked him briefly on the cheek, then she put her hands in her pockets. Leather jacket, tight jeans, and a thin, white t-shirt had been the look she had imagined when she had first planned her date. Val had added a thick, wool scarf on her way out of the door at her mother’s insistence. But, it had been significantly colder than she thought. Maybe starting outside had not been the best idea after all.

“I know this isn’t our usual scene but,” she said slowly and a little nervously, “but I figured it would be a good start, and we can you know...hang out...together, just the two of us,” she said, feeling her cheeks redden all of a sudden, her heart pounding in her chest, “like a date-date,” she said. Why was she acting like a little girl? They knew each other, they were close. Val immediately felt frustrated at her own insecurity, “Or like whatever, not a date, just like hang out. Since it’s your birthday...happy birthday by the way,” she said, and cringed a little at her tone. Val was trying to sound detached, not comfortable with how exposed she felt in the middle of the park, in the middle of the day, sober, and spending time with him. “Did you eat lunch? We can go grab a bite nearby, I know a few places, or there’s a pretty cool arcade that way,” she pointed in the opposite direction, “or we can just chill at a cafe--” she added. Her options had not sounded as appealing as she initially thought, “I’m complete shit at planning things like this, so I’m just going to shut up now and let you choose. It’s your birthday so we can do whatever you want, as long as we’re together then...anyway, yes I’ll shut up now” she added with a nervous laugh. What am I doing? she was so obviously out of character that even Val was internally cringing. This was not going to go well.

Things had been strange, distant in a way that worried the boy. Ollie stared out the window as traffic stood still, his mind drifting back to that drunken hurtful night his mother had chosen to abandon his family. He could remember stumbling along the cold Manhattan streets as he drank his sorrows down. He could remember the chill to his bones as hate filled his heart. Things blurred and faded into each other as they tended to when memories were built upon drunkeness. He couldn’t face her the first days after, too ashamed of his own weakness. Ollie had to recover before he could stand face to face with the woman he loved. Flashes of that night came at the random moments where he was left with his thoughts, reminding he had reason to avoid her. “Get out of the fu-" the sound of his horn drowned out the string of profanity that left his lips as the all black Camry pulled off to the side to park. He would walk the rest of the way to the park, but the drive thus far had been good for his mental. Had prepared him in case she was as nervous as he was.

Black gym shoes touched the concrete as he pulled himself from the birthday gift his father had gotten him. The door was pushed closed and the locks sounded as they fell into place. Ollie walked, head dipped low and his hands in the pockets of his leather jacket as he moved along. He wondered if he should apologize again for showing up in such a manner on her doorstep that night. He paused patting his jacket to pull his pack of cigarettes free, lighting one before he moved to walk again. He’d always hated his birthday, it was far too close to Christmas. He liked to get gifts but celebrations had never been his thing. He didn’t want to pretend to have fun, not with Val. He would rather they spend the day together doing the reckless things they tended to do, but, if she had thrown him a party then he would party. He would get drunk and laugh and enjoy himself because his girl had been thoughtful enough to plan something. She would be the only reason he would be in a festive mood.

His cigarette glowed as he took a deep breath, looking up as he entered the park to see if he could spot her. His jaw flexed momentarily before he reached up to ash the burning stick between his lips. Ollie gave a smile that brightened his eyes as he saw her, his heart, walking towards him. He shifted to pull his black pants up and seconds later they dropped back low along his hips. His white shirt was crisp and held some abstract type art on it. He leaned to kiss her and his frown settled as her lips met his cheek. Damn, things were different. This small change in their greeting let him know that night had changed everything. What just happened? “Hey, sorry traffic was…I drove.” He explained, looking around as his cigarette free hand lifted to rub the back of his neck. He took a drag once more before he held it out to her, filter end to avoid a mistake. “Nah, this is good baby. Honestly, I’m not in the mood for a big party so it just being us is good.” He noted her blush, it was rare to see, and it worried him. We’re they going to be in some weird state now that he had shown her his weakest? Would she be leaving him soon as well?

His brows lifted as her nervous banter caused his lips to twitch. A date. They had never been on a date before, would they able to do such a thing so late in their relationship? “A date…” he repeated as he nodded his expression thoughtful, “Aight.” He would give her the date she wanted or at the very least he would try. His arm moved to slide around her shoulder, pulling her into his frame as he moved to walk. “How about we grab some lunch…you seem like you need a minute to chill anyway. We don’t have to stay in the city either, so, think about that. Which way is this place?” his long finger extended to point in two directions before he leaned to kiss her cheek, “I’m glad I get to see you today.” They had seemingly been there for each other’s birthday without fail not seeing her would have scared him far more than the time they went without speaking. “I wasn’t sure you’d be down to see me .” He admitted, clearing his throat. “I’ve been thinking about you like crazy…about everything.” He didn’t know how much meaning those words held but they were still true. “I wanted to swing through but I been busy and…you know stuff back at home is weird. I been apartment hunting though, got the cash saved up and figured why not.” He stared out ahead of them as he spoke, his gaze drifting from face to face. “Found a nice condo in Soho…but you know my money ain’t that long.” He was sure he would take the roommate needed offer, the rent wasn’t to bad and he location was prime.

“I missed you…” not talking had woken him to a lot of things but mostly the moments not shared with her seemed far too dull to enjoy.

“You braved Manhattan traffic for me? I feel pretty damn special now,” she gloated with a grin, she took the cigarette from out of his hand, taking a deep drag and willing herself to calm down. It was not a big deal, Val had gone on plenty of dates in the past. But she was rarely the one planning them and she had never been emotionally invested in any of them--at least not in the same way that she was into Ollie. She felt jealous of how calm and collected he seemed.

“Calling it a date feels weird, right?” she said quietly, he had not sounded as enthusiastic as she had expected. But in reality, Val had not expected him to sound like anything; she simply felt too aware of the implication of the words coming out of her mouth. And, she felt particularly sensitive about how cool Ollie seemed despite everything. Had Val been the only one reeling after his confession? Had he changed his mind? The thought that she might have worked up the courage to tell him the very words that had cause a major shift in their relationships for nothing made her feel afraid. Val and Ollie worked as it was, well, worked well enough--and even then, Val had to ruin it by insisting on making her feelings for him clearer. But then she figured that the ball would be in his court and then it would become his responsibility to do something about it. The options were simple: one. they became an exclusive and very public couple, or two. they continued on as they were. Val was unwilling to give up either option, especially since both of them meant that she could continue to be close to Ollie, but if he were to chose to keep things as they were, Val was unsure if she could do as he asked. The thought of leaving this date in a situation other than an actual relationship made her feel anxious.

But as always, as soon as his arm slipped around her shoulder, she almost immediately melted into his touch. Her nervousness did not exactly disappear but he made her feel safe, her hand reached up to interlock their fingers together. It was not the most comfortable position for Val but it was the certainly the best. “Lunch sounds great, there is great place in the building right across the street over this way. It’s a burger joint but it’s been around for a while, it was my favorite place growing up,” she started walking in the direction of the crosswalk. Her face lit up when he mention the possibility of leaving the city. It had been an idea in her head, the two of them leaving for a weekend at the beach or upstate near the mountains. But, she had deemed it too romantic and possibly a great failure should they chose to not continue with their relationship. “Let’s eat and get out of here, but only if you let me drive--we both know that I am a much better driver than you...plus daddy said that he’ll get me a convertible for my birthday if I keep practicing. It’s a stick shift but I mean it shouldn’t be that hard, right?” she asked nonchalantly. Waiting impatiently for the light to change before they moved to cross the street and into the building.

“We spend every birthday together--well the ones when you weren’t being dragged away by your jealous girlfriends,” she giggled to take away from the fact that she had focused on the word girlfriends. Why did she even bring that up? Val was miserable, and the fact that her brain and her mouth were not agreeing made it that much more difficult to relax, “No, but for real, I’ve been thinking about you too,” she started, “after our...conversation. It’s made me think a lot,” about us. Val wanted to get it over with, say what was on her mind. But the timing felt wrong, and she did not want to ruin it with her impulsive nature. This was a delicate situation, the timing had to be right, so she would have to wait it out, “Soho, huh? All the great shopping spots are there--it’s crazy expensive though,” she added, “I’ll have to come move in with you,” the words slipped out of her mouth before she could stop herself, almost too naturally. “Because all of my favorite cafes are there, of course, living with you would be a total nightmare--you’d probably piss me off all the time,” she quickly continued with a nervous laugh.

Oh no--her mouth was doing it again, just talking for the sake of hearing her own voice. The implications of her words weighing heavily on her. Of course she wanted to live with him and had considered it plenty of times, in the privacy of her own mind, as she imagined her future in the comfort of her own bed. But they were all half-baked ideas, things that she had planned to discuss way into the future of their relationship. He had always had a part in her future, at least in her head. But at the rate she was going, he was going to be out of her life by the end of the date. Val was going to mess this up.

“Anyway this is it,” she announced, holding on to his hand tightly as they walked in between tables to a spot in a booth in the far corner of the room. She thought to sit across from him but opted to sit next to him. It would be easier this way, she could hold him and she did not have to sit face-to-face. If she did that, she would certainly lose her nerve. It was a vintage-styled burger joint decorated with sixties decor and a jukebox. She opened the menu, leaning close to Ollie, “I always get the same thing, this here--the classic cheeseburger with a strawberry milkshake, but order whatever you want, it’s my treat,” she smiled, her feet nervously shifting under the booth. “But don’t eat too much, we still have to get dessert later.”

He chuckled softly, “You know you special.” She was, Val was everything. He could play the game and pretend that he didn’t care but Ollie knew the truth. He knew that he had given her his heart by falling in love with her, but, love was reckless. Love was a false promise that often led to disappointment, still he felt it. He may have never seen the beauty that came from love if he had never met her, if they had never kissed. “Naw. It ain’t  weird, s**t’s just new.” They had never been on a date before. Their relationship had always been far too intense. “Bet, burgers sound good.”

She wasn’t asking for a lot, just a date, he could give her that. Having her so close now after not having her near at all reminded him that he was only ever calm around her, only ever truly himself. He wished that he could give her more because she deserved it. He wished that he was the guy that wanted to go on dates because he knew she wanted to. Ollie knew she wanted to be public, he could see it in the way she looked at other couples. He wanted to give her all the things in the world she wanted that he had the ability to give, but, this one thing would risk so much. She knew that, they had talked about it before, he was sure. “You gotta go easy on my ride though..” he warned. Still, he shifted to reach into his pocket, handing her the keys.

He wanted to make her happy but he worried mostly that he couldn’t give her the things needed to make it happen. Ollie had never committed to something the way he found himself committing to her. “I can teach you stick; it ain’t really that hard.” His gaze rose to the light before dropping to look at the building as they approached it. A date. “You know them chicks aint mean s**t.” he retorted, “I don’t enjoy the day unless you in it.” He admitted before his hand rose to run over his hair. Their conversation, the one he couldn’t really remember. From the hesitation to her words there was more she wanted to say, he wouldn’t push Ollie needed the time to remember.  “Yeah, Soho.” He moved on quickly, leaving the conversation for another time. “They want way more than my pockets carry.”

He looked at her as the next few words came passed her lips. Of course he had thought about it, them living together. He wondered what it would be like to not only fall asleep next to her but to be there with her when the sun finally rose, something he never had gotten to do before. He thought about what their fridge would look like, the furniture they would have and if any pictures would be on the wall. Of course he had thought about it that didn’t mean she had wanted to, not until he heard those words. “Oh, so just for the cafes?” He asked as he chuckled, “You can be annoying too, you know, I just deal wit’ it ‘cause you always be ready with them words.” Val had a way with words when she was angry, a way of pulling the monster straight to the surface. Ollie knew they would argue they always did, the question was when and about what.  “But if you wanna I’m down wit’ you moving in..”

He would leave the rest up to her, he had to. He couldn’t look thirsty, it wasn’t his style.  It was strange to say what was too much and what was too little since they had never really put definition to their relationship. It was more of a mutual thing rather than a commitment. Ollie tossed his coat on the other side of the booth before he sat next to her, reaching to lift the menu. “I’m only letting’ you pay ‘cause it’s my birthday.” He said as he glanced at her, pulling the menu back as the water was brought for them. “Can we get a few.” He watched as the man turned to leave before he put the menu down. “I f**ked up.” Here was part of the apology he felt he needed to make.

“Blacking out on you like that…” He should have called; he should have visited more than just the one time. “I just…wit’ her just leaving…” He stopped because any excuse was a good one. He had to be real with her even if he was never real with anyone else. “I had all this s**t to get through and I didn't want my problems to weigh you down. I know I shouldda called or swung by no matter what was happening wit’ me ‘cause you my girl. So, sorry …” It was the one thing he could apologize for because he knew why he was apologizing. “I’m thinking I want what you get but no shake…if you still down to stay.”

She put the car keys in her pocket, a smile on her face—he trusted her, even with his car. In the grand scheme of things, it was just a car but in her mind, it was a symbol of his faith in her: no questions, no hesitation, just compliance. She liked that. In a strange way, it made her feel even more special than she already felt, with him coming all this way to have a date with her. The concept was so foreign to both of them but she was determined to make it work.

“Why you tryin’ to fit in with the Soho crowd, Jersey boy? You’d probably feel more at home in the Bronx…but then again—I don't’ think you’d be able to keep up,” she said with a smirk. Even in Soho he would not be that far from her, she would have gone to him even if he was on the other side of the galaxy, would apparate as far as she could and do whatever she needed to get to him. Val had not to even began to think about moving out of her parent’s home, she was sixteen and pretty dependent on them. She had vaguely thought about getting a job once but did not like the idea of building up from the bottom. Her family had money, had obtained it through less than commendable means but she never needed for anything. If Ollie and her confessed their relationship to her parents though, she was sure that it would not be long before they started to intervene with her personal life, making it increasingly difficult until she had to choose him or her family. They did not mind employing him but he would never live up to her family’s expectations. The hypocrisy of it all made her upset just thinking about it.

“I already told you, half of these fights have a simple solution: just do what I say, how hard is that? You could be livin’ like a King if you stopped having petty arguments with me about everything,” she said with a laugh. But it was one of the many things she loved about him. He stood up to her, he didn’t give in—it was something that she could appreciate in anyone but found particularly captivating about him. But even at the end of their playful banter she again heard the words that she had been wanting to hear: acceptance. Of course she wanted to live with him, of course she wanted to have him near her all the time. Her mind studied the words that came out of his mouth, almost in an effort to find clues that he felt something other than physical attraction to her. And what he had been saying so far was giving her all the votes of confidence she needed. She had to tell him, she would tell him that she loved him and everything would just be fine.

But Val should have known that things would change, the universe had never made anything simple for her. 

She had heard what he said but even before her mind could register his words, her mouth was miles ahead of her. “It’s cool, I mean you were in a tough spot, of course you should’ve come through, I wouldn’t have turned you away, but I get it…just you know after what you said that night, you had me feeling some kinda way and I…” she paused as her mind began to process what he had said, “wait, hold up,” she turned to him, an incredulous look written on her face, “you blacked out as in you don’t remember anything you said? Like, none of it?” she sounded a little angrier than she had initially intended and part of her was. She had finally worked up the courage to say something that would fundamentally change the fate of their relationship and he had simply forgotten? It was not something that he could have helped but it certainly made her upset—and very hurt. She covered her face with her hands, letting out a sound of frustration in order to encourage herself to calm down, before looking back at him with a serious expression. “It’s cool, Ollie—don’t worry about it, that’s the beauty of alcohol right? You don't even have to take responsibility for s**t you say because you’re gonna forget anyway,” she continued with a bitter smile. “What are friends for, ey?” It would be best if she forgot it, forgot all of it and just continued as it were. He would never admit to it if she confronted him, he had too much pride to feel vulnerable on purpose, even in front of her. And if he was willing to be vulnerable on purpose, did he really love her at all?

The waiter eventually returned and she ordered quietly. She was free to leave, even she knew that but forced herself to stay. The best thing to do was to pretend like it never happened. If she could force the feelings down for a few more hours, she could cry it all out at home, drink a bit, hang out friends, go out—really go out, find something to distract her from the tightening in her chest, and then she would be better. She didn’t need him, she lied to herself, in an effort to keep her composure. She leaned a little away from him, her body language was obvious but she hoped that he did not notice. “So, are you ready to go back to school? I’m thinking about what I’m going to do,” she moved on to the simplest topic of conversation she could think of. “Like in the future in stuff, my parents keep buggin’ me about it.”   

“I ain’t gotta try to fit in nowhere.” He said in the confident way he was known for. Ollie felt that he was a King and the streets of Jersey and New York were his kingdom. His reputation on the street preceded him and he used it to his advantage. He walked with his head held high and never backed down from a confrontation. “Catch up? Y’all laggin’ behind while I’m out here takin’ care of business.” He chuckled a bit, “But I found a place in the Bronx just in case, you know.”  He knew if they were to live together, if they were to take that next step they would have to come clean about their relationship. Ollie had broken many rules but being with Val was one that could cost him everything.

But, he loved her without hesitation and he would die for her if he had to. She was his Queen, his right hand and the yin to his yang. He laughed as his head shook, “You out here wit’ the jokes. Okay, I got you.” He liked the way she laughed, since break he hadn’t heard it, not the real laugh that touched her eyes.  “You know ain’t s**t petty about me.” He grinned as he moved to take a sip of his water. Their ups were always the best and he craved them as much as he craved sex, but, their lows were harsh and they tore each other down. It was the cycle they had, good moment, the lull in between and then an argument about the smallest thing. Ollie didn’t care, they could fuss and fight all day everyday as long as she was the girl he was fussing and fighting with.

Well, until he saw that look on her face. Her words drifted as his own seemed to sink in. “Wait..” He started needing just a moment to gather his thoughts. They had just been having such a good moment. His hand rose to run down his hair, why had he said anything? “Naw, I don’t.” He answered honestly but he knew he should have lied, just this once he should have lied. “I don’t remember nothin’ after I got in yo room.” He should have stopped talking but he couldn’t. He had already tossed the grenade the least he could do was deal with the aftermath. He was calm, at first, and then she uttered those next words and Ollie saw red.

“Man, what the f**k you talkin’ ‘bout? You think I wanted to forget?” His voiced rose as he shifted to look at her.  “Friends? F**k you mean?” He snapped the next words out and he didn’t care that people were starting to glance in their direction. He pushed the menu aside as his hand rested on the cool surface of the table, his brows were drawn tight. “So, we don’t mean nothing?” He asked knowing that he truly didn’t want to know the answer. “Just like that you gone play me…” His gaze shifted as the waiter came back to the table; the seventeen year old cleared his throat before he ordered. He was no longer hungry but just going through the motions.

His tattooed fingers ran over the table and his gaze watched the flow of his hand, brows knitted tight and his jaw clenched. He wanted to snap, he wanted to lose his mind but they were in public. He didn’t even care, but, it was his birthday. “I can’t believe you, man.” He didn’t look at her as he spoke, “Friends? Yeah, okay, whatever. What you here for then?”

It should have been obvious that this was not going to work. Even in the back of her mind, she knew that it was simply impossible for two people, so passionate in nature, to ever really have a meaningful relationship. In the beginning it had been fun, something to distract her; something that made sense between then. He wasn’t a stranger, she had known him long enough to trust him, and she had even been stupid enough to think that she could love him. Val should have had better control of her emotions but between how he reacted and how she felt, it was almost impossible for her to keep the angry expression off of her face, the one that she hoped would tell him that she was utterly heartbroken. She waited until the waiter left, watching him as he walked away, hoping that her stare would move him along even faster before she became even more angry. 

“Look, I’m not looking for you to take responsibility, because it’s obvious,” she looked at him pointedly, “that you’re just gonna pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about even if I tell you what you said. So just stop, just forget it,” she added. She was not about to argue with him in front of everyone in the diner just to satisfy his need for attention. Val knew she had an explosive temper but had never been fond of involving other people, spectators, into her personal drama. She tapped her fingernails against the aluminum edge table. Staying calm wasn’t working, and when he asked her what the two meant to her, she simply lost it. “I’m not going to sit here and let you talk to me like I don’t care about us because I’m the only person that’s even bothered to think about what we are going to be past tomorrow. You think this is all fun and games, Ollie—live your life on the edge because you want to rebel against society or whatever, think you’re cool for keeping your feelings to yourself, okay sure you do you. ‘Cause at the end of the day, men like you always walk away when things get hard,” she shouted, turning to him and narrowing her eyes, scoffing, “you want to talk s**t about Rosalie, look at you. Walking out on a relationship with a person you pretend to care about, but I’m not soft like you, my feelings aren’t hurt. No one’s playin’ you Ollie, you playin’ yourself.”

She rested her elbows on the table, running her hands through her her long brown hair, she could already feel a headache coming on. Why was she even bothering with this? Why did she even have to open her mouth and confront him? Maybe she should have just cut him off, refused to meet him, simply ignore him, she had promised herself that she would pretend to not be bothered but could not help the sinking feeling in her stomach. “Yeah, you’re right, I don’t know what I’m here for,” she said quietly, taking his keys out of her pocket and tossing them onto the table, before standing up, “I’m done, Ollie,” she announced to no one in particularly before moving to the cashier counter and dropping a fifty-dollar bill on the counter and pushing the door, the ringing of the bell upon her departure felt somehow symbolic, it was as if she were taking an exit on her own future, or at least the one she had dreamed up with him. 

Don't cry, Val, it’s not a big deal, you were prepared for this, she reminded herself as she walked out into the street, the cold winter air hitting her face, she couldn’t help but smile bitterly. It was as if even the universe was telling her to get it together. She put her hands in her pockets, waiting as the light for the crosswalk changed. She would have to figure it all out, how to avoid him, how to live her life without him. She had done it before, even if it meant the end of their friendship, one that she had cherished so much, then so be it.

He wished he could remember, even if it was a small bit, to ease the tension that was now resting between them. He should have lied. There was no way that this was going to end well, he knew that. He knew she would explode just as he had, but he feared what Val might say to him. He feared the same thing he had when they hadn’t spoke, her leaving him. So many people had walked out on him, so many had given up on him without actually trying to make an effort. Even when everyone had left him she had always been there, always.

“You don’t know what imma do,” He retorted his brows knitting as he frowned deeply. She was quick to judge him as reckless, so quick to think he would dismiss something that clearly meant something important to her, to them. He knew she was upset, he knew his words would fuel the fire that was slowly building within her but what came next took him up short. He had thought about the future, how dare she think he hadn’t. Val was the girl he wanted to spend his life with, as much of it as he could and even then some. He had fallen in love with her and couldn’t remember that he had told her.  He shifted in his seat preparing to speak but what came out of her mouth next both boiled his blood and broke his heart – no – his heart had shattered as he sat there.

Val had been mean before but she had never been cruel, not enough to jab at him so recklessly. He was rooted there with a pained expression painted across his face before he looked away from her. The anger had slipped from his body as her words assaulted him, making him feel low. His hands rose to cover his face as he heaved a sigh before he spoke, “You don’t…” There were no words; there was nothing he could say because she had cut him down at the knees. Her words had been precise and he knew that deep down she meant them, the truth was always fueled by anger. “Real talk?” He asked, “That’s how you see me?”

His gaze shifted to land on her and he wanted so much to fix what he had broken. He knew there was a chance for him to make this right, there had to be. But, she stood and the words echoed around him, I’m done, Ollie. “Wha…” She was gone the soft chime of the bell letting him know his question had fallen on death ears.  Ollie turned to look at the table, to trace the outline of his spread fingers against the cool surface. The weight of her words crushed him, he swallowed, he suddenly felt empty. His body grew numb and his knee bounced, this wasn’t happening was it? I’m done, Ollie. She had walked out on him and unlike Roaslie she had been real enough to let him watch her do it.  In the scenarios he played out in his head never had he thought Val would leave, but he had been wrong. He had been wrong about so much.

His hands moved to rest on the back on his neck as he looked towards the door, hoping that when it opened she would be walking back through it. No luck. He stood, yanking his jacket from the seat as he pulled his pants up. It had seemed an eternity as he sat there lost to the building gloom; he could feel his sorrow waiting to be drowned in reckless behavior. The cold air slapped him in the face as he left the warmth of the building; the harsh way it  wrapped around him hadn’t been as bad as the words she had spoken.  He chased her down, jacket in hand. He didn’t care about the cold or the fact that his car keys still rested on the table where she had left them. He only cared about the fact that he was losing her and his world was slowly crumbling because of it.

“So that’s it? You just cut into me then leave?” He stepped in front of her, his expression held far too many emotions to say once stood out the most. Anger, love, betrayal, suffering; they were all there written just behind the intensity of his gaze. “So, you breakin’ up wit’ me, for real?” His weight shifted as his hand rose, jacket falling just a bit obscuring him from view, “You can’t do this to me.” He mumbled into the leather before his hand dropped to his side. He could feel himself breaking in half, it was devastating feeling to know in mere moments he could lose her. That he may have lost her for good.

“You can’t be mad at me for not remembering.” He argued, “You want me to lie to you instead and say I do? Then you gone say what you got to say and what Imma do? Sit there looking dumb ‘cause I can’t even remember?” Black gym shoes carried him s he began to pace, “I’m not running.” He stopped to look at her, “You are. You’re no better than anyone else. You pretend to care but I see now, I know what you think of me now.” This was supposed to be a good day. It was supposed to be filled with laughter and jokes and a long drive to nowhere. It wasn’t, it was the harsh reality of life shaking Ollie awake.  He was losing something he cared about, something he loved.  “You can’t even talk to me…?”

Val hated feeling like this. Anger she could handle, much of her life had been spent in an argument—the hurtful words exchanged between her and her brothers were like playful banter. The swearing, the insults, none of it really hurt her anymore, or at least she liked to pretend none of it did. But feeling like this, being in love and feeling romantic affection for someone really felt out of character for her and it made her want to push him away. If she managed to hurt him first, managed to really tear their relationship apart then he would stop. He would stop pursuing her and she could deal with the aftermath on her own. She simply could not give him a chance to get further in—had already felt so many things in the last few days that it had taken for her to work up the courage to tell him the very words that she had feared for so long. Would not give him the power over her any longer.   

She walked out on his because she was afraid. And while part of her had wished for it, she had not expected him to run after her, had said words with the sole purpose of deterring him from coming to her because she knew that it would only be a matter of time before she broke down. She had always been a passionate person but did not pride herself in being emotional. She did not want to break up with him, she never intended to hurt him but it was the only way she knew how to deal with the pain she was experiencing. It was simply too much for her young sixteen-year-old heart to handle, the idea that the way she had imagined things to play out, the way that it played out in novels, was not the way that it would ever happen in real life. She looked up at him, she had to, even if her eyes were filled with tears of anger and disappointment that threatened to spill forth at any moment. Val could not back down, she laughed in an effort to mock him, “Breaking up with you? Ollie, when have we even started having a relationship? We’re not together—unless you didn’t get the memo. Can’t you see that I don’t even care anymore? Whatever, just leave me alone.”

And she should have walked away, the light had already changed and people had started crossing, some of them looking back in mild interest at their exchange. It would have been easier to just turn around and leave him there but her body would not cooperate. It was as if she were hoping for him to say something, anything to clear her head and make her remember how she did not come on this date with the intention of leaving everything they had worked up to so far, behind. She simply could not walk away from him, it would not be that simple, her heart had set her mind on Ollie and it would probably take her years to really recover from it. But she stayed negative, thought about all of their previous arguments, how he could make her explode in anger with a simple gesture, a small laugh. How jealous he made her feel, how she could never feel good enough for him. Val thought about him a lot but did he even care about her? He didn’t mean any of it, he was only saying it because she expected him to. Val would not let him fool her like the boys before him, because she knew that if she let herself fall—really fall, she would simply end up in more heartache than she bargained for.

“Yes, Ollie let me really tell you what I think about you: I think you’re pathetic, you think you know what you want but when it’s here, you get scared and hide behind the person you think you are. But I don’t really care. I’m tired of waitin’ for you to get a clue about my feelings. So lemme make this clear to you ‘I love you, too’ there; well I came here thinkin’ that anyway—was gonna say it like the d**n idiot that you take me for. I shoulda know your words wouldn’t mean anything, your kind never do,” she paused, her voice was getting shaky.

“Sure, whatever, I’m runnin’—there’s no way to fix this so there’s nothing else to say…I wish it could be different but no, it’s just better this way. Just forget about me, I already forgot about you,” she didn’t mean any of it, felt terribly hollow after the words came of her mouth but she could not just take them back. She would not cry in front of him, would not give him the pleasure of knowing that he had managed to hurt her. She had been hurt enough in the past to know that it wasn’t worth it, no matter how good the person. She would be better off forgetting it, getting hurt now was much better than waiting for him to hurt her even more in the future.

The light finally changed again and she walked around him, and across the street back into to the park. Her heart was racing in her chest, she glanced at her watch—if she was quick enough she would be able to make it back home before her parents and would be able to hopefully avoid any questions. She needed to talk to someone but she probably would resort to dealing with the things the way she always had, doing whatever she needed to do to dull the pain.



He wouldn’t recover. Losing Val would destroy more than his relationship, and, he just wouldn’t recover. There would be no quick fix or an ability to bounce back. She was ending them, whatever they may have been, over a night of forgotten words. Ollie was dying, it felt as such down to his core, as her words beat him down. Those words were spit like venom and he was dying because in his heart she meant them. She wanted to crush him, to step on him in the worse ways. What was he supposed to do after? Who was he supposed to be now that he was alone? He could feel the loneliness there, waiting to take him. Ollie thought he had the fight in him, thought that he would win this one, but again he had been wrong. “So, we was nothing?” He would treat her as such, he had too. So much of who he was had been because she had loved him or so he thought she had. There was no love shared between them, at least not mutually. He should have lied. He should have stayed at the table while it all sunk in, it would have been better that being torn down farther.

He knew there would be little room to explain himself, there never was, but he hadn’t expected her to chop him down so harshly. “Why you gotta do this to us…” she was leaving him and he knew stopping her was now out of the question. He was pathetic for having ever loved her. He was stupid for ever thinking they could work. He had been foolish for believing that they were the exception to the rule, he had been wrong, like in all things. “You don’t know how I feel.” His word broke through her rant and he wanted to utter the next but knew if he said it now it would be to keep her, not, because he truly meant them. He wanted to mean those words when he said them and didn’t want them to be washed out by the logomachy of a night he couldn’t even remember. His entire relationship had shattered over his own drunkenness. His head shook as he looked around them as people moved about their day like his life wasn't being ruined. He hated the smiles on their faces and the way some held hands. He watched as a woman crossed the street with her dog leash held tight and he thought of Joker. The pitbull had always loved him and Ollie knew that even if the world was empty and he only had Joker all he would ever want was her. His gaze drifted up from the Yorkie as she said the last bits of hurtful words

He felt small, smaller than he ever had as he turned to watch her leave. Suddenly, he was a seven year old left alone at the mall, surrounded by strangers. “But, I love you though…” he said into the chatter of the sidewalk traffic, no one was there to hear his confession. No one cared. He wanted to chase her down and plead his case, hell wanted to beg. What for? She had told him there was nothing there, not one thing to fight for even if he felt his love for her was worth it. “I..” His weight shifted as he was bumped and he turned to see the waiter behind him with his keys held out, his blue gaze dropped glad he took them. “Thanks…” he said softly but he didn’t move, he stayed rooted at that corner while the light went green, yellow, red several times. He stood there until someone approached him to be sure he was okay and still he couldn't move for the hope that she might come back. It was his birthday, she wouldn’t leave him this way on his birthday, would she?

He was hollow, the beating of his heart was faint enough for him to think she'd ripped it from his chest. Slowly, the traffic died down around him and Ollie finally moved, his legs felt heavy. The walk to his car was longer than he remembered. He stumbled and nearly fell but he couldn’t feel, he was numb. His jacket was drug along the ground as slow steps carried him towards the black car waiting for him. He slipped into the cool leather seat and the door gave a click of completion as the locks caught. Long fingers gripped the steering wheel and his scream drowned out everything else as his emotions had finally caught up to him. The boy thrashed violently, shaking the wheel as his knuckles turned white and then he cried. A strangled sound escaping his throat as the tears spilled over, it was there that he broke. That the edges of his heart frayed  before it broke apart. It was within his car that Ollie hardened his heart to love, he was done. He was just done.


[Ollie out]