[Rybinsk] выхода нет (Nastya)

Her mother replied weakly to her, and Nastya found herself extremely confused. It felt like she was winning (conveniently forgetting that her idea was not really her own in the first place) and it bothered her. Talking to her mother was often more of a struggle. “I’ve made up my mind,” Nastya stated with a scowl, “I’m performing.” The athlete added with a tone of finality despite herself being extremely unsure if that was actually what she wanted. She felt that her aggressive responses were now out of place when Alyona was so placid and more flexible than normal. Nastya would not let herself be a disappointment to the family and to the school however, and though she was… apprehensive about performing, Nastya felt like she really had no choice but to follow along with what the flying school wanted.

Nastya was surprised that Alyona remained silent especially when even Anastasiya herself felt that her remarks had been perhaps a little mean and uncalled for. Perhaps she hadn’t heard them though? That was probably for the best if that was the case, after all, she didn’t really hate the school and she didn’t hate Aleksandra Viktorovna at all. In fact, she had been Nastya’s first choice when she first thought about adding a coach to her team.

The younger of Alyona’s daughters clung to her mother tightly, not really wanting to ever let go, feeling safe and protected as her willowy frame was enveloped by her mother’s arms around her. Alyona reassured her again that it was alright to be scared and Nastya found she couldn’t say anything in response, choking on her words as she continued to sob. She hated that she was being so weak in front of Alyona, that she wasn’t strong enough to keep her emotions in check anymore like her mother had taught her. But, Alyona didn’t seem to be cross with her at all and Nastya wasn’t sure if that made things better or worse.

After she pulled away from the hug, Nastya hung her head, avoiding eye contact, as she snivelled and listened to her mother’s advice. It wasn’t anything she hadn’t heard before, in fact her grandfather had told her almost the same thing before she performed her free program back at the World Championships in 2000. Somehow though, it had a new weight and held a different meaning now. Was she strong enough to still be able to be as reliable and sturdy as she used to be? Nastya guessed only time would tell. At least there would be extra security, and this did comfort her a very little as she slowly nodded her head to show she understood and approved. However, Nastya felt more appeased when her mother said that she, herself, would make sure she was safe. Anastasiya didn’t know who she could trust beyond her family anymore… even then, Nastya wasn’t sure. The idea of having a bunch of strangers to protect her wasn’t really much of a comfort. Nastya briefly wondered if she could just drag her mother around with her wherever she went, just so that she could feel comfortable. Alyona then added the arena would be protected. Nastya gave a relieved sigh, nodding her head again and daring to look up at her mother. “You promise?” Anastasiya shakily asked, with watery eyes.

Nastya shook her head as Alyona stated it wasn’t her fault. Zhenya had already tried to convince her of this and failed and Alyona was not going to be successful at reassuring her of this either. The younger of the sisters had so much guilt festering inside of her, and it had persuaded her weeks ago that she was to blame. Her mother grasped her shoulders, shaking her slightly and Nastya felt the tears rolling down her cheeks. “Stop it, please.” Nastya weakly protested, before her mother told her not to blame herself, that nobody else did. She really didn’t think that was true. She was still convinced that her sister blamed her, even just a little. Her father avoided her, so he clearly blamed her too. And all the other athletes at the school kept a wide berth from her, and although they probably didn’t know that it was her fault, it only served to fuel her self-critical fire.

“They should…” Nastya muttered, averting her eyes away from Alyona again. “It is my fault. How can you say it isn’t?” Nastya asked, her voice breaking as she let out another sob. Nastya wrapped her arms around herself, trying to make herself as small as possible as she repeated the thoughts that had been running through her mind for weeks. “I gave her the box and I... took her home and I… I gave her the letters too.” She sobbed again, wondering if she could just sink down into the floor and cease to exist as she realised that she had basically just agreed to replace Aglayka too, like she was the brand new model of a broom and they were leaving the old one in the corner to rot. Another transgression against her elder sister that she could add to her quickly growing collection.

Instead of dramatically flopping herself on the floor in an attempt to disappear though, Nastya ripped herself out of Alyona’s grasp and turned away from her mother again. “How do you not hate me?” She asked, her words frail as she continued to cry. She couldn’t blame her mother if she did actually hate her. Nastya felt that she deserved it.

“Good,” Alyona said curtly. She did not want to discuss this topic any further. It was exhausting and pointless. Nastya was meant to perform and she said she would perform. That was all she needed to know. Her mission was accomplished. She could tell Aleksandra that her younger daughter would be performing at the gala and would be happy (or not really happy) to be featured as one of the stars at the show.

Alyona just hoped that this wasn't a wrong move. She was scared that Nastya would not feel up to the task and either back out last minute or give an uninspired and unfocused performance that made it obvious that they were all just pretending that this was a normal situation. She didn't know how any of them would break the news to Aglaya either and if her eldest daughter would take it well or not. Truth be told, Alyona would like to spare them all this entire situation but there was no way out. The Christmas gala would be happening and the chances that Aglaya would be anywhere close to being able to perform were about as low as Nastya's chances to get a perfect ten for her C-mark in her next competition.

As they hugged, Alyona once again noticed the way to thin shape of her daughter. She knew she'd have to act, that she had to help her but right now the healer was just happy that she had got through the hardest part of her day and had achieved the desired result. Besides Nastya was not in a stable state now. There was absolutely no way she'd get through to her now if she brought up the topic of her looking worryingly thin and unhealthy.

“Of course, I promise,” Alyona said, offering a slight smile. “I will do everything I can to keep you safe.”

It was hard to listen to the self accusations that Nastya repeatedly made. It had been unfortunate that the girl had been dragged into this but it was not her fault at all. Alyona wondered if in the current situation there was any chance at all to convince her of this.

“Anastasiya, listen to me!” she said sternly now, “stop blaming yourself. It has not been your fault. You couldn't have know that this lunatic used you as a messenger. Until then we didn't even know that there was a stalker that was potentially dangerous. I will admit that I did not approve of Aglayka leaving the hospital and neither did I like the idea that you brought her home but that doesn't matter anymore now. It's okay. And regarding the letters... maybe I should have taken and read them. I can't believe that the thought never occurred to me. It should have. I should have searched her fan mail for hints...” she took a deep breath and shook her head. “Nothing of what happened is your fault. You need to understand that and be strong.”

It almost broke her heart when her daughter freed herself and asked her how she did not hate her. Alyona closed her eyes briefly and then blinked few times to conceal that she was close to welling up herself now. “Nastenka...” she said weakly, “I could never hate you. Besides there's really no reason for it. It's all in your head. Nobody but you blames you. Please, believe me.” She sighed sadly and wondered what there was left to say to cheer Nastya up.

“Let's just go home now. It's been a long day. We both need to get some sleep. There's another long day ahead of us...” Having said that, Alyona turned around to grab her handbag and her coat. “Do you want us to walk home together or would you rather take the floo network?” She asked, happy to do whatever Nastya preferred but secretly hoping for a walk.

[out]

Nastya sighed, glancing at her mother as she curtly acknowledged Anastasiya’s agreement to perform. She felt more trapped by her family than ever, and the younger of Alyona’s daughters was resigned to do as she was told, once again. Perhaps with two months for the idea to settle, Nastya hoped she’d learn to accept it and treat it like any other gala, that the idea of performing again wouldn’t frighten her. She knew that would be difficult though, as she was being pushed into a spotlight that she no longer wanted. And yet, at the same time, she did want it. The athlete had no idea what to think about the situation anymore, perhaps it really was just better to be a pawn on the school’s chessboard and not even give a thought to what she was being told to do.

Her mother promised that she’d keep her safe, and Anastasiya gave a weak and tired smile as she nodded. “Okay.” She sniffed, using the sleeve of her catsuit to wipe her tears from her face. It was, at least, a little comfort to her to have Alyona acknowledge her existence, her importance and make such a promise that showed that she did actually care.

As soon as her mother used her full first name, Nastya immediately looked up at Alyona with wide eyes, her mother now having caught her complete attention. It had inadvertently reminded her of how she felt that Nastya and Anastasiya were two different people sometimes, and it made her very quickly cease her sobbing as she listened to the rest of her mother’s speech. Feeling that her tears were no longer welcome, Nastya wiped her face with her sleeve once more, the edge of it now quite wet. She took a few shaky breaths as she tried to regain control of herself and her emotions.

Nastya did not care what her mother said though, it was absolutely her fault. She was convinced her mother was just saying that to make her feel better, but it wasn’t true. Anastasiya had no clue what to say though, she could feel that arguing with her mother on this point would not end well for either of them, and she was quickly becoming tired. “Aglayka wouldn’t have liked that.” Nastya quietly stated as Alyona suggested that she should have gone through the fan letters herself. She certainly wouldn’t have enjoyed such an invasion of privacy had she been in the same situation.

Nastya did her best to pull herself together as she took a deep breath and tried to put on a brave face as Alyona told her to be strong. Nastya understood this as meaning that she had to bottle up her emotions again, that they were useless, unwanted and would only get in her way. “Yes, mother.” She replied flatly, a stone cold expression forming on her face as she hastily wiped away the last remaining tears.

Hesitantly, Anastasiya slowly turned her head to look at her mother, the tiniest of smiles playing on her lips. She was relieved to hear her mother say that she could never hate her, but she wondered if her mother would still have said that if Aglayka had, heaven forbid, actually died. Nastya was sure things would have been very different then. Nastya chewed on her lower lip, lowering her eyes as she hugged herself. Her mother really sounded like she meant her words, that she genuinely believed that no one else blamed her. The senior artistic flyer wanted to believe her too, and slowly shook her head as a flicker of doubt made her wonder if it actually was just in her head. Surely, that wasn’t true?

Her eyes flicked back up as Alyona suggested that they should return home. Nastya nodded her consent with a forced smile. The conversation had been exhausting, and she was eager to get home, change into comfortable pyjamas and go straight to sleep (with the help of dreamless sleep potion, of course). Her mother was right, there was another long day ahead of them. A long day of training that was going to be made even more complicated by the lunch that she had now agreed to. Nastya watched as Alyona grabbed her coat and handbag and asked if she’d rather take the floo network or walk. She pulled a hand through her still damp ponytail in thought. The walk sounded quite nice, it would give them more time to talk if they wanted to, and even companionable silence would be pleasant too. The fresh air would be very welcome, and she would be safe walking the streets because her mother would be right there beside her. Nastya hoped that the additional short walk would even tire her out more, so that she really could just go straight to sleep.

“I’d like to walk?” Nastya hesitantly offered, her voice unintentionally rising in inflection as she headed towards the door and opened it, waiting for Alyona to shut it behind her before they set off home. She hoped it wouldn’t be too cold outside since she was only wearing her catsuit and forgot to remove her training bag from her locker.

[end]