don't show up, don't come out | jae

november 2003

"It's fine, your fine," Mavis told herself as she paced back and forth in front of the entrance to the Quidditch pitch. Wednesday after lessons was a decent time to try to fly again, she had convinced herself, but the closer she got, the more she freaked out. After the accident, she was terrified of getting up in the air. She remembered colliding with another student, falling from the broom, and even how long it felt like it took for her to crash against the ground, but everything else was a blur. She'd told her parents she didn't remember any of it, assuming it would be easier for them to cope that way, but it had been a lie.

Mavis hadn't even told Magnolia or Josie the real truth about it. That she wasn't just pissed about falling and losing the game, Mavis had tried to convince everyone she was rage quitting instead of chickening out. When in truth, thinking about getting up in the air again nearly suffocated her. It gave her nightmares and cold sweats, but she did her best to hide it. Near-death experiences had undoubtedly not been on the todo list for the teenage witch.

"Just a few feet off the ground, baby steps, Mavis, you got this." She punched her fist toward the ground, trying to be brave like Gryffindors should be, but it was barely helping. She felt sick thinking about flying again. Sighing loudly as she threw her hands into the air, the teenager felt like a complete basket case. "Get it together, for Merlin's sake," She began, stopping for a moment before returning to her crazy town-banana-pants-foster-with-extra-nuts pacing and self-encouragement, "You are a smart, capable, brave, beautiful witch and you. Can. Do. This."

@Jae Kim

It was a bit colder than he expected, but Jae didn't mind the cold so much. It was the heat he couldn't stand and so the weather suited him just fine even though he knew his cheeks would be a bit wind burned after his practice session. He loped down to the quidditch pitch, broom over one shoulder as song lyrics from a new band Isaac had just shown him looped around in his head. Did he need the extra practice for the upcoming game? Not really but he had been bored lately and he was in between his obsessive book reading habits. He had just finished up all the books there were on illusionism and that field of magic and hadn't quite decided what he wanted to dive into next. Quidditch was always a comfort to him, something he had loved even before he knew his 'curse' was something real. Or at least real enough to be explained in a fashion...

To his surprise, he saw a familiar figure at the entrance of the pitch. Mavis. And as usual, she was doing something he didn't quite expect. His brows pulled together, trying to understand what she was saying as she punched the ground, his approach silent so as to not disturb her. Her words became clearer as he came closer and it made him smile a little. She had always had a flair for the dramatics, it reminded him of their days playing mudditch. Jae refused to admit to himself that he missed those days though so instead focused on her little speech. Not that he could disagree with anything she said.

"Don't stop your little pep talk on my account," he said, his voice low and quiet but with a bit of amusement in his tone. "Are you here to practice or is this your usual pep talk place?"

"I won't be stopping anything on your account," Mavis shot upright and informed him quickly, folding her arms over her chest and flinging one hip dramatically to the side. As if her entire body posture could somehow say 'Hmph' at him as she rolled her eyes. "Maybe I'm here to practice; maybe I'm not; why do you care?" Mavis couldn't bring herself to tell him she was too afraid to head in. Five years ago, Jae would have been the very first (and only) person she would have run to with something like this. Everything had changed since then, so much that even Mavis, the second-in-line to the gossipy web of drama throne, could barely keep up.

They were best friends, but she had lied, but the lie had been legally demanded of her, so why couldn't he forgive it? Mavis couldn't remember if she had ever apologized, probably not, the Gryffindor was too stubborn for such things, but she wished now that she would have. She really could have used his special kind of sarcastic support right now.

Mavis huffed at him, waiting for an answer and pretending like he was the one who had been doing something crazy. Mavis wasn't nearly as good at deflecting as she thought she was, but boy did she try.

He narrowed his gaze at her tone, but held his hands up in silent defense as she snapped at him, his eyes tracing over the familiar lines of her face, her arms folded almost defensively in front of herself, the roll of her eyes, the attack of her tone even though he hadn't meant to put her on the offensive. In the past, Jae might have guessed that she was upset about something just by her behavior but he didn't know her anymore like he used to. Maybe he had never known her like he thought he did.

"I don't care," he was quick to snap back, his back straightening, his hand gripping the handle of his broomstick a little tighter as he glanced away, wanting to give off the air that he really didn't care. Why should he care that she was probably upset about something. They weren't even close friends, not anymore. She would probably be more likely to spill her secrets to her gang of Gryff girls than him so he told himself he didn't care.

"It just seems odd for someone to be down at the pitch, you know where people practice quidditch, if you're not actually practicing," he flipped back at her, sarcasm heavy on his tone. "Didn't you quit the team anyway?" he asked before he realized that maybe he shouldn't have said anything. Team rosters were public knowledge enough though so maybe it was fine. It wasn't like he had studied rosters or anything to see if he would have to face off against her in any upcoming games. He still wondered if he felt more of a relief or frustration that he wouldn't see her on the pitch.

"I don't care," , when he said it, she frowned. Mavis couldn't decide if she was angrier about the fact that he didn't care or because of how he had said it. Did she care that he didn't care? No, okay, yes, of course, she did. She missed her best friend, but it had been so long now that all of those memories felt like they belonged to someone else. They had gone from spending every day together, sun up to sundown, to never speaking; it was a chaotic ride. "It's not odd," Mavis replied, but she knew it was. She had just been giving herself a pep talk, after all, that was kind of weird, but whatever, she would never admit he was right. Not about anything.

"And I didn't quit," She lied. She had absolutely quit. There were only two ways a student left the coveted house team: quitting or getting kicked off, and Mavis realized this seconds after she said it. And there was no way she would have him think that she was knocked off the team. Oh, hell, no. "I mean, yeah, I quit, screw Quidditch, it's stupid." She was digging quite the hole now. She flipped her long braid off her shoulder, the tightly weaved French one that she always wore when planning to play Quidditch, and sighed.

"I guess I'm still nervous about flying, after last year, or whatever," Maybe it was the nerves or the adrenaline, or maybe she just really wanted to tell someone, but Mavis felt the smallest bit better having said it out loud. Like admitting it took some of the power back, and she took a breath.

"Oh did I miss the group of people giving themselves pep talks at the pitch even though they're not practicing either?" he asked innocently, glancing around as if he had missed that group of people, before turning back to her with a perked brow. Yeah, not odd at all his expression said.

He couldn't help the patronizing smirk he gave her as she told him she didn't quit. He knew better than to believe that. It was the same thing with Isaac. It felt weird to not be facing off against his friends on the pitch, but each had their own reason. He just didn't understand Mavis's yet. "You didn't?" he asked with a nod and a glanced down at his black worn boots. He was about to give her a rebuttal, she could probably lie to her gaggle of Gryffindors and they would believe it, but he knew her better than that.

It's stupid? He nodded again and glanced away, picking up on the dishonesty as if she was waving a flag in front of his face. After what had happened before between them, even a little lie like this felt like a cut and it made him a little less kind. "Stupid? Then why are you at the pitch if you hate it so much? Why come here at all?" he threw back, challenge in his voice. But then she was sighing and explaining and it made him exhale slowly, some of the tension flowing out of his shoulders. It was like the truth helped them find their old common ground.

Her confession made him think back to last year. Seeing her fall from the sky had made his heart stop and he was pretty sure he had missed a goal because of it but it wasn't like blocking the quaffle was near as important as what had happened to her. He had even visited her a few times in the Hospital Wing, not that he would have told her that because he only visited when she was sleeping. He studied her features, his voice softer now. "Because of the fall?" he asked, still thinking about how this brave girl could possibly be afraid of anything. She had always been fearless, so much so that Jae had always known she was on a completely different level than him. That's why he had been stuck in the stupid Hufflepuff house while she was off with a group that suited her better. Maybe he had been fooling himself all those years that he thought he had actually been good enough of a friend for her.

His snarky comments only fueled the fire inside of her; he was so aggravating! The teenage witch scoffed at his sarcasm. She remembered when she thought Jae Kim was quite possibly the funniest wizard on the planet Earth; now, she just wanted him to shut up. "Because it's a free world," It wasn't, and Mavis was smart enough to know how dumb her comeback sounded, but she stuck to in a traditionally Gryffindor stubborn fashion, putting both hands on her hips now. "I'll come to the pitch if I please," Mavis informed him, a roll of her eyes; they were going down the same awful road they had so many times since the first year. It was easier to argue than figuring out how to be friends again, or so it seemed.

And yet, when she admitted her fears, Jae didn't tease her for them. He could have. She gave him the perfect opportunity. But he hadn't, and she noticed. Silently thankful, Mavis bit her tongue to keep herself from saying anything obnoxious. At least for now. Her jaw was still clenched when he mentioned the fall, and she nodded. Brown eyes slid away from him, obvious embarrassment flashing across her face, and she chewed on her lip. "Yeah," Her shoulders sunk a little, hands sliding nervously into the pockets of her red and gold sweatpants.

"I can't stop thinking about it, and then I just freeze; I can't even get the bloody broom off the ground," She explained, pointing at the broom she used to love as it laid in the grass. She'd spent twenty minutes before her little pep talk just trying to get it to fly up to her. It was pathetic, she was pathetic, and she felt small.

He recognized that spark in her eyes, the edge of the scoff she tossed in his direction, that leveling gaze she gave and he could feel himself gearing up for another one of their little spats. Bickering with Mavis was something they'd always done but after their fall out years ago, their little fights had lost some of the innocence of childhood they used to have. It felt more real, more heavy and while he didn't exactly like who he was when they bickered, he couldn't stop himself either.

But her honesty seemed to save them from that fate. For now, at least. It made him less inclined to poke and push her buttons even though he knew she had given him the perfect ammo for it. He watched as she turned her gaze away, noticing the elegant line of her cheekbones, her pointed chin, the mole above her eye. She felt so familiar in some ways and like a complete stranger in others. This... fear in her wasn't something he knew at all and he didn't like the way it settled on her shoulders and made her fidgety.

Her anxiety over flying was a little bewildering to him. She had always seemed to love flying, natural and powerful, like she was in her element. He thought back to his first year in Flying class when he had been equal parts jealous and in awe of her skill and ease and back then, the hurt of her lies had spurred him to learn and catch up with her. He wanted to see that Mavis again. He nodded at her words, understanding, and then started walking through the entrance. "C'mon then," he said over his shoulder as he walked toward the center of the pitch, glancing around to see that it was empty except for them. Sure, she could stay at the entrance forever and not step foot on the actual playing turf, but if she was anything like the old Mavis, he was hoping she'd be curious enough to follow. Or stubborn enough.

"Come on, what?" Mavis said with a tilt of her head even though she knew damn well what he had meant. There was a familiarity to his voice, to the way he invited her on to the pitch, and there was something nostalgic about it too. Like they had accidentally just broken something at his grandmother's house, and they were going to confess in solidarity. Despite everything that had happened, Mavis couldn't deny the fact that she still trusted Jae.

How could she not? He had been her rock for so long, her best friend, the boy she shared her dreams with, her nightmares, the one she'd gotten pretend married to when they were six, and the one she'd lied to half of her life. The guilt of what had transpired still broke her every time she thought about it. It was so messed up, and yeah, she had her friends now, some of which they even shared, but no one would ever really replace what she had with Jae. They couldn't.

"Um," Nervously, she tucked one of the many fly-aways that had already escaped her braid back behind her ear, "Okay," Mavis picked up her broom because getting it to hover alongside her was not going to happen today. And to think she had spent weeks perfecting that trick in an attempt to be "cool." All for nothing, it seemed, but a lot of things seemed that way now. "You know I broke four ribs when I fell?" She whispered to him as they walked onto the pitch. Mavis had been struck by lightning, managed to smack into another player, and was barely stopped by the cushioning magic before she hit the ground.

Why was she telling him this? She tried to tell herself that war stories were cool and that surviving made her more interesting, but really, she just wanted to share this with him. She wanted him to tell her it was going to be okay, and she would fly again. She wanted him to smile at her like he used to.

At her question, he just glanced over his shoulder and nodded forward but didn't stop walking. He could hear her pick up her broom and her clothing whispering against each other as she caught up with. He smiled a little as she fell into step beside him and it felt like old days back at home in Hampstead in a game he had thought came from her imagination only. Those were simpler days really, but he refused to admit fully that he missed them because that would mean that he missed the days of her lying to his face. And he certainly didn't like that.

Jae nodded as she told him about the four ribs. "And a concussion," he told her and then realized maybe he shouldn't have known that. He was pretty positive she didn't know about his visits to check up on her. "That's what I heard anyway," he said, trying to cover his little slip up. Then he glanced over at her, trying to read the expression in her eyes. Fear? Anxiety? "Do they still hurt?" A question he had definitely thought about before but never voiced.

They finally got to the middle of the pitch and the groundskeeper must have been here recently doing upkeep because the center of the field was pristine with stark white paint lines and a circle at the center. His initial plan for the day was to do some flying, drills, and hand-eye coordination practice so he was ready for the next game, but now he was rethinking. Instead he dropped his broom and sprawled out in the center circle, leaning back on his hands as he gazed up at her and then nodded towards the ground, patting the grass a bit, before looking back up at her, a silent invitation to join him.

Mavis' eyes shot up to his when he mentioned her concussion, questing his knowledge immediately but then shrinking a little when he explained. She wasn't sure how she felt about classmates talking about her injury. On the one hand, being famous was cool; on the other, it was embarrassing. She was pretty sure she had not looked at all attractive as she crashed.

"Sometimes?" Mavis admitted sheepishly when he asked about the pain. Her eyes darting anywhere that wasn't his face as she did. As much as she wanted to pretend like it was all behind her, that obviously wasn't the case. Her family was supportive, and her friends were great, but Mavis didn't want them to still think she was dealing with it. She didn't want them to worry, so she had stopped bringing it up, and she had gotten pretty good at pretending. Something about Jae made her drop the act, though, even for just a little while, and it was like a little escape. "Only when it storms though, but I'm not sure if it's real or if I'm just mental," Mavis had, in her endless research, read about the psychological effects of trauma and had half convinced herself the ache she felt when it stormed was just all in her head.

"I do have a pretty wicked scar though, check this out," The witch barely thought twice before she pulled the collar of her sweater down far enough for him to get a good look at her collarbone and upper chest. A six-inch scar crossed over the bone, raised and purple, where the mediwitch had to perform some extra magic just to put the bone back inside the skin. It was gnarly, but she had grown to love it as it made her some tough witch when really it was just further proof that she was broken.

He felt her questioning gaze and he hoped his excuse would be a good enough explanation. She somehow didn't question him too much and he breathed a silent sigh of relief. He was a little surprised that he was that lucky. He considered himself cursed for a reason. Things didn't usually go in his favor, ever.

Jae noticed her darting gaze and he took the opportunity to observe her since she wasn't looking at him. Again, he didn't quite believe her, but it wasn't a complete lie. If he had to guess, he would say it hurt more than just 'sometimes' but he was still reeling a little from this moment of truce. She was unguarded and it made him want to do the same even though that was something he wasn't sure he was capable of. "I've heard of that before," he told her, trying to give a little comfort that she wasn't alone in the symptoms. "Have you talked to Pomfrey about it? She might be able to give you a potion to help with it. I read about a potion that passed through lots of testing that they've been using at Mungo's. I'll try to find the name for you," he offered. His last reading jag had been about the latest medical advancements and he wasn't sure what had set that off, but he had scoured the bookshelves and the latest collection of mediwizard journals that were in the library for anything on the topic.

The mention of her scar had him glancing over at her, curious, but when she pulled down her sweater, his face turned a bit red and while he did glance at the scar, it was much too big and too dark for her olive skin, Jae glanced away quickly and coughed a little. "Yeah, wicked," he agreed as he pulled at the grass under his hands. He leaned back so he was laying flat on the pitch and brought his hands under his head, his eyes on the gray overcast sky above, his sweater and tshirt rising a little as he stretched his arms overhead. "I don't think the pitch has ever been this quiet," he observed, eager to change the topic for some reason he didn't know.

Sitting with him in the soft grass felt healing in some way. Before he'd joined her, Mavis couldn't even bring herself to walk into the pitch without remembering, and now she was sitting here like it was any other patch of grass. It wasn't perfect, but it was certainly an improvement. "Really?" Mavis asked him, wondering how he had learned so much about some potion for something he didn't have, but then she remembered this was Jae, and he was the only person she knew with a bigger appetite for knowledge than herself. It wasn't enjoyable, especially considering he hadn't grown up in this world yet always seemed to know the answers she didn't in class. They were being nice, so she didn't call him a nerd, but she certainly considered it. "Yeah, that would be cool," She said, smiling a little for the first time today.

Showing him her scar Mavis hadn't realized how far she pulled down her sweater until he was looking away, and she returned his blush. Whoops. In some ways, she felt like she could return to their old friendship, showing off scraped knees and new scars, but it all felt new in others. They were teenagers now, and everything felt like it carried so much more weight than before. Sometimes she missed being a kid; it was easier then.

Absently Mavis ran her hand over the freshly cut grass, and it tickled her palm. "Yeah, it's kind of weird," She laughed before leaning back and lying next to him on the pitch. Staring up at the sky, Mavis had nearly forgotten where they were and the things she couldn't do anymore. "Jae," she started; her mouth felt dry as she turned her head to look him. "Do you think it's silly for me to be afraid to fly? I mean, it's not like I died or something," Mavis had been beating herself up about her fears for way too long now. She had convinced herself they weren't valid, that she should get over it, but it did nothing to help.

He nodded at her question, making a mental note to remember to give her the mediwizard journal he had read about it in. Maybe it would help her. He silently hoped it would. Maybe he should make sure Pomfrey read it too just in case Mavis actually did ask her about it. He wasn't sure if she was keeping up on the latest advancements. Given the head cold that was going around, he would be surprised if she had the time to do so. With his luck, he was expecting to end up in there any day now. Her smile caught him a little off guard though. It felt so familiar but such a rarity recently. Well at least when she smiled at him. She was always smiling and laughing and being loud with Magnolia and Josie and the thought made him sour.

The sound of her soft laugh made the corners of his lips twist up and he wasn't quite sure what to say next. They were in a weird sort of truce moment. They weren't bickering or lying or competing or anything. They just were. And he had missed that a little so he didn't want to do anything that might mess up that moment so silence was his friend.

His name on her lips and more the way she said it had him turning his head to look at her, his eyes seeking. He heard the hesitation there, but he was patient. He knew she wasn't someone you could push to get answers from. Her question surprised him though and he couldn't quite hide how his brows flew up. Jae wasn't sure if he was surprised that she was confiding in him or that she really did seem to be fearful of taking to the sky. He turned his gaze back to the sky, feeling it was too close to keep looking at her while she was being this open. It wasn't something he was used to.

He took his time answering though, his words careful, thoughtful. "You could have died though. It's perfectly normal to have fear in the place where something like that happened," he told her matter-of-factly, recalling some of the information he's read about serious injuries and the stress in the aftermath. There were other less guarded thoughts circling in his mind but he didn't have it in him to put them to words. Jae turned his head slowly to glance back at her. "Is that why you quit the team?" he asked her instead.

"Yeah, I suppose you are right," Mavis said thoughtfully, understanding that it was okay to feel afraid, even if she hated the feeling. "But I didn't say that," Mavis would never, ever, tell Jae that he was right. It was like against her religion or something; it always had been; it was part of why they fought so often, but they weren't fighting right now, and that was nice. The girl had known she needed to talk about her fears for a little while now. But knowing it and doing it were two very different things. In a way, it fit that she finally opened up to Jae versus one of her girlfriends, Jae was trusted, but he wasn't inner circle anymore. And if he made fun of her, she could just leave and not talk to him again.

She hadn't noticed how close she was to him until he was meeting her eyes, and in a way, she felt a little strange about it. They used to lay like this for hours. Watching the stars or the clouds, talking about whatever was on their minds, and it made her feel happy to be doing it again. Well, mostly. "Don't say it like that," She whined, "Like I left because I don't like Quidditch anymore or because I wasn't good enough for the team," Even laying on the ground, Mavis managed to give him a frown and fold her arms defensively over her chest. "But I wasn't doing anyone any good. Can't play if you can't fly, right?" Mavis hated that she had resigned from the team. She worked so hard to get onto the team only to quit; it was heartbreaking.

"But whatever, I'm like really busy with studying and stuff this year anyway, so it's fine." She lied; she was lying to him, her family, her friends, but most of all, to herself. Mavis missed playing Quidditch and the freedom of flying. She wanted it back.