[mp] what goes up must come down [phillip]

February 2004

"You know, you'll have to talk to me at some point--" Wini told his back as they climbed up the stairs, Lip trudging in front of her as she followed him quickly "--and I just don't understand why you are being so reluctant. Ok, yes, I get it, you 'don't want to talk about it'--" Her fingers mocking with air quotes "--but it's been more than a month and I've been patient--" Sort of. "--and I understand it's a lot, but I'm your friend, Lip. You can talk to me."

Wini had run into him hovering outside of the Great Hall just minutes ago as she had come up from the common room, carrying a stack of writing supplies in her arms. "Still avoiding the Great Hall?" she asked with a pointed look and she had rolled her eyes. It was one of his new habits he had picked up since the Break Up and every new change she noticed in him annoyed her. A little bit because she still didn't know what had happened, somewhat because she didn't know what to do to help him, but mostly because she didn't think any of the changes were good ones. He had seemed happy when he was with Billie and she wanted that for him. She missed him being happy and she was mad at whatever had caused it. And lately, most of those mad thoughts were directed at Billie. For whatever she had "lied" to him about.

And yet, she had still offered to grab him a plate of dinner if he helped her with her Valentine's Day cards. She had dumped her supplies in his arms when he had nodded sullenly in agreement, grabbed a plate of food for him (she had already eaten earlier with @Marin Clare), and then returned to the entrance hall to grab a stack of the blank note cards that was available to anyone. Wini grabbed a bigger stack than some of the other students. She had a lot of people to write to.

So there she was, chasing her up the stairs, speaking to his back, as they headed towards one of the towers. Wini was sick of the common room and needed a window, a big one with a good view, and even though the stairs were a lot of work, she thought it would be a nice place to write all of her cards. "I won't tell anyone," she told him mulishly (except for Marin, she thought. But he was always the exception) as she stopped short and help up the plate in her hands as two little second years rushed by and threatened to topple her over. "Careful, don't run," she called out after them, the prefect in her coming out before she jogged up the next few steps to catch up to him.

@Phillip Donnelly

Phillip must have told her twenty-five times (this week), in the same way, that he did not want to talk about it, but Wini kept asking what had happened. And while he could understand her curiosity, he could not bring himself to give her the details she seemed so interested in. He had told her that Billie lied, but he had to leave it at that. Explaining the details about who Billie was, her family, and the life she had kept hidden for years was too much to bear. It wasn't his story to tell, and even though she had betrayed him, he felt the need to keep those secrets.

According to The Daily Prophet, the war was behind them, and everyone was safe, but Phillip was smart enough to know better. Phillip hated that she never told him the truth, that he had to find out for himself, but he understood why Sybil Sinnoway had to become Billie Fay. It wasn't safe to be the innocent child of death eaters and murders; it was better to be no one. Despite how hurt he was, Phillip would never jeopardize Billie's safety to get back at her for lying. Unfortunately, though, that meant he had to tell other lies.

Lies of omission were another unexpected consequence; more fallout from the breakup and Phillip was exhausted from dodging the only close friend he had left. Winifred was quite possibly the only person left in the world that he still trusted, and he was lying to her. As much as he wanted to tell her, to have someone to lean on,  Phillip shouldered the heartbreak alone. Despite her following close behind him, filling the air with words, Phillip felt more alone than ever.

He had agreed to her deal, food in exchange for carrying things, but he should have known better. Winifred had grabbed an extensive stack of blank notes, and Phillip struggled to keep them balanced as they climbed the stairs. "I don't know what to say," He admitted, a sigh chasing his words, and shrugged. Phillip couldn't tell her everything, but he was running out of time to tell her anything. It wasn't exactly fair, he supposed. Hating that Billie had lied, keeping things from Wini, and fighting the fact that he needed them both had Phillip spinning. "I don't want to talk about it..." He said, but he could practically hear her eyes rolling.

"I mean, I don't want to talk about it here," In the middle of the staircases, where they could be interrupted at any second, or the cruel steps could decide to change directions and have them stranded in the stairwell for the next hour. Phillip didn't know what he was going to tell Winifred, but he'd bought himself a little more time to think about it, at least.

If he shrugged one more time at her...

Wini frowned at his back. She wanted to shake him, shake him out of this, but she kept talking herself down. She knew that wouldn't help. She knew you couldn't just shake the sadness out of someone. She would have done that for herself if it was possible. "Yes, yes, I know you don't want to talk about it," she repeated petulantly. "But you won't tell me why."

Maybe the 'why' would help her understand or help her figure out how to help him. Maybe it would help her sort out how to make him feel better. The 'what' was really something she wanted to know to satisfy the burning curiosity inside her, but a part of her, a very small tiny part, understood that she didn't need to know the what. But she still really wanted to. Sometimes she wasn't sure if it was more curiosity or care for him that was motivating her, but she could slake her curiosity with gossip magazines. Her caring side toward him and her friendship was a forever sort of thing. Even if he was going to be a grump about it.

"Not here?" she asked, latching onto the word with bright eyes. "Okay," she agreed quickly. "Not here." Wini could be patient if she thought he was going to speak to her somewhere that wasn't here. It was a good idea that she was already headed to the tower, a pretty private place, all things considered. Maybe the stars were finally aligning for her. The possibilities spun around her mind as they climbed more staircases, waiting patiently on some as they swung other ways, panting quietly on others from the effort of so many stairs. Merlin, Hogwarts really needed some escalators or something.

Finally, they got to the tower and Wini was immediately disappointed to see two Gryffindor girls sitting across the room close enough to one another that Wini knew they weren't studying. They seemed rather cozy too. Wini eyed Lip and wondered if that would make him feel bad, be a reminder of the couple status he had lost so she purposely nodded toward the chair that would put his back to the two girls and keep them out of his line of sight. "Thanks for carrying all that," she said kindly with a smile, leaning into the niceties at the pending chance he was going to spill the beans.

After he set the stack of note cards down, she pushed them over to her side of the small table and set his plate in front of him. "After you're done eating, you can help me-- will you help me with these?" she asked as she started setting up her supplies - different colored quills (borrowed from Marin's supply of course), the stacks of notes, a haphazard looking list with a long scrawl of names, stickers, wax seals, and confetti to go inside.

Not here seemed to do the trick, and Phillip let out a sigh when Winifred seemed to move on. He knew it was temporary, but he was desperate. Phillip felt bad for manipulating Wini in such a way, deceiving her so that she would let it rest, even just for a moment. He had no plans on fully explaining what had happened with Billie, but he was trying to find some way to stop lying to his best friend. He had been doing it too much lately, and it was painful.

Winifred kept climbing the stairs, and Phillip did his best not to drop the excessive amount of blank notes she had him carrying. Eventually, they reached the tower, and Phillip was a little out of breath. His cheeks were rosy, and he had an unbearable itch on his nose that demanded to be scratched the second he dropped the notes, but of course, there were other students here. Every day Hogwarts found new ways to torture him. Half the time, it rained, and he got mud inside his shoes, the other half the castle was trying to kill them, and once and a while, it just decided to be unnecessarily cruel. Phillip would rather face the Giant Squid than the reminder of what he'd lost, and he grimaced when he saw the couple kissing in the corner. "Of course.." He mumbled, shaking his head at looking at Winifred. It wasn't her fault, but he blamed her anyway.

Winifred passed him the plate, his payment for carrying things, and Phillip began eating quickly, yet another excuse not to answer the questions he knew she was barely holding back. "Yeah, sure," He agreed, mash potatoes sticking to the roof of his mouth. "Think you got enough?" More distractions.

"Don't eat so fast, you'll get a stomachache," she warned him, eyeing him as she pulled the notecards closer to her that he had dropped onto the table. She didn't want flecks of roast beef on her cards. That would definitely not go with her theme. She flattened her list of names she had been scribbling on since yesterday morning, her notes all over the place, some upside down and sideways as she had pulled the parchment from her bag in between classes to jot down an extra name as she thought of it. She didn't want to leave anyone out so of course the list was long.

She nodded and gave him a bit of a smile, trying to be patient, channeling her best Marin impression as she let him eat his dinner in peace. For now, at least. "I grabbed extras," she told him eying the stack and then compared it to the list in front of her. Oops. She didn't even know if she could read all of these names she had scribbled. She wished Marin was here to help decipher or remind her, but he was off playing chess or whatever he did with Darcy. She tried not to be envious. He wasn't very forthcoming with details about what they talked about so it made her think something was going on. Secrets and lies, apparently, were hot button issues for her lately.

"But if I need more, maybe I can get an underclassmen to run me some more," she added with a grin in his direction. She wasn't sure how it had happened, but she liked being a seventh year with a few younger students who didn't mind being bossed around. She wondered if she would miss it once she graduated.

Phillip ignored her warning and continued to shovel the nearly cold dinner off of his plate. He should have just gone into the Great Hall, but the chance of seeing Billie was too high, and he was stubborn. Winifred moved things around on the table, and Phillip did his best to ignore the giggling coming from the back corner of the room, but he was hardly successful. "I grabbed extras," Winifred had explained, and Phillip blinked at her silently. Did she expect him to write some too? He wouldn't be writing to Marin because that would be weird, and Winifred was sitting right in front of him, so that was even more bizarre. And he had no family or loved ones to speak of, and the thought made him feel even emptier than he had already.

Phillip realized he had no one to write to if he couldn't write to the one person he wanted to the most. For years he had spent more time writing to Billie than he did speaking out loud to anyone else. They had entire journals of letters and notes and thoughts; it had become more than just habit. And when they stopped, Phillip had missed it tremendously. Like a hole in his life that would forever be empty. Phillip stared at the journal connected to hers sometimes, he had tucked the notebook under old clothes in his trunk, but he didn't dare open it.

"Yeah, maybe," Phillip was lost in his sorrow, reticent and distracted from what Winifred had said about getting more notes. Phillip thought it had been difficult avoiding Winifred's questions, but he was quickly learning it was even more difficult not to talk about Billie when she was the only thing he thought about.

She saw his look and couldn't quite decipher it. Was it just her imagination or was it getting harder to figure out what he was thinking since the break up. It was like there was a wall between them and no matter what she didn't, she couldn't get through to him. Wini wondered if it had something to do with her, but the next thought was already denying it. She knew he was just having a hard go of it right now.

Wini tried not to burst the silence with her questions that he promised (kind of) to answer. Maybe taking a slower tactic would work. She had tried just about everything else at this point.

"Did you finish the potions essay due tomorrow?" she asked, wondering if he was still slacking on some of his homework. She really was worried about him. Sure, he was normally quiet in classes, but he had been downright silent recently and late to more classes than usual. Wini started on his first letter as she glanced up at him, her eyes running over his tired face, the dark circles under his eyes. It made her sad for him.

It was hard to tell if he was relieved or suspicious of Winifred's question, possibly both. She had changed the subject, and Phillip appreciated that, but he was aware that it was temporary. Eventually, she would ask again, and eventually, he would have to make good on what he'd told her on the stairs. He had to tell her something.

"Yeah, it's shit though," He admitted; Phillip cared less and less about their classes. He was tardy to lessons, spent more time in detention than he had the last few months, and turned in most assignments late. The potions professor wouldn't accept a late essay, so he had managed to finish a mediocre one just in time for the deadline. It would probably barely pass, but Phillip didn't care about that either. Grades, NEWTs, any of it. The only thing he cared about was graduating, and he had good enough marks for that. Phillip had returned to counting the days until he was finally rid of Hogwarts for life.

"Did you?" He returned, hoping to keep this conversation going a bit longer.

"I'm sure it's good," she said, trying to be supportive. She still had to finish hers. Well mostly meaning she had to ask Marin to read it over and make sure she didn't make any glaring mistakes. Potions was still her worst subject as it had been since her first year. No matter how hard she tried, she was always one second away from her cauldron exploding in a fiery mess. "I could look it over for you, if you'd like?" she offered, again trying to be helpful. Then again, she gave him a speculative look. "Or Marin can, he won't mind," she said speaking for her best friend like usual.

Wini noticed he was finished his dinner, much quicker than she recommended she noted with a frown, so she pushed the plate to the other side of the table so she could slide one of her cards in front of him. "Can you help?" she asked with a hopeful smile. Maybe if she gave him something to do, something menial, she could trick him into opening up, lure into a nice safe mental space where he would spill all of his feelings to her. Occupying his hands was the first step. The Hufflepuff slid a card to him that she had already written on the inside. "Can you address this to Belinda please? And then add the stickers and confetti inside?"

She set out the supplies in front of him, one by one, then set back to writing more notes. Hefin's was next. He wasn't at Hogwarts anymore, but the quidditch player who had taught her how to fly and helped her get over her fear of heights still held a little piece of her heart. Plus he was hot. "Yeah, I almost finished it," she told him. "Marin said he'd look over it for me," she added even though she hadn't exactly asked him yet.

The two Gryffindor girls had her glancing their way as they giggled and then got up, holding hands, one girl leaning into the other as they whispered to each other and snuck off down the stairs. Hmmm, she wondered where they were going, but Wini just glanced back at him and smiled a little. "Quieter now, at least," she remarked, hoping he'd pick up the subtle hint that they were alone in the tower without anyone to hear any secrets he wanted to spill to her.

"No, that's okay." Phillip managed to keep himself from violently shaking his head. Not that he particularly cared about his potions grades, but he also did not want Winifred or Marin looking over his assignment. Winifred was a mess in Potions, and he did not need Marin judging him any more than Phillip was pretty sure he already did. Phillip managed passing grades for the last six and a half years, and he was confident he could navigate the next four months until graduation. But with his lack of attention span and absolutely disrespect for most of the professors, he was just barely going to squeak by. Whatever he didn't care about any of it.

Winifred must have seen him slide the plate away because not two seconds later, she was pushing some cards his way; Phillip gave her a confused look. The wizard was more than equipped to carry things and be generally moody, but his penmanship was a trainwreck. Winifred would have better luck giving a troll a quill and asking for something legible. Her smile stopped him from outright refusing, and Phillip sighed as he reached for a quill. In some ways, Winifred reminded him of his little sister, at least what he remembered. The sort of smile that could light up a room and almost make him forget what he was grumpy about. He knew she was trying to be his friend, and despite wanting to be mad at the world, Phillip was trying not to take it out on the one person who still seemed to care.

 "Belinda? Is that spelled with an E or U?" It didn't matter, he was already scribbling the name across the envelope, and all of his vowels ended up looking like the same messy loop anyway. Phillip was always in a hurry when writing his essays, and he rarely picked the quill up from the parchment. He agreed to address the envelope, and Phillip would even put the stickers on it if she wanted (though his creative spatial awareness left something to be desired), but the Ravenclaw would not be stuffing them with glitter.

As the Gryffindors left the room, Phillip huffed, aggravated that they had been here in the first place but also somehow annoyed that they had gotten up to go. "Yeah." He agreed with Winifred, and even though he understood what she was implying, Phillip was quiet again. Busying himself with everything but the glitter assignment, he was practically allergic to the stuff.

She heard his sigh and tried to fight the small smile on her lips as he gave in to her and hunched over the note she slid him. At least he wasn't refusing. "Hmm?" she asked in confusion as he asked about the spelling, but then wrote on the note without waiting. "Wait, don't," she complained as she leaned closer to see what he had written. She slid the note closer to her and frowned as she tried to read the scribble of ink. "Does this say Buh-linda? That's not how you spell it, nevermind," she quickly decided, rethinking the task she had assigned him.

"Can you just put the stickers on?" she asked as she started rewriting the envelope to Belinda and then slid the new one to him? It wasn't exactly how she would have done the stickers on, but she hoped keeping him busy would help her mission.

The scratching of her quill on the Valentine's Day cards hung between them in the quiet and she struggled to keep her questions at bay. He had said 'not here' earlier soooooo was this a better spot? He had seemed more distracted than usual so maybe he hadn't gotten her hint. "So.." she started, flicking her gaze over to him, deciding to be a little more obvious.

"Does this say Buh-linda? That's not how you spell it, nevermind," Winifred had asked, and Phillip was quick to answer. "I don't know, does it?" The teenager retorted, his green eyes sliding from the envelope he didn't want to address up to Winifred. A grumpy sigh escaped his lips as she started to rewrite the envelope he hadn't done correctly, and Phillip frowned at the subsequent request. He had agreed to help, but they both should have known better than to think that was going to work out.

With a severe lack of enthusiasm, the wizard began to fight with the page of stickers she had given him. The first one folded onto itself, and he spent all of two seconds trying to fix it before crumpling it into a bit of ball and dropping it on the table. Three more made their way onto the envelopes, but just barely. One was crooked, two were upside down, and he'd managed to stick one to the wrong side of the envelope before realizing the mistake and moving forward anyway. That envelope just had extra stickers, whatever.

Phillip hated the project, but he did not mind sitting quietly with quite possibly one of the only friends he had left in this world. Winifred was bubbly and cheerful, and the opposite of Phillip in every way, but the teenager trusted her more than himself these days. Winifred broke the silence first, but Phillip wasn't surprised. Another of the stickers was stuck to his fingertip as he looked over at her ideally addressed envelopes and finally her face. Phillip shook his hand, trying to flick the sticker off of his finger, and huffed. "I don't know what to tell you." He offered, and that was the truth.

He couldn't tell Winifred, or anyone, about who Billie was. And he couldn't bear to admit he had been fooled. So that didn't leave him with a lot of options for the explanation he had promised Winifred, but he also didn't want to lie to her. And it wasn't as if he could claim unreconciliable differences, and Winifred would leave it at that. She wanted details, and it was stressful. Anxiety building up like a clump in his dry throat, Phillip swallowed uncomfortably and finally offered something.

"She lied to me, and I can't forgive her."

Wini watched him for a second, trying to be as patient as possible. She was pretty sure he could sit in a room with her for the next eon and say nothing unless prompted but she really didn't want that to happen. Plus she couldn't just sit there and watch him fight a losing battle with a sticker sheet. "Here," she said as she reached out to pull his hand closer to her and she deftly peeled the stubborn sticker off of his finger and placed it cutely next to the name she had written.

I don't know what to tell you. She pursed her lips at this and took the next card, writing the name in her loopy scrawl with a heart above Veronica's name. She had a tragic nose, not that Wini would ever tell her that, but she was thinking of a hairstyle that would suit her better and added to the card that they should have a girl's day next weekend - hair, nails, makeup, the whole thing. That thought at least distracted her momentarily as Lip seemed to clam up again.

"And you won't tell me what she lied to you about?" she guessed, glancing back at him, understanding after all these weeks that he wasn't budging on that, for whatever reason he had. Some loyalty leftover to Billie even though she had broken his heart? Why was he still doing that for her? It didn't make sense. It's not like she would say anything to anyone. Except Marin of course. She bit her lip as she studied him and for once, tried to sort out the best next question. With Lip, it always seemed like if she asked too many questions, he might return to full grump and scuttle away.

The Hufflepuff glanced back at her cards and thumbed through the blank ones, the sound satisfying in the quiet. "So you hate her now?" she asked softly before glancing back at him.

It was the tiniest gesture of kindness, Winifred pulling the evil little sticker from his calloused fingertip, but Phillip appreciated it. And, of course, that made the whole situation worse. It was as if Winifred had a superpower to continue being nice to people even when they tried to rain on her parade. Phillip was grumpy, abrasive, and tended to try to push everyone away, and yet, she still wanted to be his friend. Honestly, he was almost scared to think how he could have gotten so lucky. Anytime he realized he had something good, the universe took it away.

He nodded a brief, unspoken thanks and put his palms down on the table. The time he had bought avoiding this conversation was all but up, and Phillip could almost hear the clock ticking down in the back of his head. She had been patient, a lot more than he had given her credit for, but it was his turn now. "And you won't tell me what she lied to you about?" , Phillip grimaced at her question; the frown lines on his forehead had not had a minute's rest in two months. But there was no bitterness in her question, no sarcasm. "No, I can't." How was he supposed to tell her that the secret wasn't his to share? That even though Billie broke his heart, he was still protecting her.

"And you just have to be okay with that…." It came out sounding more demanding than he meant it to, but there was a desperation in his voice too. He turned, hoping to meet her eyes, and it was clear it was more of a plead than an order. He wanted to talk to Winifred about it, and that was a lot because Phillip hated talking, but there were some things he would never tell her, and that had to be okay, too.

"I guess?" Did he hate her? Could he ever hate her? Phillip had yet to unpack all of that, and honestly, he was a little afraid to. If he hadn't been so blindsided by her betrayal, he might have been mature enough to realize some part of him would always love Billie. That no matter where he went or what became of their lives, she was his first love, and he'd never forget her. All of that rational thinking was too far away for him to grasp right now, though, so he latched on to the next best thing. "Isn't that how I'm supposed to feel?" Phillip turned the question back on Winifred because whether it was true or not, he felt like she was far more equipped to deal with teenage drama than he was.

But he didn't hate her. Not really. He hated that she had lied and that she couldn't tell him the truth. And he hated that she fooled him for so long and that he found out on his own. And he definitely hated who her parents were, and yes, he hated whoever Sybil Sinnoway was, but not her.

Not Billie.

She knew the second his expression changed that he wasn't going to answer her question. Wini was trying to be patient, she really was, but she couldn't help the frustrated sigh that escaped. She kept her eyes on the cards in front of her to hide the hurt and frustration and annoyance that could probably be easily read there. Why was he still protecting Billie if she broke his heart?

Wini frowned even more at his demand that she had to be ok with it, but this time she didn't hide her disapproval as he looked up at him, her brows knitted. There was a quick retort on the tip of her tongue, pushy and impatient, but there was something in his eyes that made her pause. It was gone before she could figure out what that meant though.

"You guess?" she repeated slowly. He didn't even know? Or did he just not want to tell her? Wini tried not to feel betrayed that he wouldn't tell her what was going on with him. After everything that had happened with her family over the summer and opening up to him, Lip still felt closed-off. Maybe even more so than before when it came to Billie. She felt the urge rising up in her again to go tell off the cute little innocent looking Ravenclaw, tell her how upset she was with how she treated Lip. But then again she didn't really want Marin chiding her for it. And she didn't really want to make Billie cry again. And she really, really didn't want to see Lip's reaction about it if he found out. He was scary when he was mad.

"I don't know, maybe? I've never broken up with a boyfriend who lied to be about something this huge," Wini told the Ravenclaw as she finished another card, signing a heart next to her name. "So are you avoiding her in the common room now? Have you talked to her since we came back?" she asked, trying not to sound like she cared so much even though she did. She wanted details and maybe he would be more inclined to give them if she took on some of Marin's cool indifference.