moon { k i l l i a n }

JULY

The lights came up.

Billie dabbed under one eye with the knuckle of her right hand. Her heart was beating a little fast; the whole thing had been a lot more immersive than she’d imagined it to be when she’d read about what it’d be like. She didn’t look at her friend for a moment, even though she felt his eyes on her, instead watching the list of names scroll up the screen so she could take a second and process, catch her breath. She smoothed the skirt of her dress, little popcorn crumbs she’d missed falling to the floor.

After a second, she glanced his way, feeling a little self conscious that she’d watched large chunks of the movie with tears running down her cheeks. She always felt things deeply, but was also quite restrained around people she wasn’t very close to. He hadn’t seen her cry before. “Wow,” she breathed, genuinely, looking at him with a small smile on her lips. The music was still playing quietly in the background and immediately, she wanted to watch it again.

“What do you think?” she asked curiously, standing up from her chair as he did. It folded up behind her, and she smoothed her dress back down quickly. It was natural for her to look for other people’s opinions first, but internally she was forming her own comments too, assuming that he’d ask for them afterward. Absentmindedly, she wondered if Phillip liked movies. She assumed he’d gone to one, at least once; he was far more in tune with muggle things than she was. She wondered if he’d want to watch this one.

A part of her wanted to talk about Phillip with all of her friends; the fact that everything had happened over the summer had been pretty perfect, but it did mean that she hadn't seen most of them, and couldn’t gush to them like she wanted to. Well, like she felt like she wanted to. She’d had a sleepover with Aase and Barbara, her two best friends, and it had taken her over an hour to build up the courage to even urge conversation in that direction, let along bringing it up directly. She wasn’t used to talking about her life like that, placing herself at the center of things. They’d sat in the center of their row, though, and she glanced at the people at the ends making their way out before looking back at her friend.

It was impossible to get wizards to hang out and do normal things in groups, apparently. Every summer this happened! Killian made plans, and Wizard God (Merlin?) laughed. But Billie had made it, and honestly? He wasn't even mad Josie had bailed. He felt sorry for her. Josie had missed a showing of one of the greatest films of all time and that was her problem.

Plus, this way he could look over at Billie, still staring at the screen, and it wouldn't be weird.

He wished he had tissues or something to offer her. The best he could come up with was a paper napkin, leftover from when he raided the concessions stand for napkins after spilling the "butter topping". Ki pressed one into Billie's hand silently, trying to let her absorb the movie in her own time.

He couldn't blame her for crying - it was kind of cute? In a 'wow, she's so invested in a story he has no context for' kind of way. And Ki had spent the last third of the movie - since the Ent marched on Isengard - with his jaw hanging open. It wasn't that different a reaction.

"Wow", he echoed. She asked what he thought, and Ki realized he didn't really have any thoughts to share, other than the aforementioned Wow, which had already been said. "Uh, I think," he stalled, standing from the faux plush cinema chair, "that this one was even better than the first one? It's hard to tell, ending on a cliffhanger and all." God, he wanted to watch the first film again right now immediately. With Billie. Preferably.

He stuck his hands in his pockets, watching other people file out of the theatre out of the corner of his eyes. "I'm more interested in what you think," Ki said after a moment, raising an eyebrow at his friend. "About the whole experience. The film and like," he waved a hand around the theatre, "being in one of these." Had to be vague, of course, when in the real world, but it was exciting to take Billie to her first proper movie.

She dabbed lightly at her cheeks with the serviette he’d pressed into her hands, then folded it neatly. Billie listened to his single comment, nodding at his words, even though she hadn’t seen the first one. She couldn't imagine it could be better than this one, even if it did introduce all of the characters. It made sense to watch it, but she already felt a little attached to this one.

She smiled a little when he said he was more interested in her thoughts. He was always doing that, shifting the focus back to her. Sometimes it made her uncomfortable. “I like the magic,” she told him with a small smile. It wasn’t uncomfortable today, though she was a little sad Josie hadn’t been able to come. “At first, I thought… a bit understated? But I think it’s more as if I feel this sense of scale…” she gestured with a hand as they started moving, trying to explain the feeling. “Less literal than ours,” she added quietly, casting a furtive glance to the people on her side, though it was clear that no one was listening in.

“And the rest…” She trailed off, shaking her head. They were moving with the crowd now, and she cast a final glance over her shoulder to look at the screen before they had to turn off down into a hallway. “A lot more intense than I’d imagined,” She told him seriously, her brow furrowing slightly. She was talking a bit more than she usually did, but she still felt emotional; it was flowing out. “The music,” she gushed. The blonde shook her head. When she was younger, she’d listened to orchestral music with her father, but this was something else. Would Phillip like it, she wondered?

She folded the cheap paper napkin. Killian resisted the urge to laugh at that (not her, of course) for being so proper about a movie theatre napkin. Billie's little society mannerisms seemed so out of place here, in the half-light of the safety lights and the credits rolling on the screen and bits of popcorn on her skirt. And also his shirt. He brushed them off with more force than was necessary.

"It's a neat system, isn't it?" Ki smiled. "I like that it's not about spells - more about willpower?" That was appealing to him. When Mr. Flume had told Killian that magic was real, he had hoped it would be more like the stuff in Lord of Rings. Less babbling in Latin.

Ours. Ki's lip twitched a little at that, but he tried not to let it show. It was going on five years since he found out about the world hidden behind his own, and Killian still didn't think of himself as part of it. He was visiting. He was visiting and then he was going to do sixth form in a year and a bit and this would have been a fun adventure he had. Ki would miss Billie and Josie and everyone but...

This. This here in the movie theatre with the popcorn and sticky soda residue. This was the real world. Not that one.

He kept in step with her as they moved into the blinding light of the lobby. "Movies can be pretty overwhelming," he agreed. "The first one I went to, I started crying because it seemed so real." He was also five at the time, but Billie didn't need to know that. "Would you want to go again? The third one comes out at Christmas." Ki paused briefly to look at the movie's poster on their way out. "It's gonna be intense." Ki grinned at Billie, raising his eyebrows. "Oh, you should watch the first one before. I've got it on tape at home." He paused for a moment, then, "Maybe Josie can make it next time."

Billie seemed enamoured with the score, and Ki got another idea. "When are you getting picked up again?" He glanced at his (normal, analog) watch. "We can pop into an HMV - I'm pretty sure they got the soundtrack. Maybe on vinyl." Wizards had record players, right? They were so behind on everything, but they had to have record players.

Billie wondered what other kinds of movies there were. She'd prepared, sort of, and knew that they were split in a similar way that radio plays and books were – comedies, dramas, romances – but how did those things translate to the "screen" exactly? "Wow," Billie replied, but she nodded tentatively too. It had all been so intense – the sound, the screen – not the content specifically, though that had been intense in its own right too. Being there in the dark with a room full of people sharing the emotional highs and lows of the “movie” with her gave her a touch of that sense of scale too, like she was a part of something bigger than herself. She’d felt the same when her aunt had taken her to a concert one year as a birthday gift.

The long part of the movie that had been mostly just fighting had been a bit much for her – the violence, and the gore, and the shots of women and children trembling while the battle raged on outside – but she didn't want to say that. She remembered once more the moment one of the "elves" (kind of weird that they were called that, in her opinion) was killed and felt a pang in her chest.

“I’d love to,” she answered honestly, glancing at him to make sure he knew she meant it, as she tucked some stray strands of hair behind one ear. She'd misinterpreted, and thought he was asking if she wanted to see this one again, but when he mentioned the third one would be coming out later in the year she didn't react or change her answer. Billie felt a little anxious to know what would happen at the end, and December seemed like a long time away. She watched his face as he studied the movie poster, then glanced at her again. He was grinning, and it elicited a small smile from her in response.

There was a part of her still felt caught up a little leftover emotion, she thought. She might need some dedicated time to process it, either now or later – maybe she'd write all about it to Phillip tonight... or maybe she could tell him about it when she saw him (hopefully tomorrow). Even though they saw each other so much, her hand had started getting sore from writing to him so much; she really should look into getting a quill she could dictate to.

"I'd like to watch the first one," she answered. She couldn't imagine it being better than this one, but she did want to know more about the world. She was a little confused about a couple of things – like the romance – perhaps the first movie would make it all more clear.  Billie nodded at the mention of his – their? – Gryffindor friend. “It’s a shame she couldn’t come today, she really missed out,” Billie said, her brow furrowing just a little. She wondered if Josie had any desire to watch this movie specifically, or if they’d just been going because Killian wanted to see it. Billie would be more than happy to watch it again if Josie really wanted to see it.

The thought sparked another one about Phillip, and she resolved to touch the topic with him later on; maybe he would go with her again, and she could share it with him. She definitely wasn’t confident enough to navigate the process by herself. How did one even exchange money, anyway? She supposed Gringotts did that. Mechanics aside, she wanted to share it with him. They’d been speaking so much and seeing each other so much recently that her thoughts always drew back to him.

“Not until six o’clock,” she told him, glancing at his watch too, even though she was a bit too far away to guess the time. By her estimation, that gave them forty or fifty minutes. “Oh really?” she asked emphatically, her eyes widening a little at the thought. She could probably just listen to that music and cry for hours. “I have a record player,” she added excitedly. It was her aunt’s, and at the Maidstone house, but that was fine.

"Great!" Killian's smiled widened. The logistics of arranging the viewing - where could Billie be dropped off near their place, how to warn Mum, whether to warn Mum - were problems for another time. Ki nodded back at Billie as she agreed about Josie, which, was totally fine. He had reached the same conclusion. But he kind of didn't want to invite Josie for round 2 of Lord of the Rings - she had missed the boat for that. It would be cool if this could be a Buckley and Fay thing. They were in different houses, it was hard to have a thing that was just for them.

"Six?" he repeated, thinking. They had most of the hour, then, and the HMV was just down the road. Plus, Billie's eyes had gotten big when Ki mentioned the soundtrack, and she did have a record player (one point for wizards) so that was settled. He really hoped they had it on vinyl. "Right, HMV it is." Mum had lent him the debit card for the tickets, Billie was excited, and he had - he glanced at the watch again - forty-five minutes to show the blonde around a record store. Ki grinned. "This way."

It only took about five minutes to walk from the theatre to the record store. The pink neon sign reflected off Billie's hair, making her whole face seem flush. He wanted to see her reaction. It felt nice to be witnessing someone experience his world for the first time instead of the other way around like it always was at school. "After you." He pulled open a glass door, waving her to go inside, watching her face closely for her reaction.

She a bit at smiled at his great! Billie got on pretty well with Ki, though a lot of the people in his circle were a little intimidating. That wasn’t necessarily bad, though – or at least it didn’t necessarily have to be. She still liked Josie, even though she found her a little overwhelming sometimes. The Gryffindor girls in Ki’s group had only come into her life fairly recently, and it was probably a good thing that it hadn’t happened a couple of years ago, when her social confidence was far more shaky than it was now. Billie wondered vaguely when it had happened, and why. Maybe her friendship with Phillip had something to do with it. She certainly felt more confident these days – these past few weeks, especially.

“HMV,” Billie agreed, having no idea what he was talking about. She fell into step beside him, her eyes scanning every shop along the street as they passed them. He mind wandered back to the movie, and how immersive it had all been for her. The grim tone of the second half had been really affecting; she still felt quite emotional, and was masking it a little bit. Phillip would have been able to tell, she thought. She really wanted to talk to him about the experience.

Billie didn’t spend much time in muggle London, or in any part of London at all really. This was the first summer she’d really spent time with her friends over the break, so everything felt new to her. She was a bit distracted by it all when he soon stopped outside the store. Billie followed suit belatedly, her eyes immediately flicking up to the neon sign above the door, then back down to see if she could see through the glass.

She hesitated, waiting for him to go through the door, but then followed his indication for her to go in first. If she were honest, she felt a little nervous. She was anxious that she’d make a mistake that gave her away, or do something ridiculous that might embarrass her – or worse, him. She gave her friend a little smile on the way through but as soon as she stepped inside, her smile faded a little and was replaced by something else. Surprise? Confusion? It was a little overwhelming, all of the rows of little... boxes? And things? She hesitated again, then stepped to the side to let him come in too, wanting him to take the lead.

It was probably just the fact that everything was so new. She’d done a good job of acting very serene at the theatre, despite not having much idea of what she was getting into, but watching the movie had put her in a more emotional space. A more sensitive space. So she felt more nervous now, unsure of where to go or how to navigate the space. She chided herself internally; wasn't this just a store? “Where do we…?” she gave him a small smile, not wanting to worry him.

There was something a little... off, about Billie's energy. Ki wasn't sure if he was just imagining it. He knew this wasn't, like, a date date - wasn't Billie still infatuated with Donnelly? - but even so he was trying so hard to pay attention to her body language. Was it nerves from being in London? Around normal people? Around him? Something else entirely? When her head was turned, looking at a Prêt a Manger as they walked, Ki let his face fall briefly into a frown. He wanted to be let in, but also not push things.

Ki kind of knew she would be overwhelmed, but he was imagining more of a sparkly-eyed, woah kind of reaction to the shiny neon crispness and selection of a normal music store. Wizard stores felt so cramped and dim - he didn't really enjoy visiting Diagon Alley beyond the requisite August supply trip. But his first time walking into Ollivander's, or the library, he had been wide-eyed with excitement. Billie just stared out at the store. But maybe Billie's stunned reaction now made a little more sense - going from the high fantasy to this might be tonal whiplash. He reached out his hand to her, grinning again, trying to put her at ease. "Let me show you the soundtracks." After a moment, Billie placed her hand in his.

It wasn't like their fingers were interlocked or anything, it was perfectly platonic friendship stuff, but there was still a rush of blood to his face. He turned around, trying to hide it from the blonde girl and gently lead her to the correct aisle. It was mostly CDs here, the vinyl was at the very back. There was a stand-alone listening booth near there, too. Killian squinted at the labels and grinned. "Here," he said excitedly, pulling Billie to the stand and slipping the headphones over her ears, "Listen, they've got the score on here too." Ki pushed a button, listening for sound slipping out from headphones. Retreat, the listing said. He wondered what moment of the film that was from, exactly - it was all a big rush in his brain still. Was his heart still pumping from the action of the film, or from holding Billie's hand? He wasn't quite sure.

Her question trailed off as she looked at him. He was smiling widely again, so she smiled a bit automatically, but she wasn’t sure where to look, or what to do.

Billie glanced at his hand as he offered it. She hesitated – the Gryffindors were all so much more touchy than her other friends. Josie was always patting her back or putting her arm around her. It was a little uncomfortable for Billie, who wasn’t used to it at all. Hand holding was something she’d only really done with Phillip, too. Or family, she supposed. Kendrick too, if he didn’t count in that category. Anyway, whatever, this wasn’t the same as the Josie stuff because he was asking, not taking, and she was nervous, and he was kind and – she took his hand.

“Thank you,” she said, knowing that she was thanking him for a little more than just “showing her the soundtracks”. She let him lead her down a row, and she looked at the pictures on the CD boxes as they walked past them. All of them were very still – she didn’t feel like she was being looked back at when she glanced at the faces of what she presumed were singers or performers. Billie flicked her gaze to the back of his head and felt a little bad that she wasn’t being as observant as she usually was. She felt emotional, and wasn’t used to feeling that with this particular friend, so she wasn’t quite sure how to process it. Usually she wasn’t so self-absorbed.

She stopped when he did, and watched him pressing buttons. She wondered if she should do the same, but waited patiently instead.

Her eyes went wide when she heard the music. It took her back immediately, and straight away she felt a little nervous. The movie had been very long – but she thought that she knew the part that this song was from. She glanced at him, wondering if he’d picked it because he knew, or was thinking about it too, or if it had just been random. She couldn’t read his expression. Billie put her hands over the top of the headphones, one on each side, and dropped her gaze, frowning a little as she listened.

The music intensified, in an anxious sort of way, then went quiet, and then there was a very unsettling section that unnerved her in the way she was sure she was supposed to be unnerved. She was silent for a couple of minutes, her focus entirely on the music, but then she took the headphones off and placed them neatly back on the empty hook. Billie had been deeply immersed again, and she wasn’t sure exactly when it had happened, but her cheeks were wet once more.

“I’m sorry,” she said, glancing down and to the side as she wiped under her eyes with her middle fingers. There was a small frown on her face, and she felt embarrassed. Too much crying in one day. She knew he’d be concerned, because he was kind and sweet, but she felt a little guilty drawing so much attention to herself.

Maybe he should have previewed the track first. He stood beside her, watching her face change with the music. Her eyes darted to him. Ki gave her a quick grin and a thumbs up, realizing his face of intensely watching her was probably kinda weird to witness. Her hands went to the headphones, which would have been adorable if her face hadn't scrunched up into a frown. Shit, was it a bad song? After about a minute, Ki noticed a tear run down her cheek and panicked. Just from the music? Billie felt things more intensely than he had previously realized. He reached into his jeans, finding one more napkin (Thank God!) crumpled at the bottom of his pocket.

She quietly put the headphones back on the hook, and Ki held out the very sad paper napkin to her as she started to apologize. "Hey, I'm sorry," he said gently. He wanted to offer her a hug, but a) were they there? and b) she seemed so delicate right now, like one wrong touch might splinter her into a million pieces. He didn't want to risk it. "I didn't realize." Realize what? That she was so in tune with music? That this song would have this effect on her? It felt wrong not to give her some physical sign that things were okay, so he reached for her hand again and gave it a little squeeze.

“Oh,” she said when he offered the serviette. Where was he keeping these?? Billie dabbed lightly at her cheeks. He apologised after she did and she shook her head. “No, really,” she insisted sincerely, holding the napkin tightly between her fingers. “It’s not bad, it’s – my fault.” She knew he had to feel uncomfortable; most people felt uncomfortable when someone started randomly crying in front of them. And he was kind, and he cared. So he had to feel that way, too.

“I’m okay,” she added, feeling a bit flustered by the situation. She wasn’t used to being emotional like this in front of people, either. “It’s just…” she pulled her hand away from his and placed it on her chest lightly, her fingertips brushing against the cotton of her top. “I’m a wuss?” she offered, a small smile appearing as she blinked away little droplets still clinging to her eyelashes. She was blushing a little, clearly embarrassed. She glanced away again, folding the serviette in half then half again. “The movie was more immersive than I thought,” she added, still with that small smile. “I was just thinking about that elf – what was his name?”

Her fault? A look of confusion flickered across Killian's face. He wasn't like, giving her a dressing down or anything. My fault. The phrase stuck with him. He wanted to ask about that, but - he glanced down at his watch - it wasn't like they had time to unpack everything that was going on behind Billie's shimmering green eyes. He should get like, the good Kleenex before they watched another movie, though. The ones with the lotion or the aloe vera in it, or whatever. He gave her hand another squeeze before she pulled away.

"You're not a wuss," Killian said, almost automatically. It was upsetting to hear her put herself down, even if she was joking, possibly - the smile was either to signify self-deprecating humour or just trying to reassure him. Probably the latter. Blaming the movie was an improvement on blaming herself. Ki nodded, trying to convey some sense of wise understanding. Elf? "Legolas? Or Haldir?" He turned toward the CDs, trying to cheat out to Billie but also to look for the Two Towers CD at the same time. She was going home with the soundtrack, somehow, and time was slipping away faster than Killian would have liked.

He checked his watch, and the action made her feel a bit anxious, her mind immediately spinning up the possibility that her crying had put him off wanting to spend time with her. Yes, she was a wuss actually – but she couldn’t argue when his statement was so self-contained. That sort of quiet abruptness didn’t phase her too much though; Phillip spoke in statements, too.

“Oh, no – Haldir, yes,” she said, her tentative head-shake turning into a nod partway through. “Just thinking about his death scene,” she added with a small frown, hoping that that was the right word – scene. She was hesitant to continue, not really sure that she’d done it right, the whole movie thing. She hadn’t seen anyone else crying – not that she’d been aware enough to notice – Killian certainly hadn’t. Her reaction was probably an overreaction, and that thought made her want to fold into herself a little.

She hesitated, not sure if she wanted to elaborate. After a moment, though, her lingering thoughts wanted to be shared. “The way he died looking at the bodies of the other elves…” She said, trailing off, still frowning. She felt a bit emotional, and intentionally pushed that down. Her eyes were on Killian as he flicked through the shelves. The movie had been long, and lots of different things had happened, but she remembered a couple of bits with sparkling clarity. That had been one of them.

The blonde straightened her shirt, then clasped her hands together so she wouldn’t fidget. “Just sad, is all,” she finished lamely. It had been sad. To die at that point, with the bodies of your friends in front of you, and with such little hope? The battle had been won in the end, but he hadn’t known that. He must have thought he was dying for nothing. She squirmed internally, shooing the feelings away as she watched her friend.

Haldir, that made way more sense than Legolas to cry about. Billie was picking up the terminology of movies almost instinctively, Ki realized (unless wizards had plays - did wizards have plays? He knew they had ballet at least, thank you Babs) and it was charming to him. She still seemed hesitant. It was unfair to expect her to act like Josie or Nola, but it would be nice to be let into her mind just a little more. He wanted to know Billie, really know her, but busting through her walls was probably a bad way to do that. And if this was as close as he was ever to get, well... that would be that.

"The way he died looking at the bodies of the other elves…” Billie said, seeming - disturbed, maybe? or just dismayed? at how that scene had gone. Ki nodded. "It is sad," he agreed, feeling stupid if that was all he had to say. "Dramatic tragedy, dying without knowing what his sacrifice was for..." Ki was frowning now, too. "I wasn't as affected by his death in the books," he said after a moment, "I think they did that really well here."

He had to resist the urge to look at his watch again - every time he checked more time than he had thought had passed, and it was beginning to feel like Killian was burning precious minutes on checking how many were left. "Aha!" he exclaimed suddenly, pulling out the CD set. "Here, this is the soundtrack on disc," Killian said excitedly, presenting the plastic case to Billie. "At least if they don't have it on record, we have this." There had to be a way to get her a CD player.

“Yes, that’s right,” she said, still frowning but giving a couple of quick nods. She was glad he was reiterating her perspective, glad that he was looking at it the way she had been. “It’s not bad,” she said, “– I mean, actually it’s quite good,” she added, raising her eyebrows now. Billie gave a small shrug. “I’m the kind of person who cries in books, though,” she said with a tony smile. A wuss, she thought, but didn’t say. When he said he wasn’t as affected by Haldir’s death in the books, she wondered if it would be the same for her. It all depended on the writing, she supposed. “I’d like to read them,” Billie said.

She squeezed her clasped hands as he exclaimed, then held up a little plastic box for her to see. Her aunt had been a very traditional woman, and at over a hundred years old Billie doubted that she’d spent much time in the recent years before her death keeping up to date with muggle trends and technology. She certainly hadn’t taught Billie about any of those kinds of things. Still, she nodded and smiled at his triumph as her oceany eyes flicked over the cover as he presented the box to her. On disc, she thought, tucking that away for later.

“Oh!” she said, his enthusiasm making her happy. “I don’t think I have anything to play that on,” she said with a hesitant smile. She held her hand out and took the box (disc?), turning it over in her hands to have a quick look at the back. “I’ll have to write down all the character and place names,” she said, mostly to herself. There were a lot of characters, and a lot of vowels in all of their names.