All I really want is something beautiful to say [Aleksei]

Things had been tense with Aleksei since Nikon came back from London, and Niko didn’t really know why. He had gotten in trouble with his mother, big trouble, but things had mostly been resolved, yet Alek was being a little icy towards him and Nikon didn’t fully understand it. It was as though he had made his brother mad somehow, and Niko didn’t know what he had done this time that he hadn’t done a hundred times before.  
 
He never told anyone where he was going or what he was doing. He knew Aleksei knew he sometimes wasn’t the safest—a seventeen-year-oldout alone in the city alone, drunk, and with strange older people he had met that night probably wasn’t the safest thing to do—but this was different. He knew Jimin. He didn’t know London, of course, and had never travelled quite so far from home, but this was infinitely safer than some things he had done before…. And how would Aleksei know about NYE anyway? It wasn’t as though his mother and father ever spoke anymore. He never heard a word from his father, rarely as much as a birthday card, and he knew the other didn’t care about him. 
 
This bothered him a little bit, though he never really let on. He had so-called “daddy issues.” He had always wanted his father to love him the way he loved Aleksei, but supposed Alek felt the same way about their mother, who Niko sincerely wished would give Aleksei his own share of the attention (and, in the process, leave him alone). Even so, he never really spoke about this, not to Leks or to anyone. Despite his hang-ups with his father, Nikon really valued his brother’s love and support. He tried to be a good brother in return, always supporting Aleksei in anything he tried to accomplish and being his big brother’s biggest fan. He knew, even though their sports were different, Aleksei supported him too. 
 
He finally found him in the library and slid into the seat across from him. He looked at him for a moment, Aleksei not seeming to notice him (or maybe just ignoring him?). “Hey Leks.” He started, until the other had no choice but the notice him there. Only Nikon called him Leks. “What’s up? It’s been a month and we’ve barely spent any time together. I miss you. Did I do something wrong? What did I do? You’re avoiding me.” 
 
@Aleksei Zima 

 Fact was that Alek really was avoiding Nikon. Avoiding in the sense that he was giving his brother the cold shoulder because he was beyond irritated. You’d never tell behind his facade, of course, but his brother was bound to notice. Which was why a sigh eventually escaped his lips when Nik kept talking. He pursed his lips and kept silent, focusing on the words written on the page and trying to ignore his brothers high spirited babble. Ordinarily he’d be amused and fond but right now he was trying not to snap.

His blue eyes flickered over to his twin momentarily, a silent acknowledgement of his presence, before they flickered away and back towards the page. He loved his brother, truly, but he was beyond reckless and this time really made the other times look like very minor infractions in comparison.

Only, well, he’d sounded sad when he asked if he’d done something and it made something squirm in his chest. Nik was ... a lot more sensitive to things than he was and he felt vaguely guilty about shutting him out. Alek could be cold and unfeeling toward a lot of people but his twin had never been one of those.

He frowned, slouching onto the table and giving up on the pretense of reading. His gaze shifted towards his brother again, studying the same familiar features, before focusing on eyes identical to his. It was like looking at a mirror - the edges familiar and safe. “Where were you, during break?” he asked quietly, frown still marring his features.

“Out.” Nikon shrugged. “Does it really matter?” He wondered, looking at him with a slight frown. Why would Aleksei care where he was during break? “I went to the Artistic Flying Gala with everyone else, then went out afterwards by myself. I thought I would get another tattoo but I never got around to doing it.” He admitted.  He was excluding the details that Aleksei probably wanted the most, but it really wasn’t anyone’s business where he went or what he did. This was the same answer he had given their mother. 

“Did you even notice? You were with dad.” He said, a little defensively. Sometimes the boys visited over break, but they had been apart long-enough now that break times were typically breaks not just for themselves, but from each other. Nikon hadn’t seen his father in years, nor Aleksei their mother. While Niko knew for a fact that Aleksei wished he had their mother’s love, Niko was pretty convinced that his mother loved Aleksei just as much as she loved Nikon, but, especially now, it hurt her too much to express it. Vlaisy, on the other hand, probably only cared that Aleksei was his firstborn, or at least that made Niko feel better to think. Aleksei was great, smart, strong, and talented—but he wasn’t better than Niko, and Niko didn’t feel challenged by him. They competed against other people, not one-another. That was part of what made them work still. They might hate each other if they shared too many interests. 

Does it really matter?

How could it not? The wizards fingers clenched tightly along his eagle quill for a second, willing his anger to remain trapped in its ephemeral bubble, as he let out a slow exhale. It was always like this, despite always wanting for things to be different. Aleksei would always withdraw, draining his emotions into a dark sieve in his mind, until the time came to process those feelings. Later, always later. He twisted his head away, a clear dismissal, as his jaw worked against the words that wanted to tumble from his lips. The accusation stung, but it was like someone scrapping against a wound that had long since scabbed over.

Familiar and only vaguely painful. What could he say? That at least there had been a time where Nik had been able to have both their parents? That he couldn't remember a time where his mother had remembered she had another son? It was unfair, almost, that Nik had all these negative feelings for the one parent Alek could love. The one person besides Nik that he could depend on. It made him angry that Nik had inadvertently drawn the line. It wasn't that he wasn't sympathetic, either. He knew his father should make the effort for Nik but he also couldn't shake of the feeling, selfish as it was, that it was nice that his father seemed to prefer him. His father was a stoic man, not prone to sharing his warmth, but he knew the man loved both his sons, even if he wasn't very good at showing that to his youngest.

Really despite how different the twins were in Alek's mind they were also the same. "You know what I'm asking you." he finally said, voice quiet and shoulders tense.

Nikon had never reacted well to confrontation.

Twin or not, Nikon was rarely compared to his brother by anyone, professors, his parents, and his friends alike. The reason for this was that they were so different in nearly every regard. Aleksei was the perfect son—a perfectionist, studious, quiet, calm, and even-tempered. Even now, when Nikon knew he was fuming, Aleksei didn’t raise his voice, didn’t growl or pull a face. He quietly and calmly explained what Nikon already knew: he wanted to know the specific truth, and he knew that Nikon knew that he wanted to know, too. In complete contrast to this, Nikon was quick to anger, quick to lash out, scream, cry, and otherwise be emotional. Had he wanted to know this from Aleksei, the scene would have been different. Of course, they were in the library, and he didn’t want to get them both kicked out. 
 
Nikon sighed, frustratedly. Wasn’t he allowed to have any secrets? Why did everyone feel entitled to know? Why did Aleksei feel entitled to know, as if he cared, as if it affected him in any way whatsoever? He wanted to ask this, but he could sell from his brother’s body language—though not his tone—that he was absolutely livid about it for some reason. “I was in London.” He explained, averting his eyes from his brother’s judgmental gaze. “I stayed with my pen-pal friend, who I’ve been talking to for a few years. We wanted some…” He hesitated. “Time alone.” He managed, finally, alluding. “We went to this punk-rock band concert at a club in wizarding London. I got drunk. We stayed in bed the next two days or so, and then I came home.” Was that enough detail? Did he wanna know the size of the guy’s cock? In fact— 
 
No, he stopped himself from asking if Aleksei wanted to know that. He wasn’t trying to insult him, just frustrated. He wanted to keep a secret, just one, just this one time. He told Aleksei everything—probably more than the other ever wanted to know about his brother, honestly. This, especially Jimin, he wanted to keep to himself. 
 
He sighed again. “I don’t see what the big deal about it is. I wanted to get away, go see my friend, have a good New Year’s Eve.” He sighed. “I was safe, he was with me the whole time and I knew he wasn’t some creepy old man, because he surprised me in Döttrar Vik in like September sometime and he’s totally cool. A little older, maybe… twenty? Twenty-one? Something like that.” He groaned a little. “Obviously I didn’t want to tell mom where I was, so that’s why she got so mad at me, but I don’t see why it matters to you. Is this really why you’re avoiding me? You’re mad that I went out and was safe and had a good time—what, without you?” 
 
A low blow, really, especially considering the boys didn’t go out nearly enough. Aleksei rarely got to do anything “fun,” and Nikon knew. Aleksei would never have been so reckless as to travel, alone, to some far-away country just for a party. Reckless? No, adventurous. He liked things safe and calm and quiet and boring. 

It was, somehow, worse to hear confirmation from Nik. He could feel his ire rising like a tidal wave inextricably linked to residual worry. He'd feel bad about keeping the things he already knew from Nik but, realistically, it was the only way to see if he were being truthful. Part of him had hoped that he'd say something different just as another part dreaded and hoped that he would've lied to him. With each admission the Drakonya Krov held himself tighter and tighter, willing himself not to react. There were few things that set him off visibly and of all of them Nik's safety was always paramount. That he'd be so reckless and inconsiderate made him beyond angry.

It was like carrying a tight ball of anxiety, fear, and anger. It expanded within him the more words Nik uttered. His gaze flickered finally back towards his twin, gaze piercing, as he shot his brother a quelling look. He could care less what cock his brother fondeled, to be quite honest, so long as the wizard attached wasn't a complete fucking stranger off the street. From off the street and another country, even. At the implication that he was somehow jealous the floodgates opened. The fine eagle quill in his hand snapped, his nostrils flaring, as he held tight control over himself. The sound of wood scraping loudly against stone was the only sound as he stood up abruptly, shoving his belongings and the remnants of his quill haphazardly into his bag, as he strode out of the library heedless of his brothers reaction. He did manage a few words in parting, however, garbled and low as they were. "That's the problem with you. You don't see past anything else but the things you want." It was utterly selfish but that was Nik's way.

It didn't ordinarily bother him except for the times when he didn't bother to think that his family would be worried. About how anyone else would feel if they got news that Nik was found in a gutter of some foreign country. Alone and forgotten except for the people that loved him.

It had scared him and then subsequently infuriated him. And so he walked. He was heedless of the direction just knowing he needed to put some space between them before he said something he couldn't take back. There was already so much regret and bitterness between them and he refused to add more because he'd been provoked. It had been easier for Nik to goad him into explosive reactions when they were younger but as they grew and Alek gained better control of himself the outbursts were rare. He'd always been quiet, even in the face of anger or pain. It was difficult to give voice to his thoughts and his emotions, like someone clamped down his throat and sealed his voice in. He'd long since learnt not to get frustrated by his inability to express himself.

He had quidditch and dueling for that exact purpose.

Nikon could tell Aleksei was angry. He knew that going in, but the severity of the other’s anger had not fully registered until he saw the quill break. He had been holding it so tightly, it broke. He was holding in a tidal wave of anger—a tsunami. As he stood and gathered his things, Niko’s brow furrowed. He was leaving? Now, of all times? Before they had talked it out?

Niko followed his brother, closely, out of the library and into the hallway. He was thinking of what Aleksei had sad, that Niko didn’t think past what he wanted. It wasn’t an inaccurate statement, really. He was always himself, always vocal, always saying exactly what he meant and doing whatever he chose. He had some discipline, especially in the arena, but outside of his art he was a wild child, and he wouldn’t be anything but himself. Why was this wrong? Just because Aleksei always hid himself, and dened himself anything he wanted, that didn’t mean Nikon should. Did it? Maybe he really was jealous? Or maybe there was something there that Nikon didn’t quite understand yet.

“Don’t walk away from me, Aleksei!” Nikon cried out, louder than he meant to, as Aleksei left the library. “Turn around and talk to me. What did I do? Why are you pissed?” He demanded. He put his hands out, trying to shove his brother against the wall. From all his practice, his flying and weight training, he was rather strong for someone as thin as he was. Of course, Aleksei was likely stronger. He could easily overpower Nikon should he choose to let the beast go.

“Tell me!” He was close to crying and it was obvious in his voice, in his eyes. “I hate when you’re mad. You’re supposed to be the one always here for me, and you know you can trust me with your feelings. I’ve never held anything against you, not anything you’ve told me. Only the things you keep held in.”

The tall wizard visibly flinched, faltering for a second, before coming to a stop at his brothers words. If there was one thing he couldn't stand, it was his brother in tears. The conflict inside him was fierce in a way he couldn't rightly describe, not even to himself. He ran a hand through his face before his fingers brushed over his hair. He hated feeling guilty about feeling the way he did, especially when he knew Niko was being reckless and inconsiderate. Still.

That didn't absolve him from making his brother feel badly, in turn. He took a deep breath, turning around slowly, as a frown marred his face. "You could have been hurt." he said softly, biting his lip. "No one knew where you were and you were gone for days. If something would have happened we wouldn't have known where to look or who you'd been with." no one to seek retribution from, where in the world would they even start looking? "You don't realize what that did to us, to me. The not knowing was..." excruciating. The only reason his thoughts were even able to be articulated was because his care for his brother was stronger than his anger at him.

"IT has nothing to do with freedom or the other nonsense you were talking about before." he added, lips thinning in irritation again. "I am always there for you. Which is why this was so terrible for me. Imagine, if I would have done the same to you?" he pleaded, blue eyes burning, as he willed his brother to understand.

Nikon blinked after a moment, thinking over his brother’s words and trying to make sense of them. He was worried? About him? He never even saw him over break—why would he worry? He supposed his mother was frantic (and if he was honest with himself, that was part of the allure), but he hadn’t expected it to get all the way to Aleksei, or for his brother to worry about him. He supposed, if he was, again, honest, he had technically been a missing person for a few days. No one had seen him. He wasn’t even in the country. He supposed, if he squinted, he could see the other’s side. Or maybe more than he wanted to admit. 

“I’m sorry.” He said, finally, after a long, pregnant pause. “I honestly didn‘t even think you’d find out. I didn’t think she would go to dad and that dad would go to you. I thought she might flip out a little, she loves controlling me, but I thought she would just wait for me to come back. It’s not rare for me to be out overnight… though, I’m sure you have an issue with that, too.” He tried not to sound bitter. 

“But, still…. I’m sorry I worried you. Next time….” Would there be a next time? Probably. “I’ll… clue you in before I travel to another country. It wasn’t exactly spontaneous. I had planned it for months. I just…” He hesitated, this next thing ringing too true to him. “I just didn’t think you’d approve, and I didn’t want you to be disappointed in me.” He admitted. “It’s just… you know. You’re my big brother, even if we are only minutes apart. Your approval matters to me, you know? Your support, too. And your communication. I guess this time, I just didn’t communicate like I should have.” 

“Promise you won’t tell mom? This time or next time? I’ll tell you. I’ll even write if you want.” He sighed.

“London was…. You have no idea. It was freeing. Amazing. I think I’d like to move there, just to be able to be myself without having to hide all the time. You… don’t understand. You like girls more than I do. You don’t have to pretend here, but I do. There…. I don’t have to. And it was nice. But…” He sighed. 

“Nothing is worth hurting you and making you angry at me. You’re my best friend, you know? We aren’t always on the same wavelength but you mean more to me than anyone, and I’m your biggest fan and I know you’re mine. So, in a roundabout way, rambling and stupid and whatever, I’m really sorry I hurt you.” 

The apology did much to soothe his growing ire. It didn't stamp it our completely, though. Especially towards the beginning of his explanation. He took a deep breath, centering himself, before he spoke. "Don't you see that makes it worse and not better?" he said quietly, running a hand through his blond hair in risidual frustration. "What it something had happened. I wouldn't even know, you'd just have been gone." the thought had tortured him, the not knowing. "I'm not our mother." he wasn't their father either, went unsaid, but hung silently between them too. "I'd prefer it if you were safe." he admitted, sighing. He didn't feel strongly about Niko going out overnight so long as he was safe about it. Going out for multiple days in a foreign country without telling anyone was what he had issues with.

As the rest of his brothers words made it through his brain, however, he softened considerably. "I'm not our parents." he repeated, firmly. "You keeping things from me hurts me, but its not because I want to control you or make you do things the way I think they should be done. I love you, I just wish you were safer about things most of the time. Maybe thought things through a bit more, for my own sake, if not yours." he said, with a rueful sort of smile. "I promise." he'd never been tempted to tell their mother anything, even when she'd pretended to care about his thoughts and desires. He certainly didn't care to now. "Move there?" he asked curiously, tilting his head consideringly, as he studied his brother. There was a thought he hadn't considered before when he'd thought of his own future. "Im sorry you have to hide." he said softly. No matter how much he wished for things to be different he knew enough that his brothers preferences were generally not viewed with the kindest of eyes. He wasn't sure he believed London was that different, at least in this way.

"Thank you for apologizing." he managed, feeling vaguely embarrassed, but pleased too. "You're alright, just let me know your plans next time will you? It was...painful, not knowing." he added, biting his lip. "So... London?" he asked again, eyes burning with curiosity. "What about artistic flying?" he added, wondering how it would all fit together.

London, yes. He had been considering this carefully, how he might keep on with the artistic flying and also live in a place other than Russia. He, admittedly, had not talked to Jimin about this—but what if he rented his empty room from him, at least part time, and spent the rest of his time doing artistic flying in Rybinsk? He would need two flats, most likely, but if he had roommates in both they would be fine—right? He was daydreaming that he and Rodion would share a flat in Rybinsk, he and Jimin a flat in London, and he would go between the two, content and happy (and with boyfriends on both sides of the globe). He needed something other than just flying to fall back on, too. He needed a real career. He was fantastic ant alchemy. It was his bet subject, and for this reason he was considering potioneering as a profession, outside of flying. He would have to go slow on the uptake, perhaps staying a bronze much longer than he would like, but he could handle it. 
 
“Of course I wouldn’t give up flying.” He laughed lightly. “I’ve got it in my head that I can live in both places, get two roommates, and… just travel between the two every week or every few days. When I’m not competing, I was thinking about doing something with potions, and I know there are some really great apothecaries in London I could study at. I’ve been hearing rumors of a Nimue potioneer in London who takes apprentices, maybe… I could work under him?” He shrugged. 
 
“What are your plans after school?” He wondered. “You won the school’s dueling tournament, which was amazing, so you would be a shoe in to the National Dueling Team, should you want it. You should talk to Professor Hristofis about it, I heard he was on the Greek National Dueling Team back in the day, yeah? Or are you more interested in quidditch, like Lev?” He wondered, referring to their cousin who was, as far as Nikon knew, still a beater for the Moscow Metalmen. 
 
“Or… the dragon thing?” He wondered. Nikon loves dragons too, but didn’t have the passion to go into it as a career. He did, however, have a very large dragon tattoo over his ribcage. He played with his tongue piercing, a little nervous. Their argument had dissolved into small talk, but he felt almost like this was necessary catharsis. They needed a moment to just chat about the future, without the drama. “You’d be good at whatever you choose, you know, and you could choose more than one. You could always study dragons and stuff after you’ve retired from dueling with your giant bags of winnings.” He grinned, tongue-in-cheek. 

Aleksei resisted the urge to wince, knowing Niko was bound to take offense. It annoyed him, though, that his brother was so careless about his future. He supposed he should be glad he'd at least thought of things instead of just ...leaving everything to chance. "You seem determined about London." he murmured, sighing a little, and pondering his own plans. What did he want to do? The thought of staying here seemed unappealing to the extreme. Nothing drew his interest here and he figured thats what he wanted to focus on. Finding that spark that would enable him enjoy something truly.

"I'm not sure myself." he murmured, leaning back. Dueling sounded nice, but part of his mind was stressed out about it. He knew his father tended to be stifling with it and the freedom of Quidditch was... appealing. "I've been thinking of getting more details on both, see where my heart leads me, at least in this." he quipped, a small smile peaking its way past his lips. He knew, of course, that it was a less logical decision than what was his wont but... truly he'd already looked at it from a logical angle and were both good options. Now it just really depended on what called to him the most.

"Dragons." he said with a bit of a laugh. It seemed a more complicated choice. "Not sure. That's a lot more complicated, I think." he added, contemplating. "Its nice to have choices, though, its made me rather complacent. We still have a bit of time to decide I just ask you keep me informed, at the very least." he added softly. He just didn't want to be left behind, that was all.