athena give me strength [jae]

so i don't kill him
early march 2003
library, before dinner

"Kim, what the hell?"

Killian slid into the seat across from the Hufflepuff, cheeks flushed and forehead creased with confusion. His book bag fell heavily against the neighbouring chair, various pens and quills and books rattling around inside. "Are you trying to make us both flunk Transfiguration?"

Instead of actually working on this Transfiguration project, Killian had spent the last hour after class (when he KNEW he and Jae both had free periods, mind) hunting the halls for him. A friend had even checked Hufflepuff common for him, to no avail. It had been like this for just about a week, this business of Jae avoiding him like he carried the goddamn plague, and for the life of him Killian couldn't figure out why. Literally nothing had changed! Except for Jae's desire to pass Transfiguration, apparently!

"Don't make me look for you again," Killian grumbled, pulling the parchment and a number of vials out from his bag. "Christ, if you weren't feeling like working on it you could have said, but it's a paired project you can't just abandon me!"

He looked up at Jae again, frowning. "Seriously, what is happening? You've been acting weird."

@Jae Kim

He was busy. Busy. Lots of assignments he had half-done and somehow kept getting distracted. Or lost all interest entirely and ended up in the kitchens cooking without even really giving thought. So, yes, he was busy and he didn't have time to worry about what anyone else wanted from him. Let alone some loud Gryffindor whose mere presence sent his irritation levels way up. The only saving grace was the fact that Buckley seemed annoyed too. Jae might have even smirked if he didn't find Buckley's tone so irksome. It wasn't his fault that the other guy wasn't good at using what few brain cells he had left to look for someone.

It wasn't that he had specifically set out to make it hard for the other Muggleborn to find him. Mostly. Actually, that was a lie. Jae had picked a spot other than the one they had agreed on because he didn't feel like working on the stupid group project for a class he didn't even like and he especially didn't want to spend anymore time with Killian than the had to.

"One of us isn't going to flunk," Jae said flippantly as he didn't even glance up as the other boy joined him at the table. And he didn't even bother moving some of his books that were spread across the table in the way most would consider courteous to give the other person more room. No, he hoped Killian might get the hint. He was not wanted here.

This bloke had to be joking right? Telling him what to do? Blaming him? Jae glared at him stonily, his lips pursed, and he gave him a careless shrug. "Don't really need your help so why don't we just do our parts separately," he suggested, more a statement instead of a question. He didn't want to work together. Wasn't that obvious. He'd rather do the whole project himself and put in double the work than spend anymore time with the Gryffindor.

He was in the middle of writing a sentence on the theory of the Transfig spell they were assigned to cover when his whole body stilled for a nanosecond before he forced himself to keep writing. What the hell was he supposed to say to that? Jae hated the question even more than he hated Buckley's face right now. How had he not noticed how irritating his voice was too. But what was he going to tell him? Was he that stupid that he really didn't see it? Then again, a tiny part of him knew he had no claim, not really, and it was just another instance of how his friendship or whatever you wanted to call it meant nothing to people.

So, of course, instead he just glanced back at his parchment and said with a sharp, defensive tone, "Nothing's wrong" which was quickly followed by "Did you finish your notes on the history section? Don't know what's taking so long. A second year could've finished it already." Then he threw him a glance and a speculative look with an arched brow silently wondering if it was too difficult for him.

One of us isn't going to flunk, Jae said, the sneer in his voice making it clear that the other muggleborn was yes, talking about Killian, and yes, he meant it as an insult. Did Jae shove one book even further out into the mess on the table? Christ, comma, Jesus. Killian's face curled up into a distasteful grimace without quite meaning to. What had he possibly done to deserve whatever the hell this was?

(Be kind, a small voice said in Killian's head. It's probably not about you. Maybe he has something else going on at home, or in Hufflepuff, or with Hackney's gang. The world didn't revolve around Killian -- though he felt that way when he was irritated. Be compassionate, Killian!)

Killian twisted his face back to neutral, crossing one arm across his chest to pull at his shoulder. His arm pressed against his prefect badge, the metal cold against his flesh.

Don't really need your help, Jae said, finally looking up at him. Killian pressed his lips together hard and thin, trying to bite back the irritation rising in his throat. "Alright, but we should really compare for the conclusion, at least," he said after a moment. That wasn't -- that wasn't how group projects were supposed to work, but, he really didn't want to mess up his OWL in Transfig, so, fine. Whatever. "After class tomorrow? Just, like, ten minutes?" He felt like he was begging for attention, and didn't care for it.

Oh, there was -- something had changed, just, when Killian had blinked. Jae's tone was harsher, a bite in "nothing wrong"  that felt like a jab to the spine. The insult rolled off Killian because he wasn't listening -- he sat down, his bag resting on top of some of Jae's work. "Hey. That was uncalled for." Now Killian's voice changed, to the paternal tone he took with the firsties. He stared him down, eyes open and wounded. "Jae. You don't have to tell me what's up, but you don't have to come for me like that.

Jae jiggled his leg under the table as he went back to his parchment in front of him, his self-inking quill steady in his hand even as he tried to focus his thoughts on the great idea he had been just about to write before he was rudely interrupted. Just another reason why working alone was better.

"I already have my notes prepared for the conclusion. I've done the research. I'll make a copy of it for you," he said, his commitment to doing his work well had nothing to do with his refusal to work with the prefect. He would do the work, he just didn't want to be around Killian anymore than he had to. "You can read it on your own time and then we can combine papers to hand in. Problem solved," he muttered to his parchment.

When Killian moved to sit down, putting his bag on his stack of notes, he gave him a glare and a "hey, watch it" as he pulled his stuff toward him, irritation and annoyance making his movements snappy. Killian's reprimand only making him more edgy. He gave him a careless shrug and an insolent smirk that he had seen Isaac wear too many times. "It's just the truth," he summed up neatly.

But he could feel Buckley's eyes on him and Jae's dark eyes darted up to see his expression, fighting against the surprise he felt. He seemed annoyed, but he still had no problem calling Jae out on his shit (which he hated of course). Jae couldn't deny, however, that Killian's candor made him a little less detestable. No wonder he had jumped in that metaphorical lifeboat with the boy sitting across from him that first year - it was survival for the two muggleborns in a brand new world, but it was also.. nice.

Too bad all those good feelings were replaced with the kind of jealousy and anger he obviously couldn't talk about. Jae fought against the urge to lash out, crushing the feathers of his quill in his hand. "Look, I just don't need your help and we can get a good grade working alone. I have a bunch of other work to do anyway and this Transfig project isn't that big of a deal," he bit out, the lies rolling off his tongue in a way that made him hate every word. For someone who valued honesty so much, he found he was hating himself more and more each day as he lied to save face.