[mp] what goes up must come down [phillip]

Phillip nodded when Winifred repeated his words; he guessed it was all he could do. And the teenager hated that feeling just as much as all of the others. Being confused about how he should or shouldn't feel, wondering how Billie was feeling, and then beating himself up for caring, it was like falling down an endless hole. No matter how far he fell, Phillip always felt like there was more to go, some new level of the pit, and he was so tired of it.

Winifred explained that she didn't know, and Phillip gave her a shrug and a look that was less than grateful. She was lucky to have never broken up with someone over something so big, Phillip thought distantly, little bits of jealous creeping in at the corners of his mind. But compared to all of the other bad thoughts swirling around, jealousy of his best friend felt like a picnic. Phillip sucked in a quiet breath as Winifred finished another card. He was relieved she'd stopped asking him to help, but he knew he should have felt more guilty about it than he did. It was hard to handle so many emotions at once, and he had never been a very good friend.

Shrugging again, the teenager then nodded. "Basically," He answered the first question. Before they had broken up, Phillip had memorized Billie's schedule. She always woke up far earlier than him, earlier than most of their housemates, so mornings weren't an issue. He was careful not to be in the hallways when her lessons let out, and he looked for her before taking a seat at the Ravenclaw tower. It had been hell trying to avoid her these last weeks, but he'd managed.

"Yeah, we have," Phillip offered, and he chewed on the already torn up part of the inside of his lip as he contemplated continuing. Winifred had unknowingly brushed over the information he could share, but still, Phillip felt reluctant. If there were anyone in the world he would tell it would be Wini, so why did he consider holding back? Trust had never come easily for Phillip. He didn't grow up with a best friend like Wini and Marin, no family to speak of, and he hated almost all of their classmates; for most of Phillip's life, he had been alone. Until Billie. He'd let her in, which had helped him open up enough to become better friends with Winifred (and Marin), and then it all fell apart.

Trusting people was the worst.

Phillip stopped chewing on his lip, but his eyes didn't move from the misspelled envelope that sat in front of him. Like a graveyard for discarded things, he tossed the little rolled bit of sticker he had in his hands on the table and confessed. "I gave her her birthday present in February."

The Hufflepuff took another card from the stack, her movements all precision and exact, as every ounce of her effort went into being as patient and calm as she imagined Marin might be. Honestly, how did he do this all the time. Wini wanted to beat Lip over the head with some of her stickers if he kept being all moody and closed off. It's not like she was going to tell anyone! Well, besides Marin, but didn't count and he wouldn't tell anyone anyway! She slowly wrote out Cara's name as she waited eons for her friend to answer her. Even the cute curlicue she added on the last 'A' didn't stave off the impatience she felt.

Great. Another one word answer. No details, no explanation, just another thing that she would have to guess at. She did find it exhausting having to pull details from him all the time, but she was also thinking how it must be exhausting for him to have to be aware all the time to avoid someone who used to mean so much to you. It made her think of how she had done a similar thing with Marin during their Fight and she knew how nerve-wracking and emotional that had made her and they hadn't even been dating. She reached out without a second thought and patted his arm before reaching for another card.

"You have?" she asked immediately, whipping her gaze up to him, watching him chew on his lip as she tried to gauge if that was a good thing or a bad thing from his expression. As usual, she was left guessing. "About what? When? Did she come up to you or did you go up to her?" she fired off, trying to imagine the scenario and what happened and make a guesstimation of what was going on since he clearly wasn't going to tell her. Then she remembered she was supposed to be trying the Marin Method. Shoot. She scooted back in her chair as if to refocus, her fingers running along the edge of her pink-feathered quill.

This time, she was a little better prepared for his little confession and she managed to hold in her surprise. Wini inhaled and pulled another card toward her, writing out Marin's mum's name. A million questions went through her mind. What did he give her? Why hadn't he mentioned it? What was her reaction? Did he just toss the gift at her and peace out or did they talk? But instead she tried to meet him where he was and ask a one word question. "Why?"

Phillip had all but assumed Winifred would have a barrage of questions when he offered up a sliver of information. She had already done as much before he'd said anything. So, when he finally confessed, and Winifred asked only a singular question, Phillip felt a bit lost. Why? she had asked, and it should have been a simple answer, but it wasn't.

So he shrugged again.

It was all he'd been doing lately, shrugging and being a bad friend. It wasn't as if Phillip ever really spoke much, but anything would have been a step up from this. He considered her question in silence, toiling over the multitude of answers and coming up with nothing useful. Eventually, Phillip took a quiet breath, his shoulders rising as he gathered his thoughts and tried to force one of them into a sentence, and then he sighed. "I've been asking myself the same question," he admitted. In addition to every other thing he'd been worrying about, Phillip wondered if it had been wrong of him to give Billie a birthday gift a month and a half after the breakup.

And in the end, he had concluded that it was not only not what he was supposed to do, but that it was also a bit weird, somewhat selfish, cruel, even; and also that if given a chance he would do it again. As much as he avoided her, Phillip couldn't get Billie out of his head. She was always there, and seeing her was almost a relief, even if it made things worse after the fact.

"I had already purchased the gift," Phillip continued, but he knew that was a terrible excuse, so he shrugged again. The teenager's green eyes slid over the stack of written valentines up to Winifred's face, and that wave of jealousy washed over him again. Winifred had a stack full of people worthy of hand-written valentines, and Phillip had no one. No one's name to misspell, no one to put stupid glittery stickers on envelopes for, no one who was ten inches shorter than him, whose hand fit perfectly in his, with hair like the moonlight, and the most beautiful smile.

Nope, he didn't have anyone like that.

A shrug?

That was it?

One single shrug was all the answer he cared to give?

Forget this plan. She was never trying the Marin Method again. It clearly didn't work. She didn't know why she thought it would, but Merlin, she had tried everything else, what was she supposed to do now over than slip a bit of veritaserum in his tea to get him to open up to his best friend. Honestly, it was starting to irritate her or maybe even feel a bit hurtful that he didn't want to---

I've been asking myself the same question. Oh. Maybe he just didn't know the answer? Hmm. Her red-hot feelings of irritation and hurt slowly transformed into sadness for him. She knew he was going through a lot and it seemed like he was still trying to sort out what he was feeling at the same time. She had had moments like that herself, that she obviously did not want to think about right now, so instead she focused on him.

"Well, what did you get her?" she asked after a beat, then focusing on the little message on the inside of the card to Marin's mum before she glanced up at him again. "How did you leave it?" Wini asked, trying not to be pushy but needing to know how to feel about this. Was she still supposed to hate Billie? (She did to a point because of what she had done). Was she supposed to forget about it like he seemed to be doing? (Could she even do that? She could try). She remembered their trip to get ice cream in Diagon over the summer and her heart squeezed. It had been so nice. Lip had been so happy and it made her sad to think of the difference between that boy and this one sitting in front of her.

Phillip had half assumed Winifred might ask him what the gift was, but a part of him had been afraid she might criticize him for giving Billie the gift or cheer him on, and he wasn't sure which one of those he would have hated more. The question was easier to deal with, which in turn only confused the typically-question-loathing Phillip more. "It was a stationery set..." He began, looking away and clenching his jaw. "I don't know," he said in response to nothing and continued, "She'd mentioned wanting one once, and I'd already purchased it, but it was dumb, right?"

It turned out Phillip didn't need Wini to scold him for giving his ex a gift; he was fully capable of beating himself up instead. "Leave it?" He asked, finally turning back to look at the Hufflepuff with a stack of valentine's cards. Silently he prayed one of them wasn't for him because he was pretty sure he'd forget to write her back or even say thank you. He really shouldn't have had any friends.

"Bad, I guess?" Phillip shrugged again, but he couldn't think of a better one-syllable word to describe how they had left things. Bad fit, though, because he certainly didn't feel good whenever he thought of Billie, which was all the time, of course.

"Well.." Wini said unhelpfully as he asked her if it was 'dumb.' Would she want a stationery set from an ex-boyfriend that had just broken up with her? Probably not. Then again, if she had asked for it and he still gave it to her after the break up, maybe that would mean something about said break up?? Honestly, Lip's love life was much more complicated than she had anticipated. She just wanted the details, not the confusion questions. Still, she was probably a little better at handling this than he was.

"Well, if she had asked for the gift, like, before you broke up then it was probably a nice thing to do. Especially since you already bought it," she explained and then shrugged. It was her best guess.

His summary of how he had left it  made her want to slap her palm to her face. "Bad? Bad how? She didn't like the stationery set?" Wini asked. Pulling details out of this boy was like pulling teeth. She wondered what Lip even talked to Billie about when they had been together or if they had enjoyed silence and shared looks because it was seriously like he was allergic to speaking.

"Yeah, but was it stupid to do something nice, you know… after everything," Phillip said it without thinking, he'd finished the sentence and dug himself a new grave all in one breath, and he shut his eyes as he waited for her to pounce. After everything, after all the things he refused to tell her. In so many ways, Phillip wished he could tell Winifred everything. When he'd agreed to keep Billie's secret, he'd hadn't realized that protecting her would mean pushing away the friends had left. It didn't seem fair.

"No, just like.. bad, I don't know, it wasn't a happy conversation." Phillip didn't know how to describe it in words, but if he closed his eyes, he could see Billie's beautiful sea-green eyes, glossy and tired. He could hear the way her voice cracked when she had said thank you. And he could feel the pit in his stomach growing as he wished, even though he shouldn't have, that their fingers might touch as he handed her the gift. Phillip took an exhausted breath and then sighed.

"I don't know if she liked the set, though…." Phillip wondered if it even mattered. "How many more do you have to write?"

"Well..." Wini said again, pausing even longer this time. How was she supposed to answer that when he had given her no information about the breakup or even the context of it? She felt a wave of frustration directed at him and it made her snap the next card off the pile, her quill digging into the paper more firmly than she had meant to. He was asking for her advice on a situation she was blindly walking into? How did that even make sense.

Except she couldn't deny the fact that it was significant that he was even talking to her in the first place. She inhaled and huffed an exhale as she thought about it. "I guess it depends on why you did it? You know, like after everything she did--" not that Wini knew what that was and was still trying to find ways to get him to tell her "--why did you want to still be nice to her, yknow?" Maybe if he wouldn't tell her, he could think about it himself and maybe come back to her in a few days and spill his guts? Wini could only dream.

Wini nodded as she finished up the card and pushed his elbow out of the way so she could slide the sticker sheet that was under it towards her. "What did she say though?" she asked, already trying to manage her expectations that he would tell her anything. Her stupid sullen friend who didn't trust her with his secrets. She slapped the stickers on the envelope with more force than necessary.

"She might have," Wini said, giving him an artful shrug, leaving out the rest of the sentence because sure, she was being snarky thinking she might have been better at helping him decipher the interaction if he gave her more details, but no that was asking too much. She stacked her cards neatly just before shoving them all haphazardly into her bag as she stood up, her chair scratching at the floor. "I have Prefect rounds to get to anyway," she told him, an idea hovering in the back of her mind, wondering if she could pair up with the Ravenclaw prefect and perhaps pick her brain a bit...

Phillip's jaw clenched as Winifred began, and he realized he didn't want to think about the things she was asking. Why did he want to be nice to Billie? Even after everything she had done? Merlin, he wished he could say he didn't know, but he thought it was apparent. It was so damn frustrating to be forced to still care about someone who had betrayed you. He hated having so many emotions; he wished his world could go back to being small and lonely. Everything was simpler back then.

"She said thank you?" Phillip answered when Winifred asked how Billie had responded, only his answer was more like a question, and his eyebrow rose slowly. Phillip was smart enough to know there were layers to all of this. Nuance. But he was so tired of overthinking every moment and irritated, and he hoped Winifred would translate them for him. Of course, he was also intelligent enough to know that he wasn't giving his friend a lot of information to work with. And Phillip could understand exactly how frustrating that could be.

Half his time at Hogwarts, he'd felt like his hands were tied behind his back. They were told to sit still, be quiet, and learn, but when it came down to it, the curriculum had been so biased he felt like he'd learned nothing for years. He could relate to being left in the dark and being expected to be okay with it. When his father had died and his mother and sister disappeared, no one had told him anything. And while he knew the situations weren't the same and that it was silly to think Winifred was remotely as devastated by his breakup with Billie, it did make him feel like a hypocrite. It was wrong to keep secrets and lie to his friend. Despite good reasons, Phillip was doing the same thing the ministry officials, their professors, and even Billie had done to him. And Winifred deserved better.

She started tucking things into her bag, and Phillip realized that meant she was leaving. The suddenness of her stacking her cards and standing up jarred him from his thoughts. "Oh, yeah," he said quietly, nodding a little as he followed her out of the room and toward the hallway. As they passed under the door frame, Phillip shrugged and asked a question.

"And then she started telling me about her haircut," Phillip mentioned, recalling the night he'd given Billie her birthday present. I, think I hate it," Billie had said, and Phillip had replied accurately with, "It's shorter.". He held the door for Wini as she passed him into the hallway and spoke once more. "Why do you suppose she did that?"

"Yeah, but how did she say it?" Wini asked with an exasperated sigh. She really needed to get some friends who liked talking. Or at least liked talking to her. It was getting exhausting trying to pull every single bit of information out of people. "Like 'thank you!'" Wini said brightly with a smile. "Or 'thank you?'" she asked more somber with a questioning tone. "Or 'thank you'" she tried with a little snark. Merlin, she really didn't know that much about Billie other than she seemed quieter and usually nice and didn't look great with shorter hair.

Wini brushed her blonde hair behind her ear as she sailed past him holding the door, her bag bumping along at her side as she glanced up at him. "Her haircut?" Wini rolled her eyes in the safety of him not being able to see her. "Hmm, maybe to see if you liked it?" she guessed and then turned to look at him over her shoulder with a hint of a smile. "Do you?"

Hmm, perhaps the better way to get information was to dissect everything around the breakup, not the breakup itself. At least he was talking to her now. Wini filed that for later review and possible discussion and dissection with Marin. Maybe if Billie wasn't around to interrogate, err chat with, during rounds, she could link up with Marin to go over everything.

This was precisely the kind of stuff that Phillip was just not good at. While he was an expert at overthinking and overanalyzing, Phillip had no idea how to discern meaning from tone when it came to things like this. Not in the way that Winifred seemed to intrinsically understand other people based on how they spoke rather than what they said. Honestly, it wouldn't have been the first time Phillip's interpersonal skills left something to be desired.

The teenager shrugged at her question and following examples before he answered. "I dunno'; she said it like anything else, I guess?" Billie wasn't overly enthusiastic like Winifred sometimes was, but she wasn't dull about things either. Suppose he thought about it (which he was trying really hard not to) Phillip could tell the differences in Billie's tone. He could picture the way her face lit up when she was excited about something and the way her eyes politely looked away when she felt uncomfortable but was far too proper to mention it. Phillip didn't want to pick it apart, though, and he wanted Winifred to tell him the answers to questions he couldn't ask. And he felt stupid for it.

And then she turned Billie's words back on him, and he sighed. "Why does it matter?" He didn't hate her hair, but Phillip didn't want to think about it. It made her look different, and in a way, he hated that it was just another part of Billie he no longer recognized, but it didn't look awful. "Not like my opinion matters anymore," He said as they headed toward the end of the corridor where they would inevitably go separate ways. Winifred had Prefecty things to do because she was a good student who got along with others, took the responsibility seriously, and deserved the badge. On the other hand, Phillip had assignments to skip, classmates to avoid, and time to waste.

/end

Wini gave him a hard look and a long, drawn out sigh that she purposely made louder than usual so he might pick up that she was irritated by his lack of answers. Honestly, how he had gotten a girlfriend before she had a steady boyfriend was beyond her. "Then I don't know, Lip," she said, her patience running thin. She was pretty good at guessing and investigating and extrapolating, but it was like he was trying to be obtuse on purpose now. It was mildly irritating.

His further comments only seemed to irritate her more and she pursed her lips. "I dunno," she said mimicking his earlier statement. "Maybe it does, maybe it doesn't, how am I supposed to know," she added with a grumble as she crossed her arms in front of her, feeling her pettiness overwhelm any patience she had left over.

"I'll see you in Potions tomorrow, all right? Don't forget to bring that extra bottle of ink you promised me, okay?" she asked as she took a step to the right and tried to give him a nice smile in goodbye. They were friends and she loved him despite the fact that it felt like he didn't want to talk to her at times, but he could be so annoying sometimes. Still, it's not like she was going to give up on him. Or on getting more information. She just had to find another way to go about it. She gave him a little wave as she turned the corner.

/end