[May 04] Продавец кошмаров (Valera)

22nd May 2004

It was such a busy time for Aglaya. She felt that, somehow, this season was more stressful than past seasons. She was still catching up on training, needed to build up more stamina again to get through competitions easily. Her schedule was packed with artistic flying and public events. She felt exhausted most of the time and had very little time to rest and recover. The events were particularly stressful for her. She didn’t want to go out in public where her stalker could possibly be and it was hardly pleasant to have a bodyguard or two accompanying her all the time. She didn’t feel free, didn’t feel like she could make her own decisions. Her family had always chosen her path for her and right now she barely had an hour per day where she could choose to do what she wanted without anyone interfering.

In the past week Aglaya had been particularly busy. First she had been to a gala in Madrid where she had been crowned Sportswitch of the Year. Then there had been a photo shooting the day after the ceremony and only days after that the newest issue of Which Broomstick? had been released with a large photo of her on its cover.

It was hardly the first time that Aglaya made a magazine cover. In the past she had felt odd, looking at her picture on posters or in magazines but had got used to it to some degree; had sometimes even been a little proud to be so well known. While there was nothing wrong with the photo on the cover or with those that were shown in the actual magazine - they actually looked better than Aglaya had expected -, she couldn’t help but feel uneasy when she held her copy of Which Broomstick? in her hands. She had a strange feeling of foreboding when she flipped through the pages of the magazine.

While many family members had congratulated her after she came home as Sportswitch of the Year, the two people who seemed most delighted were her grandfather Andrey and her great aunt and coach Aleksandra. They were actually even content with the speech she had given at the ceremony although they pointed out that she should have mentioned their names. The award seemed to be of far more importance to them than to her.

Training with Aleksandra was surprisingly pleasant this week. Aglaya’s great aunt was quite lenient and didn’t yell at her as often as she usually did towards the end of the practice when Aglaya was getting tired and making more mistakes. In fact, the elderly woman even offered a smile at the end of the training session and gave her a box filled with fan mail, saying that Aglaya deserved all the compliments and should enjoy reading the letters.

Aglaya stared at the box, a cold shudder running down her spine. She could not remember when she had last had any positive feelings when dealing with fan mail. There was always the fear that a letter from her stalker might be somewhere between the nice and harmless fan letters. She didn’t say anything to Aleksandra, though, and just took the box home.

Once she arrived home, she took a quick shower, got into comfy clothes and sat down cross legged on her sofa in her living room where she finally opened the box. With trembling fingers she went through the pile until she found a letter with the familiar handwriting. Her heart was racing and she felt nauseous but there was no way she could ignore the letter. She had to read it, she had to know what was written in it.

Aglayechka,

I knew you would become Sportswoman of the Year, it was written in the stars just as our love is predestined. I am incredibly proud of you, my darling.

You look so alluring on that cover, my love, and I will always keep a copy of it with me until you are finally mine. It won’t be long until I’m going to reach my goal. Trust me, I’m getting closer and you won’t be able to ignore me any longer.

Oh Aglayechka, when will you accept that we are destined to be together? No one else can ever love you the way I do. How far do you think you can stretch my patience?

Your mother thinks she can identify me but, just like you, she doesn't understand that we're destined to be together. No detective will find me, no bodyguard can keep you away from me.

I love you so desperately, your life is in my hands and you cannot escape our destiny, no matter how hard you try to pretend otherwise. It's me who decides whether you live or die, my dear, remember that. You are in my power even if you still cannot accept it. Soon the day will come when you’ll requite my love.

You are forever mine.

Her face had turned white as she finished reading and she realised that she had been holding her breath for a while. Panting a little, Aglaya tried to calm down; tried to tell herself that this was just a piece of parchment. It could do no harm. She was safe here and now. However, her heart was beating frantically, it felt as though it would jump out of her chest any moment. Her fingers were sweaty and mouth felt dry. While she had always tried to deal with these things alone, she wasn’t sure if she could do that anymore. She felt drained and weak.

She was sure how long she had been sitting there, feeling unable to snap out of her state of shock. It might have been a minute or two or an entire hour. She really couldn’t tell. However, suddenly she heard the familiar voice of Valera cut into the silence, saying the code phrase that they had agreed on for those times that her relative would come for an unexpected visit. Aglaya quickly dropped the letter into the box and closed it. Then she cleared her throat. “I’m in the living room,” she said, trying to make her voice sound steady but still sounding a little shriller than usual.

@Valera Tikhomirova

Of course Aglaya had won Sportswitch of the year. Valera had never doubted her for a moment, and felt as proud as if it had been vir own child who had lifted the award. It had been several days since the gala event and ve had not had a chance to speak with vir niece since then, not that it was really possible to speak with cameras pointing in everyone's faces and reporters shouting out inane questions. Even though ve had been off the competitive circuit for decades and it was no secret why, there were still a couple of reporters - ve thought one of them might have been Italian from the accent - who had demanded to know whether Valera would still have been flying had ve not suffered the accident.

The moron had also misgendered vir three times, persisting in calling vir Miss. So after ve had answered his question in a barely tolerant voice (managing not to ask "how the **** should I know?" in response) ve had felt no guilt whatsoever in quietly charming his glass so it mysteriously emptied every time he tried to drink for the rest of the evening. Let him try yelling out questions with a dry throat!

The question had made vir think, though. Valera had never envied vir younger relatives, and really had no desire for the level of fame they had to deal with, Aglaya in particular. The poor girl had been expected to be so perfect for so long it was surprising she hadn't had some kind of breakdown. And the events of recent months, which thankfully had been kept mostly out of the press, would be enough to tip anyone over the edge.

Vir niece was at least partially recovered from the horrific poisoning and it's aftermath, but Valera still felt protective. Today ve had made some savoury blinis - with low calorie, high protein ingredients, naturally. Now ve approached the young woman's door, dropping the wards that were specifically attuned to family members and those very few people who were trusted, opening the door and recasting so that nobody would hear vir voice before calling out the prearranged code phrase. Each family member had a different one so Aglaya would know who was calling.

As ve entered the living room vir niece was seated on the sofa. At first glance she looked quite normal, comfortably sitting wth a package of some kind in her lap. As Valera approached though, it was clear from the young woman's stiff stance and wide eyes that all was not well.

"I brought blinis" ve said, putting the plate down on the table then crossing to sit beside her "What's happened, Aglayka?"

Truth be told, Aglaya wasn’t sure if she was relieved to see Valera or not. She wasn’t sure if she wanted to be alone or have company; if she wanted to talk about the letter or not. She didn’t even know what to think. The only thing that she knew was that she was terrified and felt ashamed, even guilty in a way that she had received such a letter again.

Valera said that ve brought blinis and Aglaya stared at the plate for a moment. She wasn’t hungry; didn’t have any appetite. However, her relative always brought tasty things. Valera’s blinis were great, some of the best Aglaya had ever eaten. Right now, however, she really didn’t care about them at all.

As Valera sat down next to her and asked what had happened, Aglaya shook her head, not daring to make eye contact. She couldn’t talk about it, could she? She felt somehow dirty, unworthy of vir attention because of the letter she had received, because she had somehow attracted this creepy stalker.

“I…” she started but couldn’t bring herself to finish the sentence. ’I received another letter from my stalker’. She chewed on her lip as she shook her head again. She couldn’t talk about it. It was too shameful.

Yet, she felt that she also couldn’t deal with it all alone. She couldn’t talk to her mother, though. Alyona didn’t seem to be able to handle this and Aglaya was worried what kind of extreme ideas her mother would come up with if she showed her the letter. It might be better to talk to Valera. She trusted vir. Ve had always been supportive.

“He…” she began and sighed. ’He sent me another letter.’ Why couldn’t she say these sentences aloud? She felt how her eyes were watering but she didn’t want to cry, not in front of Valera, not in front of anyone. She had always been strong. Why couldn’t she be as strong anymore?

She cleared her throat, but there was no sentence that she felt able to voice. Instead she lifted the lid of the box and, with trembling fingers, reached for the letter. She didn’t dare to look at Valera but held the letter in her hand, not quite offering it to vir but if Valera chose to take it, she would not tighten her grip but let it go.

It was difficult to know whether something new had happened or whether vir niece was simply having a bad day. Valera knew better than to ask outright; bombarding the girl with questions would only cause further stress. Instead, ve allowed Aglaya time to glance across at the plate and compose herself, but that was long enough to read the young woman's body language.

Something new had occurred, ve was certain of it. The stiff posture, the refusal to even look in vir direction weren't the result of a poor night's sleep or bad dreams. There was something more, something so terrible Aglaya couldn't even speak of it, it seemed. So ve waited, feeling uncomfortable and faintly useless but also determined to do anything ve could to help. Not that ve could do - or say - much at all unless the champion could bring herself to talk about what was upsetting her. Single words, that was all she could apparently manage, though the second one grasped Valera's heart with a sudden chill.

He... could only mean the stalker, the one they had so far managed to keep secret from the press, had somehow managed to make contact. Valera desperately wanted to throw vir arms around the girl and hug her, especially as she was on the verge of crying, her eyes damp but somehow just holding herself together. No wonder she couldn't speak. Valera could remember that feeling from vir teens, the knowledge that you could keep emotions tucked away just so long as you didn't have to speak, because then your voice would crack and everything would somehow escape and everyone would know what was wrong. 

This wasn't about failing a difficult move or having a bad practise, though. There was no shame in being afraid in this situation, and ve couldn't understand why Aglaya herself didn't see that. But how to voice that thought aloud? Ve was contemplating how to proceed when Aglaya opened the box she was clutching and removed a sheet of parchment. Valera expected to be offered it but instead the girl just sat there, holding it, not even looking in vir direction. Alright, so she'd abdicated responsibility, it seemed, leaving it up to Valera whether she took the letter.

Ve didn't hesitate more than a couple of seconds, but leaned across and gently eased it out of fingers that were stone cold and trembling. It didn't take much longer to read the contents, vir anger growing with each sentence.

"B.....d!" ve snarled, too furious to manage anything more coherent than that "None of this is true, you know that don't you? This rubbish about destiny and whatever else he's talking about is ridiculous" Valera felt instinctively that the stalker was male, though at that moment didn't give a damn if ve'd misgendered them either way. That was nothing compared to what ve'd do given vir wand and two minutes alone in a room with the stalker. The way ve felt just then, ve wouldn't even need vir wand. That wasn't going to help Aglaya, though.

"He got to you once, and that was luck rather than anything else" ve said, managing to keep vir tone reasonable and feeling a sense of deja-vu as ve spoke. Had ve already repeated these words - to Alyona, perhaps? Ve couldn't remember. "It must be terrifying to receive such a letter, but there's no way he can get near you, not now we're all on our guard" Valera wasn't even sure if that was true, but felt ve had to say something - anything - to try and comfort vir niece. Ve dropped the letter on the floor with the contempt it deserved and shifted closer on the sofa to put a comforting arm around vir niece "Aglayka, if you want one of us to stay here, we can arrange that. Whatever it takes to help you feel safe again..."

Valera was patient and seemingly calm. Aglaya appreciated it but it didn’t help her to talk about the letter. She felt that every muscle in her body was tense now, she needed all her energy to compose herself and keep herself from bursting into tears. She could tell that she might not be able to succeed for very long, though. The tension just seemed to build up more and more.

A stifled sob escaped her when Valera took the letter from her and she lowered her gaze even more. She felt so small and weak now. She was trembling with coldness and fear and the worst thing about this all was that she saw no way out of this. Nothing would ever improve. She felt like a puppet with now control over her life.

Her stalker had power over her. Even if he wasn’t right there now, he still controlled her feelings. His letter was enough to freak her out. She didn’t think that she could ever live freely again as long as she knew him to be out there somewhere. And if he was right, saying that he was getting closer, then everything was only going to get even worse than it already was.

She was shaking now and it was hard to keep breathing. Why? Why her? What had she done to deserve this? She wanted to get away but she couldn’t move. It wouldn’t help anyway. Here, at home, she was quite safe. If she tried to run away from these horrors, she’d just put herself in more danger. Valera’s reaction made Aglaya flinch. She glanced sideways for an instant before turning her gaze back down on the box in her lap. Was none of it true? Did she know it? She didn’t feel like she knew anything anymore. There was only fear, despair and confusion.

She shook her head slightly. “I…” she took a deep shaky breath, there were so many thoughts in her mind but she couldn’t really make sense of any of them right now. “But what if he is… right?” she asked quietly, tears now running down her face. Quickly she wiped them away and chewed on her lips, trying to regain control over herself.

“We don’t know who he is,” she added in a whisper, “we are nowhere nearer to finding him now than we have been half a year ago.” Her voice broke off and she leaned against vir shoulder as ve put an arm around her, the box fell onto the ground fan letters dropping out of it but Aglaya barely noticed it. She wanted to say that she knew that she was safe at home. She wanted to explain how she felt but she felt she couldn’t speak another word without risking to end up sobbing uncontrollably.

Valera absolutely did NOT feel as if ve was properly equipped to be dealing with this. Ve wished there was someone else to advise vir what to say, someone professional, even a pychologist or someone who had some sort of experience with situations like this.

There wasn't of course. There was only vir, and somehow ve had to be enough. The most sensible thing ve could think of was to deal with the whole situation logically. Ve smoothed out the letter and began to read it again. "He's right that you deserved to win Sportswoman of the Year, and you looked fantastic on the magazine cover" ve said, trying to sound as matter-of-fact as possible. As for the rest - that rubbish about destiny and whatever else - that's simply one person's delusions. We make our own destiny - yes, even me. If I hadn't been flying alone that day, ignoring the safety protocols, my injuries wouldn't have been so severe. Oh, I'm not blaming myself, it wasn't anyone's fault - but I wasn't destined to be forced into early retirement either. It was just one of those things. Nobody could have foretold it, any more than some creep can foretell your future..."

It wasn't helping. Aglaya was terrified, and frankly Valera didn't blame her. Despite what ve had just said, with hindsight it was a relief that ve had flown at the inception of the sport rather than now when it was so much more popular. Sure, ve had had a few fans, but of thekind who sought photos and autographs, not the ones who wrote crazed letters and sent poisoned gifts...

"We don't, but that won't last" ve said, trying to sound convincing as the girl fought to keep from crying "Didn't Alyona say she was contacting a British detective agency? Surely they'll be able to help - and it won't be expected either. We'll find this person and if I get my hands on them..." ve trailed off. Righteous fury wasn't going to help anyone.

"He's wrong. He isn't going to get anywhere near you, and you certainly aren't destined to have to deal with this" ve said again, unsure how to continue. The practical way, ve supposed. "Aglayka, have you eaten or drunk anything today? Shall I get us some tea?" ve began to move, but sensed there was more to be said on the subject. Shutting the girl down when she seemed on the verge of speaking was wrong. Ve gestured to the box that had fallen on the floor. "This isn't the first letter he's sent you, is it?"

“Hmph,” Aglaya said as Valera said that it was true that she had deserved the Sportswoman of the Year award. That wasn’t the point. The award was meaningless now. The magazine cover, all her trophies and medals seemed like a nail to her coffin rather than anything to be happy about right now. Only because of her success she had attracted an insane person who sent her threatening letters, tried to kill her and yet spoke about fate and love at the same time.

Although she wanted to listen to what Valera said about vir own life, after all Aglaya loved and respected ve, she couldn’t really focus on vir words. Maybe they could all decide their own destiny but didn’t that also mean that her stalker could make his own destiny? And that again would affect her. These thoughts made her head spin and Aglaya sighed.

She felt that the things Valera said were more a motivational or inspirational speech than anything that was really true. Of course ve meant well and Aglaya appreciated these words a lot even though she did not believe them.

“Do you really think so?” Aglaya asked, sounding resigned. “Just think of how many months have passed since… it happened.” Valera mentioned a detective agency and Aglaya shuddered. “I wonder what else mama will come up with,” she shook her head slightly, “we had agreed to keep this a secret and now she hires people here and there. Information will leak at some point and then what? Then everybody will see me as a victim and either pity me or say that I deserve this.” Her voice was brittle and she still fought against the tears. However, she was not solely terrified and sad now, she was also frustrated and angry.

“I’m sorry,” Aglaya muttered a moment later, realising that her response to Valera’s well meant comments hadn’t exactly been appreciative. “I just…” her voice trailed off. It was hard to talk about this at all and she had often thought about what her mother or one of the other few people who knew what had happened could tell her to comfort her - there was nothing, nothing that would make this ordeal any less painful.

She stared at Valera as ve asked if she had eaten and she nodded, “I had breakfast before I went to morning practice.” It had only been a light meal but she wasn’t hungry now and most certainly had no appetite for anything. She had just been thinking about Valera’s offer to make tea when her relative came up with another question.

All colour was drained from her face as she heard the words, her mouth felt dry and she knew that her voice would be trembling if she’d speak now. She shook her head a little and then croaked, “no, it isn’t.”

Valera wanted to say that everything would be fine, that they would uncover the identity of the stalker soon and he (ve felt sure this person was male though it was no more than instinct) would be taken into custody by the Ministry, but they were just empty words. Ve wouldn't have felt comfortable saying them any more than promising a small child that their beloved sick pet was sure to get well. There were no guarantees - well, life itself had no guarantees - but ve couldn't just offer more platitudes.

"I don't know" was what ve said instead "I don't think anyone can behave like this person for long without being discovered. Their family, their friends are sure to notice something, or to ask questions..." Maybe the stalker was going to lose interest too, but frankly ve didn't think that was likely. What else could ve say? That somehow Aglaya would learn to live with being stalked, that the fear and horror she was currently dealing with on a daily basis would somehow fade into the background or worse, become normal?

Become normal...maybe that was the key to all this, even if it didn't feel that way. After all, Valera had had to deal with everyone thinking of vir as a victim, the poor tragic victim of an accident that had ended vir budding career. That hadn't been the sort of thing anyone could keep quiet, and maybe they shouldn't keep this quiet either.

"Don't freak out at this, but...would it be the worst thing in the world if the press did find out? I don't mean because there was a reporter hiding in your dressing room, I mean...telling them. If you take control of the situation, they won't be able to paint you as a victim" Valera had a feeling that Aglaya wasn't just scared any more, but starting to feel angry about the situation she'd been forced into. And that was a good thing, though nothing ve wanted to push. "I don't mean now or next week or next month. Just think about it. Besides, it's far harder for a stalker to work secretly when everyone knows they exist"

Had that been the right thing to say? It was too late to take back the words now; though vir niece's next works made vir relax a little. At least she was eating and there was some semblance of normality about her life if she was talking about her practises again. That was something, at least. But there was more to this business, far more than ve was equipped to deal with.

"How many?" ve asked quietly, not wanting to push Aglaya too far and cause her to retreat into her own thoughts.

While she tried to focus on Valera’s words, Aglaya didn’t really take in what ve said. Not until ve spoke about telling the press about what she was going through. Aglaya shook her head.

“No,” she whispered, tears watering her eyes. “No,” she repeated. “I cannot… I just cannot tell anybody. I wouldn’t…” her voice trailed off and she swallowed hard. She wouldn’t have told anyone about her stalker had she not suffered the poisoning and had her mother not found that damn letter the person had written to her afterwards. Well, technically she hadn’t told anyone anything, not to this point. It had all just come out somehow and it had not been her choice.

Ve asked how many letters she had received from the stalker and Aglaya looked down, staring at her shaking hands. She had never confided in anyone, had never even intended to tell anyone but maybe now was the time to talk about it. Or maybe not. She gave a little shrug and chewed on her lower lip.

“I don’t know,” she said in a hollow voice. “I didn’t count them.” It was true. She could probably estimate how many she had received over the years but she didn’t really want to. She had kept them all, though. Now that she thought about it, she couldn’t even say why she hadn’t just thrown them away. However, there was a box in her bedroom that contained all the letters that she had had the misfortune to read.

“I’ve been receiving letters for a while,” she offered, sounding almost apologetic. It made her feel weak and dirty to have a person stalking her. It had become normal until the stalker had taken action. She had dealt with the letters somehow. Once the initial shock of having received a new one she had always just continued her routine and tried to forget about the letters and the creep that was out there.

Now, however, the time for forgetting about them was over. The stalker had made it quite impossible for her to ever forget about him again. She was in constant fear now and sometimes this fear built up so much that she wasn’t sure how she should go on with her life at all.